Our little Vanilla

It is heart-wrenching to be writing this down. We lost our baby at 8 weeks.
We went for a scan on Monday and there was no heartbeat, no baby, just an empty sac measuring 6 weeks. My hcg levels were still increasing but nowhere near enough.

I had a d&c on Tuesday. DH really wants answers so we are having chromosome testing done on the baby to see if there is anything that we should do differently nxt time. the d&c was okay, but I cried for most of the day.

I go through waves of sadness. I am sad all the time, but there are moments of such intense emotion that I end up crying into my blanket. It doesn't need to be a specific though or thing that sets me off. Just the knowing that I was growing our child and now it is gone.

It's not just the loss of the baby though. We used our last embryo with this IVF transfer. Now we have to start the whole process again. All the drugs, the invasion of my body, the possibility of hyperstimulating like last time, the not knowing whether or not it will work. What if it takes another 8 IVF cycles for me to fall pregnant again? That's what it took this time. I don't have another 8 cycles left in me. We don't have the money for that either. I have three, maybe 4 cycles left. And what if that isn't enough? What if this is my only pregnancy, and my baby is gone forever.

My poor baby Vanilla. I love you so much and wish you were still here with Mummy and Daddy. You are my forever baby, and I will always love you and think of you.

:hug: so sorry hun :hug:
take care xxoo

I am so sorry for your loss :hug:.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am so very sorry to read of your loss, Bec. I have followed your journey quietly as a fellow victim of OHSS.

When you are ready to go again, contact me for the details of what I did to finally avoid it on my third cycle - I really mean that, and it did help.

Once again, I'm so very, very sorry. :hug:

BW

I am so sorry. :hug:

So sorry Bec :hug: :hug:

Bec I am so sorry honey. I am so sorry for your loss, and for all that you have been through. I wish I could take your pain away and ease your heartache.
I pray that you are blessed with an earth baby soon, take care sweetheart.
Beata xxx

I feel for you so so much
i lost my angel yesterday at 9 weeks
I hope the pain eases for you and i know how you feel
im here if you need anything

I am so sorry for your loss Bec :hug:.

:hug:

I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this position Bec, its a horrible horrible thing to go through

Sending you all my love

Nae x x

Thank you all for your support. We are slowly getting there, wherever 'there' is.
Still quite teary but starting to feel a bit more like myself.

I will be going back to work on Tuesday which will be a challenge but will help me to move on with life I think.

Murray and I have been talking about doing something nice to remember Vanilla by. At the moment I am thinking of a plain band with Vaniila engraved on it - something nice that I can wear everyday. Also putting together a little memory box with cards, BFP HPT, and a letter to our baby.

It still hurts so much :(

I am so sorry for your loss :comfort:

I hope Vanilla sends another little soul your way soon

xxx

im very sorry to read about the loss of your precious Vanilla...
I hope you get another BFP soon xxxx

Hun, I am so sorry for the loss of your little vanilla. xo :hug:

so sorry for your heartache - take the time you need before you go back to work if you can, it does help moving on.

Bec- I am so so sorry for your loss and the pain you now feel. I know how it feels and it's awful. And it's the fact you can't just try again to have a baby- it's facing IVF and the uncertainty and limbo again. That is really tough, on top of grieving for baby Vanilla.

It gets easier bit by bit, but dont expect too much of yourself for quite a while. Dont beat yourself up for the way you feel or expect yourself to suddenly be big and strong, if you still feel really fragile. It's been months now since my last miscarriage and I still have bad days.
Doing something to remember your baby by is a great idea. DH and I lit a candle with each of our losses and said a few words as a goodbye. We did the same thing when a due date recently came up...I also write things down, which I find is a good way to vent, as is this site- it's helped me through.
I hope it doesnt take you too long to fall pregnant again and hope we have our forever babies soon
Emma xx

Dear Bec,

My heart breaks for you :hug:. Unfortunately some of us have the long and hard journey to have our little miracle child, and I wish you all the best in your TTC journey.

xxx Sue xxx

Im so sorry for your loss and all you face again now in the quest for a baby of your own to hold!

Bec, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious baby. I know how much it hurts, and it's ok for you not to be ok for a long time. I remember I used to sob my heart out in the shower for my lost baby. One thing I found is that I went back to work too soon, I felt a bit better and then two weeks after my miscarriage I crashed again, so please make sure you go easy on yourself and take as much time as you need. I so wish that this wasn't happening to you hun.

Thinking of you.

xxxx

I am so sorry Bec that you have to go through this pain...take care of yourself and DH at this difficult time. The thought of doing another round of IVF must also be hard adding to the grief and the uncertainty of the future.

Glad to hear DH & you are going to find some answers, I truely hope you do, it does help to move forward. But for the time being, just take time to grief your loss and be gentle to yourself, the pain will never go away completely but it will get better....thinking of you hun! :hug:

Bec,

I am so sorry for you loss. **gives Bec a hug**

The pain does ease with time, but the memory of little bubs never goes away.

Goodluck honey. I hope that God sends you another bub real soon.

hi becD I often wondered where you went, its me 21@TTC#1 but i have a name change now, im so sorry for whats happened,if you remember i too had this happen, a sac measuring 8 weeks found at almost 13 weeks and also had a D and C its very awful and i know you and Murray WILL get there in the end, you deserve it sooo much and i cant wait to hear when the time comes, please stay strong but also give yourself time to heal. we are all here for you.

I have had a really sad day today. I put together the memory box for vanilla, Murray and I both wrote a letter to Vanilla and I put in all bits and pieces that we had bought for him, flowers and cards we were given, my BFP POAS.

I got through last week at work without breaking down, but I am a wreck today, have been crying non-stop. I am so angry, angry with God and the world. I just dont know how to move on, I dont want to move on. I just want my baby back in my belly :(

Bec I know what you mean
Yesterday i found myself screaming at the sky asking God why me?
When we loved out baby so much how he could do such a thing.
I don't have any words because they just arent enough.
But I'm here for you seriously anything you need pm me because I'll listen :)
I really hope things get better
We can heal but we never forget.

Dear Bec

I am so sorry for your loss of Vanilla

I wish you so so so much luck in the future

Be kind to yourself.:heartbeat:
xxx