Getting there but still need help

So continuing on from my last posts about Lily's behaviour...

She has finally stopped phycially abusing DH thankfully. But she is just so defiant and the back chatting and aggression is unbelieveable.

She says no to everything and won't do anything we ask of her. If we tell her not to do something she sticks her tounge out and makes a 'ner-ner' sound.

She thinks everything is funny and everything is a game to her. The more in trouble she is the more funnier she thinks it is. It takes me standing up and pulling her away from something she is doing wrong for her to stop and then she carries on like a pork chop as if i have injured her severely.

She throws things, even while i am driving she throws her shoes at me/DH.

She interups me and DH when we are talking and tells us to stop talking. She yells every time she talks. I swear i have no idea what her voice sounds liek anymore. Most of the time you can't understand what she is saying because she is yelling so much.

She has started swearing! I know this is our fault to begin with because we swear but just the fact she knows what they mean and how to use them is unbelieveable!

And the one that hurts the most is she has starting saying that she hates us and tells us to go away.

I just don't know how to respond to any of this. She's on a waiting list for a psychologist but the wait is long and i can't take much more of this.

She's not an Aries or a Taurus is she!? The defiant ends of the zodiac...

She sounds like a clever and possibly frustrated little girl!

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She says no to everything and won't do anything we ask of her. If we tell her not to do something she sticks her tounge out and makes a 'ner-ner' sound.

My DD says no to everything too, but she mainly DOES eventually do as asked. I tend to ask 3 times in total and the second time she gets told the consequence. I.e. pick that toy up please. No. Pick it up please DD or i will pick it up and put it in the bin. No. DD if you don't pick it up now i'm going to put it in the bin. Then she generally picks it up BUT i have had to put several things in the bin! Choose your battles - be prepared to negotiate and understand her perspectioves too. It might seem that dinner is ready NOW and she needs to come immediately to the table, but equally to her it is VERY VERY important that she finishes her jogsaw and trampling over that will alny bring a resentful uncooperative dinner-companion to the table. Try to give warnings in advance of things happening (i.e. "dinner in 10 minutes DD" then "Dinner in 5 minutes, can you finish up please" then "dinner in 2 minutes, put that all away now please" and finally "dinner is ready, wash your hands please!") so she doesn't feel like her activities and interests are worthless or irrelevant to everyone else (we all like our interests and efforts to be respected after all!).

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She thinks everything is funny and everything is a game to her. The more in trouble she is the more funnier she thinks it is. It takes me standing up and pulling her away from something she is doing wrong for her to stop and then she carries on like a pork chop as if i have injured her severely.

Laughing is often a release of anxiety. It's very possible the more angry you get the more she knows there's trouble coming and the moe she needs to release - the more she laughs. Which is why when you get to the point of having to grab her to get whatever it is done she becomes hysterical, because she was already walking that line when she was giggling at it all. Lots of people hide behind laughter in this way. DD does this sometimes too and i try to either laugh with her (if i am in FACT blowing something out of proportion) or ignore the laughing but as soon as i see it i cut to the end - no 3 chances while she laughs at me, one chance, if she laughs i skip to the end to diffuse it all.

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She throws things, even while i am driving she throws her shoes at me/DH.

That's very dangerous. My dad would have stood on the brakes if we did that and made us get out of the car and stand next to the road while he calmed down! You could start keeping whatever she threw. So if she throws a shoe you stop (i do think she needs to understand how dangerous it is and an emergency stop when i was 5 to highlight how much dad DIDN'T want his back kicked while he was driving certainly hammered that one home) and then don't give her it back. Let her walk with one shoe. She's old enough to learn consequences. People will look at you "oh that woman's child only has one shoe!" - so what? They don't have to have them chucked at their head!

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She interups me and DH when we are talking and tells us to stop talking. She yells every time she talks. I swear i have no idea what her voice sounds liek anymore. Most of the time you can't understand what she is saying because she is yelling so much.

It's so chaotic with a new baby in the house. Are you managing to sit down together as a family and talk/listen? She sounds like she has a very pressing urge to be heard. As irritating as it is to be yelled at and interrupted, and as tempting as it is to refuse to be spoken to in that way, for whatever reason she has decided that's the BEST chance she has of getting heard and listening to her and makng sure she FEELS listened to, might be the only way through. So can you have a meal time where everyone gets to speak while EVERYone else listens? Or set aside 10-20mins a day of one to one time with her to let her talk about her day? When DD interrupts (which she does often, but not in an angry way) i ask her to wait while i finish talking to DP and if she continues to interrupt i ask her to leave the room if she can't be at peace until it's her turn, but i ALWAYS make sure she gets that turn to talk, and if she's waited well without moaning or whining or shouting or having to go into another room then i let her have it sooner and for longer to encourage it for next time.

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She has started swearing! I know this is our fault to begin with because we swear but just the fact she knows what they mean and how to use them is unbelieveable!

Ignore it. The more horrified and angry you are the more she will do it because it's getting her a big reaction. When DD tells me to shut up (which i HATE) i murmur "what ugly words" and move on with what i was doing.

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And the one that hurts the most is she has starting saying that she hates us and tells us to go away.

I'm relatively confident that this is a developmental stage because almost every kid i know went through a phase at 3 or 4 of saying this. DD does it now. It IS hurtful, but try to hang on to the fact that she's a little little person still, just learning how powerful words can be. She means to hurt but cannot possibly comprehend that hurt fully, just as a curious child pulls the wings and legs off an insect because it cannot comprehend the enormity of a tortured agonised death. So try not to take it personally, just as you didn't take it personally when she cried as a newborn. When DD does it she's usually angry (sometimes bored though) and i lean close and say "i DON'T hate you and i WON'T go away because i love you DD even when you're hating me". I don't know what difference if any it makes, but it helps me to feel like i've turned it around into something postive.

I really feel for you hun, it's such hard work having one kid, i can't imagine how you're coping with 3!

Bx

Thanks for the advice it has helped put things into perspective. Although i do also give 3 warnings but they never work because when i say i'll throw it in the bin she says nah i'll put it in the bin and then does! She doesnt seem to care about that consequence.

But then if it's in the bin it's not on the floor, so you still win! I know it probably seems petty to see that as a victory but i try to keep perspective of what I REALLY want. If it matters so much to ME that i'll throw away a toy that she won't tidy away and then SHE throws it away, i don't care, it least it's tidy!

Have you tried asking her why she won't help out/co-operate/behave? I wonder what she'd give as her reason...?

Bx

Yeah i always askher why and she either says i don't want to or it's too hard. To which i say ok well i'll help you then but she just says no dont want to.