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I have a 9 month old beautiful boy and I was discussing with my best firend when best to have second. she thinks she wants to wait about 3 years because she wants to enjoy her time with first child..
As much as I love my time with Tariq I am starting to get the itch for another (maybe within a year)..
I just wondered what others thought or experienced the best age gap is.
I can imagine it will be very different and challanging having a second child. Love to hear your thoughts!:lol:
We're going to start trying around October/November for #2.. so Jesse will be around 2 (hopefully) when its born. We just dont want too big of an age gap. No reason really. I really want another but at the same time want to spend time with Jess too.. and want him to have some independance first.
My sisters kids are all 3 years apart and she said that its a great gap for them.. i think its just whenever youre ready.
My sisters and I have two years between us, as in younger sis is 25, I'm 27, next is 29 and oldests is 31 this year. We worked out great!
I'll be wanting around 18 months between each bubs so Caty gets used to a sibling before she's old enough to know any better!
One thing I do know is that it is a very personal choice kwim? We were happy with the gap we have, 20mths between the first three and there will be just over 3 years between 3 and 4, which suits us fine and when Paige was nearly 1 there was no way I was ready to have another one, which is why we waited. I suppose it depends on how close you are to siblings and what sort of relationship you have with them because of that age gap too - so it is what you are used to you know? Also, having then when we did worked for us, but I know other people who had them close and then wished they'd waited because they just felt so rushed all the time.
I can totally understand people wanting to spend more time with the child/ren that they already have though. If you are seriously thinking about having another one, then maybe you are ready?
My age gaps are far from normal but i have loved them as I really enjoy each baby! The 2 older ones whilst a long way apart are good friends most of the time too. Realistically from watching friends I think 3 years seems a very good gap but its such an individual choice and I think everyone likes what they have best.
I forgot to say... my sister, my brother and me are all 4 years apart, which i think is too far (personally).. as when i started to get old enough to become good friends with my sister, she was moving out and getting married. We've only just started to get our semi closeness back now that i have Jesse and she has 3 kids.. but thats more on the view of the child rather than the parents coping.
Hmmmm...I think it all depends on your family. After being so horribly ill whilst pregnant, I swore black'n'blue that I was waiting until Maddy was at least 3 before thinking about TTC no.2. I just couldn't imagine having a toddler and being so ill again. Meanwhile, we're now talking about trying around the middle of this year.
I have a sister and three brothers. There is 2 years between my brother & I, 3 years to my sister & I, and then 4 years from my sister to my twin brothers. My brother & I got on really well as children, whereas my sister was just that bit 'too' young if that makes sense? We get on fabulously now, but hated each other growing up. When I look back at it now, I think had she been 2 years younger than we might just have gotten on a little better.
We are hoping to have #2 ASAP. DH made the interesting point about people wanting to spend time with the 1st and giving that as a reason to delay having a 2nd. In his view that means that you are kind of accepting that every kid but the 1st somehow will "miss out", because after #1 there will always be competition (he is the 2nd of 4, BTW)
Not intended as a criticism of those who have this reasoning, just an interesting point....
I have 20 months age gap between my girls, i love this age gap, Madison was at the stage where she could entertain her self for a little while, while i was feeding etc.... i hope they are going to be great friends.
However if we have another one ( which i think we will) there will be nearly a 3 year gap, between 2 and 3.
This is a personal question isn't it>? - but it makes sense to ask as I was asking exactly the same time as you. We started trying at 9 months because we wanted to have children before we got too much older (i am 29 and DH is 33) - THis may not seem old but I look at DH's parents now and they are extremely old grandparents whilst mine seem to be years younger (they are but my grandparents seem younger than DH's parents = IYKWIM?)
We had to consider age, work, money etc etc etc.
Good luck
I think the 'best' age gap is different for everyone :)
IF we go ahead and TTC this year, there will be at least a 3.5yr age gap between Aidyn and #2. I am happy with that because I know I would not have coped too well if Aidyn had been any younger when having a second baby. However I certainly admire the parents that manage fine with having their kids very close together.
I really wouldnt want there to be much more than 4 years between my two kids though, so I will have to make a decision very soon in that case!
Interesting point Rory, however in my case, if you are only planning on having 2, then #2 wont miss out as much, because there will be no newborn/infant #3, which is what takes up a lot of time and energy...:
We are hoping to have #2 ASAP. DH made the interesting point about people wanting to spend time with the 1st and giving that as a reason to delay having a 2nd. In his view that means that you are kind of accepting that every kid but the 1st somehow will "miss out", because after #1 there will always be competition (he is the 2nd of 4, BTW)
And I think by waiting longer (until #1 is older) to have #2 ensures that #2 will be able to recieve a bit more attention than I would be able to give if #1 was still quite young as well?
Did that make sense LOL?
I guess as mothers we can only give you advice on what our age gaps actually are between our children and how that has/has not worked for us. A lot of things need to be taken into consideration:
Finances/Study
Health (especially yours i.e 3 month pre concenption plan)
House - is there enuf room?
Children you already have....
I know for us, my Dh wanted to have his course (firefighting) completed BEFORE #2 arrived. That meant we had to wait a little longer (longer for me). DD#1 was 20 months when we conceived #2. So a 29 month age gap is what is b/w our two girls. Ideally i would have loved a closer one, but thats all in the past now, look at what i have to show for it......
Im sure lots of couples contemplating having another child goe thru this discussion (in some way or another LOL), i too think if your thinking about it, maybe start discussing the impact of another baby in your lives........and start baby making !!
Ambah, yeah - if there are two that makes alot of sense. A GF has a 4yo and a newborn - it is good because older one is able to help, at kinder, starting school next year, etc.
We want 3 and I will be 33 this year (DH will be 34) so the clock is ticking for us LOL!!!
I also think there's no "right" answer to this question and it's a matter of personal preference.
Our experience? We have 23 months between our two - DS has arrived smack bang in time for the worst of DD's "terrible two" phase. So it hasn't been easy. In fact some days have been downright horrible.
But after nearly 4 months we're starting to find our groove and things are improving and getting much easier (thank goodness).
There is the same age gap between my brother and myself and we are really close so I'm hoping for the same for my two as well - DD is really besotted with her little brother and that part is just lovely to watch :D
I agree that it is a personal thing and there is no right answer.
I have 19 months between the boys (Would have been 20 but Tom couldn't wait to meet his brother LOL!!). I love having them close as they get along so well, and the feedback I get from others is that it usually stays that way. If I have another it will be close too. Jack wasn't old enough to experience jealousy, he has been too busy loving his brother! But got to warn you, while I love it and wouldn't change a thing, and I'm sure the boys aren't missing out on anything, life is pretty busy around here!
One other thing to consider too, I like the idea of doing the "baby thing" in one hit. I think it would be really hard to have the older one out of nappies and sleeping through and quite independent and then have to start all over again with another one (again, this is a personal thing). I would rather get through that stage and move on IYKWIM? I'm already doing nappies for one, so it's not a shock to be doing it for another etc. Anyway, just a thought.
It's such a personal decision isn't it. DH and I always agreed to have about 4-5years between ours if we were going to have a second and so far I am really happy with itbut I didn't have any baby craving until just before we started ttc for this one.
I really love how DS is looking forward to this pg and baby, he is looking forward to being a big brother. Also we don't have to worry about rushing through carseat to booster or buying two carseats and DS is independant and happy to help with things.
At times I wished we had them closer together when you hear about siblings that play and share together as DS is very much an only child and I sometimes feel guilty that he doesn't have a playmate but I really couldn't have coped with any closer together and now that he is older we have school friends over to play so it works out well.
We have about 16 months between our boys. it was really, really hard in the beginning, much more than I anticipated and I thought I'd made a huge mistake but now they're becoming best friends and it's absolutely adorable. Imran is at an age where he gets a bit of seperation anxiety and he often has a bit of a sook when Yasin leaves but when he comes back he's all giggles. They already play goofy games with each other and have 'conversations' . So.... even though the first few months were really tough I don't regret it now I see how close they are.
That's my own experience but everyone is differant and i can see that there would also be advantages to a larger gap.
The way I see it Imran will get his one on one time with us when Yasin starts school so he won't miss out so mauch as have a differant experience.
I agree with Neverplan. I don't think they miss out anything. There is still plenty of opportunity for one on one time with each of them. And yes sure, Tom probably gets less one on one time with me than Jack did. But Jack didn't have a big brother doting on him. And I know Tom loves it, he lights up whenever Jack is around. Often he stops crying just because Jack is there.
The one area where I think Tom sometimes does miss out, is that Jack has lots of activites, so often we have to go out when Tom is asleep or due for a sleep. So sometimes his naps are late, sometimes they are in the car, and often they are in the sling while we are out. Sometimes this makes him a bit unsettled, but mostly he is ok. And in truth, Jack probably also had this happen a bit anyway as I still had things to do, and also he was my first so I was less good at noticing tired cues.
wow, thanks so much for everyones honest answers and opinions, you have all helped me out so much!! When DS was born we swore we would never put ourselves through all that again, then at 6 months we started trying for another one, last month i started stressing out heaps about how i would cope with pg/new baby and Archie so I told DH i wasn't ready and i bought the pill. Two days ago i thought maybe i was just being silly and i should stop taking the pill and just get another baby 'over and done with'. after reading all of your situations and opinions, i have decided that a bigger age gap is right for me. DH feels that he is getting too old for babies (he is only 30) so i hope he will let me have a couple more years. i can't wait to do it all again, but for the sake of my sanity and our finances (or lack of) we will definately be waiting a while.
Thanks again everyone you have all helped me make a big decision
What a great thread, we are oging htrough this exact thing at the moment, I just keep flip flopping. I would like to have a another baby before July 2008 because I only want my babies to be 2 years apart at school (just a personal thing, no real rhyme or reason as too why) but I can't decide whether we should start trying so we have a baby early 2008 or wait a little longer and have it towards the middle of the year- meaning we will have somewhere between 19 months and 2 years between our 2. My main aim before I have another baby is to get myself really healthy, loose some weight and hopefully feel a lot better in myself during my pregnancy.
Ali - i think 2 years is a great gap too for the kids sake, but like you i really want to get a whole lot fitter and healthy. I didn't enjoy being pregnant with Archie due mainly to lack of finances. i wnat to be able to wear clothes that make me feel gorgeous next pregnancy and i want to be able to have a better go at breast feeding, i think with the exhaustion of a new baby and small toddler breast feeding wouldn't be as much of a success as i would like.
do you absolutely not want a bigger gap than 2 years? Im guessing you got pg with tori quite quickly, if you really don't want a biger age gap maybe starting to ttc now wouldn't be such a bad idea in case it takes a few goes????
Anyway whatever you decide, goodluck im sure Tori will love her new baby no matter what the age gap
Neverplan- They have changed school enrolments over her in the past 5 or so year so that a child starts the year they turn 4 unless their birthday is after june 30 and then they start the year they turn 5. I guess being a school teacher I find it confussing have some kids in year 1 who are 6 and some who are 7.
Widdly- It took me exactley 3 days to get pregnant with Tori, hence the reason we are not going to start trying until we are absolutley ready. I know that it doesnt necissarily mean that it will happen this time, but Iwould hate to start trying before I was ready and get pregnant.
I guess the other thing for me with the age gap thing is there is 2.5 years between my brother and I and we have never been particularly close, we get along OK now, but when we were growing up we didnt have much in common. Where as with DH there is 16 mnths between him and his sis and then 20mnth between her and his youngest brother and they are all really close, and grew up doing heaps of stuff together, and i would like that for my kids too.
I think sometimes closeness between siblings can be based on personality not just age gap, DH is 13 months younger than his sister and had a lot of trouble growing up as she bullied him and completely dominated him. When he started school after a few weeks the school had to insist they be in different areas at breaks because his sister spoke for him and he followed her around and didn't make any friends of his own. They are not particularly close now and never speak on the phone or anything. On the other hand my brother is 4 years younger than me and we have always been close, even more so as adults, we are very good friends and we will call each other regularly. I know I am biased towards longer gaps (maybe not as radical as mine LOL) but its worth thinking about.
I agree that friendships between siblings has alot to do with personalities as well as age gaps, but I think that you are going to get that in siblings anyway despite the age gap. I guess that is why it comes back to the whole what ever is right for each family. There are pro's and con's to both.
I agree that it is about personality too, but age gap can be a factor. There is 6.5 years between my youngest sister and I (there is one in the middle, 3 years younger than me). We never had anything in common growing up as I was in grade 6 when she was in prep. We weren't at high school at the same time at all. We were at such different stages. We get along well now (although she is overseas so we rarely see each other) but as kids we loved each other, but didn't really play together or anything. I guess that's something to consider, that it's not just the gap between any two siblings, but also the gap between oldest and youngest.
Unfortunately this decision is sometimes taken out of our hands. I had hoped to have approx 2 yrs between baby no. 1 & baby no. 2 & this was going to plan beautifully until I had a m/c at 12 wks in Aug 06. Now I am TTC baby no. 2 again & find as each month goes by I am getting more apprehensive as the age gap widens. Hopefully it will happen soon & there will be 2.5 -3 yrs max age gap.
I agree with all the other ladies though - it is such a personal choice. Had I known what was going to happen to me I would have started TTC no. 2 a lot earlier than we did. Hindsight eh.......
this definately is a personal choice. when my eldest was 5 months we decided to try for another to everyones horror! we fell prego straight away and my gorgeous boys are 13 months apart. my plan was always to have two as close as possible then wait till the third. my eldest is now 4 and about to start kindy and we about to start ivf for number 3!(we had natural pregnancies with the first two). I am looking forward to time with Cody my 3 year old as we havent had much one on one and if we are blessed with number 3 they should both be at school, so i get more one on one with bubs. my thought was that while Thomas was a baby i may as well have another because i wasnt getting much sleep and thought two bubs would be manageable.plus i didnt want to get too used to sleeping through myself! my boys entertain each other, share clothes and toys and im sure they still fight just as much as any other siblings. family outings are great because they both get to understand and enjoy things together, but DH and i do get run off our feet with two active boys. hope my rambling has made sense and im sure you'll work out whats best for you!:lol:
First of all, I agree that this is such an individual thing that's it great to read how everyone decided!
Second of all, can you believe how lucky some of us are to be able to 'plan' the gap between our children when there are so many ppl out there who would just give anything to be able to conceive?! DP and I often comment on how fortunate we are to be thinking of things like gaps, we know friends who have taken over three years to conceive (#1 & #2 though - they're having twins! Identical, not IVF, God must have smiled at them).
In our case, we decided on more than three years, but less than five. Ideally four, but we'll probably start TTC when Lucy is about 3 - 3 1/2. Our reasons are nothing new, I so love the toddler stage and would love to be able to do some of the fun things with Lucy on our own. Then, by the time she is starting to be more independent and probably goes to preschool I will have another baby. She'll have her own thing going and won't mind the 'intrusion' at the beginning quite so much. I hope. (Can you tell I'm an oldest child and asked my parents to take my first sister back to the hospital when she was a week old?? LOL)
By the same token I want to be able to do the same thing with #2, really enjoy the baby stage (which I have with Lucy) without constantly running around after a toddler. And if we go for #3 (I'm working on convincing DP) I'd like the same gap again. Obviously, I'm only 29 (for another couple of weeks) so I have the luxury of being able to fit in all of the kids I want b4 my clock starts winding down (and my patience!).
DP and his older brother by 3 yrs got along off and on as kids, but his brother used to beat him up really badly and they've had heaps of issues as adults 'cause of the competitiveness between them. I am close in age to my sisters (2 years between each of us) but fought as much as played with them as a kid and 'ditched' them for other friends once I was at school! (I'm not that awful a big sister, I promise!) I love them dearly now, but even though we're close in age it feels like we might as well be a decade apart, we aren't at the same stage in our lives AT ALL. Probably because I met my DP at 22 and settled down a bit more quickly.
Hope everyone gets to build the family they want! It's a beautiful thing to have children, no matter what the gap or the reasoning. And I don't know of many ppl who wouldn't want their siblings when they're all grown up.
For me, I will wait for a 4 year gap between #2 and #3. I have 2.5yrs between mine, and when the second was born, I had more problems with the 2.5 year old than the newborn! Now one is 4 and one is 2, and I do love them to bits - it's dealing with 2 year old tantrums and 4 year old attitude and defiance at the same time drives me up the wall LOL :) So I will wait longer next time, I am lucky in that I have the age luxury, and look forward to having a newborn when the youngest understands a bit more and the eldest wants to get involved - she's put her order in for a sister.
I think it's often something you don't know until you've had them and seen how it's panned out - I wanted them close together at first, as many seem to do, but I do wish I waited a little longer. Not that I would change it for a thing of course ;)
Hey All
Yes, this is definately a personal decision. My down syndrome brother and I are 5.5 years apart (me being the eldest) and we are really good friends. I guess it is different for me, but I have never really wished for another sibling, just accepted there was just us and made the most of it. I do think that 5 years is too much, cause the eldest ends up looking after the youngest and not exactly 'growing up' with them. I am pg with my first and have no intention of 'thinking' about a second one til ages, but who knows how I will feel at that point in time. There are disadvantages and advantages to every age group, but in the end, I don't think it is that detrimental to the child's education and learning. Just nice growing up with a sibling i guess. My friend and her bro are 15 months apart and they are pretty close. It is nice to enjoy the first one for as long as you can, since it is a life changing experience. Good luck with your decisions girls!
It really is interesting to see so many points of view. Interestingly Kelly, reading your experience I was thinking "yes, it's difficult bcos 2.5 years is a big gap". But from your perspective it's too small a gap! LOL!! I have just found from my own experience and those of others, that when no 1 is around the 18 month mark or younger, there doesn't seem to be much jealousy, whereas those that have 2 - 3 years (just people I know IRL) have found no 1 has been jealous. But the one thing I totally agree on, is that there is no right answer on this. Different things work for different people.
And I must add that I also feel incredibly blessed that things went to plan for me. I also know many people who haven't been so lucky. Really we shouldn't take this for granted.
I had a particularly unsettled and anxious daughter though, so while less may have worked well, it was her personality too. I think she will cope better in future. You just never know ;)
There is no RIGHT OR WRONG in regards to this at all. Its personal choice. Mine are all 20 months apart and I wouldnt have it any other way. My eldest is 6 then 4 then 3 and they are the greatest of friends. it wasnt hard, my eldest never missed out. i do think my middle daughter didnt get much in the way of 1 on 1 but she is a brilliant child who adores her sisters so nothing wrong there. As for coping. I think this time round is going to be HARD for me. When #4 is born my youngest will be about to turn 4. Which means school and kindy runs. UGHH. But I personally needed the break, for my body and sanity LOL.
But I plan on popping out #5 ASAP after #4 comes into the world. Probably around 12 - 18 months age gap. Then I am done lOL. I cannot have just this one more, I dont think it wil be fair on her to not have the closeness with a sibling like all her big sisters have (Gees why do I suspect YET ANOTHER GIRL??)
So personally I like CLOSE ages. I was 18 months younger than my brother and we grew up the closest of friends and still are. We shared all our adventures and it was fantastic. I want my children to have that. To have the ready made playmate at home. Besides I always planned on stopping once I hit the big 30 so times a ticking.
As for big age gaps. I can see the benefits but for me it wasnt suitable. I want to be home with my children in their early years. I dont use childcare. So having them close allows me to put aside a few years, have the masses of children I so desire without taking myself away from the work force for over 10 years. Mind you it probably will be 10 years but hey........... Atleast staying home with 3-4 kids is actually financially the better alternative LMAO.
Each to their own. Dont let anyone tell you when how or why.
My feelings I guess are based on me & my bro. He is nearly 5 yrs older than me, and when we were young, we had such separate lives, and he and his friends were horrible to me. LOL. Teenage years, we got on surprisingly well! Then - he married an awful woman, and we hardly speak now :( Nothing really nasty between us, but we've been divided by my SIL iykwim.
So we're planning a 2yr age gap (providing the ttcing works to plan!)
Oh another thing with the 5yr age gap - my bro started school about 3 weeks after I was born, and had a lot of issues about going to school, and mum reckons it was him feeling like he wasn't wanted around the house now that there was a new baby. Who knows the psychology behind it all hehe. I might add tho, that mum & dad tried for me for a few years, so the big age gap wasn't intentional. Another reason I dont want to wait is incase we take time falling pg.
I dont' consider myself fortunate just yet - who knows what lies ahead! I'm officially in my 30's now (31!! I didn't count 30 LOL) and the clock has well and truly started ticking. I read somewhere that a lot of women think that their fertility remains the same during their 30's (something to do with women putting off childbearing until they have a career etc) but it really isn't, so I don't want to risk waiting a couple of years only to find out our fertility has dropped.:
DP and I often comment on how fortunate we are to be thinking of things like gaps, we know friends who have taken over three years to conceive
Hi!
Great topic - obviously how we were raised and what siblings we have plays a huge role in our decision making!!
I will have 18m gap between 1 & 2! I can't really comment yet I don't know how I'll feel! I'm excited though and I did want the kids to be close in age so I'm happy about that. I know I'll cope because we all manage to somehow!!
Growing up my brother was older by 7y and my sister older by 9y so of course I hate big age gaps!! We never all played together and my brother used his power over me which I hated!! He was bigger and stronger and there was nothing I could do about bascically. My sister was getting engaged and married when I was around 8-12yo so we were so far removed from each others lives....
Anyway, as adults I get along with both of them ok although probaby more so with my brother now as we're at the same lifestyle stage. He hasn't met his partner until later and they're about to have their first bubba so our age gaps closed as such...My sister has older kids and has divorced so again very far removed from me...
I guess I figure if I have my kids closer there is more chance that they'll be friends even though I know it will come down to personality as well....
Mummyto1, I'm in the exact same situation as you - I wanted a small gap between my children and fell prg with #2 when DD was 12 months. Unfortunately we too had a m/c at 12 wks in March 06 and after a lot of drama, have just started IVF.
It's now totally out of my control and that is very hard to accept at times.
I hope we both have #2 on the way VERY soon!!
Very interesting topic
I have a 7 year gap between 1 and 2 and 17mth gap between 2 and 3, so i done both lol
My huge gap was from a tramatic birth and pnd and i was never ever having more children after him, took me 7 years to get over it and luckily my second birth was great and had no pnd, hence the shorter gap, i wanted another one as i left the hospital with number 2, the main reason for 3 was that my older child is a really social kid and was so lonely without anyone around and we just couldnt do that to another child, i dont mind the short gap at all myself, has its bad days but i am sure any gap does, now i am thinking whether to have a number 4 or not
As for jelously, my 17mth old at the time of number 3's birth was really jelous and still is, we cant leave him alone with the baby!
My siter and I are 15 months apart and as kids we fought alot. As teenagers and adults we are the best of freinds. My husband has two younger brothers that are 10 and 12 years apart in age from him and his just now having a brother to brother relationship with the middle brother and not a father and son relationship that they had in the past. Bascially, it depends on the relationships they bulid with each other in their lives.
I have a soon to be 2 year old in March and I'm also expecting a second boy in May. So it is going to be interesting to see the differences in their personalities.
I have a 2.75yr age gap between my first born daughter and little bubby boy. I am finding it very tough. She is right at an age where she is struggling emotionally, you know the 'terrible two's' which I have discoved means 2 years long instead of 2yo.
Just as he was born, she exploded. She is having tantrums, feeling very alone. trying for attention, and is just plain miserable a lot of the time. We are very nurturing, but are having a real struggle with this age gap.
If I could go again, I would love a 4 year age gap. They are just over that hard time, and old enough to understand a bit more when you don't have the same amount of time for them.
I would either go for a shorter age gap or a longer one, not the terrible twos.
Linda.
Something I was thinking about today as well was how our perspective changes after we haev had children. Before I had Tori I was adamant that I was only going to have 2 children, and I was going to have them 3 years apart. As soon as she was born, DH and I decided 2 just wouldnt be enough andwe wanted 3 and that we would much prefer them closer together. I guess another factor that weighs in on this issue is careers, I am a primary school teacher, all up it took me 6 years to get my degree, and i have been teaching for just over 3 years, I am now torn between a career I love and having a family I love- I know it is possible to do both, and I certainly have admiration for people which ever role they choose SAHM, working mum or a combination of both. For me I dont want to give my career up, but I also don't want to work full time and have my kids in care full time.........so I am going to have to find a happy medium that will work with 1, 2 or 3 kids.