Missing my little man

i found out at 38 weeks that my baby had died, i couldnt believe that this had happened, i only had 2 weeks to go, i was so close then to be told that he was gone.....it was just the worst thing to have happened.
1 week later i went into the hospital to have him.......i was inducded at 6 and by 9 i was having major contractions, the first midwife i had was great she was coming in every 15 minutes to check my contractions and just to make sure i was feeling ok, but when she left i was left with a midwife that had no idea what she was doing, i was having horrible pains and all she could offer me was a heat pack.
From 4 until 6 i was in the shower just trying to get rid of the pain myself with the hot water but it was doing nothing at all, the midwife did not come in once to check on me and it wasnt until my partner woke up that i told him it was time for en epidural.
The midwife took me into the birthing suite and it was there she told me that i had left it to long to have an epidural.....i couldnt believe this i had no idea what was going on and i thought i would still have time as that night they told me that i still wouldnt give birth until late the next day, after alot of screaming and begging she finaly called the doctor...but to my luck she had called the wrong doctor which had never done an epidural before, im not sure how long after but the right doctor was called and i was given my epidural 5 minutes before the pushing began.
To add to the midwifes mistakes she also lied to the nurses and doctors and told them that she had come in to check on me a few times and she said that I was asleep in bed.
I gave birth at 7, the nurses washed my baby and brought him back into me...i am so glad now that i saw him but at the time i didnt want to see him, and that is the same with the photos i thought i would never look at them but nw i dont know what i would do with out them.

His funeral was on the 25th which was ment to be his due date....i just couldnt believe that the day that was ment to be the best day of my life turned out to be the worst.

This is still very recent i only gave birth 3 weeks ago, but i find that writing about it makes me feel so much better, iv gone back to work but think its a little to soon, people dont want to upset me so they avoid me which makes me more upset i would rather them ask me how i am then pretending like nothing has happened....it has happened, i was pregnant, i did lose my baby, i am a mum.....it did happen.

i still am in complete shock and will never understand why this happened, i guess life really isnt fair.

I love you and will never forget you xoxo

So sorry to read of your loss.

BB is a great place for support and understanding, many here have lost babies.

Have you got numbers for SANDS support.

I hope you have supportive caring family and friends.

hugs

xoxoo

I cant even begin to imagine your pain, I am so sorry :hug:

:hug: I am so sorry for your loss. May your little man RIP.

im so sorry your midwife was an inadequate *&%$! and im so sorry for your loss. 3 weeks isnt long at all and I hope you and your DH are being easy on yourselves.

Hey Bonnie, :hug: I miss my little boy as well, although you had 20 weeks on me, I can't even imagine losing a full term baby.
What did you name him? How much did he weigh?
We named our Bub Jayvan, which in latin means Angel. And he weighed 250grams and was 15 cm's long, which I'm told is long for 18 weeks. His dad is 6foot2inches so it's no surprise really!
I remember after he was born I was completly fascinated by his face, it was perfect, and he had the most gorgeous little button nose I have ever seen. He had tiny weeny little fingers and toes with even tinier finger and toe nails.
I'm glad that you held your little boy, that is one thing I will always regret, I never held Jayvan. i just looked at him all rapped up in a tiny blanket. I wish with everything I have that I had given him a big cuddle before he got taken away, but at the time you just can't really think straight, and I know in my heart I did as best as I could.
I hope you have a speedy recovery from the birth, and there are amazing ladies in BB who will always offer you a shoulder to cry on, and will drag you up when you are at your lowest. I don't know what I would have done without them!
Sending you, your DH and your boy lots of love xx

I am so very sorry for you loss bonnie its an aweful thing to go through.

My heart goes out to you and your family
Nae x

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. I wish there were words I could say to take away your pain. Hold those precious memories of your son close to your heart, he will always be with you.

Regards,
Dianne

oh darlin, im so sorry. we can never comprehend your loss, only offer our support.
my heart is with you
be strong

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little boy, I can not even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling.
My heart goes out to you.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your son.. There is great support in here.. I am not sure where you are but you can get in contact with SANDS or Bonnie Babes foundation and they provide support over the phone and also have meetings.. I go to Bonnie Babes meetings once a month and I find it helps.. You can go alone or with a partner, friend whoever.. Just do what you feel comfy with to get the support you need.. :hug:

Bonniew, I am so sorry for your loss :hug: its so very cruel to lose a baby at all, let alone full term. Have your doctors being able to tell you why your son died? It won't take away the pain, but perhaps understanding what happened may help you come to terms with it. It's great that you were able to hold him, he truly know that you loved him. Look after yourself and don't be afraid to take more time off if you need it. Is there someone at work that you can speak to about how you are feeling and how it makes you feel with the way people are reacting? Perhaps they can have a chat to those that work close to you at work about how you feel. People generally don't know what to say when someone is grieving, I can relate. Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry to read of your loss, its heart breaking & no-one should have to go through that kind of loss & pain.
You've come to a great place for support, the girls here are fantastic.
I wish I could find the right words but I cant.
:hug: Take care
Rest In Peace little man xxx

Some people at work have been good but there is one lady who is just being cruel......she told me she understands how i feel because her dog had 6 dead puppies.....pffft really, and she will sit there and tell me how she is going to try for a baby in a few months and how she wants the baby clothes back that she gave me at the baby shower.

I didnt get to hold my baby either the nurse was trying to let me hold him but I didnt want to i was scared that i would hurt him because is skin was very soft....but now i wished i had.
I feel ok during the day its just when i go to bed i start to think about little things that make me upset, like when i brought in clothes for him in the hospital they didnt fit, he was 7 pounds which was a big shock i thought he was going to be tiny, and when i brought clothes for him to wear in his coffin i forgot to bring him socks so i get upset thinking he had cold little feet :(.

Ohh Bonnie, what a horrible thing. It would be bad enough to lose your child but to then have ti deliver him in such horrible circumstances.
I would put in a complaint about that MW, I know it won't help you but you can make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else.
I would just call that lady at work on her cruel comments, if nobody has done it for you. Tell her if she doesn't have anything supportive to say then please don't say anything at all.
Sending you lots of strength and support. XOXO

Oh Bonnie my heart just broke for you when I read about your fears over your baby's little cold feet. He's fine hun, he's doesn't feel cold, pain or fear, just his mum's love.

Prayers to the goddess that you find peace soon.:pray:

Dear Bonnie,

No one will ever really understand what you are going through and all you can do is surround yourself with those who are truly only there for you. I think you are an incredible woman going through a terrible time that no one should ever have to endure. I wish you every happiness in the world and in response to this ^&)* at your work, perhaps have a close friend who is rather vocal let her know just how ridiculous and unhelpful her comments are. Some people are just unbelievable.

My deepest sympathies Bonnie - what a tragic to happen to you and your family.

I can't imagine your pain and sadness. I know what I went thru at 12wk miscarriage and my heart aches for you.

Remember, we all handle our grief differently. There is no time limit. You are you - take your time and be kind to yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss of your gorgeous baby boy..