Can I bag out other sites??

Okay, I wont name names but I saw a pregnancy & parenting website run by a major nappy brand advertised on TV... being dubious straight away I decided to see what 'advice' they were offering anyway.

Arrgghh!! The settling to sleep techniques for a NEWBORN baby include no eye contact, warnings not to allow baby to fall asleep in your arms, reminders that if they sleep less than an hour to resettle before picking them up... !!!!

What is going on with parenting?? What happened to instinct and basic nurturing for a teeny little, fresh from the womb bubba? It makes me so sad I could cry.

To me, that advice worked with DD1 and i have continued it with DD2 and i have perfect sleepers from a very young age. No eye contact helps as it lets bub know its not play time, but time to sleep. Also not talking to them helps.

Yes it does seem not nice...but it works (well for me it has).

It seems so detached and not at all natural... if my tiny baby wants to stare in my eyes while he drifts off with me holding him then that's what we're doing. I wish more babies were getting that contact :(

Ren, I've often snuggled my babies to sleep, and co-sleep for the first six weeks or so, but apparently eye contact, for newborns, is very stimulating. It can really over-tire them, so perhaps that's why that was suggested?

Ren I totally agree with you, for me it feels like I can't comfort my baby properly without being able to look into their eyes. I personally would be far more stressed if I was upset & overtired and the person trying to calm me down wouldn't look me in the eye, so I don't see the difference for a bay.

The eye contact thing is just one example from a long list of stuff they advise. It's so clinical and it upsets me... it's also mostly just twaddle and not research or instinst based parenting. I can't believe this stuff keeps getting advocated.

I think it's really sad too. I mean, at night when you snuggle up to your partner and try to connect at night, how much would it be upsetting if they wouldn't give you eye contact? Just didn't look at you... no matter what you did.

I think connection is a big part of gentle parenting and it really gets that oxytocin flowing for both mother and child.

the no eye contact thins I have used in the past, not so much when they need to be settled but when they are calm but just not going to sleep. I will often look away or I look towards them with my eyes closed, in my head this shows them, look nothing to stay awake for Mummy is asleep too LOL. but the rest is just crap to me.

OT but The lady that runs my Mothers Group at the moment was a Tweedle worker and im sick to death of hearing what she advises. I can't believe they even take newborns at places like that. Its horrible.

Yep sadly so many people running groups like this and MCHN only know and advocate such sleeping methods. Hey you'll have to email me her details so I can send some of my post natal support workshop flyers to her, Pinky will be there as well as lots of other gentle parenting people - hopefully she'll come along!!!

I could never do that to my babies. They are a precious gift that are only small for a tiny amount of time. I don't care if I have no sleep. They deserve to be cuddled and spoiled.

True, Kelly. (re: the connection eye-contact gives)
I wonder if, for newborns, when they are taking soooooo much in because the world is all new to them, that when they are tired, the eye-contact might be too much. I would definitely go with snuggling and body contact, and nursing to sleep at times - all wonderful ways to connect and relax and wind down.
And, honestly, if you want eye-contact with your baby in the evening, by all means, go for it! I don't think it will do any harm, and I'm certainly not opposed to it! I just think that there might be some valid reasons for suggesting that parents avoid it with a tired newborn.

No eye contact? I don't know how not to look at someone when I feel love and affection towards them. I wonder who decided that eye contact was stimulating, because I personally find eye contact with someone to be calming, being indicative that they're being attentive and responsive, and were focussed on my needs, and I would instinctively behave the same way towards my child.

Newborns dont always focus on you, but as they grow, they eventually do connect through their eyes to your eyes, and I don't want to miss a minute of that. I can understand how it might work though, because theoretically, if you don't respond to a baby through eye contact, then the baby learns not to look for responsiveness from you. That's the trade off, I expect.

Ren, I'm def with you on this one. I think that sort of information is a HORRIBLE. Eye contact has such an important part to play in bonding with your baby, and in those early days develping those strong bonds are just so important. I mean, you didn't get to know and bond with your husband by not looking into his eyes, did you??

I feel so sad to think of all the mums that follow that kind of advice :(, and miss out on all that special time watching their little one's beautiful facial expressions as they snuggle into you. To miss that would be devastating IMO, I don't care if it makes a "good" sleeper. I want to enjoy my babies, every moment is so precious.

OK, I stole this from another site (drgreene) It just came up when I googled this topic.

DrGreene Content


"Several types of environmental stimuli can alter her internal rhythm. The most powerful wake-up activity is direct eye contact. When your baby locks eyes with you, it's almost like she's drinking a double latte -- her heart rate speeds up, her blood pressure rises a bit, and she becomes more awake. Babies also tend to become more alert when exposed to bright lights, the sound of conversational speech (they want to know what everybody's talking about), and having their feet tickled and played with.

When actively trying to switch a new baby's time clock, have bright lights on in the house during daylight hours. Keep up a steady stream of talking in normal conversational tones around your daughter during the day. Play with her feet often, and make eye contact with her whenever you can.

As soon as the sun begins to go down, purposely avoid all of these things. When you feed her, try not to make eye contact with her. Speak only in whispers or sing-song tones. Sing lullabies. Have the lights dim in the house. And don't stimulate her feet.

Of course, some daytime naps are appropriate, and your daughter should be awake at night for feedings. The goal is to try to move your daughter's primary awake time to the daylight hours. By following the above suggestions, her rhythm should change fairly rapidly. Doing this for as little as two or three days and nights will make a dramatic difference. You can help her body learn the rhythm that daytime is for excitement, play, and interaction while nighttime is for cuddling and sleeping."

Just some thoughts! I don't think ANYONE would recommend no eye contact with your baby! Just tone it down a little when they are tired! Snuggle instead.

I have to admit to agreeing with some of what Dr Greene said, my heart picks up speed and I become more alert too when I connect with someone I care about. And again I can see how what he's saying might work - don't connect with them and they won't be as aroused. But there are a heap of opposing studies that say being responsive equates to a more secure child, so if eye contact means baby is as excited to see me and I am to see him, then that's a pretty good result in my book, day or night.

I haven't had time to read through all of the responses, but I wanted to say that I went to a seminar recently where Pinky spoke, and she talked quite a bit about this. She showed video footage of a study done on mothers not responding to their babies, particularly not making eye contact, and it was heartbreaking. I think nearly everyone watching it cried. I understand the theory behind it, but I think you and your baby pay a price for doing it.

They're so tiny for such a small amount of time, it's important to nuture them when they're little.

The funny thing is that when my little bubba he generally doesn't make eye contact anyway. But sometimes he chooses to look up me and I'm glad I'm quietly looking back. Then he usually just gazes off over my head.

The never settle in your arms bit bothered me hugely. The advice was that holding is for feeding, floor is for play and cot is for sleep. Again- arrgghhh!!! Can a newborn never feel the love of falling asleep in mummy's arms? Breaks my heart and gets me worried about the disconnected children we're raising.