Not coping very well

Just a bit of a vent really.. I am not coping at all, had my babies survived they would have been 3 months old today.. My due date is March 11 which I am dreading.. I went to a doctor yesterday to have my contraception shot and he tried to get me to go on anti depressants.. I really don't want to so I said I would think about it.. A girlfriend made a comment yesterday 'how I am doing better than I was' NO I AM NOT!! I AM WORSE! and I feel kind of peeved that she wouldn't know that as we are good friends.. Oh well, maybe I am just a good actress! Anyway I had Taite and Seth's names written in the sand.. It was a link posted on here somewhere.. A gorgeous lady that has also lost a bub, writes your babies names in the sand at sunset and takes a picture of them.. They are beautiful.. So I e mailed her and she did that for me and my FIL printed them out on canvas.. Anyway check out the site if you haven't already To Write Their Names In The Sand... I also found a site called Nicola's Tears.. A lady put it together for her friend who lost a bub so I posted some poems etc.. I guess doing these things makes me feel it keeps their memory alive.. I am going to a Bonnie Babes meeting next thurs.. I have been to 1 before.. Only a small group of bereaved parents but it's good. I think it helps.. Well thats enough from me.. I just want this to get better. I feel pain, guilt everything.. It is so damn hard. I miss my boys so much.. Even tho they never came home, even tho I should be pregnant still, I sit outside and imagine them waking, I imagine feeding them and playing with them.. Sill cos even if they had survived they probably wouldn't be out of hospital yet.. Oh dear I feel like I am going insane!!!!!!!

How terrible a time for you - all I can offer are prayers of support coming your way.

Aweh, sweetie, im so sorry for your losses. I was due the day after you but I lost her too, and sometimes it seems that to others you're doing really well, even if you're not. This will never go away, but eventually it will seem to get better and eventually be able to cope. I'm thinking of you & your boys, and hope you feel better soon. xoxoxMikayla.

:hug: I know it won't change anything or help much but I just wanted to offer you a hug. I hope that down the road it does become easier for you.

I can understand that you would still need to grieve, you have suffered a terrible loss and have to deal with constant reminders, grief never goes away, you just learn to hide it better.
FWIW I have found anti depressants have really helped but then again I have depression, you have just lived through a terrible ordeal so its perfectly understandable you feel this way.
Hope the Bonnie babes meeting helps, take care of yourslef hun, surround yourself with peopl and things that lift you up.

I am thinking of you beautiful Mama - my love, support and prayers are with you at this unmentionably sad time. :hug:

Sending love and support in your time of terrible loss and grief.

I visited Taite and Seth's names in the sand - such a beautiful memorial for your precious twins.

xx
Marydean

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts.. It does help to know people care.. I mean you guys don't know me but you still take the time to offer me a hug or let me know I am not alone.... I am thinking of starting my own memorial website for Taite and Seth but I wouldn't have a clue where to start!! I am not that computer literate.. I did an extremely silly thing last night.. I got so drunk the last thing I remember is vomiting into a plastic bowl at our neighbours house!..:redface: Oh dear can't wait to see them while checking the mail.. LOL My partner also wrote himself off but went to bed as he had to work today!! I don't remember leaving the neighbours, but I woke up in bed with my same clothes on (that has to be a good thing?? at least I wasn't naked!)and a 2 litre bottle of water next to me! I am horrified.. I haven't been like that since I was about 21! Anyway I feel the pinch now.. Serves me right! Hopefully the last bit of immaturity got spewed out last night!! (Sorry TMI)

Hun. no-one thinks any less of you, its probably something you needed to do!

hey it's Lauren from nicola's tears website. don't worry you're not going insane. we all cope with grief differently, i know someone who went through a stage of looking through their house all the time for their stillborn child just hoping that they might find them. i also know of people who have worn their baby bjorn pouches and just hugged it pretending there was a baby inside. sending big hugs to you. i will email you about starting up your own website as i know how to do it for free - sounds like a really good idea!!