im so lost

five weeks ago i lost my eleven week old son, Malakhi. he was such a happy healthy baby who hardly cried. he was a baby that loved being around other people and a baby who loved to know what was going on around him. i have a 20 mth old and she is the only thing that is keeping me going atm. i never thoought it would be so hard for me to try and keep going. the last happy thing we did together was go swimming it was his first time.
the funeral was such a blur i dont remember any of it. i never got to hold him one last time all because i couldnt stand up. it hurts so much to have seen a stranger carrie him away from me, knowing he will never come home.
when i found him, i believe that he was already gone and i kick myself each and every day for not telling him how much i loved him more often. i feel as if i cant cry because im scared that if i start i wont be able to stop. i cant sleep at night cos all i think of is ma little boy being so alone. i wish that i held him for that extra five minutes at the hospital, and keep hoping its all a dream. i dont know how to move on or even start to grieve.
im on here tonight because ive realised that nothing is ever going to bring him back and it is so hard to breathe or even think right now. i just wanna scream and yell and have someone to blame other than myself. im at a dead end and dont know how to turn around.

I know no words to express how devistating this must be for you. All I can offer at the moment is :hug: and lots more :hug: Keep talking and at the moment, nothing is right or wrong, just how you feel and caring for your little girl.

:hug: I have no words but :hug: I am so very sorry

I am so sorry you lost your little boy Malakhi. He felt your love in every cuddle, every feed, everytime you looked into his eyes.

If you want someone to talk to there are 24 hour support phone lines at Bonnie Babes and SIDS and kids. Some of the counsellors at Bonnie Babes have also lost babies.

Bonnie Babes phone 1300 Bonnie (1300 266 643)
Bonnie Babes Foundation

SIDS and Kids 03 9822 9611or Free Call 1 800 240 400
Sids and Kids - Sudden infant death and safe sleeping for use by parents, health professionals, researchers, school teachers and children

Take care of yourself,

Kate

I"m so very sorry for the loss of your son. I wish there were words I could say to take away your pain. Hold the memories of your precious son close to your heart, he knows your love for him. Please talk to us here on BB, there is so much support here and it helps so much even just to write the words here. I pray that God will give you the strength to get through this very difficult time. My thoughts are with you.

Regards,
Dianne

Sorry for your loss!!I could imagine how much pain you feel;I wish I had any words that would take away your pain. I loss my son at 22wks and I was devestated I could believe it....it was the worst thing that ever happen to me so I understand you if you need anyone to talk I'm here..my thoughts are with you.:grouphug:

I am so very sorry for your loss.
I can not begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling right now.
Kate has given some great advice, maybe give them a call?
Big big hugs to you, I wish you didn't have to go through this, it's just not fair, no mother should have to go through the loss of a child, it's just not natural.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your son..

I am on the gold coast and I have found a support group through the Bonnie Babes foundation as kate07 suggested.. I go to night support meetings that they hold once a month and I find it beneficial.. Not that everyone will but I think most parents blame themselves or has some kind of guilt and regret.. At these meetings you can openly speak about it and not be judged.. Or you don't have to speak at all you can just listen. It is good to hear from people who have experienced the grief of losing a baby and you feel reassured that our feelings are normal and you are not going insane.. It is such an awful thing to go through. Just take 1 day at a time and look after yourself and your daughter.. Big :hug: to you.. Keep popping in here and vent as you wish..

So sorry to hear of your loss :hug:

I can feel the devastation through reading your post :hug:

It must be so hard right now.

All i can say is take it one day at a time, even one hour or one minute at a time. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, dont shut that off, it makes things so much harder in the long run, trust me. If you feel like you will start to cry and not be able to stop, thats ok, go with that, you probably need it so much.

Sending you lots of strength :hug:

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

Please know we are all thinking of you !

Massive :hug: for you

xxxx

I am so sorry.
There is nothing anyone can say that will take your grief from you right now.
But please, do keep reaching out. Do keep talking about your beautiful son and how much you miss him and ache for him.
Know that there are people here who will offer you the support of a listening ear, and are willing to read your words and respond. Whenever you feel you might need to.
Take care of you.

I am so so sorry to hear of your loss hun :hug:. Losing a baby is the most devestating pain a person can go through. All I can offer you is just big hugs and lots of strength to get you through this very devastating time. I have lost my own son at 20 weeks, he didn't even open his eyes yet. All I ever wanted was for him to look into my eyes and see how much I loved him. He is always with me and sometimes I can feel him around me, which makes me happy as I know he is always around.
You need to grieve hun, I know it can be so hard as you have a 20 month old to look after. Please, please know that it is a very important step, and one that must be taken.
I'm also from Melbourne, and I have been attending SANDS meetings which run once a month. I have found them very beneficial, and I also see a psychologist about twice a month now. If you ever need to talk, please PM me anytime.
Big hugs hun, and you are in my thought and prayers, and so is your little angel Malakhi.
RIP precious little boy.
Beata xxx

i am so sorry for your loss and cannot comprahend how difficult it muc be to cope with day to day things with a toddler aswell.
im lad you have found a support netwrok with bonnie babes they are amazing

hi

Sorry you are having to through this right now, it is the most devastating life changing experince that can happen to anyone.
We are all here for you.
I lost my daughter full term at 2 days old, six weeks ago, and I find it hard each minute of every day.
But as the other ladies have mentioned the support groups are great and just been able to tell your precious little boys story to someone will help. They are quite happy to hear the story as many times as you need to tell it.

Just sending you a big hug and to let you know that we are all thinking of you.

xxoo

my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
i'm so sorry