I need some advice re: 3yr old boy

Hi
My DS has started throwing major tantrums and I know that most of them are triggered by hunger, tiredness, overstimulation but there has been a couple of times which seem to come from absolutely nowhere.
The other day when we were on the train and he shouted really loud in a passengers ear (she leant right forward to escape the sound) and I reminded him that we were indoors and asked him to apologise to her. This has never been a problem before but this time he just let loose and refused to apologise. He had a huge melt down and I ended up having to put him in the stroller (while hanging onto DD),to let him calm down and then explained to him that he still had to apologise, which he did and everything was fine. Then yesterday he was rude to a friend and again when asked to apologise he just refused and had a tanty.
So am I doing the right thing with, knowing how he is currently responding, asking him to apologise or should i give him a couple of weeks grace period. Also could I have dealt with the above better?
Where are these tantrums (which involving the screaming, tears & lately lashing out at me :() coming from.
Thank you :)

It's so hard to know what to do in public! Sounds like you handled it well though. I don't think he should have a grace period, gentle discipline all the way. If you let him do it for X amount of time he'll get confused when you suddenly start disciplining him. Could he be doing it for attention?

Jacob has some major melt downs.. WE have to just ignore them mostly.. I know his are from tiredness or hunger so we try and sort that out. He refues to day sleep (except on rare rare occasions)

I wonder if its just a developmental thing.. Asserting thier independance and all that. they are still little babies yet they think they are all grown up.

We are unable to get Jacob to apoligise. When he does something wrong to smeone or does something he just starts yelling im tired , im hungry.. When he refuses to listen at those times we remove him from that situation.. For example at home he gets taken to his room and told he can come out when he is ready to listen/apoligise. if out and about we will either take him to the car or go and sit on some seats somewhere

Just a thought from me - when I turn around and just tell DS without warning that he has to apologise, he won't.

If I ask him if what he did was good boy or not, would he like that? Does DS like to be hit? Does DS like me to speak like that to him? No? Does he want to say sorry then?

Usually he thinks he decided he wanted to say sorry so it works. If it's something I want him to do, he may refuse just because he's asserting his independence and thinking he is grown up. By treating him more as a grown up than as a little boy he is more compliant with what I want.

BTW, I think you are doing the right thing in insisting your son apologise. Children have to learn their actions affect other people and sometimes other people don't like those effects!

Thank you for your replies.

Nee, I have been wondering if he is doing it for attention and when they happen at home I have started to ignore them, but when its in public i find that it is not always so easy.:redface:

Ryn - Thanks for that, I'll will have to try approaching it from that direction. I think i have been struggling with the fact he wants/needs more independance and I need to adjust his boundaries.

*sob* my little boy is growing up.

Hi, I think you're doing your best.

I work as a clinical psychologist/counsellor with children and their families. I'm also a mother to a 16-months-old, who is starting to assert her independence!

I think that the keys to a well behaved & happy child are 1) having clear rules/boundaries and 2) stick to them consistently, 3) while still being mindful about your child's emotional state and developmental stage.

Tantrum is a very normal phase of development, and children usually grow out of it by about 5 years of age. We can, and it is important to, teach our children to be polite, caring, etc while our children are still going through this stage. It is also important to see if your child is ready to listen to what you have to say - ie, has s/he calmed down enough? does she feel listened to (eg, parent accept s/he's feeling upset)?

Having said these, well, I'm finding my DD's "little" tanrum can already be a big challenge!!! Parenting, what a joyful yet demanding job:juggle:

Hi Clare,

I have only just seen this post...i am so sorry to hear your having a few issues at the moment. I think your doing a fantastic job in the way you are approaching this behaviour and yes it is a little bit harder when out in public,espcially when you cant just get in the car and drive home and remove your DS from the situation.

If it makes you feel any better, your DS isn't the only 3 year old child who has tanty's like this most children will go through their fair share of tanty's too at some stage or another. Your doing a fantastic job darl, keep it up and i'm sure the tanty's will happen less and less as time passes.

Take care, and if you ever want to chat you know im here x

Can someone please tell my 16 year old she's supposed to have grown out of tantrums by now lol