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Ive been thinking of writing in here for ages.
Im finding it really hard to bond with the baby. Im constantly waiting for something to go wrong.
I dont deserve this baby. I cant even accept that Im pregnant yet. Everyone seems to be so happy about it but I cant accept it. Call it denial. I dont know.
I always thought when I finally got pg Id be jumping off the rooftops happy as can be. I am happy about it I really am, I dont know
No need to respond, I really just needed to get it out.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Oh lovey don't feel bad about the way you feel. It took you a very long time to get pg there probably will be doubts. You will love her very much in your own time. There is no rule that have to now. xxx
Oh and of course you deserve this baby!
Huge hugs. I know how you feel, I felt the same way. Being pregnant was something I longed for so desperately, having a baby, making our family, the whole situation was perfect but I always felt like it was a dream, I was waiting to wake up. I wasn't LT TTC, although we had to wait a while. We weren't able to TTC, but we waited all the same, and when the day came I was excited and so apprehensive. Every scan, every appointment, every time they checked the heartbeat I held my breath, fully expecting to hear those words. When we set up the cot, I cried because I thought I could never have the dream of bringing home a baby, I was totally sure I would never bring her home... it was awful really.
Huge hugs :grouphug: I wish I could help and give advice, but I can't. I do urge you to talk about it though, talk about it with people who have experienced this and understand it, because my experience is that I didn't. I kept it inside. And I felt a real distance between me and Jazz when she was born. I think that is normal for some people, but I think there was a link because I never really saw myself as having a baby. I never thought I'd have a baby. Even afterwards, I saw a baby, but I never saw my baby until she was about 4-6 weeks old.
:comfort: But of course you do. Your baby is going to be brought into such a wonderful, loving, excited family. You'll be awesome!
I wasn't technically LTTTC (although it felt like it to me after 12 months) but I really felt the same way as you. I had become a TTC'er, not a mother in waiting. Stopped believing that it was gunna happen and just "became" just a tryer, not an achiever. Not sure this is making any sense, but I think I get you... big :hug: :hug: :hug:. Your TTC journey didn't go away because you became pregnant, it is still a big part of you. The problems you encountered in LTTTC doesn't necessarily equate to problems in pregnancy, even if we have become accustomed to having problems or setbacks.
:hug: you really do deserve this baby, you have waited for her for so long.
:hug: :hug: Your going to be an awesome mummy!
Oh sweetie you deserve this baby :hug:
I'm starting to think that for a lot of us that are LTTTCers, these feelings go with the pregnancy and birth. Because we have been waiting for so long, its not quite real when we actually fall pregnant. I know myself the road was very hard, and I had a high risk pregnancy, so I was waiting for something to go wrong. Even my Mum said that she held her breath for 9 months. I really, really enjoyed being pregnant, but there were days that I was concerned whether it was all going to happen.
Just after DS was born, I actually had a moment where the enormity of what we had done came crashing in on me. It was when I was packing up the maternity clothes - and I realised that I had truly had a baby, that this was real. I had to get out of the house and go for a walk, just to calm myself down.
For me, I love my baby boy more and more each day - but there are still times where it doesn't feel quite real. So yes - I definitely get where you are coming from.
You've waited so long for this baby, of course you deserve it. It's quite normal not to feel all excited, don't feel guilty about it. All the feelings will come in time.
For me, the feelings didn't come till bub was several weeks old.
So true S. I wonder if there's a bit of 'survivors guilt' in there as well - each time I've gotten that BFP, I could give you a dozen names of women who had been trying longer than me who deserved it more.
PX / Maruschke - nail on head woman. I said something similar in a blog post once, TTC and pregnancy doesn't lead to a baby, I wish I knew what did *sad smile*
Ahurani - try and get excited hun :) You're never gonna get this time back, and it's a beautiful, magical time. Nobody in their right mind would hold it against you, and nobody feels you don't deserve it either :grouphug:
I felt EXACTLY this way until the day she was born. Total denial. Like, I was pregnant but there was no baby there that was going to be mine.
:hug:
It's LTTTC that does it babe. Honest. You're going to be an amazing mummy.
I posted something like this when I was around 28 weeks pregnant. I can totally relate to what you are feeling. (here is the link if you're interested : https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...nk-121179.html and the responses I got were awesome)
Unfortunately there are no magic words to make you feel better. But what I will say is that you are pregnant, there is a baby in there and soon you'll get to meet her.
It's because you've wanted a baby for so long, now it's happening and you're terrified to get too attached in case something happens. Well, that's how it was for me anyway.......(not saying that is what is happening for you)
Huge hugs babe xxxx
:hug:
oh darlin Ahurani :hug: :hug: :hug:
What you are feeling is sooooo incredibly normal after LTTTC! Its been a battle to get this little miracle and its so hard to shift from the mind set that something 'will go wrong', or that 'someone will take it away', you can only take each day as it comes and slowly but surely you will bond, inch by inch with this precious being.
You DESERVE this child, you DESERVE the love that this child will have for you and you DESERVE every little growth and movement and kick that will come. If you have battled LTTTC then you deserve a lifetime of beauty and amazing times with this child and you will have them in time. You are not ungrateful or unworthy, you are scared and that is understandable!
I was certain Id be ecstatic about my pregnancy if it ever happened and Id never complain of sickness, my pregnancy quite simply, almost killed me and it was hard, I didnt feel much for this thing that was making me so sick and whilst I thought scans were cool and cute, I never pieced that this little bubba was in ME, despite the enormous belly :doh:
Pregenancy is such a hard time and for us LTTTC people it lasts far too long for our nerves and terror. But know that very soon you will stare deep into that tiny little humans sleepy eyes and you will be amazed at what a spectacular little person you have created and nurtured for 40ish weeks.
You do deserve this and you are going to be an incredible mumma :hug:
MummaSue: Thats EXACTLY how I feel. Im terrified of getting attached incase something goes wrong, in my head its like I wont be so devastated because I knew something was going to go wrong/in denial iykwim. I read your thread too, the responses helped me alot :)
Synchronicity: I think your right re the being a LTTTC thing.
Thankyou so much everyone for replying, it means so much to me. I feel alot better now I have talked about it.
:grouphug:
Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better babe :hug: PM me anytime xxxxx
Don't feel bad - it's normal to feel this way, and it's ok. I dont' think I really started to bond with DS till he was a week or two old.
Hey Ahurani,
I just want to reiterate what everyone else has already said. It is definitely the LTTTCer thing going on. I think it's only now that I'm starting to bond with my bub. I was always, and still am I waiting for something to go wrong. I kept on feeling like my pregnancy was a dream and I was hallucinating due to the TTC stress and any moment I would wake up and find that I did dream it all. DP was worried about me in the first half of the pregnancy because I barely wanted to talk about it, prepare for the baby or anything.
I've just come back from a pregnancy class at the hospital and they showed a fetal development DVD. I had tears in my eyes as they showed the egg and sperm meet because I felt so inadequate that my body didn't work the way it was supposed to. There are definitely some hangover affects from LTTTC and it affects us all differently. I don't think these feelings will go, but hopefully they will begin to take a back seat at some point.
Be kind to yourself and just take each day as it comes. There will come a point when you are emotionally ready to bond with your baby. It's okay if you're not there yet.
Hun as said above by others, a lot of LTers feel this way.
It wasn't until I was about your stage that I really started to relax and enjoy the pregnancy, mainly because I didn't want to miss out on the experience and I'd read of so many LTers that just didn't enjoy it. Whatever happens for you know that you are normal and that things will get more exciting the closer the time comes for bub to be born. I honestly didn't ever think I was having a 'baby' until they popped DD on my chest and I was amazed! Until then she had been this creature in me which I was excited about but still couldn't quite believe.
However, I did end up enjoying my pregnancy and I think if you are able to put trust in your body and baby it may get easier for you.
I had a mantra given to me by the lovely Acacia (another BB LTer) which may help you too.
"Phoenix and my body are doing what nature designed them to do. My body, mind and spirit is growing in strength and faith and courage as my baby Phoenix grows".
I found this essential to help and over time it became more natural.
Sending you hugs xx