Godparents.....

wow, noone told me that pregnancy is this much trouble!! And at only 5-6 weeks along!!!
My best friend Kristy is no longer talking to me because i told her that i didn't want her to be a godmother....
Yes, i know i told her last year that if i ever had a baby, she would be godmother. and yes, i understand that now revoking that, is a tiny bit mean.
But still....
My DP and i have been talking about it and we decided that we wanted to keep godparents in the family, and that we wanted them to have children of their own already.
So DP's cousin Aaron and his gorgeous wife Sarah are a natural choice for us. They have three of the most beautiful little kids (Jayden- 4, Haylie- 2 and Jaxon- 9months) and their amazing parents.
But now, Kristy isn't happy with me. Back then, yes, she was my choice, but now, when i sit there and really think about who i would trust leaving my child to if anything happened to me and DP, i don't think i would be able to trust anyone. Things that people did years ago, now bother me, i'm thinking, "oh god, do i really want my son or daughter to go to some one who used to go out and get drunk all night??" (ok ok ok, i've had my share of drunken nights)
Kristy is an amazing woman, but there is always some kind of problem that she has. And i really just don't feel comfortable with leaving bub to her.

So now my best friend has decided that she no longer wants to talk to me. I understand her pride must be bruised. But i'm not going to give that responsibility to someone i don't think is right for the job. As my wise superwoman mother said, picking godparents isn't about who your best friend is at the time, it's not a popularity contest, it's who you think will do the best job at raising your child should anything happen to you. I agree...

Have you thought about the possibility of having 2 godmother's... or 2 full sets of godparents?? I am a joint godmother to my bf's little boy, the other is his aunty. To be honest, these days it's all a little different and the whole thing is not really what it used to be. The godparents don't actually necessarily get the child/ren. That should actually be covered in your will. Anyway, just a thought :)

It is a drama isnt it!

My sister is expecting she will be godmother and somehow thinks that she deserves to be...I dont know why ewhen she has been such a ***** lately to me in regards to certain things!

I have had family for both my girls and then had a friend for each as well. Not any of the 6 godparents of my two girls would get them if something happened to us. So for me it was purely a gesture to say that they are important people in our lives. I would think about letting your friend be a third godparent, even if only you did promise her. It may not be her pride that is hurt, maybe she was looking forward to it, and genuinly feels let down? oxo
PS saying all that, with DD1 I no longer speak to or have any contact with my friend who is a godparent. I am fine with that, as my sister and brother are still her godparents. It means nothing now that my friend isn't invovled, no big deal. But at the time it was an important gesture to her.
PS my understanding of the godparent is to be a spiritual guide in the child's life if they so choose. I have to say though, in my experience with my own godparents, and my childrens, this isn't really something that is practiced! So for me it is more a symbol of someone special to my children. And I know many people who have no contact with their godparents, just because that's the way it's turned out.

Personally i really don't want to have multiple godparents for my bub. I really think that my friends should understand how much they mean to me and shouldn't need a gesture.
My DP and i strongly believe that whoever the godparents are, get the kids if we die. thats the way we've both been raised.
I've explained to my friend how i feel about the situation, and that i am sorry, but i'm not going to make her a godmother simply because i want her to be happy.
ALIBABY- as i'm the oldest of five, and the next youngest after me is my sister Lulu who is only 16, i had already explained to her about the godparent thing, and she didn't really seem to care that much, but then, thats Lulu. So i guess i'm lucky.
But i definately can't stand how people assume that their going to be a godparent, another couple of my girlfriends have done the same. But their alot easier than Kristy, and they were both fine with our choice of doing it with family members. With no problems whatsoever.

WebbMeg- I'm sure she is hurt and was looking forward to it, but i have apologised and tried my best to make amends. But my friend Kristy is a bit of a handfull, and has taken it really badly, i do feel terrible about it, but i'm not going to change my decision simply because she's angry.
I've been trying to stop being so whipped, ahhahaha

I can see how she is a little offended if you have a problem that she used to go out and get drunk, sheesh!

I'm 35 and I still have a drink (since I'm not dead), in fact I'm going out this weekend and I dare say I will get a little drunk. Thats not irresponsible. I've also crowd surfed, swum topless at the beach, rode backwards on a motorbike and stole a packet of bubblegum when I was 12.

None of this makes me incapable of being an excellent parent, or take care of my best friends daughter should anything happen to her. You poor friend is a bit hurt because now there is a actual baby, she isn't good enough (or responsible enough). Don't hack on her because she is hurt, try to be a little more understanding?

lulu- don't get me wrong, it's not that she goes out and gets drunk, i was until i found out i was pregnant. thats got nothing to do with it. i was simply using it as an example about how, no that i actually am pregnant, things have changed i guess.
I don't want to make her a godmother because i don't think i could trust her judgment, decision making and to take care of my child properly. Plus things with our friendship have soured in the past few months, and i really don't see our friendship lasting much longer regardless of whether i was pregnant or not.
I can understand why she is hurt, and as i said, i have tried to talk to her about it.
But really, at the point her and i are at at the moment, i'm not going to make her godmother simply because i want to make her happy in sight of an ailling friendship.

p.s. your daughter bella looks gorgeous!!! i'm in love with her dress!!!!

maybe you can give your friend another important role for the christening

like you, i had someone in mind that we thought we'd ask to be secondary godparents to our kids (the idea was that, like my bro's kids, they'd all have one set of godparents the same, the person that would "inherit them" if something happened, and then their "own" godparents) - but over a period of time, i came to realise that these people, as grown adults, were not a good moral influence, and i didn't want that influence to be any more "important" to my children. so we moved away from that couple.

i understand where lulu is coming from - it's damn hurtful to be told one thing and then have it revoked a year later, but given you're not going with other friends, you're sticking with family, i think your friend will need to accept that, show maturity, and embrace whatever role she can have within your babies life.

BG

I hear what you're saying about family though, and its a fair enough call ;)

I am so pleased I have kept my mouth shut on that issue, based on what you are now going through. My best friend and her new husband are lovely people but they always seem to have some drama and they are both very stressed out people and my friend is on anti-depressants now so they would probably not cope with having to look after someone else's child.
I think that family are a good choice cause they are always around. I don't even know who my God parents are so that idea didn't really work for my parents. Thank God they are still around and we never had to go to the godparents to live.

My family is split up and I wouldn't really call it a family anymore so there is no one at all on my side of the family would consider as good guardians to my little man. But we have DH cousins who have a 6 year old girl and a 1 year old boy that we would probably consider. Now we don't spend a lot of time with them as they live about 1 hour away but they are good people and love close families and they have a good home and good values. Like someone said its not a popularity contest its about the child being left to a couple who are best for the child if the worst should happen to you and your partner.

I guess we will have to cross this bridge soon enough ourselves but for now we have not put a lot of thought into it.

I think the problem is that you told her she would be godmother. It's not that she assumed it, you said it. So therefore I can see why she's hurt. BUT, I also see you have changed your mind and that is your perogative, but just explain it to her that you've changed your mind since becoming pregnant, things seem a bit different and you are going with family. xo

i can see why she is upset but ultimtaely its your choice.

Im guessing you know this bit JIC others dont,
Godparents undertake to oversee the spiritual wellbeing of your kids, not looking after them if something happens to you.
That's something seperate that you need to include in your will, or a legally binding document.
So if you want those people to be your BIL and his wife then make sure its someting in writing cos they wont automatically get to do it just becuase they are godparents

I would have guessed that grandparents, aunties/uncles etc could mount a pretty good case to have care of children should both their parents die.

I would expect my parents to have my kids if me and DH both die, followed by my sister, my brother and his sister (his dad is too old and his mum is dead already).

I guess there must be ways to safeguard this in law, but I would think it would be a hard case to argue that someone who isn't in the family would gain guardianship over orphaned children.

To me, godparents promise to oversee the spiritual education of the child, and that's as far as their technical responsibility goes.

Personally, I would intentionally choose friends to be godparents, rather than family. My family are already interested in my kids, and they will already be ready to look afer them if something happened to us. To connect some trusted friends to my children's welfare seems to me like adding to the depth of their safety net (say my whole immediate family gets killed in an accident, for example).

I would also suggest writing a will, as things do get messy and you dont want it left up to chance. I have been very specific in mine as to who gets the kids. xo

Hey guys, the feedback is awesome!!
DP and i have agreed that as soon as the bub is born we're going to write up wills, stipulating that our children would go to their godparents. And the wills will be updated on a yearly basis, so nothing gets left out.
As for my friend Kristy, i'm not making her godmother. I honestly wouldn't feel comfortable with her getting my kids. I've made the personal decision not to include her in any part of the whole thing. The lack of maturity that she has shown when i try to explain the whole thing to her, is just making my decision to not make her godmother that much easier.

PUPPIES- that was me who said the popularity contest thing, actually, my mum. haha

Thanks Girls!! Have a great pregnancy!!!

please DO NOT wait til bub's is born to write your will - seriously!! putting it off is a bad bad idea. bubs arrives, you're too busy. do it NOW while you're pregnant (and for anyone else reading, get it done NOW!!!)

we were in a situation a few years ago where DH's brother died very unexpectedly leaving no will - it has created a hell of a lot of tension and estrangement within his family and is something i hope no one will ever go through

a will can be written with all provisions - ours were written a few years ago (while dealing with solicitors for DH bro's estate, we arranged our wills) - in them, we had provisions for "any minor children" - that's all that is needed to cover arrangements for your children. they don't need to be updated annually unless you have a life changing event (change of address is one - but even that isn't a biggie) - it's usually things like change in marital status. even if you're unmarried, there is a way of wording the will so that change of marital status did not nullify the will (our solicitor did this as we weren't married at the time but were living defacto).

please, don't put it off - i used to have the "i'll do it when X happens" - but having lived through the hell of sorting out an estate for someone who died without a will, i suggest everyone has one - even a simple one!