Just need a shoulder to cry on

This is going to be more of a vent than a question so please just bare with me. Yesterday was me and DH 5 year wedding anniversary and should have been a wonderful day but instead I spent it feeling miserable and useless as to me its just a reminder that we have now been TTC for 5 years!!!

I just don't know where to pull any more positivity from these days. After 4 AI, 3 IVF stim cycles and 6 FETS - all BFN and am wondering if it is in fact time to listen to my body and call it a day. There is no doubt that DH and I have pretty much had our lives on hold for the last 5 years. Every decision we make about anything is always based on
"what if i fall pregnant" or "lets wait and see if i am pregnant" We are scared to book holidays, scared to spend money, scared to make any real long term plans about anything. I just want a life back.

Fortunately our relationship is so strong and i know how lucky i am to have such a supportive DH but I can see why some relationships could end because of infertility.

Thanks for listening and if anyone has gone through similar thoughts I would love to hear from you.

I just wanted to say that I'm listening to you. I don't have anything to add or suggest but I feel the anguish coming through your post. Please try to be gentle to yourself. Take care.

:hug:

Mollygirl1977 I could almost have written your post myself. I feel so much like you do. My life has been on hold for 4+ years and some days I am so angry about that. Like you I have a fantastic relationship with DH and that is the only thing that keeps me going, but sometimes I am so scared that if it's just me and him will it be enough?? - i feel like i should be happy with what i have but I'm not.

I often think about calling it a day and I am struggling to find any positivity. It's starting to get where I can barely even imagine us having children anymore. But somewhere inside me a little bit of hope keeps nudging me on, it's not there often but it's enough to keep me going for now. I also don't know what i'd do if I wasnt TTC.....

Have you considered talking to a counsellor/psych? I'm thinking about it. It feels impossible but maybe you need to work out ways get your life back and maybe a counsellor can help with this? I'm sure it's completely normal to feel like we do. Maybe some of the ladies on here can give us ideas on how they keep going?

Huge hugs to you - you are not alone in feeling like you do. I feel the same. I will be thinking about you and wishing for your BFP as much as my own.

Do something nice for yourself today x

Mollygirl,

Sending a big :hug:

Have you considered putting TTC perhaps on hold for a year or two - it's such a hard place to be in putting you under constant stress so a break might help. At your age you would have the oportunity to go back to it if you want to after a break. You could even do another stimuated cycle now and put your embies on ice and then have a break with the knowledge that you can come back to them whenever you want to. Wishing you :goodluck: on your journey.

Sara

Firstly happy anniversary. 5 years is a big effort, and Im sure there are many more to come :)

I totally get the feeling of having put your life on hold. I would definitely suggest going to speak to a counsellor, just to give you the opportunity to get all your thoughts out and find out what you really want to do.

Thanks ladies for your support and advice.

To be honest I have seen 2 councillors at both of the IVF clinics I have been to and really felt like i did not get anything out of it.I have good days and bad days just like i am sure you all do but its just so difficult to make the decision about when enough is enough.

I don't really want to take another break (we took 10 months off last year) as although I am technically still young, DH is 3 years away from 40 and he has decided that 40 is his cut off. And i totally respect that and can understand why he feels that way.

I have 2 frozen blasties that we will use shortly but I have started seeing an acupunturist and herbal guy and he is treating me for some other health issues that he believes is directly linked to implantation problems and he wants me to give him 6 months to "fix" me. So there is so much swimming around my little head and just don't know which way to go.

Aaaahhhhh!!!!! The frustration of it all. Thank god you ladies totally understand where i am coming from.

babe my ap is in indro but many of us bb gals credit our bubs to him beau mannox is his name he is really good with ivf

Hi Mollygirl

I can totally relate and hear you. DH and I are coming up to our third wedding anniversary, I know this isn't as long as you, but it is a constant reminder of how long we have been trying too. It is incredibly frustrating especially when others around you that you know have not been TTC anywhere near as long seemingly fall pregnant over night. It just does not seem fair. I think I must have been sadly mistaken when I thought we were going to get pregnant in the first couple of months after getting married.

We started on our first round of IVF earlier this year but the first cycle was cancelled so am waiting for the next one to come around now which seems to take forever. I just had my 34th birthday and DH is 38 (not far off 40), so we are both really scared that our age is getting away on us. The thing that keeps me going is just looking at all the pretty things out there for babies these days and imaging setting up the nursery and all that stuff. It might sound a bit materialistic, but it is whatever works as a pick me up!

As hard as it may be sometimes hang in there - there are lots of positive stories out there of people having a baby after years of trying so I'm sure your turn will come around. Please don't think you are alone...we're all hear to support one another.

Mollygirl- I am not in the same boat as you but wanted to say I am sorry it is so hard. And even though I have not been TTC for that amount of time, I can relate to that feeling of having your life on hold, or that awful limbo, and postponing plans and the whole "what if" thing. I was talking to a friend last night who has been TTC for 5 years and has finally turned to IVF and she was saying just how hard that has been over an extended period of time.
Congratulations on 5 years! I am glad your DH is so supportive.
As for the next step- do you think you can handle waiting while you see the natural therapist/acupuncture etc..so put things off for 6 months or so, or do you think the waiting itself will make you more anxious?
Have you had all tests done for possible implantation problems? I know there was a thread recently about tests for implantation problems.
It's hard for me at this stage to imagine not trying for a child...I just cant imagine not having a baby. I am not sure therefore when/if I would say "enough is enough".
I wish you luck and really hope your turn comes very soon.
Also, are there ways you and DH can plan nice things/trips while also TTC..so that life can have more joy again. Maybe plan in small blocks of time.