I thought I was coping...

Ladies,

First of all I would like to thank you all for being so supportive. Although I haven't posted before I have been reading these forums for a while and you have helped me a lot. I hope that by writing down my story I might be able to start dealing with all the emotions that are trapped inside me.

We have a gorgeous dd aged four and I know that we are enormously fortunate to have her but I would love to have another child. We took 8 months TTC with dd, followed by a textbook pg and so I wasn't expecting any problems once we started trying again. Last June after 9 months TTC we got a PFP and I was over the moon. At 11 weeks I had some spotting and an u/s showed that there was no hearbeat and that our bub had stopped growing at 7.5 weeks. I decided to have a d&c and that all went well. My dh consoled me with the thought that we would start trying straight away. To our surprise I did become pregnant the first month we tried. I felt much more confident with this pregnancy and really felt that it was going well. We paid for a private reassurance scan and saw the heartbeat in our 7 week bub. At 12 weeks I started spotting and once again the u/s showed that there was no hearbeat and that this time we had got to 8.5 weeks.I was booked in for a d&c on 20th December.

I was determined that we would have a brilliant Christmas for our dd and I have successfully pulled off the 'I'm coping really well' act ever since. I can honestly say that until this week I haven't really felt much at all. I cried at the time but now I feel as if I could cry all day long. I feel so angry and I hate taking it out on my family. I told my dh that I wanted to let my body recover for a few months before we start trying again, but I have just had my first AF and I can't get it out of my head that in 2 weeks I could be pg again. I really want another child but I am petrified of getting pg again. We aren't getting any younger and the age gap between dd and any sibling is already much bigger than we wanted, but to be pg again could mean another mc and I don't think I could face that. The EDD for my first mc is only 6 weeks away and that is just making me even more sad. I realise that I didn't mourn the loss of the first bub because I had the new pg to look forward to.

I feel so selfish posting on here when I already have a child and some of you are still waiting. I know I am lucky but I am hurting so much. My dh is very supportive but is fed up of me crying. In his practical male way he has said that I should get some counselling, but it doesn't seem as simple as that to me. Several of my friends have had mc and were very helpful after my first mc, but they all went on to have succesful pg afterwards and they don't really know what to say to me now.

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for letting me share my story, I already feel a bit better for writing it all down.

you are not selfish huni...no matter what you have lost 2 babies...dont think your losses are any less worthy of anyone elses.
i really have no advice just wanted to give you big hugs.
be kind to yourself.
love rach xxx

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for your loss. You are on such an emotional rollercoaster right now and I want to say that we are all here to listen and in no way are you being selfish. Cry as much as you want and take as long as you need to. :hug:

Flygirl - Sorry is jut not enough but I will say it anyway. Never feel that you are not entitled to as much grief as anyone loing a child. Whether you have already had one child or ten. A loss is still a loss and no less painful. Your words could have been spoken from my mouth time and time again... I truly feel your pain.
I have a DS - achieved with much assistance after 2 m/cs. Last yr we lost another 4 babies ( 2 sets of twins). other seem to think that maybe you get "used" to it or the pain should be dulled by "numbers" somehow but it jut gets harder and harder. I do think it is harder for your friends to understand all that you are going through despite their own losses as they have gone on to a sucesful pg. Back to back m/c also brings the compunding of grief. YOu are right in thinking you probably never really dealt with the first loss so a second loss brings on the pain of both in one horrible, crashing wave.
I would consider councelling in at least being a space to vent your feelings. I don't think even the most supportive DH can truly understand the depth of grief that goes with m/c so you probably do need to talk with someone other than him.
I wish i could tell you a quick way to 'get over" all this but I am yet to find it myself. The days get easier but those losses are always there and will truly change you for life.

I pray that you can get through this tough time and eventually look forward to trying again. Even after 2 losses, there is a VERY good chance at success.

Oh sweetie, you are definitely not being selfish. Even though I love the little baby growing in my belly with all my heart, I still grieve for the baby that I lost that I will never get to hold in my arms. EDD's of our lost angels are understandable hard. Perhaps you could do something on the day that is special to you in order to remember and honour your little one. I had a star named for my angel and the there is a teddy bear that sits on my desk next to my computer that holds the certificate and star details so that I see it every day.

I completely understand your desire to wait a few months to let your body heal, and at the same time your need to try to fall pregnant again. My obstetrician recommended waiting a couple of months, but when I felt my body ovulating my DH and I couldn't wait and tried to conceive straight away, albeit unsuccessfully that month. I think you have to just listen to your body and your heart and do what feels right for you.

Perhaps to help with your anxiety about having another miscarriage you could request that your doctor run some tests to make sure there is not a medical reason for your previous miscarriages? If everything comes back normal at least you will have the peace of mind knowing that your body is doing all the right things to try to make the perfect home for your little bubba. And perhaps the little spirit that is your baby-to-be is just waiting for the perfect little body to come along so that they can be born into your arms. :hug:

Hun, i know exactly what you are going through. My lost Zara would have been born 2 weeks ago should I had not miscarried. It isn't our fault at all.

The weeks leading up to their "arrival" are hard and the week that they were due is the hardest. I still get teary when i think of it. The pain of a lost bub will never ease.

Try and be positive.. It's not like you can't have a baby, you already have a precious little DD. Those lost bubs weren't supposed to make it into this world, it's God's way of telling us that something was wrong with them. I know it is hard to reason, i have suffered the pain and still am.

I wish you all the best. You will get pregnant again and this time have a successful pregnancy and birth.

I always pray that God should give ALL women the taste of being pregnant and having a baby. It is truly amazing.

xxoo

just want to say that i am so sorry :hug:

please come on here and vent, get angry, cry , what ever it will take to make you feel better and know that we will be here to help you through this

you have been through so much, please be gentle and kind to yourself

take care hun and know that we are here for you whenever you need us

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. Reading your replies over the last week has given me so much comfort. I can now see that I am not going mad and that I really do need to be a little kinder to myself. Talking (via the forum) to people who have 'been there' themselves has been so helpful. I have decided against going for counselling just at the moment, but I will certainly take advantage of these forums when the going gets tough again. Once again, thank you.

Flygirl, I am sorry for the loss of your two angel babies :hug:. Please be asured that what you're feeling is completely natural. If you're not ready and patrified of falling pregnant again (we all fear another loss that's why), then please don't try TTC for a while at least till you get yourself emotionally strong again.
I lost my little boy Joshua in October 2008 at 20 weeks, and that was the hardest and most heartbreaking experience I've gone through. I have been, however, seeing a psychologist since late October and she's helpd me heaps in tearms of trying for another baby soon. Although age is not on my side, I wanted to be ready in some sence, to fall pregnant again. I still think I'm going to freak out when it happens, but at the same time I am so looking forward to expanding my family.
If you do decide to do the councelling one day when you're ready, go to your local GP and get a government approved health plan so you pay heaps less for your visits. Also, if you want to receive free councelling, SANDS is fantastic (they have once a month councelling available) and also they can speak to you over the telephone, and also you can get free councelling through medicare (I found that out through a friend).
Best of luck hun, I wish for your pain to ease soon.
B xx

Flygirl, I am so sorry to hear about your losses. The words in your post could of come from me as well. I went through a little rough patch last year, where I thought that I shouldn't actually be on BB and posting in some of the threads because I already had a little girl, but everyone is so kind and caring and supportive and it is just what we need sometimes (IYKWIM). Come on in and vent and cry and get mad anytime you need to, don't suppress any of your feelings, we are all here for you to give you hugs and support through all of your emotions.

I can't say that the pain ever goes away, but it does ease as time goes by. For me today represents two years (wow how quickly time goes by), since my D&C for my lost little angel at 10 weeks, and we are still TTC #2 without any joy so far and I still think about what it would be like to have two precious little children.

Take care of yourself sweetheart and most of all be kind to yourself. Thinking of you.

flygirl, don't suppress your feelings. You have lost two little babies and you have every right to grieve as you see fit.

It is difficult to keep it together sometimes, but the people around you just have to accept that you are grieving and it's not just a matter of 'moving on'. Some people think it is easy to move on, but as mothers carrying babies, we form relationships and bond with them even when they are very little fetuses.

I think you have been extremely brave and having a rest for a bit might be a good thing. Give it a bit of recovery time - I did that. It takes a long time to come back from a m/c both mentally and physically so give yourself time and NEVER feel guilty about how much time you take.