At this point in time I am probably the last person you should ask ;) However, I will add my 2c to the mix having been there such a short time ago.
Children are concrete little people. They don't have the adult connotations of death and dying and the fears that adults have. They need concise and specific answers in an age appropriate way. So, with that framework we approached it in this way with DS (2y10m) and DD (15m).
We (the royal *we* as Greg is not here but I believe he was part of this process) addressed the death part as Daddy dying and being a star in the sky. We thought *Heaven* was too abstract a concept however DS will tell you Daddy is in Heaven.
We did a viewing with the little ones. Why?? Well, they went to bed one night after having a wonderful day with Daddy and getting kisses and cuddles before bed only to wake up and be told Daddy had died. I felt they needed a concrete image rather than a perpetual feeling like he had just *left* IYKWIM. However, we did a viewing with just me and the little ones. I did not want the adult experience of death / dying / loss to taint their experience. They recognised DH immediately and saw him as sleeping.
Before the viewing we had done preparations to explain what was happening. The viewing was the day before the funeral. Greg was buried. We explained that Daddy's body was broken, his heart had stopped working and he could not be fixed. We explained that what we would see was Daddy's shell because Daddy was already a star in the sky and his shell was left behind. We explained that sometimes there is a snail in the shell and sometimes there is just a shell. What we would see is just the shell.
We explained that we would be going to Church to celebrate Daddy's life. We were sad because Daddy had gone. Tears were not hidden and it was explained we were crying because we loved Daddy very much and we were sad because he was not able to stay here with us. We explained that it was ok to be sad and to cry because we missed him. It was not hidden when the men OR the women cried. It was important for DS to see that men can cry too when they are sad.
We talked about the burial after seeing Daddy's *shell*. We told DS (and DD but what she comprehends is a little less obvious) that when a body is broken and doesn't work anymore it either gets turned into ash (like Caitlyn) or is placed into a coffin and into the ground. It isn't Daddy that is going into the ground because he is already a star in the sky, but just Daddy's broken shell.
How did it all turn out?? I think it was ok. I think it was distressing for some people there to see my babies sprinkle the coffin with flower petals but my immediate family and my IL's were extremely supportive. My IL's lost another child at 6yo (DH was 7.5yo and BIL's 4.5 and 3) I think they have regrets about not including the children. The 4.5yo still has residual issues about death and dying to this day. My FIL actually said to me before the viewing / funeral etc that he supported me 100% which was lovely.
So from my experience, I think it has helped the babies (and DS in particular) to process this very sad time in our lives. It was good for me to give them concrete examples that they can deal with. I still get asked questions and that is ok. I get asked if I am crying, why are you sad Mummy and DD wipes away the tears and rubs or pats me on the shoulder / back. But that is ok. I am sad. I have lost the most important person in my world.
Happy to answer any questions you may have. Ultimately you need to make a decision you are comfortable with but remember that children don't have the same experiences you have. How you approach this can colour how they deal with death / dying / loss for some time. Deal with it in a positive way despite the sadness :hug:
