Do the feelings ever go away?

I'm having a bit of a blah weekend, and then discovered something last night that has just added to it.

I did notice that after getting far enough along in the pregnancy with Samuel to believe that he was actually going to make it into the world that I started to feel differently about people around me falling pregnant. However, they were pretty much all first time mums, or other assisted conception pregnancies. I guess I hoped I was "cured" of the jealousy and rage and feelings of how bloody unfair that arose every time I endured yet another pregnancy announcement.

And then yesterday I found out some friends are expecting number two. Number one would have been very close in age to one of our angels, so it was really, really hard hearing about that one... Now I find hearing about number two I have all the old feelings of jealousy and how horribly unfair life is. I can't figure out why this one is bugging me so much... because it's a number two baby that I don't expect to ever have? because if our angel had stuck it could very well have been us conceiving number two around now?

Is this the way it's always going to be now? I thought it would subside a bit more now that Samuel is here... but I'm just shocked at the intensity of emotion that this one has brought along with it and the thought of always reacting this way is scary to say the least.

BW

BW - can't really help with that just wanted to send you a :hug:. Imagine it's probaby a very difficult time emotionally for you with all the hormones in your body still in flux after the birth and not much sleep. Sending lots of peaceful vibes.

I am in the same boat with you, if it works at all it will only be one baby for me. I just know if it happens our baby will be so much wished for and be welcomesd with so much love that hopefully that makes up for never having a silbling.

Sara

BW,

I can totally understand those feelings! I have only suffered one loss and we have Bella who is now 3 months old but my BF is preg and I feel jelouse all the time when I hear about it or talk to her about it - I have no idea why that would be because I have my bub and she is perfect! I think its just another emotion that gets hightened with all the others when you are a new mum with a new bub - Im sure in timke it will get better.

I think we just need to acknowldedge these feelings and not push them away only to have them rear their heads again and again.

Hugs to you and I hope you feel better soon!!

Kate xox

Admitting a serious fault of mine here :redface: I still have feelings of jealousy for those who fall pregnant first time / without trying / by accident / without a problem - and yes, with their subsequent children too.

And yet, for those who have experienced *difficulty* (defined by my head and my interpretation - not based in *reality*) I don't have the same feelings. It also applies for those who remember my angel - they seem to *get* that the pregnant / baby path is not a guaranteed one and they remember my losses which seems to grant them immunity :redface: For them, I am happy and the jealous sensation doesn't seem to occur.

I guess my feelings of jealousy are more about the ability to choose when and where to have a baby. To choose a spacing that suits your family. To experience the innocent joy of a pregnancy not laced with mild to moderate (and occasionally high) levels of fear about loss or the complications that can occur. I wish I could have that :(

Instead, I have the blessing of two healthy living babies and an angel baby (plus my miscarriages) and a completely different me to the one that existed when I first started TTC. One who still gets jealous .....

:hug: BW

I understand what you are going through. I've the same feelings (only posted something similar not so long ago myself). My feelings go up and down...I'll feel extreemly jealous of other pregnancy announcements, whether it be bubs number 1, 2 or more. And the jealous feelings are even stronger when they have been naturally conceived too. Then after the jealous feelings calm down abit I feel guilty for having been jealous and feel I should be happy for them and then finally realise I should be happy to have been blessed with Cameron - as some people don't have that yet (and for some sadly it possibly never will- oh that makes me sad now - ah the guilt feelings have now risen). So now when I hear a pregnancy announcement I try to remind myself immediately that I'm so lucky to have had Cameron...try to remind myself how blessed I am to have such a beautiful (and well behaved) little boy...yeah the jealousy is still there, but it's not as bad as what they could be I think.

It has taken me a few months to get here. Hopefully you can get to this 'place' I'm in soon too.

hun - i think some of the difference between a long termer getting their BFP and a "natural" pg is that, with a long termer, you know the emotion, you know what they've been through, you know that this baby is much longed for

with a natural pg - it's harder to understand their emotions, and sometimes, it harder to see the joy they're feeling because you haven't been a part of that journey...

i completely get where you're coming from - i still groan at hearing about some people falling pg - and it drives me insane - i have no reason to not be happy for them, but i just can't feel that level of joy for them - i just kinda think "yeah, good" and have to move on...

wish i could give you some deep insight and make it seem ok, but i think we're always going to carry a degree of pain from this journey, and it's going to mess with us big time

thinking of you hun

BG

As much as you probably don't want to hear me say it, I don't know if the feeling ever goes away either :(

I could've completely written Michelle's post word for word - I'm still jealous of the women that just get to 'choose' when is best for them. I have absolutely no issues or feelings of jealousy with anyone that has had to fight to make it happen... :redface:

I think, with every lesson we learn in life, there has to be something about that lesson that makes its mark on us permanently - sometimes its a good mark, and other times its a not so good mark.
I think feelings like this for us LTTTCers is just another horrid addition to the journey :(

I'm hoping that when I've finished having children that my feelings go away, but I think deep down I know they won't...

It will still hurt that the other 'normal' (:rolleyes:) people around me got the unexpected surprise, the adrenalin rush of OMG I'm pregnant without thousands of $$, thousands of emotions, thousands of appointments, and thousands of drugs leading up to it happening.... and the fact that they 'choose' when is right for them for subsequent pregnancies... and then it happens, hurts like hell....

I think we can all learn something & take comfort in the fact that we can ADMIT the jealousy or envy or whatever other feeling we are feeling... I would imagine that we would all be in a much less healthy headspace if we were trying to make ourselves (and others around us) believe that we were really fine with it IYKWIM???

Lots and lots of hugs hun, and know you're not alone... and what you're feeling is completely normal ;)

xxxxxxxxxxxx

I honestly don't think it will ever go away. 3 years on and those feelings are still only just under the surface all the time.

I don't think it makes me, or anyone else who feels this way, in any way a bad person. I think we mourn the fact that it never will ever be that easy for us. That's an on-going awareness, and I think it's natural to be jealous that some things come so easily to some people, be it pregnancy, career, money, whatever.

A few months on, and I'm finding I'm absolutely swamped by those feelings again. I'm struggling with the reality that things are NEVER going to change. Struggling with the feeling that I'm always going to have this twisted, bitter person inside when that's not who I am and not who I want to be.

I think it's just the nature of things at the moment. A pregnancy announcement at church from the woman who's always given me a hard time and completely lacked any shred of understanding regarding what it is like trying to do things around a baby and especially what it is like for me trying to do things at all while struggling with a chronic illness. Apparently she's ok to talk to the person sitting next to me holding my baby, but can completely ignore me at the time. Is it wrong for me to be secretly hoping that she gets a really unsettled, colicky baby that never sleeps and just screams?

And then I arrived home yesterday to an email from my mother letting me know that one of my cousins is pregnant. I want to be excited, but I just can't be. It explains a lot, really - she completely refused to hold Sam when he was born and acted as though she was frightened of him... I now recognise that as the reaction of someone who's trying and a little scared... But I can only put a time-frame of six months on that one - maximum, so I'm finding it REALLY hard to be happy. I'm hurting.

I think, if anything, it's getting harder and harder as time goes on... Or perhaps I'm just feeling especially raw at the moment. Pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day today and an angel's anniversary next week and I'm quite possibly just in a bad headspace as I've been having more of a battle with my health than normal lately.

*sigh*

I guess it's time to face reality that I really am a bitter person on the inside. Bitter that my health sucks and that I'm not likely to ever know a day to go by without physical pain and needing to take handfuls of tablets every single day. Bitter that something that should be so natural is so damned difficult as to be nearly impossible for us.

BW

you know what? it's ok to feel bitterness about some things BW! you've been dealt a relatively crappy hand in life with your illness issues, and then you've had the double whammy of PCOS and MFI - if you weren't feeling bitterness about that, i'd be worried!!

i can't say anything that will make how you're feeling any different - it is what it is. you're entitled to your feelings! and you're dealing with them in the best way you can - you're not bottling them up and taking them out on anyone - you're talking about them and trying to understand where they come from.

as i said on MSN - i think LTTTC and losses scar you for life - they change who you are and how you perceive things. no matter what we've been blessed with since then, a very large portion of our lives was eaten away with the pain of what we were enduring - and that doesn't just go away. your love for Sam is unquestionable - he is a miracle baby who has filled your life with happiness - but he is not a relacement for the angels you lost. he is not some miracle cleaner that can erase the pain and heartache of your journey. he is just Sam. to expect his presence to change those feelings is to expect more of him than he can give

i too feel the pain still. Emerald is still so young, and even if we wanted more (which is still something we haven't decided), it's not time yet. i have heard of others in our circle falling pregnant and i have rejoiced for them - they are the ones that i know have struggled with a similar path. yet i've heard of some IRL and it hurts me no end. it's not everyone - there are some who have conceived with no issue and i am happy for them. i guess maybe it's the ones, like Michelle mentioned, that have shared my journey and been understanding, even if they've not shared the experience

i think today is a big day for many of us. i woke with E this morning and she went back to sleep - i lay there just watching her with tears streaming down my face. she is my perfect baby girl. she fills my heart with love every time i look at her. she has done all she can to mend the void that had opened through our journey. but we had five angels before her - and i can't help the "what if" thoughts from entering my head and i can't help the pain in my heart for them.

as to the woman from your church - you've mentioned her to me in the past. she sounds like a clueless snobby twit. i can only hope that her child is born healthy but full of spirit that never allows her any rest - after a looooong pregnancy full of MS - i don't wish anyone harm - just a bit of a reality check!

BW and BG- I am still on the other side of the fence, but I think I can still add a comment here, as I have already thought about the fact that when we do finally have a baby, it will not solve all in our life...it will not totally erase the hurts and the losses and the anger...it won't undo the changes in the person I am...it will just change things, and help some aspects heal and help me move on to another chapter where hopefully the fulfillment will help some of the other things heal more and move forward...but i dont think it will ever totally heal things, as I said...nor will I ever be the person I was before I started this process. I think you have to accept that some of the changes are OK..you are only human...and on the positive side, you will always now have more empathy and understanding and sensitivity for others in the same boat.
The woman at your church does not sound nice...so many people are really ignorant and insensitive...sometimes i feel like i am surrounded by them.
And you will always have a place in your heart for the angel babies...and the occassional what-if thoughts.
Take care and hang in there.

Great thread, girls. It's reall interesting to know what effect this has had so that folks on the other side of the fence have some idea and can be prepared.
I was especially interested in what BG said about not wishing anyone harm. I caught myself wishing that someone else's child would drown. Not actually the case, and it would rip me apart if that happened, but I do catch myself having malicious feelings from time to time, and it is SO good to know that other people get them too (although maybe not as horrible as mine) So, BG, thanks for giving me a new idea on how to phrase that in my mind.
So, maybe those feelings will be there forever. As Possums said, having a baby doesn't erase the hurt of not having one. You're not jealous or resentful of the baby, or even the pregnancy itself, it's about the naivete or simplicity and ease with which they go through it. I think it probably takes a special breed to understand it.
Meanwhile, know that you have one of the most loved babies on the planet (and three others out there) and go and give him a big squishy cuddle.

I don't actually know you BW, but I would never describe you as a bitter and twisted person. You seem to have so much time and empathy for other people!

Our life experiences shape us, and sometimes scar us, that's true. Given everything that you've been through, and are still going through, it's hardly surprising that you feel this way. And it can be hard not to let the bitterness swallow us sometimes - I hope the people who love you can help to pull you out when it gets really bad, starting with your lovely little Sam.

:hug: