dont beleive talking to brother will benefit anything.opinions, similar stories,pls

dos anyone have a similar story.

I have alot of pain/trauma from the fact that i went through hell for decades, was raising children alone under very difficult circumstances, with a dangerous ex who didnt pay child support, dragged me through courts to avoid it and much much more. it took such a toll on my health and myc hildrens health what we went through which is another horror story of itself.

during all these eyars , some 28 horror filled years, i always did whatever i could to progress anything. I was very proactivie in so many ways.

but i do not find it happy to be around my brother or others around me , only a few who are on track with what i've been through.

I have alot of trauma that i went through hell for decades and my brother wasnt there for me.
he didnt feel my pain of being on my own
of all i had to deal with
he didnt try to make my day or comfort me or releive me

we went through so much for 28 years and where was he.

He lived 5 minutes away

he was dancing and playing sport travelling, having a pretty comfortable life
and just didnt think of his one and only sibling and the hell that she and her children endured and the huge toll all they went trhough took on them all for decades.

I do very well when i am not near off track people that remind me of what i went through and to add salt to the wounds that those who should have been there for us just werent, in such a big way while we went through such extreme experiences.

today he invited me for an afternoon tea and as usual i didnt go as i do much better staying away from him and the trauma he reminds me of. i only end up being a mess around such trauma while otherwise i do very well.

I dont see any resolution

I try to tell myself he did the best he knew how;
i try to make excuses forgive whatever.....

but i dont see any future that i will ever get together with him in this lifetime
unless he were to find a way to take away the pain by showing any awareness and remorse and desire to give some support, releif, comfort, make our day, joy,
which i dont beleive will ever happen.

i dont beleive anythign would ever come of me trying to say anything to him. i have in the past and it fell on deaf ears.

personally i cant understand someone who can live like that while someone close suffers so much, doing there best without the supports emotionally and financially in a good relationship and normalacies and joys he has had.

when i tried to beg him for support years back he thought about another single mum he knew and wondered how she managed, but he didnt think much about a few critical differences between her and my life that all made such a difference between her load and burdern and situation and mind.

counsellors couldnt help with this when i used to bring it up over the years so please dont bother suggesting counselling.

i dont see anything that will change this situation and so we will probably live out our lives, me with my quiet pain and him ... oblivious, not caring, blind, perhaps even judgemental , with no showing an ability to want to care or know how we are or how he can bring us some joy or comfort.

I think that if you don't talk to him there is no oportunity for change, for him to ever acknowledge what he probably already knows on some level.
Even if you just said "the fact that you weren't ever there when I needed you most means that I will never be able to trust you or be comfortable with you now, we can't be friends until I know that you understand what happened and where I've come from", at least you're saying something, and you may find your way to some kind of closure.
If not you won't be any worse off than you are now.

Honestly....

Without knowing all the details, this really sounds like 'your' problem, not your brothers. I am not saying this to be mean or judgemental. However, the problem seems to be how 'you' feel about him. You were obviously expecting certain actions and reactions from you brother in the past, and he has failed to live up to these expectations (rightly or wrongly is irrelevant). Now I am unsure just what exactly you were expecting from him, but you obviously never got it from him and now you are hurt upset and angry that he didn't do what you thought he should have done - (or dare I suggest???) that he didn't suffer as you did???

The only way that you are going to be able to move on from this is to make a decision to do so and accept that what has happened has happened and nothing is going to change that. Your brother is your brother, he is who he is. And if he doesn't 'get' the problem or believe he acted in any wrong fashion, then you have to accept that this is his truth and it is unlikely to change. You cannot change anothers behaviours or thoughts. It is as simple as that. And once you accept that, whilst you may not exactly be happy with it, you will be at peace with it.

And if I am being completely honest, it sounds as if you don't WANT to move on from this issue. You don't want a resolution, or to forgive, you want to hold onto this grudge and feel justified for being petty.

Then again I could just be leaping to conclusions based on the very limited information available to me....

You know...im a firm believer of life is what you make of it. We have all trodden down bendy roads and twisted paths....some have had it harder then others.
Im also a believer of getting it off your chest then and there because time causes negetive to breed like an ulcer, which quiet obviously it has with you.

Family can only help us so much.....he was not your husband but your brother. We make our beds and we lay in them. Not everyone see's things through our own eyes and our decissions often arent the ones others would take either. Perhaps he didnt agree with choices you made? Did you miss signs? Why are you so bitter towards him?

Just because he wasnt there for you in certain times in your life doesnt mean that just he is to blame in the distance in your relationship. You said that he had invited you to go to his place for afternoon tea yet you said no so quiet obvioulsy you quiet obviously need to have a face to face with him and let him know how you feel. Honestly how much can it do to your relationship? He would perhaps understand your reasons of not attending functions ect and he may not even know he hurt you like he has.

Talk to him.

Huge :hug:'s hun. I can feel the pain in your words and I can see why you feel mistreated. I have no advice for you, I just wanted you to know that.
He could have been so much more supportive and he wasn't and that is so so wrong. :hug:

Life is what you make it, you get up, dust off and move on. Sorry if i sound harsh, but your his sister, were things going on in his life you didnt know about?

thanks youve all said helpful things
say something short is a good suggestion

or accept he doesnt understand he is how he is and nothing will help it.

its not a matter of finding peace with it i've tried and continue to try

its a matter that he reminds me of huge trauma and pain and that isnt good for me to be around.
( not there isnt any silly thing like me resenting he didnt suffer i want him to have good
its simply what i said huge pain that he wasnt there for me in any shape or form to give me any sort of level of releif, support, comfort, joy
he could have said here pay a bill, here get a massage, here know that i care,
but to have such a lovely life and not care about a woman and children suffering so much 5 minutes away who is your only sibling...... for 28 years
its a pain i dont know if i will ever recover from and not yet as things are still quite challenging. perhaps one day when they are less challenging the pain will recede but that hasnt come yet despite my efforts to try to feel or look at it differently.

its nothing silly either like wanting to hold onto it.
it just is what it is and it is- trauma for me to be around him and the feelings/memories it raises and i dont need that, i do well without it and dont do well without it,
and ofcourse we all shape our lives i said i was proactive

perhaps he was bewildered, cant relate, was convinced by his wife to not help, i doubt he could have judged something and if he could have then its time to rethink what he judged because anything would not have made sense amongst a woman and children try ing so hard in so many ways against such odds for 28 years and not getting any kindness releif generosity comfort.

its a pain i dont know if it will ever go away . i feel it but focus on other things
but when he invites me thinking i can sip tea and pretend everything is fine when thigns are and have been so very extreme, its not something i can do .

he does the same with my mum
he visits and chats about all the wonderful thigns in his life and doesnt help her at all with the things she is suffering immensely from
and then she goes and puts pressure on me to the point that it could be dangerous for me, while he goes back to his cushy selfish blind life.

i dont want invitations i dont want to see him, i try not to remember and focus on waht i can do and progress in. the pain increases when attention is drawn to it by his invitations.i dont need to be around him it just reminds me of huge pain and trauma. it would have been less painful to not have a brother than to know you have one and he doesn nothing while so much goes on.

there are many stories on tv of husbands who killed their wives.

my ex had investigated that option, however unlike other stories my family would have let it happen instead of fighting for justice and truth. the atrocities that i endured while he lived his very luxurious comfortable fun life is too painful for me to remember that all i went through and yet where was he 5 minutes away while me and my kids suffered so s omuch. where was he for 28 years?



the last person who wroteone was particularly comforting compassionate obviously heard what it is.

i can see that this whole topic does nothing but traumatise and drain me and its not helpful.
i will read and appreciate all answers but i will start to move on from this as its not helpful to retraumatise myself when i can focus on happier more productive things.

I agree, I think you should step away before you inflict yourself with any more trauma.

Im sorry that you feel betrayed by your brother. Families are supposed to be there for us but for a lot of us that just isnt true. The best thing I can say is to make the best of your life now and try not to dwell on what he has or how successful he is because you were strong enough to make your own path, dont doubt it now and be bitter.

I hope you feel better for getting it off your chest though :hug:

I have a sister who is a single struggling mum. She has alot of drama going on in her life. According to her I am the selfish, lucky one leading a cushy life. I can completely relate to your brother in this.

Her issues are not my problem. Full stop.

I may choose to offer a sympathetic ear sometimes, alot of the time I won't, because I am not good at keeping my mouth shut when I have an opinion (you might have noticed ;) ) - so it is better just not to get involved at all. I don't like her choices, and I don't feel I have any resposibility at all emotionally, financially or otherwise to dig her out of a hole that she got herself into. I might sound like a b!tch to you for this. My sister sometimes gets miffed at me. I know she thinks I have it easy, and she is jealous of my situation. BUT we maintain a relationship seperate from her issues, because that is the only relationship we can have.

We love each other, we talk, we laugh, we enjoy many family activities together. But we do not share or agree on many issues in life - it is better that we accept these differences and move on.

If either of us were unable to accept these differences, then I would be sad to loose a sister, BUT I am not and cannot be responsible for another persons life outside of my immediate family. My immediate family does not include my siblings, nor my parents any longer - not since I grew up and got married. My immediate family and thus my responsibility is solely my DH and my three children.

The same goes for my DH - he also has 5 siblings like I do. But he's first and foremost responsibility is to me and our kids. Not exceptions.

Having said all that IF we can support someone emotionally, we will do so to the best of our ability without compromising ourselves or our own family. Financially, no. There is no entitlement to our support however. It is only there if we choose to offer it freely, and if we do not, then that is your problem, not ours.

After reading your second post, I am convinced now even more then before that you are suffering from jealousy. You a bitter, because you had unrealistic expectations and a sense of entitlement.

You and your kids went through a horrible life. OK. that is horrible, truely it is.
I just fail to see how this is in any way, shape or form your brothers fault or problem. Just because his life may appear 'perfect' in comparision, does not mean that it is. Even if it is, that does not mean that he is therefore required to shoulder your pain and suffering.

If you truely cannot accept this, and cannot forgive him for the faults you perceive in him. Then you have a decision to make. Be bitter whenever you are around him, or be bitter and cut him out of your life.

Sue - I have read quite a number of your posts, you seem to thrive on drama. Forgiveness is a choice. If you cannot forgive him, it is because either consciously or unconsciously you are choosing not to do so. You and your brother disagree on this issue - you will not change his mind and he will not change yours. So you have a decision to make, forgive him or don't. Either way it is likely you are only going to be hurting yourself.

Gotta share the love, but fab post Misty. :clap:

misty your viewpoint of how you handle it is a valid viewpoint thanks i dont think i'm able to do that at this point while suffering but maybe in future if my situation was much better and my trauma resides.


formyself if i saw a friend in a terrible situation, eg for some reason that week they had no groceries or no heater, or whatever, i'm just giving examples, and for a low cost, i could help them and i knew that they do the most possible for their own life they are not lazy or irresponsible or addicts etc.
then i would do all possible to give them comfort releif support protection.
there are always small ways we can bring support love comfort relief for someone alone in the world who we care about.


I dont think i will ever get over that my brother wasnt there for me so i continue builing my own life as o
ve always done . he doesnt care about my challenges and exhaustion and in some ways its better that way as not everyone has the wisdom experience and skills to be helpful to someone in trauma.

some will just show they are not capable of having the wisdom to support and will just be soul destroying.those who just call it 'drama' or throw insituations to let themselves off the hook just show how they dont have the make up to connect with the legitimate trauma of others and would just be hurtful rather than helpful supportive anyway.so its a blessing when some dont help but i dont need to be around it at this point.


thanks for all the various ways i could look at this from various viewpoints that were helpful.

Sue - perhaps you might be better off focusing on the positives in your life then allowing the negetives to eat away at you. Helping yourself is the first step with any type of healing. Everyone is different and we cant make judgement on someone of something that we have no control over. We need to take control of our own lives as we can only point fingers at ourselves. Being bitter and angry towards another member for not being there for us at anytime is something eveyrone struggles with it, but its how you choose to deal with it that makes you the better person.

Others feel betrayed by their own mother and have done all their lives but they seek to step out of that shadow by not letting it consume them.

Again...you need to tell him how you feel. You quiet obviously have no love left in the relationship and if thats the case you should find it wase enough to let him know the hatred you have built up.

God helps those who help them selves.

I am not sure there is any way we can really help though. You are extremely set in your mindset and nothing we have ever said has changed anything before. You have asked on numerous occasions about your partner and many of us believe and have relayed to you that he is toxic and abusive. Yet you defend him to the hilt and then decide you don't want our words after all.

I can't help but wonder if your brother tried to tell you the same about your ex and you cut him off as well leaving him to think "Well, you chose this - I tried to talk to you before it got too hard".

I have to agree with Misty as well. I am sorry but I have been in your shoes. I married a total ahole who did everything possible to get out of paying or doing any form of child support at all. I dug myself out of that hole. I worked, I struggled, I did it all on my own. The very fact that I did it all on my own was far more rewarding and liberating anyway. My family certainly would have helped me if I had asked, but they were not the twits that married the jerk and had two kids to him so it was not their responsibility to fix it. It was mine. The mistake was mine and despite the fact that I was still a child in my head I had to accept that I was an adult and take responsibility for my own problems.

ETA: We are actually going through a time with BIL at the moment where we are expected to drop everything and run to help him. He is in a tough situation, yes. He is broke. He just had an aneurysm and a stroke. He had to sell his house to get by. His life is hell. Several months in hospital, no income at all. I do not doubt it is hard at all.

What exactly is my DH supposed to do to live up to these lofty sibling assistance standards? Should he forgo paying a bill to buy his brother food? Should he spend every day at his brothers helping him with chores leaving no time at all to spend with his kids or for his business? Should he be carrying his brothers emotional burdens around and lumping them on me and our kids? Is he really expected to forget me and ignore me because his brother is in hell? How is that my fault? How is that our kids fault? How is it fair that we should be second to him?

Interestingly I am acutely aware of the fact that his brother does have issues with me because my husband places value on his relationship with me and his family with me over and above his brothers daily and almost endless issues and is forever guilting DH because they "dont talk as much". I dont control DHs actions and the plain and simply fact is, my DH takes his marriage seriously.

sue, i don't know why you bother writing these long winded descriptions of your life, you say you're asking for advice, but you're actually asking people to agree whole-heartedly with you, and say 'poor you'. we all have moments in our lives that are traumatic, they may go on for moments, or years, but you have to move on in your life, and not blame other people for the negativity that you feel.
it is not your brother's fault that you married a ****er. your brother had his own life and marriage to nurture, like you had yours, it's not his fault that you had grand expectations of him to fix YOUR life.
i know i sound harsh, but for gods sake, move on.

I have to agree with misty too, you can't blame your brother for the life decisions you made, it was your relationship and you stayed for 28 years, what could he do? If you want to move on without him in your life that is your choice, but you can't blame your brother for having the life you wanted.

I've learnt that when some people start to attack someone in pain and accuse them of things that are not the case, bandying about various words that are not the case in that situation, then its direspectful, insensitive and not worth trying to correct the various incorrect statements
though i will say,
its not about blame its about legitimate pain,
i have mentioned I am extremely proactive, its not about that he thought i made wrong decisions,
i didnt stay in a bad marriage for 28 yrs i suffered and probably still am for 28 years despite being very proactive,
i do focus on good but legitimate pain comes up at times no need to try to put me down for that! though on forums there will always be those who will.
comparing my situation to others can have some legitimate points but it can also be incorrect when there are various major critical differences.

its hard to clarity every detail in a post and unnecesary as i only wanted one thing veiwpoints of how i can look at the pain i feel about my brother.

some people legitimately want to help and express things respectfully.forums are full of all types sincere and bullies,those who try to help and those who perhaps misunderstand the balance of things mentioned, or simply want drama and a feeling and superiority and lack the sensitivity needed for others pain or emotional issues. they show more about themselves by how they answer than about the situation they are talking about.


lt may be due to insensitivity, or lack of personal insight and experience, or their view colored by some other situation that has some similarity but many very critical differences, , or an excuse to themselves, to let themselves off the hook of being loving. or the lack of clarity about every detail that takes them on a tangent to the specific question. Maybe some feel superior labling many situations blanketly with words that arent the case in that situation.

whatever the case i thank those who gave respectful legitimate options that were helpful.