Will fear always taint TTC after m/c?

Hello Karen here

I hope that the Fates are smiling gently on everyone at the moment - as fun as this Rat year has been...

After m/c @ 9 weeks in September - DP and I are TTC again. I am wondering how other people have dealt with the fear that seems to dog my thoughts about future pregnancies? When we lost the baby in some ways it was as 'good' or 'fortunate' as a m/c can be - it was natural, complete and we were able to bury our little one and say goodbye in a way that seemed to address the needs that grief has. But I do find that - I suppose because of the unknown nature of the m/c's cause - that even though I try to envision a positive path to a future pregnancy - I can't shake that fear that the fault lies with my self as a much older mum second time round at 39 (we have a 3 year old daughter) and that maybe there is a voice in all of this telling me about the way of nature and its realistic boundaries.

Are these feelings and fears normal as an outcome of the m/c or does it sound like there are unresolved issues from the m/c??

In terms of pre-conception care we are as full on into it as we were with our baby this year so I don't know if there is anything more we can do to create a positive environment. It's funny - if I have any negative feelings beside the fear - it is a kind of undirected resentment towards the pressure of my job/s at the time of the m/c - which I have tried to address by halving what I was doing. I feel like I should be in a more upbeat frame of mind than I am.

In the scheme of things, I realise mine is a small, personal matter - but I am interested in how other women have found and dealt with the aftermath of TTC after m/c.

Many thanks
Karen van

Welcome to BB Karen :)

If you had've asked me earlier this year, I would've told you I'd had 2 mc's. Now I know differently (VERY long story!), but for weeks I didn't even want to make love to my DH, didn't want him touching me. I felt like I had failed my babies, and I didn't deserve to be pregnant. I kept thinking 'Any idiot can have a baby', so what did that make me? I have suffered from depression in the past, and when I think back on it now I'm scared at how low I got during that time - DH had no idea what was wrong, or how to help me either.

A close friend of mine, who has also had several unexplained mc's, helped me to realise that sometimes bad things happen for truly no reason at all. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how prepared you are for something, sometimes its just not the right time. What made it particularly hard for her was seeing pregnant mums smoking and drinking, and generally not caring about the gift they had been given. We have to come to peace with these things, as in the end we are only hurting ourselves.

If you feel you have unresolved issues from your mc, maybe you should write it all down? All the women in this section know exactly what you're going through, and can sympathise.

Big :hug: :)

Thank you Sunflowa_Girlie

I'm sorry life has been so callous towards you - and I hope that your pre-conception efforts continue to progress towards your goal!

Maybe it is a time factor - and a bit of a cumulative effect - I had to put my 15 1/2 year old canine companion Zuna down shortly after the m/c and we've been trying to support DP's mum who has aggressive breast cancer and is travelling through chemo at the moment - it has been a year of endings in a lot of ways - so maybe there is a tiredness of spirit which comes with these things if I look at the whole context. Being with babies and pregnant mums - most of my friends are one or the other - fills me with joy and a sense of peace - I understand the bigger cycles go on regardless. So perhaps this is a passage that needs to be navigated and just accepted.

I have heard it said that greater experience brings greater awareness and so maybe the fear is just an acknowledgement of more of the rounded nature of pregnancy - the good and the bad - than I had with a first pregnancy that did not involve any complications and allowed a more oblivious state of mind. Must remember to breathe more deeply and see more I think.

Many thanks
Good luck with everything!
Karen van
:o)

Karen - i think there is always a degree of fear - what can i do? what can i change? will it happen again?

it doesn't go away - but it changes as you go through the steps. you go from being too scared to try, to scared of being pg, to scared of each niggle and pain as your pg progresses. you'll have good days and bad days. it's all a matter of learning how to live with it (which can be difficult!)

good luck
BG

Hello Briggsy's Girl

Thank you - you are right - it is the degree of your progress that diminishes the fear I suppose. Like trying to avoid a self-fulfilling prophecy... Well - here's to TTC!

Much love and laughter
Karen