gentle parenting causing psychotic mother

I believe in gentle parenting, and all that goes with it, the co sleeping and so on. But one thing I didn't think about was how you get a nearly 2 year old in, who is taking longer and longer to go to sleep and needs me to sit there patting him, while at the same time managing a nearly 6 year old who needs to get into bed at a reasonable hour, who also takes a very long time to go to sleep. DH helps by telling me to stay calm, and putting a movie or the wii on, (I had attempted to have rules re the wii at bed time, especially on school nights), all this is probably excacerbated by the thought ov doing all this with another baby who is due in May. I am getting angry, angry is an understatement, I am smacking, and shouting. There are other things going on, like the contradictions, and constant breaching ov basic rules, like chocolate and sweet snacks b4 meals, I say no and they run to Dad who loves to indulge... sometimes they have chocolate at 10am, when I say no lets do something like colouring in Dad puts a movie or the wii on.
How do people have calm gentle montessori kids, I can't get mine to sit long enough to even try. I have started to give up, all attempts are thwarted anyway. DH means well, but 10 years ov discussion have acheived nothing so I am not going to bother trying to get him to change, probably just need a good winge, and some advice on the sleeping thing.
I did try having them in the room together, but they just get each other excited and start jumping around, which means any attempt at calming books etc is useless, and i end up wanting to throw the books at the walls, or the children......(I would not actually do that!)
HELP!!
Thank you
Kate

Yikes! What a situation! This may be a silly question but is there any way you can get the older child to sleep without you in the room? Like, if you say you'll be right back and wait ten minutes, pop back in to see if he's asleep and if not, read a story then leave for 10 mins again etc. until eventually he learns to fall asleep without you? Just a thought.

yeoww, I'm so sorry, I can hear your stress! Geesh, I'm stressed and I've only got one littlie!

I'm sure there are many with much more useful advice than me - just on the anger factor though, I have just read "Buddhism for mothers, a calm approach to mothering" which has made a HUGE difference for me tapping into CALMNESS in the insanity and dead set frustration.

Truly, it has changed everything and I recommend it to everyone :)

ANyway GBH from me, I hope you get some great suggestions on here.

I think you need to tackle your DH before your children. If they see that Daddy can do whatever he wants no matter what Mammy says then why would they see a need to listen to you or do as you request?

Unplug the Wii and hide the controllers. Ban DVDs. Don't buy in snacky foods so DH can't give them out. He has to listen to you so your children will too.

It is probably more the younger one that is stressing me out, I actually enjoy the time that I have with Eddie, as it is really the only time in the day that I sit down with just him. But Sam takes so long to go to sleep. When DH is home which is nearly all the time I try to organise for them to do things like a diary, drawing, snakes and ladders, which might last for a day or two, but then we are back to the wii, or movies (that I have tried to hide but to no avail, I have thrown them out but they got bought again!) so then when I do finally come out and say let's go to bed he is in the middle of a game, and we end up having an argument, and then I end up being the unreasonable one who doesn't let him finish. So I have been trying putting a time frame on, in 15 mins let's go to bed, but his selective deafness kicks in, and then he is snakey because he didn't get to finish, and is n't interested in stories, if I ignore or don't go in he stays up, and blah blah blah.......
I am partly to blame, but then I have spent the last 5 years trying to implement general rules, I would be the first to say that a strict routine is counter productive, and I get no where, or just for a day or 2, so when I shout and smack (I have done some soul searching tonight and have resolved that I am going to calmer - will check out the budhism stuff - but then I do that regularly, try different things, but end up at the same place, all roads lead to hyper active restless won't go to sleep kids) I am probably tranferring anger, I am really angry with myself and with DH. But then most people I know have issues where they and DH have very different view points, I could be being very arrogant for thinking that I am right, (but junk food in the morning, attempting discipline by depriving them of something only to have it handed straight back by the other one, MA rated movies, constant TV, wii and fighting games until just before bed... ) so I just need to find a middle road, I don't need a solution because there probably isn't one, but I think I really needed to offload because I am feeling better already, and hopeful that tomorrow will be better, although it could be groundhog day......
Thanks all !
Kate

And that is the hardest battle of all, and probably what I am really angry about when I shout at my kids, I am attacking the people who can least fight back, because I am too weak to take on the real problem!!
I know, and I'll get there!
Thank you

It's not if you/'re right or not, it's that you're being undermined. That shouldn't be happening. I don't agree with DH's parenting all the time but I save my criticisms and coments until DS has gone to sleep and we can talk about different ways to tackle things - and different things I can do too.

Compromise is always a good thing. I don't like constant TV but it's non-stop Thomas today as I'm ill and DH is out. I don't want DS playing on computers but DH finds a tractor programme so it's late afternoon before dinner ONLY rather than before bedtime.

Strict routines can be detrimental but a "this at that time only" routine can work. We don't have a strict routine but DS knows that things happen in a certain order and if he wants something then it happens around a certain time - going out for a walk when the sun is out and it isn't raining, bath and bed a half-hour or so after dinner... he doesn't argue about it because that's what happens. It's not good to be rigid but it is good to have a flow to the day, and one your DH can help in too. Junk food just after lunch only, wii after 4 but before dinner... can you discuss it with your DH and see if he'll go along with that?

I guess perseverance is the key, I manage to get something happening but it only lasts for one or two days, then the minute I take the younger one to bed the wii comes on, or a movie gets put on. DH has a thing about TV, and it has caused many arguments, I can have the kids sitting happily having breakie all together, and he gets up and puts both TVs on (I lost the multiple tv battle too), one on cartoons and the other with a DVD in case they want to watch it, so of course the kids are straight up with their toast (actually mostly without it, they don't want it anymore and yes I have tried making other things and getting them involved in the making etc etc) but it is such a big deal when I say turn it off again that after a few days I end up not bothering. I guess part of me feels that I shouldn't have to constantly remind him, but then he says he needs to constantly remind me to turn it on for them. When he pulls out junk food because they are hungry because they didn't eat breakie, I am undermining him by saying no, so there is my battle, and I know there is no easy solution, breaking up didn't work either, although it resolved some more serious things, those really big battles I did win so maybe I should let the other stuff go,
Thank you! I"ll get there, I just have to keep working at it!
Kate

Kate, it sounds like you're doing it really tough :hug:. I have to say, I think the problem is solely with your DH, and that is what you need to address. I don't know him, so I don't know how you can do that, but he has GOT to stop all this nonsense, and undermining your parenting, particularly right in front of the kids. He is not their brother, or uncle, he is their parent.

I think if you can sort him out, and can enforce rules about when TV and wii happen, and food too, you will find it much easier to deal with the sleep time stuff. Good luck :)

Hi Kate,
just wanted to send :hug: and I hope thing improve soon. You are doing such a great job with your children. I definately agree that you need to try and find some sort of compromise between your and DH's parenting styles. I think that children's diets play a huge role in childrens behaviour, so all that junk food is not really helping the situation. Similarly with the Wii and T.V. would not be helping their attention spans and bedtime routine e.t.c. This is a really tough situation, I know it can be really hard when parenting styles differ between parents. I hope you find some way to make things work a bit better.

. . . Smash the TVs. That probably sounds ridiculous, but 2 TVs on at the same time, what the? If you get rid of the TVs, all the movies and the Wii, then it'll take at least as long as it takes DH to buy new ones. When he does, do it again! Eventually he'll get the idea. Obviously this is a last resort but if nothing else works, what does one do?

I've got number 3 arriving soon, and so DD2 decided to go from being perfect sleeper to needing me there all the time whilst falling asleep (and also afew weeks of INSANE tantrums at bedtime). DD1 is therefore getting to bed late. SO... I had to make a few changes. Firstly I did have to put them both in the same room (in a bunk) but DD1 only goes in once DD2 is asleep(unless it's after 8.30pm). DH was not being helpful so I decided we needed to talk! I said I was going to implement some rules that could not be broken and he'd have to follow. So this is what we've done:

1) Give her a choice, clean teeth first or nappy on first.
2) the two book rule. Pick two books and that is IT. DH was letting her have 5. This took a few nights but she got used to it. That is the thing, when setting the rules they will get used to it.
3) being organised, having DD1 ready for bed and homework done, and then she can watch some TV.
4) DH was doing nothing, so as of last week, he is now on teeth/nappy/story duty and I go in for sleep. I can't tell you how much this has destressed me. I was losing it too, and shouting and going insane, crying you name it, because DD2 was playing me. So now DH has to be responsible (which he'll need to be when Im in hospital) and it also shows him what I have to do. I find so far it's worked well. I think DD2 liked the reaction she got from me. She now knows there are firm rules, and I think it's helped DH realise we need rules.
Maybe if you could get your DH to do the bedtime routine? That way you're with the older one (like I am now) and we can have time together.
Good luck xoxo

Thank you all for the messages of support, I managed to get a good nights sleep which while not making much difference to the situation in general has greatly increased my moral!! Most of the problems/disagreements/whatever you want to call them are ongoing and have been an issue. We have generally disagreed on everything, even before we had kids!! Which begs the question.....but I won't go there. He was home from work today, and insisted on putting a Bob DVD on one TV and Nemo on the other, so that our nearly 2 year old would have a choice! But today it didn't cause a meltdown, I just kept going backwards and forwards switching them off, we played tag for about 3 hours, and finally when he realised that I had DS2 happily doing playdo he turned them both onto normal TV for himself. I actually found myself laughing at it!! I know the junkfood doens't help, and the wii and the TV, I can really only work on minimizing! I just have to take charge more, which some days I am better at than others!! But THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone for the posts that reminded me that I am not just a mean crazy whining nutbag!!
Oh, and cutting on the midday sleep and putting him to bed earlier has helped, we have a cranky couple of hours, but he is in bed and asleep by 7ish leaving me plenty of time to get my older one in at a reasonable time! Little battles win the war!!!!!
Thanks again,
Kate

It's a pity that gentle parenting won't work on DH, I think it is too late for him!!
Kate

LOL Kate, you sound like you have a great sense of humour! Keep at it hun, things will get better :)

Yep glad to hear things are improving, and in such a short time. It will get even better!! The trick is being consistent (with DH) he will get the message sooner or later! xo

:

---

I think you need to tackle your DH before your children. If they see that Daddy can do whatever he wants no matter what Mammy says then why would they see a need to listen to you or do as you request?

Unplug the Wii and hide the controllers. Ban DVDs. Don't buy in snacky foods so DH can't give them out. He has to listen to you so your children will too.

---

I agree about the Wii - getting a child's senses hyped up just before bedtime is not going to help at all with a calm bedtime routine.

While you want a gentle parenting approach, a six year can certainly have plenty of boundaries set for what is acceptable at certain times of the day. Set specific limits - 10 minutes of reading in bed before lights out (eg), then lights out. Mum/dad stays for (x) amount of time then it is time to go to sleep.....this is still gentle parenting in my idea of things.