Overweight 12 year old

My daughter, who will be 13 in 3 weeks is overweight. I send her healthy food for lunch and provide her with good sized healthy meals for whenever she is at home, but if she goes to her Dad's on the weekend or to friends houses, she eats lots of food, usually junk if it is an option.

I have tried exerciseing with her, making it up to her to watch what she eats, getting angry at her, being nice and sympathetic, everything I can think of.

Her dad and I don't talk - he doesn't like me, but I am considering sending him a letter or text to see if he will discuss this with me, or at least tell him of my concerns. His dad has diabeties, and his mum just passed away (she was over 100kg), so I don't want to say anything too soon to her passing - maybe in a month or so when it's not so raw.

Any ideas?

Is she involved in a team sport? Joining a netball team might help her to enjoy exercise.
TV? We have got rid of ours and my boys are moving more.

She rarely watches TV at home, perhaps a few hours per week. When she is at her dad's she does though. And I can't see him turning it off cause i ask him to.

As for sports, we've tried that too. Because she is at her dad's on weekends, and he's not real keen for her to participate, because it's something I want her to do (and even if she asks, he knows it's cause of me) there is not a lot of enthusiasm. She has only lasted a season in two different sports. She has just started a new school this year and none of her friends do weekend sports, if they did, it would be easier.

She goes running/walking with her grandma once a week and I try to run/walk with her at least once a week too.

If she has emotional eating issues then maybe working with a psychologist to adress her relationship with food could be an idea.

How overweight is overweight?
Girls at around this age tend to have a bit of puppy fat. I know I and my sisters all did at around 12-13 and it all started falling off when I was 14-15. Just be careful!! Weight is such a touchy issue!
f she's eating well, exercises and is happy, I'd personally leave it (unless she's hugely overweight and it's affecting her health).

Good luck with it.

Fitness and Dance - check them out. maybe she'd like dancing and they are week nights
I also found last night a online personal trainer who works with kids if your interested

Good luck with her dad...

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How overweight is overweight?
Girls at around this age tend to have a bit of puppy fat. I know I and my sisters all did at around 12-13 and it all started falling off when I was 14-15. Just be careful!! Weight is such a touchy issue!
f she's eating well, exercises and is happy, I'd personally leave it (unless she's hugely overweight and it's affecting her health).

Good luck with it.

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I agree with the above. At this critical age weight is a huge thing for them.

Little athletics in my area was done on a Friday night 7pm-9pm is this something she might be interested in also? If not, perhaps dance like danielle suggested?

It sounds like you are trying your best, and perhaps she does have an emotional eating disorder? Has your DD just all of a sudden packed on the weight? Could her Grandma's passing have anything to do with it?

She is going through puberty, and our hormones are wonderful to us at the best of times (not!) so perhaps it is just puberty?

Good luck with her dad too - I hope he is able to be mature enough to support you in this (by the sounds of it he wont though)

Does she care that she's overweight? I know when I started getting a bit chubby and my nan started pointing it out to me and trying to get me dieting, I just ate more and more junk to spite her. Her harping on about it ruined what might have been a good relationship, and made me hate seeing her. Technically I'm obese now (I'm short and carry weight around my hips, I actually just look a bit heavyset) and while I know it's mostly my fault, some fault has to lay with the person who cared more about what I looked like than how happy I was.


Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks ;)

I agree with Niadalla. Unless she is hugely overweight to the point where it is unhealthy I would be backing off. Her same-sex parent putting so much emphasis on her weight is not a good thing, regardless of whether or not it is motivated by concern. I guarantee she is fully aware of it if she has weight issues, the kids at school and modern media would have made sure of that, and she doesn't need someone who is meant to love her no matter what sending the unsaid message that there is something wrong with her. If overeating is emotionally based it will not help. If it is based on rebellion it will not help. The best thing you can do is provide a good roll model, and allow her to follow when SHE chooses to.

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I agree with Niadalla. Unless she is hugely overweight to the point where it is unhealthy I would be backing off. Her same-sex parent putting so much emphasis on her weight is not a good thing, regardless of whether or not it is motivated by concern. I guarantee she is fully aware of it if she has weight issues, the kids at school and modern media would have made sure of that, and she doesn't need someone who is meant to love her no matter what sending the unsaid message that there is something wrong with her. If overeating is emotionally based it will not help. If it is based on rebellion it will not help. The best thing you can do is provide a good roll model, and allow her to follow when SHE chooses to.

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:yeahthat:

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If she has emotional eating issues then maybe working with a psychologist to adress her relationship with food could be an idea.

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That could be an idea. Are there any out there that bulk bill?

I do think it is more just being bored and the fact that it tastes yummy.

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How overweight is overweight?
Girls at around this age tend to have a bit of puppy fat. I know I and my sisters all did at around 12-13 and it all started falling off when I was 14-15. Just be careful!! Weight is such a touchy issue!
f she's eating well, exercises and is happy, I'd personally leave it (unless she's hugely overweight and it's affecting her health).

Good luck with it.

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She is 58kg and about 150cm tall. So she's in the middle of the 'overweight' range. It's not just now - we've been battling this since she was about 7. The problem is that she only exercises when we make her.

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Fitness and Dance - check them out. maybe she'd like dancing and they are week nights
I also found last night a online personal trainer who works with kids if your interested

Good luck with her dad...

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Yep, we've tried fitness and dance, but we ended up spending a fortune on uniforms and costumes and she only went to half the performances (they were on the weekends) cause her dad wouldn't always take it. It ended up costing us more than the good it was doing for her. She does want to do cheerleading next year at school though, so that will be really good for her and she is going to use her pocket money to help pay for it, so she will have to stick with it. Unfortunately cause the school year had started she had to wait till next year :(

Please post or PM me the details of the PT. That might be an idea.

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I agree with the above. At this critical age weight is a huge thing for them.

Little athletics in my area was done on a Friday night 7pm-9pm is this something she might be interested in also? If not, perhaps dance like danielle suggested?

It sounds like you are trying your best, and perhaps she does have an emotional eating disorder? Has your DD just all of a sudden packed on the weight? Could her Grandma's passing have anything to do with it?

She is going through puberty, and our hormones are wonderful to us at the best of times (not!) so perhaps it is just puberty?

Good luck with her dad too - I hope he is able to be mature enough to support you in this (by the sounds of it he wont though)

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She goes to her dad's straight after school on a Friday, so Little A's is no good - nor does she want to do it.

No, the weight has always been an issue. It's an issue on her dad's side, so I guess it's partly genetic too. :( Thanks for the GL with her dad. I hope he'll be helpful. I think he might be. Will just leave it a few weeks to let him get over his mum a little bit before I approach him. The last thing he wants right now is a phone call from me!

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Does she care that she's overweight? I know when I started getting a bit chubby and my nan started pointing it out to me and trying to get me dieting, I just ate more and more junk to spite her. Her harping on about it ruined what might have been a good relationship, and made me hate seeing her. Technically I'm obese now (I'm short and carry weight around my hips, I actually just look a bit heavyset) and while I know it's mostly my fault, some fault has to lay with the person who cared more about what I looked like than how happy I was.


Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks ;)

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Yes, she does care that she is overweight. She wants to be thin, but doesn't want to do what she has to (eat right & exercise) to get there.

Thanks for the comment about your Nan. I am trying to push that I don't care if she's overweight, but her Pa has diabetes and being overweight will make her even more susceptible to that and other health issues. I am trying to make it about health - but perhaps I do need to lay off a bit, once I talk to her Dad and see that he is going to try and increase her exercise and limit the amount of junk food in the house over there.

She did tell me yesterday that he was trying to lose weight too, so maybe this is good timing??

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I agree with Niadalla. Unless she is hugely overweight to the point where it is unhealthy I would be backing off. Her same-sex parent putting so much emphasis on her weight is not a good thing, regardless of whether or not it is motivated by concern. I guarantee she is fully aware of it if she has weight issues, the kids at school and modern media would have made sure of that, and she doesn't need someone who is meant to love her no matter what sending the unsaid message that there is something wrong with her. If overeating is emotionally based it will not help. If it is based on rebellion it will not help. The best thing you can do is provide a good roll model, and allow her to follow when SHE chooses to.

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Thanks for your honesty. Makes a lot of sense.

Honestly, I really wouldn't push her to do anything. I don't consider 58kgs to be grossly overweight by any means. I know that that's what doctors and their silly little books say, but please don't go by that.
Honestly, if she's happy and eats well most of the time, has no issues herself and hasn't asked for help then I'd personally just let her go. At her age she is unlikely to put on a heap of weight she's more likely to gain height which will balance out her weight nicely. I bet by the age of 15 it's no longer a problem.

You sound like a wonderful caring Mum who only wants the best for her daughter. Good on you! I just have a bit of experience and people telling me I was overweight and telling me that I needed to lose weight has not done me any good at all and probably had the opposite affect (as well as totally beaten down my self confidence ensuring that I rarely ask for anyone's help).

BUT you know your daughter. I think if you think it needs to be taken more seriously, maybe you could talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Best of luck for you and your daughter. xx

Just wanted to say Joey good on you for doing something though and being concerned. I think my parents pushed the "we love you no matter what shape you are" a bit too much and not enough of the "we love you so we want you to be healthy". So it's great to be doing something and I think about making it about a healthy lifestyle (and not neccessarily results) is a great approach. But you do need to talk to her Dad. You can make a healthy environment at your place, but that needs to be mirrored at her Dad's too.