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I'm doing a poll for an article I am writing, and I am wondering which of these things would result in you wanting to have sex more often. If you could pick the biggest one for you, and if its several things, please do comment and let me know which other things you feel tune you out.
Sleep is the biggest thing for me but I think for me, I feel so unsexy after having a baby. I'm all stretched and saggy, I'm bigger, I'm tired so haior and makeup is minimal if done at all. PJs and trackies are the norm. It makes a huge difference when hubby makes me feel sexy. When he kisses me in "that way", when he touches me as he passes. If I feel like he thinks I'm sexy I start to feel it myself.
Time away from the kids would help. If I got one decent nights sleep... I'm sure a morning with having to worry about them would bring on some fun times.
I voted for more alone time, but really that translates to time where no one touches me. Between co-sleeping, breastfeeding, being a pillow, a cuddle bear, and everything else, I crave that time where no one touches me. After a week of the girls been more needy than normal I hoestly feel like I have been violated. And then by the time dh is making his moves on me, I cringe because its another invasion of my privacy.
I'm totally with you beansbeans and I only have one BFing DD and one horny DH, lol
Sleep.
Hands down, 100%, sleep.
Easily, sleep. If I'm going to bed for anything, it's sleep! I also get distracted easily by the housework, so if I'm not sleeping when baby is I'm cleaning the house, but DH sees baby nap times as our sexy times. The one about more touch and affection from DH - it's the opposite for me. I have a baby/toddler on me all day, DH constantly throws in touches the entire day that frankly get quite annoying, and I just want to be left alone for a bit before I'm ready to be touched at all.
So, I need to be fully rested, in a clean house, with no one touching me lol.
Sleeeeeeeeeeeep!
Sleep
Time doing my stuff (sewing or studying) without having to juggle kids at same time
More Alone time
First time around was different, i was dealing with effects of being assaulted during the birth, and so none of the above would have made a difference. I needed to feel absolutely no pressure, and reclaim/assert ownership of my body and feel good myself before i was able to share myself (with anybody but baby).
Alot more alone time and better self esteem
Sleep is No 1 for me. I'm shattered at the end of the day after dealing with 3 very active children and doing housework, cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, washing, ironing etc that by the time it's bedtime it's sleep for me.
I would also feel more receptive to Dh is he realised that I work hard everyday and that it is 24/7 no break from the kids, he has the advantage of going to work and then comes home to dinner on the table, the house in order and little to worry about but play with the kids. He keeps telling me he would swap as I have it easy compared to what he has to deal with everyday at work - so a bit more appreciation wouldn't go unrewarded IYKWIM.
Also time on my own - I don't count grocery shopping as alone time - not having to think about what I would come home to would be great as well. If I do happen to do something for myself I walk in the door and the house is like a bomb has exploded with food and mess everywhere which Dh knows I can't stand. Really if I can manage to keep the house tidy each and everyday, how hard is it to tidy after the kids have trashed a room and then gone off to destroy another room.
I voted sleep.
But I'm really not sure it was my top answer. I would appreciate having to do less (so more help) which would lead to more sleep. I would appreciate more alone time so I could go to the gym and improve my self-esteem and energy levels. And some of it is simply that if he stopped the horny attitude maybe i would be more interested but when the attitude is sex-oriented rather than affection-oriented it honestly put me off straight away.
I am also struggling with needing my own time and space to make the decision and think that is to do with birth crap too.
Beansbeans post really resonates with me also.
I said more affection and touch.......he seems to have transfered that to our LO....not that I mind but I'd like some too.
I would also feel more "in the mood" if he recognised that being home all day and running my small business as well as keeping house and farm together and looking after LO is equal or more hard work than a full time job.
I would be a lot more "encouraging" to advances if I had the same number of hours a week to dedicate to my hobby as he dedicates to his hobby..........it seems my work on the week-end is the same as his "playtime" on the week-end........
Can't really answer one. For me it is understanding, the rest kind of flows on from there. Understanding that I am tired, touched out, overwhelmed by housework etc I suppose acknowledgement of what life is like at that point in time.
Ok, I'll admit it. If my hubby looked a bit more like Will Smith I'd jump him more often ;)
Time together without worrying about the house, work, or the girls.
Also, pg is working for me. ;) Before this pg, contraception and (trying and clearly failing) timing kinda made it a bit less spontaneous.
I guess time alone, followed by coming home to a tidy house with chores done, would also rate.
Sleep, more help around the house, then some alone time, sounds like a winner to me.
I'm with beansbeans and mylitta. I feel touched out. I also have a hubby who spends minimal time physically with the kids. So he isn't touched out at all. And I also struggle with both he and I nt looking great atm. We have both put on weight and I love him to pieces, but don't feel as attracted to him as before.
I voted More time with girlfriends / own passions or hobbies but it wouldn't be time with girlfriends it would be own hobbies because they also tend to give me alone time. I thought about sleep because definitely lacking sleep post baby - but actually thinking about it I don't find lack of sleep a hindrance to sex because I find sex helps to wind down and get some good sleep - so is extremely rare that I would feel too tired because I know I always sleep better after.
Is there an option for "all of the above"? The only one that doesnt apply to me is more attention/ touch. They are all equally important to me too so m not sure I could choose just one...
I think hormones is the biggest factor for me. After both pregnancies I have had no libido until my period returns. I voted for sleep though as that seems to be the second biggest factor. Sometimes I will desperately want to have sex with my husband as a way of being close to him and demonstrate my affection but I can't even bring myself to touch him because I'm so dog-tired I just want to roll over and sleep.
I voted 'more quality/talking time with your partner' but thinking about it that is probably because I already got a lot of support and understanding in the way of sleep, having alone time, housework and my role. I think lots of different things are important in fostering a return to a healthy sex life, but particularly worth noting for me is the difficulty in going straight from mum stuff to partner stuff so having time with DP to unwind, chat/debrief and hang out no pressure helps me to switch gears so to speak.
Just more on what meow was saying - yes hormones while breastfeeding can kill your libido: Libido and Breastfeeding - Whats Happened To My Sex Drive Now I Am Breastfeeding?
I am writing an article which will mention that, but also tying in all the common complaints women have about their men wanting sex and not understanding why.
Lots of great responses here, thank you :) Please do share as much as you feel comfortable, appreciate the contributions!
I think for me it's more difficult where he doesn't understand that there is no libido!
I can be 'coaxed' into being interested in sex if I am well-slept, the house is clean, not exhausted, kids not on my nerves, had alone time etc... all of those factors are sure to weigh in on whether or not I 'go through with it', if that makes sense.
I am blessed with a husband who is understanding and respectful of my desires (or lack thereof) and does not push the issue, allowing me the time and space to want it (and this is a lot to do with sexual assualt and trauma in the past).
However, when all of the factors above are good and well, and I still don't want it - well that I can't explain and that he can't understand... breastfeeding, depression, implanon ... who knows. Look forward to the article though
i think that the normalness of low libido needs to be better accepted...hormonal issues (which can lead to PND)...things like getting more exercise, help to make sure everyone is eating and sleeping well, and overall health being considered helps increase libido...then the issue becomes about creating opportunity for closeness. So I can't pick one thing from the poll.
I think communication is key. Having a partner willing and able to talk about, understand and accept mismatched libidos. Working out a solution together so that both partners feel loved, supported and fufilled. It is not about sex - that might be a bandaid for a day, a week...a month...but without communication it will be cyclic frustration.
I could just need more sleep though.
Got that covered in the article already ;) It's close to being published, just wanted to add comments and percents to back it up ;)
I think so many problems could be solved with more sleep :D
I can't see the poll on my phone but I had a significant loss of libido after DD was born which pretty much lasted until I got my cycles back at 10 months (I'm breastfeeding) so for me I think hormones had a lot to do with it.
That said couple time away from baby is always good for us in terms of reconnecting, that would be my main thing.
Sleep or lack thereof has never been an issue for me.
Nothing! After a day with a baby (or even a 2yo & 4yo!), I DO NOT want to be touched in any way whatsoever.
Less hormones! When I'm breastfeeding and not ovulating I am just not interested.
I think after mine, sleep, followed by more help around the house were the biggest things.
More understanding & attention from your partner to bring back self confidence, & time to yourself/with girlfriends & to just do the things you love are big too.
I've now pretty much been 18 months without, so if someone looked at me the right way I'd probably be good to go! :rofl:
But self confidence is a huge thing here & a big reason (ok, probably the only reason) I've been 18 months without...
I'm very much in the over-touched boat. And DH touches me in a horny way all day. It drives me batty and has the opposite effect that he wants. It puts me off.
Can you let him know, phebee?
Its hormones for me too, can't be bothered and my orgasm has left the building.
Coupled with the knowledge that it is still a bit sore arouind my epis site when we do it and the fact I go to bed at 8.30 and DD not napping at all during the day, its just not happening.
DH is good though, he isn't hassling me at all.
Nice to know libido comes back when your period does though, I didn't know that.
easy choice here, I said 'more alone time' but when I say that I mean alone time with dh. we are both in the mood and keen for it 90% of the time but can never sneak away just us two long enough to do it!!
I reckon you'd appreciate The Quickie Window!:
ETA: Never mind, just realised that link is a bit commercial with the sponsors. You can probably search it though :)
lol, yep, that is exactly it! =):
I've spent ages on this article, there is so much I want to cover and its really long already, but I dont want to leave anything out either. I'd love some feedback from those of you who have contributed if you like - I can make some amendments and then put it out there :)
Why Doesn't She Want To Have Sex With Me After The Baby?
What do you think?
Mine hasn't despite period being back :( still on the mini pill though:
Yep- it would be the pill I'd say. I had been on the pill my entire adult life until after having my first baby. Once my period came back and my libido came with it I lamented all those years of lost libido I had on the pill. I'd never take it again.:
I don't have a choice cause I have a very strict low protein diet, which has to be even stricter for pregnancy. No accidents allowed.