Think i have to get it all out. (bit TMI, but my story of my 3 Angels)Bit long too so

Ok well ..... (deep Breathe) I never really speak about my losses to many people (including DP and Family) have a friends that has been through it also so understands but appart from that everyone else i tell or talk to about it things seem to well go wrong.

My history. I have had 1 loss before my DS and 2 after then my DD. my 1st Loss i never really speak about as i feel like i'l the one to blame and i think keeping it to myself for so many yrs has caused this need to block it out completly I never notice if the date comes, i dont greieve, i just feel guilt. ( to explain i was young and stupid andhad a one night stand after my boyfriends broke up with me and after this one night stand (:wall: no condom) i made an appointment for the Morning after pill... I was about 17. I couldnt believe how easy it was to get it. No run through of anything medical. just basically here you go. Went to the pharmasist and picked them up got hom had the 1st one and by the time i was taking the 2nd one i was bleeding which i expected until well here we are almost 6 yrs after still eating myself up about seeing that tiny 'baby like" body on my pad. the Hospital told me i was about 10-12 weeks. I have always had irregular periods but had noticed lots of weird spotting over the past months.

After not speaking about it to ANYONE about it and i think being young i was sad but also thinking OMG i would have had a baby at 17/18. Bout a yr later i meet my DP and u know faal in love, move in and Boom i'm preggas. I fel preg on the pill... YAY we were so happy... Still not thinking bout my previous M/C. It wasnt until my next one which was in 05 about 9-10 months after DS was born. Aweful period like pains (i get bad cramps so again thought nothing or it ended up on the floor of the bathroom crying while DS was sleeping. Got up cos i needed to pee (so i thought) nope soon as i stood up i felt all this stuff rush out (like post natal bleeding a bit- you know high flow blood loss... sorry :tmi: i remember Seeing it on my pad this .... well Liver looking blob. thought it was weird and actually phoned the doc so see what the go was and he started discribing exactly what i was seeing. told me to come in and bring the pad with me. (family GP i had seen since i was like 3-4) So i get the devistating news there its only a very early loss estimated at only few weeks but GP couldnt be sure. walk out crying with a screaming DS and get home pack some stuff and tell DP i was at a friends whenhe got home. no discussion of it. I get home and he can tell something is wrong andafter a fight i burst into tears and blurt the whole thing out and he comforts me saying its all ok... yadda yadda... acta like nothing has happened. I get cranky cos its like he doesnt care so i tell him bout the ist incident and he understand i'm grieving for both.

Fast forwards til June the following Yr (O6). While TTC our next baby it happens again... ( still deep breathing if you got this far thanks) few days before my Mums birthday i wake up DP is already at work and i've been up most the night with cramps... (thinking i ate something bad) DS is awake i get up to him and feel not right a bit dizzy. Start with the dioreah ( :tmi: again) and then my AF so feeling lousy. well i wish i could have just had a tummy bug. But 2 i take myself to the GP cosi had passed out am dizzy, dioreah, cramps like you wouldnt believe. Worrying that DS could get what i have... get there and see my GP and after a check up and seeing me he phones the hossy and tells them he thinks i am M/C. i get told to phone DP or a friend and go straight there. I 1st go home to get DS's bag with more stuff and well lets just say i never made it to hossy. Worst part about having M/C at home is the harshest heart breaking task of what to do with what you have. I ohone the hossy to inform them i was on my way and ask them what i do with my angel baby that i'm walking around the house looking at and crying. it looks awird but you can see its baby features, transparent little body, arms.... they tell me to just flush it. ****...... (ok... balling my eyes out remembering what i had seen.)

DP gets home as soon as he walks in i blert it out balling my eyes out and he's like why didnt i call him etc then he acts like its ok I'm alrite andthats the main thing I think he never knew what to say. So he rings my Family tells then were going away and wont be over for my Mums B'day and that we'd come over when we got back.

Few days after Brad has gone back to work my Step Dad startes trouble at work and DP rings me saying he wantes to fight him... WTF... I go down there.. Its all cos we didnt go to my Mums... :rolleyes: So after a few hours DP and SD are going at it punching up cos my SD pushed me and DP steped in. takes 8 other guys to pull them apart. DP has a dislocated finger which the boss insist on pulling out right and DP ends up in hand surgury re attaching the bone that broke when DP's boss "pulled" the finger back in place. Police are called and then i have to go through the "domestic" So Dp tells my old bos (his boss) what the deal was then the police need to know what started it and saying i didnt go to Mums for her B'day just didnt cut it so i'm in the office balling my eyes out opening up to a plice MAN about my M/C.

2 weeks later i move out of our house move away and havent seen my family since.
The last few yrs without my Family i have joined BB and learnt so much. Its helped me to open up about my Angels and well Having no family of my own now i think i feel like i should aknowledge that there part of me instead of hiding and kepping things inside.

So what do you do when your angel-versary comes up?? I light candles at christmas and easter and B'days etc. I never looked into EDD of when my Angels would have been here if.... well cant go back but u get the picture.

Thanks for reading if you got through it well done...

Awwwww Jess :hug: its never easy talking about your loss - but its something you should do - it will make you feel much better!
Hopefully this has helped you a bit! as sad as it is thank you for sharing it with us! :hug:

No words of wisdom Jess - just :hug:

I don't think you should blame yourself for any of them though. You did what you thought was best at the time - and thats the best anyone can do.

xxxx

I think you're really brave to deal with all this, especially without the support of family, and hopefully you'll feel some relief now that you've let it out. Talking about it, even writing about it, is a big step in the process of grieving and being able to move forward. I'm not saying forget about it now, but to be able to acknowledge it and think about it instead of hiding it away and letting it eat at you, it's healing and you can start to move ahead now in your thoughts and life.
Life's pretty messy sometimes, and it's so hard to think clearly when something so horrible is happening, but you did the best you could. I think maybe it would be helpful if you have a small personal ritual whenever you feel like it, to acknowledge yourself and your babies, and make it something positive in your family's life. Light a special candle, plant some flowers or a tree, whatever you like, just put your energy into it. :hug:

:hug: aww Jess just wanted too say I am so sorry for your losses and to say maybe you should consider a bit of counselling to help you with what I'm sure are some strong emotions surrounding these losses.

You should certainly not feel guilty about your first loss. You really deserve to not feel guilty about this anymore. I am sure that beautiful baby would not be wanting his or her beautiful mummy to feeling like this.

:hug: Jess, im so sorry for your losses

:crying: :comfort: hun. so sorry to hear of your losses. I will light a candle for your angels. xo

Wow jess i had no idea.
You are such a strong person, That took alot of strength to share that with us.
DO NOT feel guilty at all, it is not your fault :hug:

Thanks for everyones replies. We had an anniversary few weeks ago and usually i'm down all day but i said my little bit in the morning lit my candle let it burn all day... Was weird cos the candle was flickering all day...

i know it sounds weird but i fels like i had extra strength that day. and i really need some of that lately...

huge hugs jess,
nothing to say huni apart from DO NOT FEEL GUILTY..you have done nothing.
lots of love
xxxx

HI Jess,

My goodness - you have had a hard time and by no means should you be blaming yourself. On top of everything else that you are going through at the moment you have done an awesome job to get this out.
I hope it has helped you !

Thinking of you !
Take care of yourself.
Think i might go and light a few candles now - i memory of all the angel babies !
Bless them all xxxoooo

Thanks so much ladies...

oh hun :hug: please let go of that guilt :hug: i hope getting this all out will help you heal. We are all here for you and your angels are watching over you giving you strength like you said you felt the other day.

Lots of healing vibes and hugs to you

Oh you poor girl. There is nothing i can say to make you feel better, i wish there was. I also wish that i could just wrap you up and give you a big cuddle like your mum should have!

I hope that sharing this helps you!

:hug: Jess, you have nothing to feel guilty about hun. I hope sharing the story of your angels has helped heal you a little. :hug:

Thanks everyone for your replies... i think getting it out really helps