Bombshell

Two days ago my husband told me he is not in love with me anymore. He swears there is no-one else involved (although I don't know what to believe) and is in no rush to go anywhere but he can't see himself with me anymore. We have a 22 month old daughter who we both love. He says he's been unhappy for a while and can't hide it anymore and believes our marriage is over. I'm totally devastated. I'm trying to hold it together for our daughter. I have no family in Perth, they are overseas and now I'm faced with being a single parent in a place with no support and I can't move home due to work commitments and I wouldn't take my daughter away from her father anyway. He still wants to be there for her.

How do I even beginning to deal with this? I just feel numb and have no idea what to do next.

iv got no advice just huge hugs huni. welcome to bb and i look forward to getting to know you xox

Oh I just want to give you a huge hug. I really have no advice, but i'm sure there will be some lovely ladies on here throughout the day that will give you some wonderful advice and support.

Big hugs to you, honey. What a terrible blow out of the blue for you. Any chance he'd consider marriage counselling? I've heard of others who have salvaged their relationships that way, and with a little daughter, I think it would be good to give it a good chance. All the best, regardless of how it works out. You'll find lots of support here on BB.

Big hugs hun :hug: I have been where you are and it's not a nice place to be.

You can only take it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other and you will suprise yourself with how strong you can be ;)
It gets better but it takes time. Be kind to yourself, focus on your daughter and on doing what you need to for you both.

Contact Centrelink and advise them of your change in circumstances. They will also be able to direct you to community services & supports if you need them.

I am sorry that this is what brings you to BB , it's a great place to come & talk & get support & have a chat. :hug: Wishing you all the best

wow, hugs, no advice ....sorry!! but welcome to BB a look forward to 'chatting' to you on here. I think crickets idea is great, see if you can see someone, even if it just helps you to deal with a divorce better its worth a shot! Hugs to you and you baby DD!

I am going to sound like a fairly harsh person now. I do not mean to upset or offend. But I am going to give an honest opinion - if it is too mean, say so and I'll remove it.

He's "not in love". I just don't fathom that. Basically, he thinks a perceived lack of one of the more flighty emotions is a reason to leave his wife and child. Breaking all those promises made on his wedding day. Grow up!

It will be hard work from here, but isn't that what marriage is about: that you've found someone worth a bit of hard work? It should be easy to "fall in love" all over again, if you want to do that. Marriage counselling is a good idea, but so is a bit of time. I bet you haven't had much of that and it's annoying your DH. Maybe he thinks you're too much of a "mum" and less "wife"? I have little sympathy for him. (But I do have for you, Claude, even if it doesn't show here.) If you can get in someone to babysit for an evening so you can have a meal, go to the pictures, do something grown-up together that may encourage him to grow up and realise what he has. A wonderful woman he adores, even though circumstances have changed.

Of course, this is assuming you want to put this work in too. I'd be a bit too annoyed if DH were to do anything so stupid to want to put in the hard yards... but it would probably be done and benefit both of us in the long-term. I am very cross at your husband: I have very little truck with "in love" and that associated nonsense. You can decide to love, if that's what you want to do. It isn't as exciting. But life can't be all excitement.

(FWIW, I didn't fall in love with my husband, nor my son. I have great and loving relationships with both. Falling in love, IMO, is an optional extra and not the be all and end all. That's just my opinion though, and you're welcome to disregard it.)

No advice here hun, just big :hug: i dont really know what to say..
youve come to a great place for help and support xxx

I agree to some councelling hun, if he is willing. If it is something that you both want to fight for. I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean though Ryn? Do you mean you don't love your husband and son or aren't 'in love' with them? if that makes sense? Im sorry if that is an incensitive question, please don't take it as that. I've had very little sleep and just wanted to understand what you meant, I really liked your post but just wanted to 100% understand it. Regardless though, I don't understand the 'falling out' of love with someone. Especially the mother of your child. LIke ... how people just wake up one day and decide they're not in love? :dunno: I hope you can work it out for the sake of you and your daughter hun. And like already posted, sorry that this is what brought you to bb. :hug:

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(FWIW, I didn't fall in love with my husband, nor my son. I have great and loving relationships with both. Falling in love, IMO, is an optional extra and not the be all and end all. That's just my opinion though, and you're welcome to disregard it.)

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ITA with Lady Zaidie - I think being 'in love' is really over-rated and doesn't have much to do with long term lasting love.
Is he saying that he doesn't love you anymore? Or that he isn't in love with you...they are two different things to some people and I'm not sure what he said or meant.

And I second the counselling suggestions, if you can. But you have to have two parties willing to go to counselling or to work it out.
Not saying he's not, but what worked for me was- I got on with what I had to do. I acted as though that was it, all over, sayonara - that was my way of coping so that if he didn't want to work it out I didn't have that crushing blow again ITMS.

in my experience, falling OUT of love with someone happens. It usually happens when you start falling IN love with someone else. And as a general rule you can fall out of love but still love someone and care for them.
There is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone.

I do agree though, you are married, you have a child, if counselling is an option I would do that. I believe you have to before you can get a divorce anyway don't you?

:hug:

I am so sorry, i have no advice but just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you and sending lots of :hug:'s to you x

so sorry to hear and i know its a very difficult place to be in, i found myself in the same situation some years ago.

You'll likely go thru a very difficult time, its like loosing a loved one even though they are still there. The first thing you'll go thru is disbelief, then perhaps anger, then depression...be prepared for a bit of a rollercoaster ride....and one you'll probably be on for the next couple of years at least.

Definately ask him if he's willing to go to councelling with you...and if he's not willing (like my ex) then go for yourself because you'll need to have someone to offload all the emotions you'll be going thru.

Councelling should help you make a decision on how to deal with the situation that suits you and your needs. My only advice is to not make any decisions immediately because you just dont know how you'll feel over the coming months, or if he'll have a change of heart.

Oh hun - Big hugs! :hug:
Whereabouts in Perth are you? I'm in Perth myself (Baldivis - Rockingham way) and if you ever need anyone to just sit down and have a coffee with, let me know and I'll be there with a supportive ear :hug:

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult and life-confronting time at the moment :hug:

FWIW, i don't see this as the final end to the relationship. From my experience, having a child changes the couple dynamic. suddenly from the moment our babies are born we are thrown head first into a new system of life, love, hardship and reassesment of who we are and who we are becoming. and importantly, it takes time. If the foundations of the relationship are strong (mutual respect, shared dreams etc) then this current hiatus could just be one of those moments of fear and reflection for what was, what is, and what will be. My DH and I went through this about 18 months ago and man, it was devastatingly hard and scary. we both questioned what the purpose or future of our love and shared life story and both of us wondered if it was worth going through this massive change together. but when we thought really long and hard (and with the help of a counsellor and long meaningful and respectful chats with eachother) we realised that the things that brought us together in the first place and bouyed us into having a child in the first place were still really important to us and still there...just a little bit hidden under the weight of change that any new child can bring.
at first our actions seemed arbitrary in that we would 'organise' couple time together (ie finish work early and see a movie before picking DD up) or heading out together before work for a coffee etc. but it seemed to helped, and gave us the much needed break to calmly and tenderley bring ourselves back together as a couple.

from what you have posted, although it must of been devasting, i have been there (on both sides!), but there can be hope. it might take superhuman strength, but if you are both willing to give it even half a go it could work, and if it doesnt at least you can both hold your head up high and know that you guys tried your very best.

HTH :hug:

oh gosh babe..my heart aches for you :hug: you've found a great support here in BB.

To clarify, I have never "fallen in love" - but I do love. I love my husband and child very much. I just never fell in love and think that "falling out of love" is a stupid excuse to walk away from responsibilities when you can decide to love someone without the hormone rush.

Thank you for your support. It has been a very hard week trying to hold it together to take care of my daugther. I have talked to him about giving us 6 months to try and see if we can make it work and that we owe it too our family try and work through this with some help rather than give up on our marriage. He is not willing to do that, he is pretty adament that he is not going to feel any different. We had a weekend planned away next week which was meant to be a romantic weekend away without our daughter. We are still going away but now to talk about how to separate our lives as amicably as possible and how to do the best thing by our daughter. We will then tell our friends and family when we get back.

You might think I'm giving in too easily but I can't be the only one fighting for our marriage and family. I know him well enough to know when he has made up his mind.I think it will be good for me to go to councelling to help me deal with this. I'm just soo devasted for me and my DD and that my whole future life that I thought I had together with him is now not going to happen.