Missed miscarriage at 19 weeks
I'm 38, I have been blessed with two beautiful little girls aged 2 and 4.. Born without any problems. My husband and I found out we were pregnant a third time and were excited and busy making plans for the future. We had bought a bigger car, got our girls sharing a bedroom so we could start preparing the baby's room. We were innocent and completely naive to what could go wrong. I had terrible morning sickness that lasted a full 3 months, sensitive and swollen rock hard breasts. We had a dating scan at 7 weeks.. Everything was going perfectly as always.
At 17 weeks I started to have a reoccurring nightmare.. The first time I had the dream I woke up crying and when my husband asked what I had dreamt.. I replied, "I can't even say it out loud". I just put it down to those crazy pregnant dreams. At 18 weeks I started to feel unusually still inside.. I was worried sick about baby's sudden lack of movement and my husband assured me everything was fine and it was probably just hard to concentrate on movements when I'm busy chasing after our other young daughters. As our 20 week scan approached I was filled with dread that something was wrong.. I suddenly, after months of feeling hot all the time.. I felt really cold.. I was practically sitting on the heater.
On August 2nd we went off to our 20 week ultrasound.. I was 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Family all excited about finding out if we would be having a boy or another girl. The guy doing the ultrasound.. He's face said it all and I knew immediately that my nightmare had come true. He ran to get another senior staff member that confirmed it.. "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat" I let out a terrible howl.. A sound that didn't even sound like me.. I sobbed all the way to the hospital where we were told we had the option to wait a few days for my body to begin labour naturally and that would have taken us to over 20 weeks when we would have been classed as "stillbirth" instead of "miscarriage".. But to us it made no difference.. This baby we had already loved, already made part of our family was gone.
I returned home and prepared to go back the following morning to be induced. We picked up our 4 year old from pre school and explained to her, " the baby isn't in mummy's tummy anymore.. God decided to give her wings and she had to fly to heaven.. Mummy has to go to hospital cause baby had to leave so fast she left her sleeping bag behind.. The doctors are going to help mummy get it out" it was the hardest conversation I have ever had in my life.. But she deserved an explanation and it was the simplest most honest thing I could think of to say to her to make her understand without freaking her out with the details that she was too young to understand anyway. I barely slept and cried constantly..
The next morning we arrived at hospital.. The vaginal suppositories were administered twice before labour began.. By 8.30pm contractions were in full swing.. The labour ward was busy and obviously priority was given to the 'live' babies. My husband and i went through it all by ourselves.. Finally a midwife appeared just in time as our baby girl was born... The cord wrapped tightly around her neck 3 times. Nothing could have prepared us for the sight of our beautiful perfectly formed lifeless tiny doll. She was so peaceful, my most vivid memory is of her beautiful long fingers. I held her for what now seems like fleeting moments.. We wept over her tiny frame and named her and I told her how sorry I was, and how much we loved her.
I asked to leave after that.. The cries of the other newborns on the ward was just like a knife to my heart. So we left the maternity ward at midnight.. With nothing but the little blanket she was wrapped in.
I have cried more than I thought was physically possible. I have been racked with guilt over the 'would of-could of -should of's' . We had her cremated and now I wear some of my baby girls cremains in an ash pendant close to my heart.
It has been so hard, I hold my first two girls so much closer. I look at them with new appreciation. I realise for the first time.. How precious life is.. And the struggle tiny humans go through just to make it into this world.
My 4 yo still randomly asks questions about her baby sister and heaven etc. the pain of loosing my baby girl is overwhelming and never goes away.. But now a month has passed and everyday the normality of daily life slowly comes back. I have just started my first period and its excruciatingly painful.. But no physical pain is worse than the pain of not getting to know my youngest daughter.
I wanted to share my story and hope that it helps other grieving parents. It feels like a long lonely road.
Missed miscarriage at 19 weeks
So sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. May she rest in peace. Sending love and strength to your family and yourself xo
