Just Need to Vent......

Hi everyone (my apologies if this ends up being really long),

I am totally and utterly devastated and majorly depressed at the moment so I just need to vent about what happened yesterday, I don't mind if no one replies, it's just that I havent' told anyone yet so I need to let it out somewhere! Hope you don't mind!

I had my "final" counselling appointment at the clinic I'm using yesterday, as I was meant to be starting DI in less than 2 weeks, so I was really excited thinking everything would just run smoothly and we would just talk about general stuff and it would all be totally great! Boy was I completely wrong. It turns out that first of all the clinic stuffed up because when I rang to make the counselling appointment they were meant to ask me to bring my dad along (because I am under 25 and that's their policy) for the meeting but they didn't, so I went along by myself. The counsellor rang my dad while we were in the meeting and talked to him a bit and it turns out Dad is worried that everything has gone so fast (I was only on the waiting list for 6 months instead of 12!) and because he said he was worried the counsellor has to take that into account and actually meet up with him face to face to talk about his worries etc. So that means we all have a meeting together next week which isn't that bad, I could have handled that because I probably would have still been able to start this month.

BUT it turns out that the clinic also stuffed up in the first place by even telling me that I had got to the top of the list and letting me choose my donor because they didn't check with the counsellor to see if everything was finalised first, so I should never have chosen a donor and never have even thought that I would be starting DI this month at all. Plus I have a history of depression and the counsellor can't get in touch with my doctor so I am going to have to go and see a psychiatrist to get a report to say I'm not freaking crazy!! Not really....just to say that I am ready to be a mum and mature enough etc etc (if they think I am of course). So the psychiatrist report might be able to fast track me a bit if it all comes back ok, but basically the counsellor said that I might end up having to wait until April next year like I was originally supposed to which is just devastating because I was totally prepared to start this month and indescribably excited about it, and to have it all taken away is just crazy! It was fine when I was able to think that I had to wait the whole year on the waiting list..... I could deal with that, but then when they give you a donor and tell you you can start soon it gets your hopes up a lot and then to be told you actually can't start that soon is just ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

I really haven't explained this well at all, but the thing that annoys me the most is that if I hadn't asked for a last appointment with the counsellor when they rang me up to tell me I could have a donor, they never would have known she wanted to see me again before I started and I would be starting in 2 weeks time and everything would be fine.

God I am sooooooooooooo angry and frustrated and depressed and sad and everything else you can think of! So thanks for reading my little rant and I'm sorry if none of it made sense!!

Jess

Aww I'm sorry to hear that Jess, thats awful to have that taken away. :hug:

Hopefully it all falls into place for you soon.

Good luck!!

Hi Jess

What is DI if you dont mind me asking? I'm guessing it stands for Donor something and that you were going to receive donor sperm?

The whole system sounds stuffed up, what is wrong with being under 25? I can understand under 18 and even under 21 but 25 sounds a bit over the top.

I hope your Dad was just caught unawares by the phone call and he can have a better prepared response when it comes time for his meeting.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope everything works out for you soon.

What a blow, that's icky.

Hopefully the time will fly by until you start xoxoxoxoxo

:hug: Jess, so sorry to hear that it isn't gonig as smoothly as you like. I promise that once you are pregnant, the pre-TTC and everything will seem like a distant memory, and once you are pregnant you'll be amazed at how quickly everything has happened :hug:

Maybe you could start a TTC project? Shel and I each started a cross-stitch to make into a blanket for DD when we were TTC, it really gave us something to focus on, just a reminder that it would happen, even if it isn't happening right at this very instant. (it is still yet to be finished BTW, once the ball started rolling you'll be surprised how much time you DON'T have once you are pregnant and become a mum lol).

Thanks so much everyone :)
Tonydayl DI is donor insemination, so yep I am getting donor sperm. I'm not sure what's wrong with being under 25 - they just don't seem to have very many young people going there I don't think. The counsellor said that if it all goes ahead with me (which it will damn it!!) then I am going to be the youngest person that she has seen in 12 years to get donor sperm! My dad is actually ok with it all, he was just concerned that things were moving so fast whereas I was so excited that they were going fast and just wanting to get on with it!
Leasha, that is a really nice idea, thank you! I am into knitting so I might even start some knitting projects!
I'm sure it will all work out and thank you so much for all your kind thoughts!
Jess

Hey Jess,

Sorry to hear about you being stuffed around. I am pretty sure that they don't have any right to insist that you Dad takes part in everything. Given that you are an adult, and that you have the right to privacy, they should not have the balls to ask his opinion on things. As a nurse I find it quite bizarre they have done that...

We have also had a crap day - after being told that our out of pocket costs for IVF treatment would be less than $2000, it was revealed to us today that there is a hidden cost of $10 K that is non medicare refundable, so that has certainly rained on our parade :(

Hopefully things run smoothly for you now

K & J

Hey K & J,
Wow I'm so sorry to hear about what happened for you guys...... I don't even know what to say, I can't imagine how horrible that must be to hear! I hope you are somehow able to work it all out :)
And yeah, I find it strange that the clinic I'm using asks the parents to come along for a meeting and be involved too, but apparently it's their "policy" so I just have to go with it. It's definately not just me either, they do it for all people under 25 who go through the clinic. The counsellor said they are considering making the clinic only available to people over 21 anyway!

Jess

That really sucks big time Jess, especially when you were so excited. I'm hoping things run more smoothly for you from here on in. Good luck!

I can't believe you have to get your dad's permission if you are under 25! That seems so ludicrous I had my 1st child younger than that and didn't have to ask permission of anyone so why are you prejudiced against?

Yeah I dunno, it ****es me right off too, especially because there are so many other people way younger than me out there getting pregnant, and a lot of them don't even want to have babies, whereas I've been working towards this for what feels like forever now and I want it more than anything and yet it's harder for me to get! So annoying!!

It sucks... I *think* my clinic ask a parent to be present at the counselling session if you are single and under 25... it has so many flaws like... what if you and your parents aren't on speaking terms, or something like that? I can see why, in theory, they think its important (just making sure you have support and all that) but still its not exactly practical.

Yep I do understand that that's why they do it, they just want to know I really do have lots of family support and everything like that, but I have already listed everyone in my family for them that I know are going to be there to support me so I don't understand why they can't just believe me and take my word for it, but I guess they have to make sure the baby really will be ok and stuff. But then if they are doing that why don't they just meet my entire family? lol

My FS explained that they have to answer to an ethical board about all cases, and so they have to make sure that if they have to justify why they treated someone that they can say "well, look, we did this and this and this to make sure that this person was ready and had the support". It's their reputation and practices on the line. I don't think it discrimination, just legally and ethically they have to be 110% sure about it...
I know it seems silly, and I think in a way it is because if you've made the decision to do it through a clinic then thats really showing a certain maturity I think to do it 'properly' instead of just randomly choosing some guy and using his sperm...
But anyway, its not really an issue as your dad is supporting you? So its not really in jepardy, just a bit delayed?

Yeah I understand that Leasha :) It does all make sense! And yeah my dad is fully supporting me so it's just the frustration of having been told it was happening this month but then being told it might be another 6 months away. I'm just complaining really!!

Hey Jess, I certainly understand the frustration of the waits/delays etc involved in working with reproductive medicine groups! I have just explained some of my journey/frustrations in another post within g and l pregnancy section. I also have question for Nurse27 re the $10K hidden cost you recently discovered as we are in Adelaide on the IVF/ICSI path and this is news to me.. am now slightly worried that we've miossed a significant cost..can you please enlighten me..ta

Im really sorry to hear that things could be set back for you. I don't know if it is worth it but would mentioning to the counselor that your upset about how things have been handled be of any benefit. Let him/her know that the things you are being told are not in line with their policy and that is the cause for any frustration that your feeling. It stand to reason that how you have been treated would make you frustrated. It sounds like a whole lot of misinformation and inconsistency on their part, things that have been out of your hands.

Good luck and I really hope you don't have to wait long to start DI.

Hey Macca,
Yeah I think I will talk to her about how I'm feeling about it all. She knew I was pretty angry and upset when I left the meeting with her last week, and she said it was totally understandable that I was, but yeah I might chat to her some more about it this Thursday when I see her. Yeah it was definately the clinic that stuffed up and did misinform me, but at the same time I know people make mistakes and I'm sure they didn't mean to do it all on purpose! So I am trying not to get too angry about it or anything.

Hi everyone - Sorry for the thread hi-jacking

Hey DrGrl72,

Sorry for the slow replies, work has been keeping me ultra busy :( Jay and I spoke to repromed this week and got stung by a 10K non-medicare claimable fee-For sperm processing. I didn't speak to them myself, but from what Jay told me the fee exists even if you bring your own donor into the equation. They then keep everything on ice for 6 months minimum, and after then can start going through the process. We haven't actually had an appointment with them, just been spoken to over the phone and are quite disenheartened about it at the moment. We were expecting it to be a relatively costly exercise, but we were astonished at the extra expenses-including the appointment fee of $150.

At the moment we are waiting to hear from Flinders to hear what their story is - they bulk bill appointments and according to the website the total out of pocket cost is around $1500. I am wondering if they have a secret expense too. The only trouble for us with Flinders is it is MILES away - we are in the Northern suburbs, and it will mean a lot of travelling - and fun and games in trying to get there for early morning tests and things.

What have your experiences thus far been like? Do you have any tips for us in how to deal with everything?? If you don't mind me asking, how much has it cost you?

Karen

Hi Karen
It cost us around $5500 before we got some medicare rebate of around $1800, but that was the big first payment to cover matching you with the donor, all the tests and things like that. Also, once you reach the threshold, you get a lot more back, so if you do need more than one cycle, each one should cost you less as you don't have to pay the 'admin' costs of setting up as a new client and because you get more back from medicare.
Not cheap though!

Hello ladies,

This topic caught my eye. I hope you are no longer frustrated Kitty Kat (KK). I am interested to learn more about sperm donor and those who choose to take part in such a procedure. I wanted to ask KK a few questions. KK, you do not have to answer, if you don't want too, I will understand. Why have decided to have a sperm donor? You are single right? How old are you exactly? Have you considered having a baby with a guy you know, instead of having a sperm donor?

PS: Sincerely apologetic, if my questions are offensive or simply none of my business. ;)

I am also interested to know about lesbian pregnancies and parenting. Hi Sally, how did you and your partner decide who should carry the baby? Have you faced any bad experiences as a result of your choice? Once again, feel free to answer or not to answer.

Hi Girl22,
I did try to get pregnant before with a known donor, I just did home insemination, but it didn't work (obviously) and now he is engaged to a woman and he's not in a position to be my donor anymore. I don't really have many friends that are males so it wouldn't be very easy for me to find a known donor. Which is why I went to the clinic :) I realise that it's not perfect that the child wont be able to find out much about their dad until they are 18, but I don't feel I can just wait around until I find a male friend who is willing to do it. Even if I did, a lot of guys don't want to be involved in the child's life so it may end up being exactly the same as having an unknown donor anyway!
Jess

Hello again.. most of you who've been around this section for a few months or more know my story (in bits) but I'd thought I'd repeat some of it as there are a few more recent questions re. decisions like ??who the birth mum etc

I have two children DS1 has just turned 10 and DS2 will be 8 in a couple of weeks. They and their other mum (my ex-DP) were together for 10 years and split up four years ago. She is the biological mother of both the children. Currently ours sons live week about with her and then with me and my DP, so they now have three people they call 'mum' or some variant of eg 'mamma'

Re decision making.. when ex-DP and i started talking about having children (many moons ago now!) we were both clear that we both wanted to physically carry, birth and breastfeed a child. We also at the time thought we'd like 4 children. The deciiosn that she would get pregnant first was easy... she is four years older than me, she really wnated gewt be pregnant at the time, i felt ready to be a mother but was studying fulltime and at that stage my course (medicine) did not allow part time study. The initial plan was that she would have the first one and myself the second. We used a known donor, i did the inseminations myself in our own home (the donor lived interstate but would travel to us) and she got pregnant on the third month of trying.

OUr first son was born in Juily 1998, 5 months before my final med school exams. About a year later we started talking about a second child and contrary to our initial plans we decided that she again would have the child. It was a little harder this time but as we thought we would still have more children I was ok with it. Again she really wanted a second pregnancy and the age factor meant it was sensible for her to do it sooner. A bi factor was that I was finally finishing studying, we were about to have an income for the first time in ages, had bought a house and the mortgage needed paying! We used the same donor and she got pregnant on the second attempt. OUr DS2 was born towards the end of my intern year.

Fast forward almost eight years and I am now 36 living with my sons (every second week) and my DP who is 45. DP and I were clear we wanted children (she din't have any prior to meeting me) and again the decision re who was easy. DP has never, ever wanted to be pregnant/give birth, in fact the idea is abhorrent to her! However, I always have and I guess even if she did want to her age would make it tricky, if not impossible for her.

We are using a known donor (different to the one for DS1 and DS2) weho is in the same state as us. We have been TTC for about 18months but apart from one BFP and very early miscarriage/chem preg in Nov 2007 have not had any luck. FOr a myriad of reasons we are now going down the IVF- in fact ICSI path. This is largely as our donor turns out to have fertility issues but for many reasons we do not want to change donors. Currently our first ICSI is planned for around Jan 2009.

In response to Nurse27... wow! I'm not sure what is going on at repromed but we've never been told of anything like a $10K sperm processing fee! We are seeing Dr Kelton Tremellen who had been really good. But I have also heard good things about a number of their other Drs including Chrisitne Kirby and Louise Hull.

OUr expenses have been as follows
First appt
Me- $115.70 up front with $65.70 back from medicare (so $50 gap)
DP- bulk billed

First appt for our donor
As for my first appt

Follow up appt
Me- $83 up front with $33 back from mediciare (so $50 gap)

Transvaginal ultrasound
$93 up front with $29.75 back from mediciare (so $63.25 gap)

3 mandatory counselling appts- 1 for donor, 1 for me and DP and one with the 3 of us. There is no charge for any of the counselling

I've also had a couple of blood tests for which there has not been an extra charge
OUr donor has given semen samples on three ocassions and has had blood taken, there was no charge for these services.
OUr donor is also taking menevit which is $80 for three months supply from them (and we have bought 2 packets to date, so $160) You can now get it from chemists but at the time we first bought it you couldn't
I am not sure about sperm storage fees. I know there are costs for frozen embryos storage (but i think this is hundreds rather than thousands). I now cannot remember re sperm storage. We certainly have not been charged anything yet and our donor's sperm has been stored for just over three months. Re the sperm storage/quarrantine period- it is actually three months (ours was up last week yay!).. but i do know that since we started with repromed they have done an overhaul of their whole donor program so things may have changed.

That's pretty much our experiencr to date. Donor has another appt on 23/10 then us on 27/11 to actually finally plan first ICSi and sign consents etc! Yay
Nurse 27 if you want to PM me would be happy to give you my mobile number and have a chat/share experiences Good luck, Girldoc

Hi Kitty Kat,
I am really cofused with why your clinic has told you they need to speak to your father, As far as I'm aware, and please correct me if I am wrong, we are going through the same clinic here in Perth, Concept Fertility?????
My partner and I first went in when we were 22 to go on the program, no parents were involved and only 1 counselling session. Now this was only last year. Perhaps it was because we had been together for nearly 5 years and were very stable, I don't know..
We were never told once that if we were under 25 then we needed a consenting parent.
I am very confused as to why there are 2 sets of procedures :o

Hey Gizzmo,
Yeah I have no idea. The counsellor told me that it was definately not only me that they do it with, like it was nothing against me or anything and that all people under 25 have to have either one or both parents come to one counselling session. I'm not entirely sure that I believe her because throughout the whole 6 months that I've been on the waiting list I was never told anything about that policy of theirs, and in that time I saw the counsellor twice and she never once mentioned anything like it at all. It's kind of strange really. I don't think it's so much to do with the "consent" of the parent, I think it's more to do with the counsellor and clinic making sure I definately have really good support around me since I am single and young, but having said that I think if my dad went in there and said "there is no way I want her to do this, she's too young and I don't think it's a good idea at all, blah blah blah" then I think the clinic would seriously think about not letting me do it because they would be worried I wouldn't have enough support, which I would anyway, but I dunno. It's too complicated for my head!!
I'm pretty sure that it would make A LOT of difference having a partner that you have been with for some time, because then the clinic knows that you have that support person there the whole time, so I guess they don't have to worry quite as much?

Wow, what I'm hearing here is astonishing. I would never have thought clinics would run so misinformed. Things such as not letting you know that you need a consenting parent until the last minute like Jess has experienced and the hidden $10 K Drgirl has experienced is absurd to me. These clinics are meant to have a process and the initial appointment should discuss all of the above. Conceiving a baby through a clinic is an emotional rollercoaster as it is and then throw in unexpected expenses etc and it really tests your emotions just when you think you are all prepared and mentally ready. I just think its quite poor the way they have handled the way you have been treated. The prices at these clinics is massive, when my DP and I were first thinking of TTC we investigated a clinic and were told that we should budget for $7 K but medicare and private health cover most of it and we would be only about $1800 out of pocket. This was QFG in townsville so I'm sure each clinic is accredited individually and have their own costing however they justify it. I hope things run more smoothly for you all. All the best!

I am actually amazed at the price of some of these clinics... Our clinic only cost $200 for the use of a sperm donor and $800 for the sperm prep and IUI. We got 80% back thanks to medicare (i have pcos though dunno if that changes anything).

I also thought I'd answer RE choosing to be the tummy mum etc.
Its really not that hard, for some woman the desire to actually carry and give birth to a child is strong (for me it was)but for Shel, she was ready to be a mum but not ready to birth which suited us fine. She has started to think about giving birth next time which is good as I'd love to have another bub soon but not quite ready to birth again lol! Plus, logistically, it worked. Shel was working full time, and I was studying. I am going to finish my studies externally and then I'll go to work and Shel will be home with Jazz and she'll have the next bub in 2-3 years. I don't REALLY want to go to work, I'd much rather be home with Jazz but I also don't want Shel to have to work all the time either, plus once we are considered partnered we wont get a PPS so it makes more sense for me to go to work as I'll be able to earn more with a uni degree. Eventually I'll have the third bub, and thats all we've talked about really. Not sure when #3 is happening, probably 6 or so years.

Wow I am so shocked at all these expenses that everyone is facing.
My partner and I only had to pay $130 for our initial consultation with our Gynacoloist with medicare rebating half and each insemination all we pay is $180. So far we have tried 2 times and falling both times but our little micro just wont stick :(
We have had 1 month break and I am going on clomid this cycle so I ovulate early ( Not day 28 out of a 35 day cycle like I have been) we also had to just pay just $28 for the clomid
We dont pay any other expense..........

What the?????
You guys could be saving thousands of dollars by just flying over here to WA ;)

Hey gizzmo, I have been thinking a similar thing.. it would be cheaper to fly interstate to do all of this!!

I don't understand how the costs of clinics can vary so much across Australia!! That's crazy!! Everyone COME HERE!! lol

Hey hun,
Have you heard anything from Concept yet???

Hey! Yep....... went in for the counselling session with my dad on Thursday and it went REALLY well. She was really happy that Dad had come along and feels much better about the whole thing now because she knows how much support I have from my dad. So I still need to go see a psychologist who deals with donor stuff and particularly young people doing it, but I'm absolutely sure there's not going to be any problems with it all, so after that (which is on the 11th of nov) I should be able to start pretty much straight away once the psych gives her report to the counsellor at the clinic :) So yay!! I don't have to wait nearly as long as I thought I was going to!
Thanks for asking :D
Jess

Thats such good news Jess :)
I really hope all foes well for you next month and who know might even see you in there :)

excellent news Jess! I'm happy things are working in your favour more :)

Wow, Concept are a lot cheaper than Pivet, but I guess with Pivet it's all inclusive and has extensive monitoring, which I'm happy about as I have PCOS and wouldn't want to be trying to guess anything.

It's costing us $2300 for the first cycle, which includes all appointments plus donor sperm, the IUI and regular monitoring of hormones and follicles (blood tests and ultrasounds). So far I've had 3 blood tests and 2 ultrasounds, I'm just waiting for the results of today's tests so that I know when we get to do the IUI.
We got $1580 back from Medicare, and we'll get 80% back on any future cycles this year, so they'll cost us less than $500.

I wasn't told anything about having to be over 25 (I am but DP isn't), but we've been in a stable relationship for almost 5 years.

Hey Jess,

We hope that everything went well for you with your psych appointment - and that things are all set to start soon!

Our 1st appointment is scheduled for the 27th of this month, so we are hanging out waiting for that!

K + J

Hey Karen & Jay,
Thanks for that! It all went extremely well with the psych, she was so great, and she said she sees absolutely no reason why things shouldn't go ahead for me! So she just has to write her report to the counsellor at the clinic and I am on the way! Yay! So should be able to start in December I think :) Woo hoo!
And awesome that your appointment is so soon, you must both be really excited and happy! Good luck :D
Jess

Hey Jess that is great news :dance:. Hope to see a BFP from you really soon. Sending you lots of :bluedust:

Hey Jess,
Did you hear that concept are now charging a mthly management fe of $900 for all IUI.
I only found out yesterday. I am so upset :(