New here, newly single

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm glad I have found a forum to chat in!

I live in Sydney and have 2 beautiful girls, one is 5 (starting school in Feb!) and the other is 3. I work full time, and share custody with XH - the girls are with me 7 days per fortnight. We have been separated for 2 months and it has been a rough journey!

XH and I were married for 8 years, together almost 10. We had a fiery relationship the whole time, and in the end I was just sick of the constant tension and his emotional manipulation, and the girls seeing us fighting all the time. So I left. He still hasn't accepted that it is over, and the abuse continues - although at times we get on just fine. We are still in the process of untangling our lives, but most of the "material" things are sorted out now. I am renting a place, and getting used to being by myself for half the time and doing everything for myself (I mowed the lawns today!!!!) but I love my new life and the independence I have now (part of our problem was that I felt like I was constantly being smothered by him - we work in the same building, used to travel to and from work each day, have lunch together etc - and any efforts to pull back a little and have my own life was met with anger and/or sulking).

Of course XH denies that any abuse existed, and I am just a horrible, mentally ill person who has ruined his life and the girls' life and walked away from 10 wonderful years together. The fact that he won't even acknowledge the problems strengthens my resolve that I have done the right thing.

The girls are starting to accept their new life, although it is very hard. The older one in particular asks all the time why we can't all live in the same house anymore. It has been better since I have moved into my own place (I was staying with a friend's mother in law for a few weeks) and now that I am all settled and unpacked and getting into a new way of life, I think things will just keep getting better and better.

The custody arrangement works ok, although I do miss the girls terribly when I am not with them. The trouble is, I really have no support network. My dad died last year, I haven't seen or spoken to my mum in over 4 years (and don't care to - she is a troubled soul), and I'm not close to any of my brothers - emotionally or geographically. I was always close to one of XH's aunts, but all his family have completely sided with him and not even spoken to me in 2 months (stuff them, I reckon ;)). Most of our mutual friends were friends of his when we met, and I have not spoken to any of them (it was always the boys hanging out and the wives chatting politely). My best friend lives 2 hours away and has very big problems of her own right now. In the last 12 months we had been spending a fair bit of time with a couple of the families from daycare and their group of friends, and they were very helpful when I first moved out, but lately it feels like they have pulled back a lot and don't really want to get involved - XH got on very well with some of the guys in the group, and I think there is a reluctance to take sides. Plus I am not very good at asking for help. So I am trying to do it all on my own - and sharing custody with XH 50/50 lets me indirectly tap into his support network - his family. Plus it means that I can get all the boring stuff done (housework, washing, mowing lawns, ironing etc) while the girls are not here, and then give them my full attention when they are. XH is a very capable and loving father, and so I always know they are in good hands when they are with him.

We are in the early stages of putting together a parenting plan, but I will be seeking to have the arrangements formalised in court ASAP. Over the last couple of months, he has threatened to take the girls away from me altogether, to turn over full custody to me so that he doesn't ever have to deal with me again (including giving up all visitation rights) and has made some last-minute changes to the days we have them. The fact that he would use them to get to me makes me really, really mad, and I have considered going for full custody to protect them - but it is so hard sometimes to know what the "right" thing to do is. In any case, hopefully the whole process with the Family Relationship Centre will resolve a lot of the issues and then with court orders in place, there will be less room for him to use them to try to mess with my mind.

Anyway...... that was very long winded! I hope I haven't put everyone to sleep!

I look forward to getting to know you all!

Mel

hey mel....
welcome... i am newly single two, well as of about two days ago, obviously i have a LONG way to go... still in limbo at the moment but very keen to have my new life started... i think you are right, as you and your girls settle into your new way of life things will only get better... i am in a similar situation with not alot of support... i have my parents, but i moved to my partners small country town so don't know alot of people, and the people i do know are connected to him. anyways.

make sure you look after yourself on the days where you don't have your girls, do whatever it is that feels luxurious to you, a long hot bath, listening to music LOUD, going out for breaky, going to the gym, seeing a movie... its all simple stuff that is a complete luxury when you have kids so i reckon you gotta be kind to yourself when they are with your XH, as well as all the boring housework!

ps how satisfying is mowing the lawn??? is it just me - i love it?!

Welcoem Mel, I am not single but I have been there with 1 child and know how hard it is sometimes. I was lucky I guess you could say in that XH vanished and we haven't seen him since so no custody battles. DD regards my DH as her dad and it has worked out well. (After a lot of tetehing problems)
Does your XH live close enough to your DDs school to get her there on time etc?? Who is taking her on the first day? (Sorry this is the kindergarten teacher in me coming out LOL)

Hi Mel,

Sorry to hear you are going through this and with no support network...going trhough what you are must be so hard but to have no support at all would only make it harder.

I think it's great that you have your own place now and are starting to begin a new life for you and your little girls, sounds like you are doing ok and are coping as good as is to be expected ... and yes it will get better but it will take time. I wish you all the best darl :hug:

Emma, i am so sorry to hear you are going through this too....take each day as it comes and remember you have a little baby girl who needs her mummy now more then ever...stay strong sweetie, you know we are all here for you too!

Thanks for responding so quickly! Suddenly I don't feel so alone :)

Emma, two days - wow! The early days are really tough, I couldn't sleep and there was always so much going through my mind. A single mum I know told me that things DO get better - and guess what, they do! I have been meaning to have that long hot bath for about 4 weeks now. Maybe tonight is the night. And the lawns - besides when I was a kid (and on a ride-on) I have mown lawns ONCE in my life, plus today. I have already been out about 5 times just to have a look!

MrsMac - glad you have found a new guy - sounds like your family is doing great. I actually moved 2 streets away from XH as I wanted to stay close to the school (and since renting is difficult, I had to take what I could get - even if it is SOOO close). We are selling our house, though, so I don't know where XH will end up. At one point he said he was moving into town (I live about 1 hour west of Sydney) and that he wanted to find her a different school, although later he said he meant he MIGHT move closer to town and we MIGHT need to find her a different school. Games, games, games. Anyway - his family are almost all out here, so hopefully that will help keep him out this way, but there is no way I am changing her school - she has friends going there, and it is a good school - so if he moves far enough away that getting her to school is a problem then I will just seek full custody ("just" - hahaha not that easy, but she needs stability and I will do what it takes to give her that!)

hi Mel, welcome to BB. You sound like an incredibly strong woman and your girls are lucky to have such a wonderful role model. I hope that your visit at the family relationships sentre helps with the tension with your XDH. I know what its like to be the "bad guy" who left the perfect relationship for no good reason, its so hard not to feel guilty about it at times too. SOund like you have a great custody arrangement and its great that XDH is such a good capable father, I wouldn't feel as comfortable if my DH were to have 50% custody. Apprently nearly all fathers make the threat of taking the kids away from you, so try not to worry too much about it. Hope he doesn't cause any trouble with the girls and thier schooling if he decides to move away.

I am just going through the motions of seperating, hopefully will have my own place by the end of Jan. DH is doing an awesome job of making me feel guilty, he is still head over heels in love with me, but I want more out of life, I want the life he promised me and so far hasn't delivered. He def wants us to get back together again, but im not so sure and I dread the thought of breaking his heart. Oh well i guess we all just have to take things one day at a time

Hi Westy! Thanks for posting.

MrsMac, I forgot to say - I am taking DD to school on her first day. That was always the plan (going back before the separation) and it just so happens that her first day will be a Thursday, which is my day (my days are Wed/Thurs/Fri and every second Sat). XH is welcome to come along if he wants, and if he can be civil - just like I would have insisted on going if she started on one of his days.