2ND times the worst

Here is a glimpse of the last couple days. My husband was working when I wrote this and just needed to get my feelings out...

On Wednesday January 21st 2009, Greg and I got to see our baby for the first time. Happy to see a baby gave us some relief however as quick as the joy filled our hearts, the baby wasn?t moving and there was no heartbeat. My heart might as well have been ripped out of my chest and been replaced with an ice cube. Waiting for the doctor to confirm that there was no heart beat seemed like torture. Why wasn?t she saying it when clearly in the ultrasound there was nothing other than a limp baby floating there. I couldn?t look anymore it hurt so badly. This pregnancy seemed to be going well. There was a recorded heart beat and everything looked good with the last ultrasound.

When I went to get dressed it took everything I had not to kick and scream in the change room. Why me, why again? Why can I not have a chance of being someone?s mother? I love kids, I know I can do a great job I just need to be given a chance. Please give me a chance. I am hurting so bad. What is left of my heart is in so much pain I don?t even know how to deal with it.

Now Greg and I have to make a decision. What?, a decision after just finding out 5 minutes prior that our baby had died. We had to decide what we were going to do. I could not go on to have my baby inside me knowing he was dead. I?m supposed to have a living baby growing strong in my belly not a dead one. We decided to go with the medicated pill to start the contractions so my body could expel the baby. What a terrible experience this was. I?m not going into detail on this because I would rather try to never remember that night. My last view of my baby was watching it quickly dive down the toilet to the bottom and into the tunnel. Gone that fast! I thought I was still pregnant at 1300hrs and by 2200hrs my baby was in my toilet. I had to make a choice. Do I flush the toilet and not look back or do I reach in and try to have another look knowing that would be my last chance. As much as I wanted to hold my baby I just couldn?t bring myself to reach in and touch him. I was afraid of how I would deal with it. He?s gone, I?m gone! He?s in heaven, where am I? I have no idea. I am in a sad place that I on the surface I pretend I am okay but truly I have no idea who or where I am anymore. Other than tears I am completely numb. I was so set on being a mom that I was already there. Now that dream has been taken away in less than 12 hours. I feel like it is a punishment for something. What can I do next time so I can have my baby to hold in the end? Just say what I have to do and I will do it. I will do whatever it takes to hold my baby. My pain for this will never be forgotten nor will it ever end. I can only hope that as time goes on it lessens. At this point I can?t imagine this pain going away.

As I sit here typing this, I can feel my empty, sad uterus contracting back to original size. This isn?t anything that I can just block out. I am in physical pain. I am sadly reminded every time I go to the washroom. I just want to run and hide for a while but no matter where I go I will still be bleeding and there will still be pain in my stomach. Why can?t I just escape for while? I?m completely scattered. I need my rock, my husband. I am numb but in so much pain at the same time. I wish I didn?t feel so alone and lost. I know this is not me but I cannot kick it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.. I have no idea the pain and anguish you must be going through but my cheeks are wet with tears for you.. I hope your pain eases and that your husband will be home soon and be of some comfort...:hug:

my heart bleeds for you sweetie, so many of us have been there and are still wondering why.

big hugs- have you thought about joining a support group like bonnie babes??

awww thats so sad im so sorry for you :( i just wish u the strength to get through this, i totally understand and 10 months down the track i still cry often. Time will not heal the pain but it will ease, dont feel bad if u just need to cry, i often did even in target just walking past the baby clothes section.