How do I deal with him?

Hi

My 14 year old has ran away from home on Tuesday, he has been spotted a few times on the train (people have let me know). He was caught wagging school on Tues (the school rang me to do a spot check, to advise us he wasn't there), and then we raang him, after giving us the run around (saying he was going to meet us in a couple of different places, he obviously wasn't there) he now won't answer the phone. We have no idea where he is staying. He came round to the house today and was sat outside with his friends, I pulled up in the car after been out shopping this morning, and he ran off again and refused to come back to his stepdad shouting that we just wanted to talk.
We went to the police on Tues but they said if we filed a missing persons report it would just go to the bottom of the pile.
I don't know whether to go back to the police or just wait and see if he comes home, what do the police normally do in this situation.
I am so stressed it is making me ill, we just lost our precious baby girl 4 weeks ago (she was born at 41 weeks and died after 2 days, story in BA thread). Managed to hold off PND after her death and now with him, I feel I am one step away from losing it completely.
Any advice or info on what the process with the police is, appreciated.

Oh Tracey, I'm sorry you are also having to deal with this right now. I don't have any advice but just wanted to give you some :hug: and let you know that I am thinking of you.

Oh Trace, you really don't need this XOXOXOXO

I'd be more inclined to call his friends parents, if you know them and put them on alert. Call the school and ask for a councellor to be made available.
It must be very hard for him to process the loss of Milana.
Did you explain the to the police about Milana? If they knew he just wasn't another rotten teen runaway late for dinner - but a child in severe pain they may be more compassionate.

Darling, I may be wrong but I get the feeling he may want to stay away from you so you don't see him cry. He may not want to upset you more. I dunno. The poor kid. Poor mummy.
xoxoxoxo

What a terrible situation.

I don't have teenage kids so can't offer advice from that perspective but do want to offer you big hugs. I know that wont necessarily help that much but others like me are thinking of you at the moment and I hope it does help to know you are with us in thought.

My brother ran away from home at 14. Our family was going through a major upheaval and major changes (the last recession!!) and in hindsight I would say it was because it was all too much for him to deal with. He lived on the streets for a bit but came home eventually. It was a very stressful time for us all (I am 18 months younger than him so I only remember it from a teenager's perspective) but I do remember being incredibly impressed by the way my mum and dad dealt with it. I think they let him be in a way. Let him know that they wanted him back, loved him and would be there when he was ready but they didn't push it. I think mum thought, I need to keep it together for the 3 other kids who need me. Anyway, he came home and grew to be a beautiful man (who has no memory of the trauma he put us all through :wall:)

Re: the cops, I think Lulu's advice is excellent as a plan of action. Plus, I have to wonder about the bottom of the pile thing. I have found on a number of occasions when I have wanted to place a police report that they say something to put me off. I usually stand my ground and get that report filed as is my right. It can't hurt. I hope that someone with Police experience can help with that one, but I would file a report if it was me.

Big :hug: for you, your family and your son. And, although I haven't read your thread about your girl, big big :hug:

Oh Tracey, you guys are having a horrible time.
I'm hoping he just needs a bit of time to come to terms with the things that have happened lately & will come home to you soon.
I'm sorry I have no advice. I hope he comes home before he gets into any trouble.
:hug:

Hi tracey,
I have just pm'd you.

Hi Tracey
Hows things going with this???

Tracey, Im glad you came in & posted about this. I hope you get some help.

Lulu, Tracey was having some issues before Milana passed away. I thought the same thing when she told me about the troubles she is having with her DS.
I agree though that it must be hard for him to process.

Tracey, I sure hope he can come home & talk with you guys soon. Take it easy & I am here if you need to talk.

xoxo Fiona

Does your area have a Community Police type program? I know in some areas they do. The police act like mentors to young kids sliding off the rails a bit, sometimes they have a place to hang out etc, or the police teach them to box or something.

You (or someone close if its a bit too much atm) need to call the council, his school etc and find out what teen programs are in the area and get them involved asap. My DD was very affected by my m/c and she was referred to school councellor, who then referred onto a local program (might have been related to anglicare, I can't think) that she stayed in contact with for years. They ran leadership and wilderness camps (NOT brat camp!) on school holidays, it was very good.

GL today, maybe if he calls arrange to meet him at Maccas for a burger, they usually can't resist....

Trace, I have no advice unfortunately. But I just wanted to stop by and say I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby, I have tears in my eyes for you. I am so sorry your having to deal with this right now, and you would think that he would understand that too. Hope it all works out and you can properly grieve for your baby. Best of luck xox

hi
thanks ladies for all the replys, he still hasn't turned up or rang.
We did have probs with him before the death of Milana, so I don't think her death has a huge bearing on the situation now.
He got in with the wrong crowd at his old school and was wagging classes and days off. We eventually pulledhim out of the school and all seemed to be going better at the new one, but we think he has met up with his old crowd again. I think he literally ran away because he got caught wagging, he only had one change of clothes with him (to change out of his school uniform), he must stink by now.
Been down the counsellor route with him before, but the problem is he is a bit of a liar and invents many a story, this has happened from the age of about 7 or so. He likes the attention.
Going to the police again today,

Tracey did you get my PM?
I might be able to help you out. I'm a youth worker and hae worked in your area and also have friends working in that area,

:

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Tracey did you get my PM?
I might be able to help you out. I'm a youth worker and hae worked in your area and also have friends working in that area,

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hi thanks pm'd you.

Tracey

HI Tracey,

Dont know if any of these suggestions are of any use to you, but gonna put them out there and you can give them a try if you think they may be appropriate - given that i dont know all the story.

*As he has been back to your place, maybe needs to still be around, but not if you know what i mean...
can you leave some clothes/hygiene supplies out somewhere for him that he can grab - you say he only has one set of clothes, its obvious that he is not ready to come home, but by extending this gesture he knows that you are thinking of him - make sure thou it is not sending the message - here are you clothes get out thou.
*speak to families and kids that he may see, make sure that they know that you dont want them to dob or turn him in (even though you do) but so the channels of communication are there, maybe they will give you a call and let you know that he is OK kwim
* dont keep calling, give him a bit of space, but let him know that you need to know that he is OK, maybe you could send him a text asking that he let you know that he is OK...maybe he could send you a text every few days, no location etc but just that he is OK.

I know that none of these things are getting him home, but they might in the long run. As i said i dont know the full history, but by giving him the space, but letting him know that you are still there - it may help get him back through the door sooner.

I am so sorry, no parent ever needs to go through this (i am ashamed that i put my parents through this breifly) and you REALLY dont need this now. Make sure that you get yourself some help too, are you seeing someone for PND and grief and loss? Make sure that you make time for this, you are so imprtant and you need to make sure that you are strong enough to get up every day and help your tribe.... :hug:

I hope that Jenjorga has some help for you

Oh Tracey, a huge hug for you luv. What a terrible time you must be having.

Have you gone back to the police yet?? If you haven't, when you do ask to speak to the seargeant. The grunts on the front desk will say anything to put you off but seeing as he is a minor they have a duty of care to look for him. Don't let them put you off again, that was so wrong.

Text him and let him know that you would like to meet him just to make sure he is ok and if he wants some more clothes. This way you see him (if he decides to show up) and see how he is doing. As suggested ask him to meet you at maccas or somewhere that he likes to eat so that he knows he doesn't have to come home with you if he is not ready.

Have you talked to anyone???? Don't wear yourself out so much that you can't function. It is not good for you or the rest of your family.

Take care luv, more big hugs

Kim

hi all

thanks ladies, he came home Friday, the police found him.
He ran off again yesterday, but we found hime again later in the day.
Now we have to try and encourage him to stay.
I am dreading all my other children turning into teenagers!!!

So glad to hear he's home!
Must be a huge relief for you guys.
FWIW - Out of all my friends I've never seen more than one troubled teen causing that much heartache for each family, so hopefully this is the worst of it & the rest will be perfect :)
Huge :hug: Look after yourself hunny.

Glad to hear that you have your DS home, i used to run away from my mum when i was a teengaer - i really was just a case of being a bit of a 'rebel' and also it didnt help who i was hanging around either.. NOTHING my mum said or did made me want to stay home... i know this isnt much help but i think its just a phase some of us go through unfortunatly for you it hasnt come at the best time.
i found the more my mum tried to disipline (sp?) me the more i would be naughty.. im not saying to let him do whatever he wants, let him do things to an extent like yes u can go do such and such but please be home by ?? time.
i dont know if that helps much but just giving you a point of view coz i was that young not so long ago ;)