Not so sure I made the right decision...

Okay now that it's creeping up to crunch time, I'm starting to worry that I may have made the wrong decision with deciding on a hospital birth with an obgyn.

I love my obgyn, mind you. He was my IVF FS and I had a real rapport with him. When I fell pg after soo many cycles, it seemed like a safe thing to do to stay with him. I seemed like he would understand my paranoia over my pg like only someone who's been through it with me could. I didn't even think about labour then.

But, luckily my pg has been incredibly uneventful, and even Dr, for all the hassles we had trying to fall pg, has now said I've changed from a challenging IVF patient to an easy obstetric patient.

I now wish I hadn't been quite so nervous to start with and looked into a birth centre again. I'm torn between wanting my IVF Dr there (after all he's been through with us) but also worrying about the restrictions on an active birth in a hospital, esp a private one. I also am aware that Dr will only likely be present for the actual birth, not the labour, where I'll be with midwives I don't know.

My DH has nixed the idea of a doula, saying he wants to have as few people there as possible, and while I agree, bless him, I also worry he won't be able to cope on his own and I won't be comfortable with an unknown midwife.

So now I suddenly feel a little out of control with the whole thing. I'm going to be talking my fears out with Dr when I see him next, but feel like if I don't get the answers I want, that it'll be too late to do anything about it.

I don't know what anyone could suggest, but I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest...

love
sushee

Sushee - the SJOG Subi has a "birthing suite" whereby the process is as natural as possible. It is lovely, the curtains cover up all the medical equipment (only used in an emergency), there is a large tub and shower, etc etc. Surely Murdoch would have the same. If you use a room like that then you will have "back up" .

**edited cos I read the post completely wrong :oops: sorry Sushee!!!**

Hi Sush,

I work as an independent midwife in SA, and so have lots of contact with birthing women and their families. It's a common thing for men to feel that it's their duty, or somehow to feel miffed if a woman needs more than just him at their birth. I've become an expert at talking about this very situation, so here's some pointers...

1. This is the biggie, there's a world of difference between being at a birth, and supporting a birthing woman through labour. It's not his job, or his area of expertise, and he, like you, deserves to be supported through what can be a testing and stressful time. Yes, it's joyous, but most blokes would be lying if they said they didn't feel somewhat out of their depth, and a bit clueless especially at first births.

2. This is your partner's time to relish becoming a parent. He deserves to have some support, and to be able to just be there as your partner, lover and father to this child. He shouldn't have to shoulder any responsibility, or do any practical things if he doesn't want to. Leave that to people who are getting paid to be there!

Hope this helps in some small way. I know my husband just would have floundered for the right words and actions without our midwife to guide him gently, and instead, he looks back and sees himself as an integral part of what was an awesome team on the day!

Tania
x

OMG I just read that post wrong!! I am so, so sorry Sushee, I thought I read that the OB said no to a support person. I greatly apologise - serve me right for posting when I am so tired!!!

Sush, perhaps you can have hubby read the birth support page to quell some worries? Perhaps he is nervous about something I have addressed on the page in the FAQ's? https://www.bellybelly.com.au/birth-support

Once he reads it, maybe he might think it's not such a bad idea after all?

Magic,

I'll email you, my sweet, about SJOG. I did their maternity tour when I was only 15 weeks and now wish I'd done it now, when labour seems more real to me. I may call them and try to book in for another one.

Tania, I agree with you completely. I suspect that DH will need someone there for him, but it doesn't seem to be a subject he's comfortable with talking about, which of course, heightens my discomfort even more. When I sat down with him to talk about my birth plan, he went pale and looked like he was going to pass out when I started talking about preferring to tear than having an episiotomy. I think that's when the first alarm bells rang. I will try to broach the subject with him again (including sending him the link you provided, Kelly) and pray he at least thinks about it.

I think when you're married to a man who believes it's only a matter of resolve to achieve success in anything he does, you can expect him to be loath to admit he would need someone else. I honestly believe that if I had a doula or other support person there, for me as well as to support DH, then my worries about a hospital birth may ease.

love
sushee

PS Kelly, I didn't even read your original post! Lol!

Sush i really hope everything works out well for you. I dont know what other options there are in Perth coz i only went to Joondalup... :(

well,

Thanks everyone for your excellent advice. I just wanted to update you.

I spoke to DH last night about my concerns. He initially seemed to become offended that I thought he wouldn't cope at the time, and I ended up getting flustered and in tears coz I felt like I wasn't getting my point across.

Once the waterworks came, he seemed to lose some of the tension, but he explained that he felt like I didn't trust him to do the best thing for me, to make sure he was prepared for me and for labour. He asked if he's ever let me down (not often) and why I didn't believe in him being able to take on this role.

I explained that it wasn't about trust, or belief, but how no person is expected to 'instinctively' know how to help a woman in labour, and that some like a doula or birth attendant trains to be able to support a woman, and that having someone like that there would enhance the birth, taking pressure away from him, not adding to it.

I also said that it concerned me that he didn't seem to be 'getting ready' for what's ahead. He often jokes about how all he'll need to do is say 'breathe breathe push' and that cavewoman had babies without help and we haven't yet died out as a species so everything will be fine.

I don't think he realised how much this macho posturing was making me worry. He has asked me to give him time to read up, learn, go for classes and do what he needs to to make me confident in him again, and I've agreed. He wants so much to be the one who supports me, I can't help but give him the chance.

So here we are, having come to a compromise. He listened to me and my concerns, and wants to allay them, so thats a start. I love that he's so passionate about being there for me, and have to believe he'll be the best support person I could ask for when the time comes.

love
sushee

Oh Sushee, I'm so glad that you were able to talk it through with your DH, and that he showed true desire to be there, and that he's willing to read up, take classes and do whatever it takes.

I hope it all works out for you, honey.

YAY sush!!! Great stuff!!!

Try contacting Lisa from Australian Doulas via their website, I think they run some pre-natal courses which help partners - from memory the classes are run by birth educators and doulas so you will get that great support advice, but I am not 100% it's run through them. She would know the best places in WA though as she's very much into what I am but with more experience and great training.

Kelly,

I've already exchanged a few emails with Lisa previously about birth attendant courses, so will take your advice and contact her re labour prep course (if available) for DH. Thanks!

I'm relieved having gotten it off my chest with DH. He saw me take on IVF and all it's hurdles and said I usually give him this impression that I can deal with anything. He's not used to me being anxious or worried and always felt like I didn't want help, so I honestly think had I kept my mouth shut, he would have thought I had it all under control.

Oh man, at times like these, I'm glad I've got BB to be able to get whatever's bothering me out and get advice from people who've been there!

love
sushee

That's great hon - I have met Lisa at the Doula Conference last year and she's just gorgeous. You'll love her, I love her accent :) We've been conversing via email lately too, we direct people to each other when they are looking for interstate doulas / birth attendants.

Tell her I said hi!!! :)