Does it EVER get easier?

I went to a one year olds birthday party today. It was really tough to keep my happy face in place. Tonight I just feel like crying and I've been weird and overly sensitive with DP all afternoon/evening. I wish I had a one year old too :(

I have been trying to wrap my head around the fact that we probably can't have any more kids naturally for over 12 months now (and IVF is likely to be emotionally tricky as we'd need donor sperm and DP and I haven't even discussed that option at this point). I don't seem to be making any progress towards that elusive acceptance concept.

For those of you who've been trying for ages, does it get easier to accept eventually? Do you just give up hope of conceiving naturally as a way to cope or do you cling to tiny shreds of it (despite your best intentions) regardless and just somehow learn to accept the situation?

I'm sorry if this doesn't seem to be in the right place, I don't think there's a better spot. We seem to be in quite a unique situation with regards to our fertility situation and that can be quite isolating at times.

Kaz, sorry, I dont know your situation, but I can relate to how you're feeling. We have been trying for years, including too many IVF cycles to think about. I have recently turned 41 so half the time I feel like it is game over.

I know that it is definitely over in terms of it ever happening naturally.

I dont think you ever get over it, but I think over the past few months I have become more resigned to the idea that it just wont ever happen for us. At times I am at peace with it. Othertimes I'm not. But, try as I might, I just cant give up. I'm not ready to I guess. So I keep ploughing along with IVF, praying, taking supplements, trying to lose weight, researching.....whatever I can do to possibly make it happen. Honestly, I dont think I will ever really stop trying until I reach menopause or some other finale. I guess then, like every other woman in the world, I wont have any choice but to accept it.

I hope you find peace with your situation x

i don't know if it's necessarily easier, but i think after a period of time, you learn to compartmentalise things differently, so it doesn't FEEL so hard right in the here and now - but then when you do fall apart, it's a big meltdown

well, that's what happened to me!

~Kaz~ :hug: I know you weren't posting for hugs but you are in a unique situation. It must be hard to want to be TTC but not really be able to for such a long time. I think it's seem totally reasonable to cling to hope, and dream of a 'miracle'.
We have a vent forum too, in case you are having a particularly bad day and want to cyber-scream, or just let off steam.

Ive tried to repond to this several times and I cant find the words I want to explain the answers Im trying to. It never got easier for me and it still isnt. I find my first response to IRL births, pregnancies etc are often earth shattering. Its not easier but it is different iykwim. Dont ever ever give up hope, without hope of oneday getting there you really have nothing left to cling to. :comfort: I really dont think it is something you can ever truely let go but I do hope you find your 'ok' place.

I don't know about easier. It changes and it changes you.

I guess it's like any sort of grief, you adapt to it and carry on with it. Sometimes it's manageable, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it gets easier to carry it with time. You never get over it, though, because it's always a part of you.

Spot on Juniper and MadB!

I can't add anything but :hug:
You are not alone- we are all here if you need to talk, vent, scream- whatever!

Thanks for your replies and support.

I think the 'grief' aspect is the part I struggle with. It is changing me, and I don't like it. With DP's cancer, it changed me too but I think it changed me for the better and my outlook on life is so much healthier now (emotionally and otherwise). I know that sounds weird, cause it's the most traumatic thing I've ever been through, but 12 months on, I am definitely changed for the better.

This fertility thing feels like it's changing me for the worse. I am becoming bitter and jealous and depressed about it :( Maybe it's just part of the process to becoming more accepting or something. But it infiltrates every part of my life if I let it. Even my relationship with my DS which makes me sad.

Maybe I just need to stop expecting it to get easier with time. Then it won't hit so hard when it hasn't.

going through cancer and coming out the other side is very different to going through infertility - they both change you, but HOW they change you is massively different. Our cancer journey with DH has been NOTHING in comparison to yours, so my experience is very different - but I can assure you, it HAS changed me. it has changed my focus, it has forced me to focus on what we've overcome, what we've achieved to come through it - to see the positives. it has forced me to be the strength for him when he couldn't be that for himself, and it has made me a better person - even though it's only been a couple of months. it's made me stronger, and it really has re-focussed me. every step we took, i could see something coming out of it - a step towards the end game

infertility isn't like that - it felt like every step forward was followed by ten steps back. the end game seemed unattainable at times. it depleted me of strength instead of reinforcing the strength i had. it turned me into a shell of myself. i couldn't rally that strength for myself because it simply wasn't there.

definitely very different battles and mindsets to get through

Thanks BG :hug:

And likewise, our situation with infertility now is NOTHING in comparison to your journey.

They are apples and oranges though and it's good to be reminded of that because I think sometimes I compare the two and wonder why I don't cope better with this, given I was so strong when it was cancer I needed to deal with. Especially since DP's survival was the end game and he got there and so it feels really selfish or petty to be so upset about not having any more kids. Especially when I already am lucky enough to have one.

Something to keep in mind through this is that this is possibly dragging up a lot of the grief and anger that you thought you had already dealt with regarding the cancer. Just when it feels like everything is going to be ok, yiu have the flow on effect from your DH's treatment coming back and biting you. It's got a flow on effect so you are probably feeling like yiu can never get away from that fight and that stress. So as well as the fertility, you're reliving part of that cancer journey...

It may not be that at all, but it's something to be mindful of. I thought I was coping ok the past few weeks. I felt stressed but day to day things were happening as they needed to. Then we got the news that they got all the cancer and it's just recovery now - and I've started to all apart. I'm sick, I'm struggling to get out of bed. Things that were issues before the C word got out on hold to help him get through this, and now it feels like its all right there again. But in a more concentrated form!

Do you have someone that you were talking to through your husbands treatment that you may be able to speak to about this flow on and the impact it is having on you?

huge hugs hun
no it doesnt get any easier- you just learn to live with it not as raw
everytime family or friends would annouce they were expecting another baby, it would rip me to the core. I wanted to poke their eyes out
when they whinged about their kids or complained to me about their kids, I would want to slap them so they could remember how lucky they were to have kids to complain about to start with
It took us 5 years and 3 IVF rounds to get our twins
then another 4 cycles that included a m/c before we got our 'natural' miracle boof
there is 6 years in between our kids for that reason and we tried full on from when the twins were 10 months old to have more kids!!
every single AF would kill me
but you learn to adjust your mindset to cope
what got me through was to make sure I was always doing something pro-active to help improve our chances of conceiving, even when we were giving IVF a break
I gave up caffenine for 5 years
I started making sure my water count was good
I saw either a Natropath to get herbs to help my cycle, a TCM practictioner who did a/p on me (and i credit with our natural success!!!), an osteopath to help regulate my hormones
anything that would help- track my cycle, temp- i knew my cycle so well that I could tell when I would ovulate and what side from!!!
I also got DH to take Menivet - which improves sperm quality
you can also take other vitamins to help in this dept.

I found the pro-active approach meant that at least I was still working on the 'project' and I was at least on track to making it 'happen'

hang in there hun- we are all here for you!!!!

BG I think you're right. I'm only just reading this thread again tonight but this morning I realised this issue is connected to how long it took to get a diagnosis when he first got sick, the number of biopsies he had to do, the number of drs and specialists he saw out here and how none of them would admit him even though he was literally on deaths door. It made me angry then but now I look back and think that if they (the medical system generally) had acted faster, even by a week or two back then, he may have been able to produce a sperm sample (he did try without luck before chemo started) so that we could do IVF now. So I am angry all over again. And I regret not jumping up and down more back then, although I don't know it would have made any difference.

Det - thanks mate. When I think of how long it took people like you and BG and others to even become parents, I feel selfish and like a petty whinger (and I know that's not how you see me or mean by your posts).

I said to DP last night that I need to focus on what I have, not what I have lost, because that's the only true way to be happy, regardless of the details. It's hard though. He is happy with one child. He is not interested in IVF with donor sperm. I do respect his views but I would do anything, go through any IVF, any ****ty birth experience, have another PPH twice as bad, another horrible cs, just to have another baby.

The hard part is, no one will say never. They say highly unlikely, don't get your hopes up, we're not optimistic. They also say it could take another 3-5 yrs, if at all. It's hard because we have no way of knowing if his fertility will return or not. There are some options, but we have to wait to see if they are even on the table. For a girl who used to have to take multiple precautions to prevent pg, (and still would with a fertile partner) this out of my control limbo is tough to accept.

Thanks for reading. I didn't talk much IRL during the cancer and this has been similar.

Sent from my phone.

IMHO limbo is the hardest part to deal with.

~Kaz~ - I did want to ask if they ever thought DH would be infertile forever, but i didn't want to pry.

I can see how every month you are going to cross your fingers and hope that this one will be the one, and then wait for two weeks for AF to turn up. It's a truly ****ty situation.
And unlike a lot of LTTTCers there is nothing you can do to better your chances or improve your odds. Supplements, fertile diets, drugs, laps etc, aren't much use to you.
Then there will be answer the intrusive and infuriating questions which will come. :wall:
You definitely don't need to feel like you are selfish or petty. In ANY way. In my situation I could be angry with my own infertility, i could do things to improve my chances of pg, i could do IVF. I could fight. It's tiring, but at least i could do something all the time. I didn't have any expectation on me to 'feel happy' for what i had. So i could be angry and grumpy and sad as much as i liked!! And, whilst it's wonderful to always feel like you are grateful for what you have - you are fully entitled to feel ripped of and sad and mourn what you have lost - or what might have been.

Hindsight is cruel. Of course if you had known then what you know now, you'd have jumped up and down more when DH was sick. But you didn't know. Don't beat yourself up about that. :hug:

I don't know your story, but I just wanted to pop in and give you some :hug: because I understand the frustration with Lttc.
I guess my way of coping is to just be numb. I don't think it ever gets easier so just being numb gives me some peace.

Lenny, thank you for your comments. They are pretty much spot on for how I feel and what has been happening the past 9-12 months. I hadn't thought of the expectation to be happy as another load to bear but it probably is.

I used to wait each month, and actually had a couple of times where I was late and I got my hopes up :( The Andrology (is that the right word?) Dr. he saw last month said there was nothing DP could do or take to help his sperm come back. Recent testing of his FSH levels indicate there is nothing happening. His body is trying to make sperm, but the process and hormones involved are very sensitive to the type of chemo he ended up needing to have :( It makes sense cause that chemo nearly killed him and I guess from an evolutionary, survival of the fittest type perspective, he's been very badly poisoned and might not be capable of making healthy sperm or a healthy baby etc. There is nothing we can do until and unless that FSH level comes down because that indicates he might be starting to produce again. Anyway, at least for now, and for the next 6-12 months I know there is no possibility and I won't be getting my hopes up like I was when AF is a day or four late ;)

The intrusive questions have been happening, mostly from people at work with whom I have not shared DP's situation, so they don't know any better. But sometimes the question comes from people who do know his history but don't realise the effects of high dose chemo on the reproductive system. And then it gets awkward because I usually have to point it out and I hate other people knowing that we can't but we want to. It's way too private for me. I prefer the question from total strangers or people who don't know because then I can make a joke and avoid answering without telling them anything. I think I will start lying though to everyone and telling people we only want one and (not quite the lie!) that we are happy with our family the way it is. Maybe if I hear myself saying it out loud it will help.

Thanks for all the replies and support. I really appreciate it, especially since I haven't been around here much lately and there is no one IRL that I can talk to that really gets it. I have been feeling like I'm the only one in this situation and although I wish I was (and that no one had to be in the LTTC situation EVER), it's lovely to feel understood by those who know what it's like. :hug:

Tasha :hug: numb and switched off to it is my preferred state too......