Jack's birthday (may be distressing)
I wrote this the day after we got home from hospital, i havent re-read so please be aware it could be raw.
Thanks to Gigi for the inspiration to post it, i wasnt sure i ever would
At about 1130am on the 8th of February they told me Jack wasn’t alive. Hyperventilating, wandering aimlessly in circles, crying I rang adam to tell him. Then I rang mum.
I was then taken into a room with an ob and a coucilor.i’d seen this particular ob several times through my pregnancy and really liked him so was glad that he was there.
He confirmed the news and said that everything looked perfect and that the most likely cause was a heart attack. He told me it wasn’t my fault and nothing anyone could have done would have prevented it.
He said he’d be back once adam got there. And then I sat alone in that room for about half an hour waiting for anybody to come.
Mum and adam got there, then jane my student midwife. We all just cried. The ob returned and told adam the same things he told me. He asked when we’d like to birth our baby and we decided to do it as soon as possible.
We left the hospital and went to adams mum and dads to break the news to them and to tell charlotte.
I got down on my hands and knees and told her that her baby brother jack was soooo special because he was an angel in heaven.
We went home and showered, I unpacked things from my hospital bag that we wouldn’t need, we cried doing it, taking out all his little outfits bar one.
Back at the hospital we were tken to our delivery room at 430. We weren’t seen to till about 1030.
A canula was put in and they took about 12 vials of blood. Then the ob broke my water which I didn’t realise he was doing, thought he was just going to see if I was dilating or anything. As soon as a felt its warmth I lost it completely. I’d been longing for the past two weeks to feel that warmth and now I had and it was the worst feeling ever.
They started the synto drip and I sat on the toilet for a while leaking. Then sat on the bed sitting in a pool of amniotic fluid making jokes about the local floods we’d just had and that we’d soon need a boat to get out of the room.
I laboured until about 5am with the help of Jane as adam was asleep, she was amazing, many times i felt myself starting to loose it and she'd bring me back and get me centred again, i wouldnt have been able to do it again, it was here i needed to know how i was going and requested an exam. My cervix was still posterior so was pulled forward and I was told that I was about 5cms dilated. It was at this point, pain and exhaustion hit me and I requested an epidural. No one questioned me, an anaesthetist was there in about 20mins and the epi put in. I tried to sleep but was shaking too much I thought I might fall off the bed.
Midwives changed over and at about 830 the new midwife said she needed to put a catheter in. once she was organised she lifted the blanket and said ur about to meet ur little boy. Catheter went in and she guided to me to push. It was a bizzare thing, trying to push when u can feel absolutely nothing. His head was out in about 3 pushes but then his shoulders were stuck, another midwife came in and did her thing, I knew he had been born because I felt that instant relief in my belly, like a tonne of bricks being lifted.
Then he was on my chest, warm, gooey and sweet smelling. I unconciuosly rubbed his back and patted his bum. I stroked his little face and kissed him. Adam cut his cord and just cried.
I held him for about 2 hours, I couldn’t move so why should we do anything else except stare at him and keep him warm.
He was then weighed and measured and wrapped up. The diabetes doctors wanted me to eat and adam was asked if he wanted to hold his son. He previously told me that he wasn’t sure he even wanted to see him , so I told him that if he didn’t want to it was fine and we could put him in his cot. But he took him, sat down and hunched over his little son cried like I’ve never seen a man cry before. Even though my heart had already been shattered into a million pieces it broke all over again.my man, my strong man’s man completely broken.
After I ate we bathed our boy and dressed him. Then told ppl if they wanted to visit and see him they could. The girls came up and met their little brother, charlotte was amazing telling everyone that jack was her angel brother and that he died but that was ok because he was in heaven.
When everyone left I picked up jack and layed down on the bed with him, adam came and layed down too and we all slept for an hour or so.
At 730 we decided it was time to go. We hugged him and kissed him and told him we loved him and left him in the arms of the midwife who promised she’d look after him.
We walked out of their both crying, me cuddling a blue teddy, everyone stared at us as we walk out, I felt like yeling at them all.
We got home and it was surreal. We went out the back and had a drink and said cheers to Jack. We cried a lot, I went to bed but couldn’t sleep so got back up to see if adam was ok, then we both went to bed, he hugged me and we cried ourselves to sleep.
