No sex = IVF???

Im so fustrated and upset its hard to write! ha ha
Im 28 and my husband is 39, like all couples I suppose when we first met the sex was few times a week, then i suppose as you get more comfy it maybe is twice or once a week?? But in the 2.5 years we have been together it has only got further and further apart, he can go 2 weeks without I most certainly can't!
We have been TTC since nov 08, I have recently stated clomid. As you know you need to have sex around a certain time to get preggers! I have been knocked back two days in a row for BDing as he is 'tired'I feel like its me??? but i know deep down its not. I broke out in tears last night. he says its his problem 'chemical thing' he says :rolleyes:
And gets pretty angry when I get upset about it.
So what do I do? I am thinking of broaching the IVF discussion as there is no point me spending money on clomid and doctors if he isnt doing his part.
do I just give up and keep the peace or do i say something? has anyone else used IVF in this circumstance?

Hi Reggie,

Sorry to hear you are having troubles. I can understand how as time goes one the blush sort of wears off your sex life. I am sort of the other way around and would be happy with once a week, but DH is always keen for more and forever giving me a hard time. Part of my loss of libido is due to the stress of TTC, 1 1/2 years of IVF, and the endless meds, but I am trying.

I agree with you it would be frustrating if he is not willing to do his part with your clomid cycles. I don't know much about them, assuming you don't get a scan so you don't know when you are Oing? What would be the options of looking at timed intercourse or ovulation induction so you know exactly when you are ovulating, can warn him ahead of time, and it would only be one or two days that were absolutely necessary, anything else would be a bonus. Otherwise I think next option would be IUI, he would still have to produce the sample on a specific date, but this would aleviate some of the the whole timing issues. There would not be much difference in terms of his contribution between IUI and IVF, both he would have to produce a sample. Might be something to consider before going the whole hog to IVF.

Hope this helps some, again I am not the expert as I have only done IVF cycles. Best of luck and make sure you keep the communciation lines open with him. Hugs

Oh Reggie

I hear you! My DH is always too tired. We haven't DTD this year and I tried to remember when the last time was and I honestly don't know - probably mid last year sometime. It makes me sad and frustrated but I have stopped begging for it and I have stopped trying all manner of ploys and discussions to pursuade him.

We are now doing IVF but it is not because we don't DTD - it wouldn't work even fi we did. And he now uses that excuse too - the one that made me laugh (and want to cry) was that he was paying someone else a lot of money to get me pregnant so why should he 'interfere'!

If I were you I would lay it on the line. Get all the info that you can on IVF and the costs and tell him that if he doesn't perform then these are the consequences so in effect he should think of himself being paid every time he does the deed (I suspect that all boys secretly like the idea of being paid for their services :) )

Seriously though, you need to communicate to him - maybe try giving him more notice of when you think you will be needing him.

Please don't let youself get into the situation that I find myself in (it started exactly the way that you described yoru r'ship) because more than anything else it is sad. And now there is really no way out of my situation because I love him but our relationship has suffered because we aren't DTD but its been so long now that I don't really miss it anymore - but I do remember when I did - and that is when I shoudl have really done something about it. Now it just makes me sad.

Oh .. no-one can deny that TTC long term, can cause havoc to your libido and sex life.

Reggie: This senario may be option for you. My DH has to go away for work at short notice, and we are in the midst of IVF cycle's, we had his swimmers frozen @ the clinic, and with one ejaculation, thers is enough for 6 rounds of IVF .

For you, it may not be the most ideal solution, as I know you want him to be hands on, so to speak, it may illeviate problems short term, so you can use the samples, though you would need IUI, which is $900 a pop in Melbourne.

Have you spoken to him and showed him on paper how a woman's cycle works, men like facts, that may work.

Muppity: hugs to you sweets

Reggie,

Like the other girls have said, you need to talk to your DH about it and the importance of timing when trying to conceive. You need to take the pressure off it all, which I know is easier said than done.

If you dont need to do IVF, then I wouldnt suggest it. Assisted Conception is very emotionally and financially draining so would only go down that track if its absolutely necessary.

When my DP and I were trying naturally, he too was "tired" and felt VERY under pressure to "perform" when I told him to. Its very difficult for some men but I can tell you, trying to produce a sample for IVF is alot harder! My poor DP took HOURS for our first cycle and had to use viagra in the end. I felt so sorry for him!

Good luck and I hope all goes well :D

Tania

Reggie, I think it might be better to work on the relationship right now, there are things that need to be sorted out before a baby comes along.

I know where you are, I was there years ago. I realized that my relationship just would not survive the trials of IVF in the state it was in. If you feel like you are doing all the work now, imagine how hard it would be to do all those appts, drugs and invasive procedures without a supportive DH by your side.

You don't want to go through IVF because there is no sex in the relationship - PLEASE work on why there is no sex in the first place - granted TTC is hard, aside from that.

good luck xoxoxoxo

there is good advice here, and I would like to add also, that IVF is such a draining process, you really dont want to go there if you can avoid it. Our sex life isn't great right now either, and this whole LTTTC process and our losses are part of the reason, but we are trying hard to rebuild that part of our relationship. You need to really talk it all through with your DH. Good luck and all the best to you