kick my while i'm down

I am still kicking my self over all the mistakes I made that contribuited to both of my c/s. I am still feeling pathetic and inadequate so the last thing I needed to happen was this.
I went to do a trial workout at a gym. I had someone take me through the circuit workout and because I was only going easy (only had DD 3mths ago) there was room for chit chat. I had told her that I had just had my second baby that was why I was just taking the workout easy she said 'thats ok just do what you can, you must be strong because you have given birth".
I just wanted to cry. I still feel so inadequate about having 2c/s (1emergency and 1 repeat elective) that I didnt tell her. She so happened to be 3mths preg with her first child so she started getting a little invasive with the questions.
As the workout continued she asked how the labour was and did I have to be cut much. I wanted to yell at her "Was I cut much - NO, TWICE I was guttered like a fish and my baby was wrenced out of my womb as I wept into my oxygen mask. But I am sure that want happen to you I am sure you will have a wonderful birth" instead I just gritted my teeth and mumbled "I had 2 c/s".

I am trying so hard to just move on and forget about my c/s but I seem to be constantly confronted with this sort of situation which reminds me of my c/s and then I find myself over explaining why they happened and I just feel like I am still trying to justify it to myself and to reassure myself but deep down I just keep kicking myself about the things that I did wrong that contributed to my 2c/s. Long after the converstation has ended I am left with those recurring thoughts of what I did wrong.

Any suggetions on how to handle these sorts of situations?

I am an educated person I have a science degree form the University of Melbourne and I work as scientist in a top immunology lab but when I was pregnant with my first baby and even my econd did I read up about birthing NNNNOOOOOOOOOO, why?? I really dont know I guess I just assumed it would all just go fine. Normally I research things to the enth degree particulalry if it is for someone close to me i make sure I am upto date with everything but when it comes to me..... I am so angry at myself for not educating myself on birth and knowing about Doulas and support networks etc etc.

I am always there for people close to me if they are having health issues. I find specialists for them and go to appointments with them to make sure all bases and questions are covered and I am very forceful with the Drs. But when it comes to me I have no one by myside because I feel bad about putting someone out to be with me and I just sit in the chair like a shy little child and let the Dr dictate the terms and conditions and I just nod and do what they say.
My heart hurts and I feel so alone.... I think people just assume I dont need anyone fighting for my rights because I am so good at doing it for them. Ever since my dad died 6years ago I have lost my inner strength. I miss him so much :( ...he was my hero

I know this was abit long but thank you for taking the time to read it. I am just feeling so lonely at the moment. I think my sisters decison to terminate her pregnancy has pushed me over the edge because I was so excited when she told me she was pregnant but so upset when she said she was going to get rid of it. I know it is the right decision for her as it was unplanned and not at a good time for her but I am still sad about it because I know how awesome having kids is. I wish I could take it and put in in my womb to grow.

:hug: Hun, You know hindsight is 20/20. Do you think it might be healing to get alongside this girl and tell her that you had a horrible birth experience and want to help her to have a reat experience? It may be healing for you to help someone to do the research, and to really encourage her to have a birth.

You know we are all here for you.

You know what? I think you ARE strong. You are doing everything you can to help you process the way your children came into this world. You are not sitting back and keeping quiet about how you feel. You are healing yourself, and you need to be srong to do that.

Just remember, You are never alone, and when you need us, we are there.

:hug: i know how you feel :hug:

Sounds like i could have written that post in parts...
I however researched birthing loads and loads, but when it came to the big day it all went out the window...
My problem was that i didnt have enough support either, i would have fought tooth and nail for someone else, but i didnt have that support for me.

I go back over and over the mistakes that i made and want to cry.
The best thing that i did to help heal those wounds (the emotional ones) is post on here and find out that i wasnt alone and that others had similar experiences to me.

I still feel slight resentment towards friends that have wonderful natural births and i wonder what that would e like, how it would have been for me...

Take care of yourself :hug: it does get easier

Hun - the girl at the gym was right - you ARE strong because you HAVE given birth. Its still giving birth, whether by c/s or vaginally, and neither way is any easier :hug:

Thank you everyone for your support ...was feeling pretty low when I posted that.
I am finding it hard to open up it is not something I am use to and soooooo appreciate any of you that gives me the time of day...its nice to have people to talk to about stuff you think you cant tell the people around you and its nice to tell people who know how you feel.

I am a little suprised about my feelings towards my births because I have been through much worse situations than this before. I guess the other situations I am referring too were mostly out of my control but with this it is the overwhelming dissapointment in myself that I am struggling the most with...I guess I just need to wait it out

My sister had her scan today and she is 6wks and hasnt changed her mind about terminating. I dont know how to be supportive I feel so sad about it.

thanks again I appreciate your support so very much and I particularly enjoy the hugs :D

I also had a c/s for my first child 4 mths ago. I just wouldn't dialate past 4cm (I swear that measurment will haunt me lol) but i guess I always look at the bigger picture. Every labour is different and the experience of bringing a life into the world should be your focus rather than how.. I try to remember all the good parts like how my husband was excited to wear scrubs (idiot made me take a photo) and how so many people worked together in the theatre to bring my son into the world and that the pediatrician took photos for us so my husband could hold my hand.. We are lucky we live in a country and during a time that with complications we are still able to have babies with limited pain to us and limited distress to our bubs.. c/s should be celebrated as we are lucky that its an option.. You shouldn't be dissapointed in something you had no control over.. If we could all prepare and control our labours they would be quick, easy and pain free haha!

Hi Mykids,

I dont have long to write back but i just wanted you to know that you are not alone....

Also YOU ARE STRONG as you did GIVE BIRTH! Whatever way a child is brought into the world, it is done with STRENGTH!

There is no right way or wrong way to birth your baby, you need never mumble under your breath. Those that judge are not worth it!