I'd like your perspective..

Okay so DD is fully TT. Has been for awhile.... she went backwards a month or so ago when we moved house but has been good as gold since.

Here what id like your opinion/perspective on.

Yesterday DF, Myself and both our kids were at a park.

DD came up and said she needed to go to the toilet, we told her there wasnt one around so if she wanted to really go then we would leave, go do what we had to do (had to go to shopping center where there was a toilet).. and then after we had finished what we had to do, if it wasnt raining we would come back to the park to finish her play.

She said no its ok she will wait.

She came back again about 10 minutes later and said she was busting, so i said ok lets go then. I called DF and DS over and made moves to the car.. she promptly ran off saying no mum its fine..

I yelled after her yet she had tunred on her selective hearing ears, and was doing a brilliant job at ignoring me. So DF joined in, yelling out for her. Then just as i said to him we have to just go and grab her as i was worried she would just wee in her pants, we noticed it was too late. While running around playing with other kids, she did her wee's in her pants...

We were both so angry. Angry and frustrated.

DF instantly went to her, grabbed her hand and led her to the car. And put her into the car as she was.

Now although i was angry and frustrated by what she did, i also didnt and dont approve of how he reacts and treats her when this happens. (as she was doing this earlier in the year)

Anyhow, we had a few words as i was just so upset at how he handled it.

I got her out of her seat, and took the wet clothes off... found some clean ones. I was stern with her, telling her i was dissapointed that she didnt wait to use the toilet and that we would of brought her back etc etc.... but i also was trying to be, loving too. I dont know.

Anyway, we went to the shops and because all i could find in the car (as i had left the house without a change of clothes that morning for them), was a fresh pair of knickers from her kindy bag, i told her that she may not be able to go into the shops with us now. DF jumped on that bagwagon and said "yep, you wont be going shopping now, you can stay in the car with daddy". Obviously this upset her, as she LOVES going shopping with me.... and as it was i wasnt 100% sure that making her stay in the car - or simply punishing her any further - was indeed the right way to handle it. So i quietly said to him, i wil buy her some pants and she can come in. He rolled his eyes.

SO by chance i had a pair in the car, so she came shopping with us.

Anyway, DF and i were talking about it later, and her believes i am too soft on her. He wanted to leave her in the wet clothes. And have her stay in the car.

I just couldnt see punishing her for this, was the right thing.... but yet with DF syaing i am to easy on her, has me wondering.

Really, whenever we butt heads with the parenting side of things, its because i find some way inwhich we had fault in 'why' or 'how' the kids have misbehaved or done something we didnt want them to do.

i.e she asked the first time, i should have just taken her to a tree, OR picked her up and taken her out. Although, i did think she had the chance too... so i guess i am torn.

Anyway i am just trying to assess, if the way inwhich DF handled and wanted to handle what happened was infact a better way than i.

I mean it frustrates me that she made the choice in her mind, to wee in her pants, than leave the park with the possibility to come back another time that day. But, she is 4. FOUR! So, do we expect to much from her is what i think. I know DF does and he sometime punish's her as if she was older.....

what you reckon????????

I am completely with you on this. Weeing her pants wouldn't have been a deliberate act of naughtiness, more just trying to hold on too long. It is annoying and frustrating but humilition and punishment aren't going to stop it from happening again. DH will sometimes overreact to things like this too, although at least when I calm him down and talk to him about it he realises that reacting in that manner does not help anything and can actually make the situation worse - she may be less likely to tell you if she does have an accident in the future.
At 4 yrs old it is common for kids to have accidents because they try to put it off so long - that is why you are supposed to send them to preschool with a spare set of clothes. And if it happens at preschool the teachers are discrete about it so as not to humiliate the child, I can guarentee you they are already embarrassed.

Hey Misty,

Yeah DF s much the same, once we talk about it 'after the fact' he comes around and agree's. But its his initial reaction then punishment, which means in my eyes the damage has been done. I am seeing almost a wedge come between them as he can be SO very hard on her and it breaks my heart.

I just wish it didnt have to come the point where we have to talk about it after, and i bring him around to seeing i guess my way. It has lead/ me to now, that i am seond guessing if i am too light or so on...

Thanks for your reply...

i think by giving her the choice of wee or play... she automatically chose play any child would.
DF i think was a bit harsh as you originally gave her the choice.. and its only wee. at this age it is still fairly common for them to have accidents.

but now it is done he has to try and remember it when it happens again.. not to automatically get agro over a little spilt wee.. hehe

For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing with your DD. You are trying to teach her that she has the right to make decisions over her own body and when she goes to the toilet. She may not have made a decision that was the best or that worked, but she did learn that if she leaves going to the toilet for too long she just can't hold on forever and the will have an accident.

I think the embarrassment of wetting her pants and the discomfort of being wet in the first place is more than enough of a lesson for her - as it seems you do - and I do think there is no point in taking the lesson any further.

Stick to your guns with your parenting and explain yourself calmly to your DF when the opportunity arises. I think you are on the right track and are definitely not being soft! If you keep at it, I think your DF will see where you are coming from... I am doing the same with my DH :rolleyes:. Poor man grew up in a very totalitarian household and doesn't manage our DD in the most appropriate ways some times.

I am glad that things worked out in the end and your DD got clean, dry clothes. ;)

I think you did the right thing. Punishment and negative associations with toilet habits is a no no for me as it can lead to them hanging on too long and all sorts of baldder and urinary tract issues. At that age the emabrrassment of having done it is usually enough of a punishment.

When DD needs to go and we are at the park she has the choice to leave or wee on the grass - she generally wees on the grass :lol: The desire to play is always going to override the toilet.

I am kind of in the middle here. An accident will happen yes - and there is no need to go right off or make them sit in wet pants if you can help it, but I probably would have stuck to leaving her in the car simply because actions have consequences.

I think it is important to teach my kids that every decision they make will have an end result - and they won't necessarily be happy with it. She was already given the choice between playing or going to the shopping centre. I would explain that this is why we have to think our choices through before we make them.

I probably sound like a harsh mum now, but I am not always going to be there to 'change their pants' as it were, so one day they will make a decision they have to wear, sadly a lot sooner than we'd like. I can't fix first day of kindergarten mistakes.

I agree with how you handled it. As Dr Phil says: 'shame never equals change'
:hug:

I think that it was not right for her to stay in her wet pants. Treat her as you would an adult (obviously make it age appropriate) but at her age she would understand. Telling her you're disappointed is great.Staying in wet pants is not something you would do to anyone else! But in saying that it seems she was aware to some degree of what would happen eventually, ie she would wet her pants if she waited for too long. Yes in part it is the adults responsibility to prevent such accidents (you or DP should probably have just taken her to the toilet the first time she asked) but she has to be held responsible to some extent too. At 4 she would have an awareness of actions and consequences. So maybe not going into the shops might have been fitting, because she wet her pants, she can't go in with no pants on. And I don't think you should have brought her new pants. That's a consequence to her actions. She decided to ignore you and not go for a wee even though you explained what would happen (go to shops, wee, shop, come back to park) I think that's reasonable.

I am with Inertia on this one, I think children need to learn that their actions have results even at this age. I think men do react harshly at first and are probably often harder than we would be hence mum often appearing "softer". My DH says I am too soft too.