A question about stepchildren.

I've recently become a stepmother (oh god!) and I dont know what to do. My husband rarely sees his first son, Troy, but from what he's been told by his family who have visitation, he's not growing up well. DH believes that Troy's mother is not doing a good job but as I've told him, he has no right to judge because he's taken himself out of Troy's life. Anyway now that we have ds I want to put my foot down and say its time for joint custody. I want Troy to get to know his father and his brother. DH doesnt want to speak to Troy's mother to organize things so am I supposed to do it? I try to put myself in her shoes and I would be really angry if my son's father's new wife called me up demanding visits. Were going down to where she lives at the end of the year and I want us to meet up at a park or something but everytime something is arranged she cancels.

I should point out that Troy is 5yrs old. And the last time DH saw him was a year ago and it was VERY difficult to get Troy's mother to agree to it. She is still fighting MIL in court to stop the visits.


Please dont judge. This is difficult for us all. Does anyone have any advice?

In a similar situation - right down to DF not wanting to speak to the ex - snap! I know what a difficult situation this can be - and I'm wearing the 'been there, done that' T-shirt ;)!

I've made it clear that if DF wants his other kids in his life then I'll do what I can to support him and help that happen. But as for arranging and organising it - I think it should come from DF - so the ball is in his court. His kids = his responsibility - I mean that nicely too hun. :)

Good luck!

Thanks Leesa. Its good to know I'm not the only one. Its just so frustrating that DH just wants to complain and not do anything about it!! I dont want to soud like I want to steal sds away, I just want him to know he has another family who love him.

What a difficult situation darling... :hug: You are very compassionate and kind to be putting this little boy first - kudos to you. :hug:

It sounds like this little boy probably doesn't have a connection to his Dad. All kids need a connection to both their parents when there is no physical or emotional danger.

I would couch it that you would really like your child to know his big brother - that you will support this relationship 150%. That you can imagine just how hard it is for him to enter into communication with his sons mother - but this can be done in a safe environment (I am thinking a mediator). That the initial contact will be awkward and difficult - however once the arrangements are in place things wil eventually flow.

The hard yards need to be done so father and son and new son can develop a relationship! :hug:

It's hard I know - and ultimately this really needs to be done by your partner. This is his business - however painting it in small manageable steps would be helpful I think.

Good luck - you are very thoughtful to be thinking so compassionately. :hug:

I honestly know how you feel right now; i am in a similar situation; what has your DH said about your suggestion of you contacting the Ex? I know in my situation i couldnt do it; apparently im the worst person in the world ... anyway thats another story! Would you feel comfortable calling her? Do you know much about her? How would she react? You're doing a great thing by trying IMO!!

I know that she doesnt like me. Its not like I "stole" dh away from her. She just kept telling him that she was the best he'd get and frankly he's now done better :) She likes to think that sds has no father and she purposly does things to upset dh eg. dressing Troy up in girls clothes, taking a pic and sending it to dh. She would feel I was undermining her life because she's never had a paying job. A soon as she got out school she got pg. So her life has been Troy and by asking to take him for a weekend would be crushing to her.

At the same time, this isnt about her or dh or me. As far as I'm concerned its about Troy and Jack and the fact that they have a right to a relationship with each other. And because I would never let Jack stay over at her house, Troy will just have to come here. Does that sound too harsh?

If she doesnt like you i wouldnt call her it would start a whole heap of drama; maybe you should be pushing your DH to make more efforts to contact her (same thing with me apparently i "stole" my DP away from her...yeah good one love, shes never had a paying job from what i know, i wish would could obtain full custody..anywho)

My jaw dropped re the girls clothes...wtf? How old was he at this point? Poor Troy!

So is MIL going to court to try and keep seeing Troy? If your DH wants t ospend more time with Troy could he just speak to lawyers? I have no legal experience what so ever but couldnt he take her to court and simply deal with his solicitor?

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She would feel I was undermining her life because she's never had a paying job. A soon as she got out school she got pg. So her life has been Troy and by asking to take him for a weekend would be crushing to her.

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Errm, that's a bloody BIG assumption ;)

TBH, I think its best you stay out of it. Support DH totally in HIS quest to make a relationship with his son, that's enough.
It's clear the way you feel about her, and that's another reason for you to stay out of it - otherwise it will be about you and her, not a father and his son.

Lulu: It wasnt an assumption. She said most that herself to me. The only part I added was the "it would be crushing" part. I have met the woman and she msgs me from time to time. Mainly to say she saw pics of ds on FB that were posted by sil. We've talked about maybe seeing Troy more and she basically said it will never happen.

Mis_tree: I agree that it would be very difficult for Troy to be taken away from his mother. I want to start out slow. The problem is I cant get DH to start and even if he did suddenly want to be proactive in sds's life we wouldnt know where to start. Do we call lawyers before ex? Were going down to her town at Christmas and if we tried to plan a meet up, what would stop her from not showing?

As I said DH doesnt go to the visits. He doesnt like being around his ex. I've told him that its not about her but he still finds it difficult.

I'm sorry but DH needs to put his own feelings about his ex aside(I mean seriously, whats the worst that could happen???). Not wanting to feel uncomfortable, is not a valid reason for neglecting his relationship with his son. sorry to be so harsh.

I know it's not easy but children need us to be heros. Your DH needs to start being a hero - gawd, Troy is probably BUSTING to say "no, my daddy is BETTER than yours" to some kid at school and he can't say that if he doesn't have one.

Again - DH needs to do this. Support, inspire him and break it down into easy steps - but he has to take those steps himself.

I've read this all with interest and wish to add the following:-

- It really is your partner's responsbility regarding making arrangements for Troy. Before any arrangement can be put in place for Troy to being forming a relationship with your family, there needs to be some level of communication between your partner and his ex. I strongly suggest that you becoming involved would NOT be of assistance and only cause more resistance by the Mother.
- Your partner should firstly make contact with a Family Disptue Resolution Centre or similar mediation organisation. They are cost effective and much less 'confronting' for the ex than receiving a letter from a lawyer and can be found scattered all over Australia. Also, it's mandatory that such 'mediation' is attempted prior to court proceedings in any event. The benefit is that your partner and his ex can discuss Troy in an environment free from threats of court ect. Hopefully they can reach agreement regarding a transitional period for Troy to be reintroduced to your partner (and his new brother).
- If he is unsuccessful with mediation, he should then go and seek legal advice.
- I note that you are 'going down' at Xmas time to the ex's place... i assume you live quiet some distance apart from each other and accordingly a 'joint custody' arrangement is probably unrealistic, it's also unrealistic considering the limited involvement your partner has had in Troys life of late
- If your partner's family spend time with Troy this is a perfect oppurtunity for your partner and you to slowly reintorduce yourselves into troy's life in an environment which is feels comfortable and secure in.

Good luck!

I second what Lulu and mistree have said - your DH needs to do this himself. If his dislike for his ex outweighs his desire to be involved with his son then he needs a rethink. It is NEVER easy to deal with an ex when you begin a co-parenting journey after a split but you have to do it anyway.

I commend your interest in Troy, it's wonderful, but as a mother raising her kid in a dual-family scenario i would just be really unimpressed if XP had his new wife do the mediating, especially when she didn't like or respect me and felt i wasn't a good mother. Whatever kind of mum you feel she is, she's done it for longer than you and on her own and is unlikely to welcome your input unless she asks for it (that's how i would feel in her place anyway). It's true that it's not about her, but Troy is 5, his mother is his only parent and the centre of his world still, if he picks up that you don't like her it is no leap for him that you don't like him really either. He is half her, and in upbringing way more than half her, he will feel any disrespect or attack on her as one against him and he's only 5, and cannot protect himself against that. I guess what i'm saying is that in action if not in thought you need to learn to like he, FIND the good in her, for his sake.

My XP does things and lets DD do things which DH and i never would, but we have made a pact that unless it is actually harmful we will always take the view that there are at least 2 good ways to do things (i.e. his and ours) because we never want her to feel that we feel his parenting is sub-standard, when we know she will read that she is bad or wrong for loving her daddy and how he is raising her. To that end we are friends with XP, we all have dinner tgether a couple of times a week, he visits DD almost every day, and she has overnights with him every week. It would be VERY difficult to build the sort of set-up we have (which we see as being the optimal for DD) with a 5-year hiatus in contact, but i'm sure it's possible. Mediation is definitely the place to start. Best of luck hun.

Bx

Hi, I can understand your situation and I take my hat off to you wanting to include your stepson. Sometimes I wish mine would just disappear!

We have a similiar situation with the X factor. DH used to have a good relationship with her before I came along because he would hand out money all the time (on top of paying the top level of CS for 4 children) and basically bend over backwards for her. Anyway, now things have changed and the X factor really dislikes me.

When we first moved to the same town as the them (after DH had moved away a few years earlier), we never knew when we would see them. Weekends would be organised by sms and it was so ridiculous... So I supported DH to go to mediation and work something out. He did and all of a sudden the children (and me) had more stability. It is going to change again because we are moving, but at least it worked for a while.

I would really suggest mediation for DH and X factor...

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We have a similiar situation with the X factor. DH used to have a good relationship with her before I came along because he would hand out money all the time (on top of paying the top level of CS for 4 children) and basically bend over backwards for her. Anyway, now things have changed and the X factor really dislikes me.

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That's really sad. My ex bends over backwards for us and also pays over and above what the CSA declares is enough. It's not because he is walked over or I am demanding, it's because he takes care of his children and their mother.

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My ex bends over backwards for us and also pays over and above what the CSA declares is enough. It's not because he is walked over or I am demanding, it's because he takes care of his children and their mother.

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WTF? That's great that he looks after his children, but since when does any man have to care for his ex wife. Isn't that the place of the new partner?? My husband is married to me and doesn't owe a thing to his ex wife, all he needs to do is make sure his children are looked after - which doesn't even happen..

DH agreed to pay the up front lump sum for his daughter's braces if her mother paid for the follow up visits. Well she didn't and the poor girl had to remove her own braces with a fork! Do you think he should have backed out of the agreement and paid all her bills, even though that was her part of the deal?

I usually don't weigh in in these types of threads as I believe that unless you have been there, you don't really know what you would do. However, as a child of divorced parents, I feel compelled to weigh in about the "deal" that the mother didn't uphold so that the daughter had to remove her braces with a fork. Should her father have paid despite the deal with her mother? Absolutely - unless it would have left him destitute. Why in the world should the daughter suffer just because her parents can't amicably agree and carry through on their agreements about money. In effect, the daughter is paying for the sins of the parents. This, to me, is outrageous and my heart goes out to the daughter. To me, it is completely irrelevant that the mother didn't abide by her agreement with her ex husband - again, why should the daughter suffer? to remove braces with a fork - that is cruel and painful and shame on the father for not paying if he could afford it - and by afford it, I mean unless it stopped his other family from eating.

Absolutely he should have paid for the removal of the braces (or to even keep them on) - for his daughters sake!

exH 1 and I also paid for all of sds athletics and took him each week because his ex couldn't be arsed and sds would have missed out otherwise. It didn't matter to us because when that little tacker ran like the wind and came back with ribbons and a puffed out chest it would have been cheap at twice the price :lol:

And me? Well of course my ex cares for me (both of them do :)), I care for them too, and I also do a great job as mother to their children.

I understand the ex might be a total cow, and it might be a PITA to have to pay for stuff but the end of the day being righteous doesn't make the children better off.

Mmmmm this is a touchy subject for me...

Why should an ex husband pay more if he can? Because raising children costs a damn side more than a formula contrived by a desk Johnny! Because life being difficult financially for the Mother makes it difficult for the kids. Because Mothering is a no pay job...

I can't believe that a child was left to remove dental work with a fork! I could no longer allow that happen to a child if I could avoid it than fly backward to the moon!

Single parenting is damn hard. Damn expensive.

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to remove braces with a fork - that is cruel and painful .

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my thoughts exactly. In this case, and many others, the father was unaware of it at the time. It wasn't until I saw the girl and said "wow, your braces are off, that the story came out". Might I add, in this time the mother had enough money to buy a brand new car, go for an overseas holiday, while the children were with us for school holidays and continually entertain her friends with dinner parties. I was also a child of divorced parents and my mother always met my father halfway, which taught me to be an independent woman with a high sense of pride.

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my thoughts exactly. In this case, and many others, the father was unaware of it at the time. It wasn't until I saw the girl and said "wow, your braces are off, that the story came out". Might I add, in this time the mother had enough money to buy a brand new car, go for an overseas holiday, while the children were with us for school holidays and continually entertain her friends with dinner parties

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The ex wife probably thought she was getting back at her ex husband. By how? Letting her daughter suffer. What a stupid thing to do! Poor girl. What the mother did was down right disgusting.

It's strange how the acceptance of child support suddenly makes your financial position open to speculation by strangers....

I have a question for single mummies receiving child support as im a step mum ...

We pay DPs ex exactly what CSA calculate (maybe a few dollars more as its always some random number we just round it up lol), when DSD is in school next year we will pay the CSA amount plus her school fees as i feel thats the right thing to do and its benefitting her education etc (i know its between DP & the ex but i just wanna do the right thing IYKWIM). Now DPs ex cry's poor to us all the time yet the second she gets her child support (or any money) she is out boozing it up or purchasing HUGE tvs (through rent-to-own) I would MUCH rather not pay cash into DPs ex's account and pay for everything else IYKWIM (eg school fees, uniforms, extra curicula activities, excursions etc) but i dont think thats possible ... we know that DSD is not being cared for as she should and us paying more money is not benefitting her in anyway ... should we do it anyway? Id really love some opinions...TIA

Sorry to hijack this thread! But i saw the discussion so thought id ask :hide:

I am sure you don't mean to sound so strident but I gently suggest that looking through a keyhole doesn't give you the full story.

Child support is the right of the children. Kids are expensive little Beings. Providing a home, clothes, entertainment, sport and recreation & health care for kids is very costly. I have five & I know what I am talking about! I came back from the chemist yesterday almost $80 poorer in an effort to budge a nasty flu from my precious daughter and myself. Today I forked out $20 for school cooking for my teenager, $50 for an excursion. Sunday was a $20 fee for entry into netball competition, $100 in fuel running said fruit of my loins to and from their various engagements... That is just off the top of my head in the last few days...

Dinner parties can cost very little and do you want the Mother of your husbands children just sitting alone, sad and socially alone? A single mum on benefits would find it impossible to travel overseas and buy a spanking new car without asisstance. Who would begrudge her the assistance of friends or relatives! The car transports your husbands children! I agree with Lulu how does being in receipt of child support mean that a Woman's finances should become transparent?

Men are very very bizarre creatures (many of course not all) when a relationship irretrievably breaks down. They guard their wallets with the fierceness of a rabid dog - they often use money to punish the partner. Forgetting that this behaviour impacts on the children.

There are few mothers (of course there are some) who will allow their children to suffer.

Flower was that in response to my post? :doh: sorry ... i know i should not have hijacked

No my love it was in response to the discussion that was already going - we must have posted at the same time...

In answer to your question though honey... :hug:

You cannot choose to pay child support as you see fit. It has to be a joint decision between the father and the mother receiving it. If she agrees to you paying those expenses in lieu of her entitlement then well and good.

If a child is attending a private school an application can be made by the custodial parent to have the CSA amount adjusted to help cover the costs of education IF she was in prvate school at time of separation OR it was agreed she would attend a private school.

I think it's great that you will pay the school fees to ensure a good education for this child - every child deserves a great education.

As for her going out drinking - I can't comment. I just know that it would seem that again single parents are under a microscope often due to no fault of their own. It is a damn tough road raising children alone - sometimes kindness and understanding are good tools to use in dealing with difficult situations. :hug:

I tried the kindness route ... in the end i got bitten.

We are still paying child support no matter what.

Anyway thats enough of me hijacking, thanks for your response FC xo

No problem - maybe she is feeling defensive, hurt and raw too honey. I know one of my closest girlfriends who is an amazing amazing mother has had all sorts of accusations hurled at her by her ex husband. Everything from being schizophrenic to an alcoholic. Which is so incredibly ridiculous.

I am sure this isn't the same as your experience but what I am trying to articulate is that this is the oldest argument in the book... The ex wife versus the ex husband.

Again, ifyou are happy to pay her school fees that's great. Child support rarely covers 50% of the costs involved in raising a child. So, doing what you are and paying above is beneficial to the child and this flows on to releasing pressure for the mother.

Remember perhaps in her eyes you are the other woman - she has been the mother for 15 years. We don't all succeed all the time when we Mother - it's tough and thankless largely. All I am saying is do what your heart says and that will benefit this child - but don't go down the dangerous path of thinking she is spending foolishly - maybe it's just different to the way you would. :hug:

But don't married people rent to buy HUGE tellies too? Don't other mothers go out and have drinks too?

Ooooooo, I own TWO cars - just cos I do ;)

I wouldn't raise my kids like some people do - I'm sure my priorities are different to others but it seems some people are not quite satisfied unless I am wearing rags and stuck at home all day (which for the record right now I AM :) ).

Please don't forget step mummies - it was your choice to get involved with a man with other children. If you don't like the way the other mother parents, or if it's so abhorrent, why not wonder why your partner got involved with someone so damn terrible....

I know that this is because I am feeling so dang frustrated...

But :yeahthat: to Lulu!

I am a professional, I am intelligent & I am a single parent. It's not my choice. However, because "you always look good" I am paid too much... Because I will get a sizeable chunk of OUR assets I am "ripping him off"... So right now he won't pay child support & my application for spousal maintenance will likely go to court...

There are always two sides to a coin. Money is often the last bastion of control a man feels he has over his Woman... It drives em batty for a while... However, I know it shall pass. But I tell you what if his next partner comments on my poor Mothering, or questions my new Kia Carnival it will be very very difficult to be all Buddhist about it trust me! Why? Cos I have done it damn hard. I have put up with unknowable crap. I am a great Mother & if anyone commented that I had a few drinks now and then I would find it hard to be noice!!!! (I would try really hard but it would be shall we say... difficult!)

[QUOTE=Lulu;1917498]But don't married people rent to buy HUGE tellies too? Don't other mothers go out and have drinks too? [QUOTE]

Its got nothing to do with married/unmarried, the fact i get txts/ FB msgs from her saying she is flat broke then going and spending $40pw on a huge tv for the next 3 years ... does that not seem viable to you? (Yes, we know how much the TV costs...it is not my assumtion)

And the fact she cant afford to buy food to feed her child so we keep her at our house a few extra nights but can afford that same weekend to go on a bender...from Thursday to Saturday night drinking. We have mutual friends. This is not heresay...

Im all for her going out and blowing off steam the weekends we have DSD, go your hardest. But dont cry poor to me. Thats all im saying.

I know its got nothing to do with me, i honestly would rather stay out of it. However its her txting me and her FBing me...not contacting DP, contacting me :wall:.

Cut her off your FB then! Eeewww, I couldn't think of anything worse! Tell her to txt your hubby....

Totally get what you are saying. If the child isn't looked after well enough, why don't you take her full time? Oh I know it's not as easy as that, but if the childs welfare is really at stake you have to do something. If it's not, and just her crappy way of managing money you will have to do something different.

I'm sure you can support the child in different ways other than straight cash. You could possibly contact the school and ask them what excursions etc are coming up for the term and pay the school directly, buy the uniforms from the shop yourself (dh's self that is) etc.

He should keep all receipts so CSA can see the support is there.

DSD isnt in school yet, she starts 2010. We would LOVE if CS payments could be through school fees, uniforms, excersions, outside of school activities etc. Currently we dont go through the CSA we just have a private arrangement but we are paying more then the CSA would ask anyway. It works for us, should DPs ex wish to go through CSA we would have no problems with it, totally her call.

She isnt a friend on my FB but she can still msg me...? Do i need to block her or something for her to not be able to contact me?

I might suggest to DP that he try work out a private arrangement to pay for everything so we arent giving her cash, just paying for DSD 'expenses' so to speak ... arg money causes so much conflict!

Anywho, thanks for letting me semi vent and passing on your opinions/ advice. Truly appreciate it! Lulu thank you for your honesty too, i appreciate true honest opinions whether im going to like what i hear or not!

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If it's not, and just her crappy way of managing money you will have to do something different.

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Our X factor has the same problem, her family can see it, her kids can see it and anyone with half a brain can see it, but at the end of the day it is not our problem. So even if DH were to give her $100 000, it would all be blown at the end of the day and she'd be back begging for me. Well, sorry - with the top level of CS, FTB for 5 kids and a job that earns just under the taxable threshold - enough is enough...

Ammaki - we used to do a private agreement but that was changed after we started taking out DSD's board that X factor had previously paid occassionally - so that DSD could have a bit of stability. Anyway, under the old CSA rules you could pay that as a prescribed payment, but you can't really do that under the new system, unless the other party agrees.

Of coarse, both sides of the fences see things differently. I'm just really lucky that I came from a household with a single mother of 4 children who had NO child support for 3 of the children and a measley $200 a month for one. We still all went to really good schools (Catholic, not Private, but still good), had a good social life and had fun as children without being shipped off to a thousand different activities.