How do you and DH handle it...(take 2!)

Hi everyone...it seems my last post of this thread didn't work...so here it my question again :)..and sorry for asking yet another question, but...

How do you and your DH handle LTTTC and losses? DH and I are finding it tough going right now. It has at times, felt like it has most definately brought us closer together...surviving through it, bonded through it, with DH so lovely and supportive I love him even more.

Other times though, like now, we experience it so differently, we seem to be isolated from one another. I seem to feel the loss more acutely, which I know is common for women,compared to men, I require a lot more emotionally, whereas DH goes inward, and is busy and stressed at work, and I sometimes feel alone, then get angry with him. He in turn feels stressed, tries to be strong for me, feels like he can't reach me and like he is trying to juggle extreme work pressures with all thats going on at home.

Plus he bounces back to positive thinking and looking forward more quickly than I can, because I am still grieving more I think. I would have been 12 weeks today and instead of going in for an ultrasound, I went in for multiple blood tests to check for possible miscarriage causes. It's sad.

I guess I just want to know if others have experienced this. I know we'll pull through and reconnect again in time.

Oh Possums, I don't know that I can say anything to help, I know that this is just so hard for you. I hope that time will make the difference, your heart will slowly heal and you too can start to look forward again. I too struggle with the different perspective that DH has, perhaps ask yours to allow you to talk about this as much as you want, to grieve, to vent and rage, and make him understand that this is not something that he has to 'fix' or 'make better', that he just needs to listen to what you have to say.

I wish I could take it all away for you. I really hope your tests give you some resolution or something to work on and pray that you will soon have your forever baby in your arms. Hugs

Thanks so much BD...I know it will get better. And yes, DH is getting better at not trying to fix things, but sometimes we still seem to be from different planets :lol:
I know it's hard for him too.

In the meantime, I can keep venting to all of you :redface:

oh huni,
my sis had 10 mc before she had my nephew and she found out she has got a auto immune prob i think.
dont lose hope you will have your forever baby.
as for your dh tell him you need to talk to him about how bad your feeling...bottling it up will only make you feel worse more alone.
im not saying he isnt there but men try and bury their heads iv noticed.
i dont want to offend you huni,
be strong we are all here to listen and support you.
all my love and huge hugs
love rach xxxxx

Possums - I don't know what to say other than to remember how differently men & women process things. Just this week when I was in the waiting room to be called in for my egg retrieval which I was anxious about (and DH knew I was anxious) he was flitting around, taking walks, didn't seem to care. I didn't really push it but learned the next day that he almost can't deal with the hospital and my going in for the procedure because he has no control over it and feels so badly that I have to go under and have this surgery. I had no idea - I thought he was just so blase about it. Also, he only revealed this during a very casual conversation - clearly, when he was ready to reveal what was going on in his head. I like to talk about everything until it is talked to death - then I put it behind me. He is very, very different - often this causes arguments but I slowly learned to first assume he too has no idea what is going on in my head. This worked well on Tuesday when I came home after learning that both retrieved eggs had died - he knew because I called him at work to tell him but this is the first time we are seeing each other after learning of this. I walk in, he continues to watch the news...I sit on the other couch...watch the news & wait & wait & wait...make small talk about the news (still waiting)...then, I almost start yelling and saying all sorts of things, but I take a deep breath and say that I need a hug...he jumped up so fast, and then did all that I had wanted - he just didn't know. I know we think they should realize, but they are kind of dumb about these things. I don't know why I find it so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt as he always comes through when something is calmly presented in a non-accusatory way.

Men like to solve problems - listening to how we feel about them isn't their strong point - I think they try, but I really do think that when they love someone and can't help, their way of dealing with it is to look forward to the next step - otherwise it just kills them on the inside in the same way that we suffer after each of these tremendous disappointments on this journey...

buliej- firstly can I say I am really sorry to hear about your eggs not making it. I know each dissapointment like that dashes hopes and can be a real blow so I hope you are doing OK. hugs

secondly, i can relate to what you said about your DH watching the news and not paying you attention when you walked in...need/expecting attention straight away. Sometimes it's ben the same with DH and I...and if I snap and yell he gets defensive and upset...yet if I calmly explain, he does what I need every time. Thanks for taking the time to share.

rach- thanks for the support also

possums, so sorry for what you are going thru.
we are definitely different creatures, men and women!

Does your clinic offer counselling or is there a close friend you can chat to about it? DH is dealing with it all, just differently.it might help if you were able to talk it out with someone not as close to it all.

it might help you and it might help DH.

men like to be the strong silent types but it affects them just as deeply. i thougth my DH ws blase in our last FET recently until I made some off hand comment in the 2WW about it ''not working,i just know it'' and he burst into tears! i felt like an insensitive witch. now i'm more aware of supporting him as he does me and more sensitive to his signals (which are easily missed or misread).

good luck! oxox

thanks Grub! good advice...and hugs to you