Are You Keyhole Judging? (An Edward de Bono inspired scenario)

One characteristic of Emotional Intelligence is empathy which is only possible if you are able to see things from multiple points of view (not just your own). Author Edward de Bono also refers to this as an ability to think laterally.

Many years ago I saw an EDB interview on TV. He was promoting a new book (unfortunately I can't recall the title). He gave a very visual example of lateral thinking which I have never forgotten. Ever since hearing this little story of his my skills of empathy and "giving people the benefit of the doubt" have greatly improved and I credit him with improving my EQ. This is a rough re-telling of his story:

Once upon a time a person was walking past a door and heard a scream coming from the other side. They tried to open the door but it was locked. The screams were soon accompanied by shouting and the person was feeling quite alarmed.

Then they noticed a keyhole under the handle and quickly bent over to peek through. Immediately the person saw from whom the screams where coming: it was a woman... she was running and looking very frightened. Then a fierce looking man came into view... he was chasing the woman and wielding a knife!

The person stood up and bashed on the door heart racing and desperate to save the woman from the dangerous man! But the door was heavy and couldn't be broken. So the person looked again through the keyhole. Now it could be seen that the man was being chased by a small group of people... this seemed to confirm that the woman was in trouble. So the person stood back, raised a foot and kicked open the door.

It flew open! The person wasted no time rushing through to help apprehend the evil man that was seen through the keyhole. But almost immediately the person stopped in their tracks. In an instant the person no longer desired to save the woman. She didn't need saving. Instead the person was hoping that the man with the knife could run faster!!!

For now the true situation was revealed: there was a child entangled in a rope hanging from a tree. The woman was the child's mother and the man was the child's father rushing toward the child... both with intentions of freeing the child.

How quick the keyhole judger had leapt to conclusions based on the "evidence" of limited vision. Maybe it was just as well that the person didn't have the power to interfere with the situation before seeing the complete picture.

This message in this scenario is also summed up in my signature quote: Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle.

It seems that everyone is keen to give an opinion these days but are we sometimes looking through keyholes?

I forgot to add that recently when I was at a BB meetup we were discussing that not everyone in BB puts their life-story in their signatures. There are lots of BB members, for example, who have had miscarriages etc and not added them to their details. So just because something isn't there doesn't mean that you can safely assume that they haven't had to deal with that situation. I thought that was really interesting when that was raised.

Wow, great story....it's really made me think. Hmmmm I don't think I do, but I am wary of those who do. My MIL does & this is why I believe we do not get along...at all. I feel I should not need to justify myself to others & perhaps if they were to look at things from all perspectives you would not need justification.
Good point also on the signature thing.....this is why I often hold back stong opinions on strong subjects & I guess get easily offended when you offer a piece of advice from a perspective you have & get "jumped on" so to speak by others who are "always right"..............
hmmmmmm, you have made me think!!!!

Wonderful story Bath, and with a great message behind it. Not only should we not judge people's actions or words, but we can't presume to know their motivations either.

I fear that sometimes I am prone to it. Its a horrible thing and when I do it, I always remind myself that I honestly have no idea why something is as it is. I do know though that I used to do it a lot more before I had kids. I know for me that having my own makes me more empathtic to other parents.

I do try to be the best person I can be.

Oh for sure Intertia! I'm the same... I was much faster to judge when I was younger, pre-kids. I'm trying to help my 14yo DD avoid the keyhole thing by getting her to think about the bigger picture more often. I think she's starting to get the hang of it. It takes practice. I'm still far from perfect. It's a shame my own parents weren't able to help me when I was younger. It's interesting how the people who dislike being judged the most are the ones that are quickest to judge others too. It's like they feel so persecuted that the only way they can feel better about themselves is to make others feel judged :( vicious cycle.

I really like that analogy! Since becoming a mum I have definitely stopped being so judgemental of people's parenting and become more wary of other people's narratives. As the keyhold story suggests, you just never know what that person has gone through to reach their current standpoint. I think more empathy would help more people heal their own wounds, because once you stop judging others, you start being kinder to yourself.

I dunno. I'm more judgemental about some things. People telling me control crying doesn't hurt, they've done it. I pretty much judge they love their children less than I do. Because now I have a child I'm even more against it than when I just knew the theory.

But most other things - if you're not lying, stealing, killing (and telling me about it) then it's pretty much horses for courses and generally has been. (OK, it has usually been I know I'm right, but you need to find that out in your own time.)

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.....this is why I often hold back stong opinions on strong subjects & I guess get easily offended when you offer a piece of advice from a perspective you have & get "jumped on" so to speak by others who are "always right"..........

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:yeahthat: - Well said Erin ;)

From my experience the people who "are always right" are just displaying a fear of being wrong because their self esteem is fragile. If someone has the courage to say "I don't know" or "I was wrong about that" I tend to have a lot more admiration for them. It's easy to be outspkone and opinionated, a lot harder to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. I have lost count of how many times I have been "jumped on" because I have dared to imagine a bigger picture. I maintain the "innocent until proven guilty" and some people get really riled by this tendency of mine. Quite interesting really I guess.

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Wow, great story....it's really made me think. Hmmmm I don't think I do, but I am wary of those who do. My MIL does & this is why I believe we do not get along...at all. I feel I should not need to justify myself to others & perhaps if they were to look at things from all perspectives you would not need justification.
Good point also on the signature thing.....this is why I often hold back stong opinions on strong subjects & I guess get easily offended when you offer a piece of advice from a perspective you have & get "jumped on" so to speak by others who are "always right"..............
hmmmmmm, you have made me think!!!!

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So if your opinion is so strong, why not express it? Why not offer an opposing viewpoint?
Why do you get offended if someone else gives an opinion from a different viewpoint themselves?
See - you expect other people to understand without you justifing where you are coming from, but you can't do the same yourself?

I learn so many valuable lessons from those the DO justify their opinions because I don't presume to have had every, single life experience and sometimes I just don't understand where someone is coming from every, single time. I need further insight to get there.

TBH, I find those that consider themselves "jumped on" find it hard to get past their own judgements or try to feel a different perspective.

Yes, good point Lulu. I enjoy hearing an opposing point of view... for the reasons you gave. But it's interesting how a lot of people don't (like hearing them). It does seem that some people confuse a different perspective with a conflict situation. It's like they need everyone to be on the same page all the time or they start to get nervous and anticipate a fight to break out IYKWIM? Maybe it comes down to what we grew up with :dunno: I witnessed my parents strongly disagreeing and putting forward passionate arguments and observed that it didn't mean that it had to come to blows. That was in my primary years though. Later on when i was a teenager I lived with a stepfather who you couldn't disagree with without the threat of violence. Maybe if that was all I had known I would be very hesitant to hear a debate. Fortunately my first role model was a calmer father.

But this is why I love BB so much... people get the chance to fully explain in considered language why they think the way they do... and they can weave in a bit of the bigger picture of their lives and experiences. it's fascinating :) Makes me feel that when i speak to people IRL it is actually more like looking through a keyhole... because IRL conversations you don't have as ready access to all the hidden aspects of a persons lives. Online you get a clearer picture.... in some regards.

Yah, my parents were the same. In fact I remember wanting to be all grown up so I could have interesting discussions over ****tails in the evening!

Thanks for this Bath. And yes, that conversation has made me think too ;). I would have loved to continue it, but it wasn't really the place, was it? And further to that point........just because someone (like me) had alot of info in their sig doesn't mean you can presume to know everything about that person and their parenting either. I mean yeah, from my sig you can tell that I've had miscarriages, and that I've breastfed my child to toddlerhood. But really, that doesn't tell anyone anything about how I coped with those miscarriages, why they happened etc. Or anything about my breastfeeding journey, other than that it was 'extended'. Does that make sense? I'm sure most people don't see it that simply, but TBH I kind of did for awhile there. Somebody's sig is such a tiny representation of them, and it might not even be that accurate. But it took me awhile to see that.

And as for the original topic, I am sure I have been guilty of this many times. I try very hard these days to be less judgemental, in general. I find it easier to be less judgemental since becoming a parent, although I do hear where Ryn is coming from. Sometimes I struggle with that. But then I try to remember the keyhole thing. You really never know why somebody does something the way they do. But like I said, it is still something I struggle with. We all have different priorities, and I have learn to accept and appreciate that. After all, I certainly feel that I'm doing the right thing for my son almost all of the time, but there are some out there who believe I suck as a parent ;).

I agree totally Lulu.

I think strong opinions are healthy and fine. I also think we need to listen with all our faculties to others - for there is a lesson in ever moment & every footstep in life.

When we have strong opinions we need to check if they come from a sense of right ness or ego or weather they come from a healthy step by step place. For instance a strong opinion that says: "there is only one religion that is right"... Well that kinda argues with fact. There are lots of religions and is it right to judge anothers beliefs". Or only men should vote"... Why would that be so? If we adopt the opinions of society, our parents, our partners or our social network without thinking them through they have not been well thought out - they lack in substance...

When a person reacts strongly and defensively it's almost always from ego. We all do it - we all struggle with it (otherwise we would be enlightened! :D). When we can hear an opinion and debate it with respect and kindness then we are on the right path (I believe).

I have always been able to see both sides of the fence (or argument LOL) and for the most part I can be impartial. Sometimes it has gotten me in the poo when I have given the benefit of the doubt and it's bitten me on the bum, but you live and learn from it I guess. It's just not in me to sit on my smallish pony looking down on everyone else and judge them for what they do or do not do and one motto I live by is "they think their **** don't stink but their farts give them away", for me meaning that everyone has a backstory and first appearances aren't always the full picture of someone. I know it's a bit crass, but it's a great leveller I think to use such a phrase. Erin_25, I think that knowing that story helps you understand their POV - you can argue about something with someone till the cows come home, but it's much more productive to turn the argument into healthy debate simply by knowing why someone has the opinion they do or the reason behind why they do what they do. So 'justification' is essential in a lot of cases and if that helps you be understood better and enables someone to see a different perspective because often it's something you cannot assume about someone. And gaining respect is borne out of that too. I know there are a lot of times I've been a part of some raging debates on here and I don't always see eye to eye with some members, but knowing why they say what they say makes me respect why they have that opinion kwim? There are even people on here that I would probably never be friends with in a normal situation, but I respect them deeply becuase they have the strength of their convictions and more importantly are willing to agree to disagree.

lady Zaidee, using what you said as an example, I would never think that someone loved their child any less than what I love mine simply because they use a different method to me. I would see that it's not the love they have for their child that dictates why they do CC, but rather it might be their absolute last resort or that they simply don't know that it's not the best way kwim? I could never assume that they love doing cc, or that cc is their method of choice, because often there is a long and winding road that can lead you to make a decision that is different to what you would choose yourself. If I was talking to someone who said they started using cc, I would ask them why, and maybe even offer alternatives to that which they may not have thought of themseleves, because not everyone has the scope of advice that we have on here and even if after talking to them and finding out that it is simply their preferred method, then I could never judge them for it, lest I be judged for what I do just because it's different.

Trillian, I should explain - I've had a LOT of people in the last few months telling me to CC Liebs because I "look tired". And when I politely say no, I don't agree with that, they then tell me they did it from birth and the child doesn't know any different (how sad!) and you "get used" to hearing crying and ignoring it. They have NEVER gone to their baby, toddler or child at night, no matter what. Some people from birth, some from 6w old, some from 3m old. But generally too early, even in the pro-CC books. And I'm sick of hearing that they deprive their baby (because overnight feeds are still needed at this stage) because they can't be bothered with looking after this little life they created.

Now, if you're going to push your philosphy so much at me even when I say no, I disagree, then I figure you KNOW I'm right and just want to drag me down to your level! So yeah, I do judge then.

But I think that's about the only time. And only because I have it pushed on me so much to do it.

I think it's always always important to share opinions. I think it's important to listen, I think it's important to use compassion. However, to sit on the fence might be an opinion too!

I understand LZ what you are saying. However, letting it go and saying no firmly... No, I am not interested in that method - it does not fit my ethos or my values - thankyou for sharing it though...

You have stated your strength and rejected what they want to impart... That is all good and well and healthy. :hug:

Great post Bath amd so relevant too. I have become less judgemental as i got older but I think sadly I was at my MOST judgemental when i had one child! I used to look in horror at mother's of little boys who were completely wild and, I felt, undisciplined, I felt that as a mother I had the right to judge cause I was obviously doing such a great job and my child was sweet and well behaved. Now that my journey has included a severe dose of karma (I call him Riley LOL) I realise that boys and indeed all children are different and I wasn't necessarily a great mum I was just a damn lucky one!
I think its harder to be empathetic without a lot of life experiences behind you. Sometimes i think the people with the least life experiences are often the most quick to judge sadly.

I'm one of those strange people that gets offended and defensive for others but not so much for myself unless I am feeling unheard or misunderstood. And yes sometimes I shouldn't, and yes sometimes I should keep my mouth shut LOL! But I always seem to justify it at the time by saying I'm doing it for the greater good, and sometimes even that is not necessarily a good thing. So thats something I have to work on.

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I'm one of those strange people that gets offended and defensive for others but not so much for myself unless I am feeling unheard or misunderstood. And yes sometimes I shouldn't, and yes sometimes I should keep my mouth shut LOL! But I always seem to justify it at the time by saying I'm doing it for the greater good, and sometimes even that is not necessarily a good thing. So thats something I have to work on.

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Yep I used to do this too :redface:. I try not to though because I've realised that different things offend different people.

Recently, I was having a friendly debate with a close friend. We both know each other well, know each other's opinions, and use debate to sharpen ourselves (iron sharpens iron). In this case he was playing devil's advocate with me. Another friend who didn't know us as well, came into the debate and got mad at my close friend for saying something that she considered would have been offensive to me. But of course it wasn't!!!

I found it annoying. The statement wasn't offensive to me. It interferred with a debate that had good intentions (to sharpen our thinking) and then it took awhile to explain. It also made an innocent debate between two friends into an overly emotional event. Even if I did find his comment offending, I would have wanted to choose for myself how to respond. Sometimes it's easiest to just let it slide, ignore it.

I understand there are some situations were it is very appropriate to defend another against offense, but I try (and often fail) to pause and consider first whether or not I know enough to be able to do so.

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Trillian, I should explain - I've had a LOT of people in the last few months telling me to CC Liebs because I "look tired". And when I politely say no, I don't agree with that, they then tell me they did it from birth and the child doesn't know any different (how sad!) and you "get used" to hearing crying and ignoring it. They have NEVER gone to their baby, toddler or child at night, no matter what. Some people from birth, some from 6w old, some from 3m old. But generally too early, even in the pro-CC books. And I'm sick of hearing that they deprive their baby (because overnight feeds are still needed at this stage) because they can't be bothered with looking after this little life they created.

Now, if you're going to push your philosphy so much at me even when I say no, I disagree, then I figure you KNOW I'm right and just want to drag me down to your level! So yeah, I do judge then.

But I think that's about the only time. And only because I have it pushed on me so much to do it.

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Oh no, I didn't mean anything by it, just that if you were told a one-off comment like that, without knowing all the stuff behind it, then I wouldn't think less of them for it, but when there is a lot of other stuff going on, manipulation by trying to force you to see it their way and constantly being told that it is the right and the only way, then yeah, I'd be thinking less of them for that too because they aren't showing you respect and agreeing to disagree.

Bumpity bump! :bump:

oooh Bath has spied some keyhole judging... I wonder where :think: LOL :)

i think this is a great topic, especially when we consider the forum environment. in a way forums like BB etc can promote and seek keyhole judging. like bath in her OP, not everyone shares all information, making the 'advice' or support that we give, inevitably some form of keyhole judging...but does this necessarily equate to a negative thing? i guess EDB's story is awesome in that it does make us think outside the square, but we also need to remember that in an isolationist society (like most western societies) we do tend to put on the blinkers and *pretend* that we dont see or hear other people (like NOT giving pg women a seat on a tram or train, because you have an ipod on and therefore 'cannot' see her; or hear a smoke alarm next door but are too hesitant to call the firebrigade in case it's nothing and you look over zealous IYKWIM).

i guess the key (pardon the pun LOL!) is that while we judge...i reckon everyone does (or am i speaking only of my own guilt at having done so..hmmmm lol) we also need to judge with empathy. the same way that awhile back we had the horrific story of the tragic death of those twins in QLD that died through starvation. it was horrific and initially people were outraged as we vented and expressed our horror, but as the thread progressed and we began to develop empathy for all those people involved in the horrific situation we realised how it could of happened and possibly why. i still believe that that thread ended up being one of the most powerful on here in BB land for that very reason.

It's interesting that this topic is here in BB Forums...
As I really did feel like I was a victim of Keyhole Judging last night in the BB Chat of all places...

It's like, 2 people in the chat, who I've spoken to ONCE, seemed to think they knew everything about me and were telling me how to live my life, based on what was a half hour long chat. I ended up in tears. They kept telling me, "you need therapy, you need help" ra ra ra, when I was trying to say to them, that the past 4 months I have been doing well up until about 3 days ago when my emotions went a bit shonky (which I am currently thinking may be hormonal, as AF is due any day now), but they couldn't seem to grasp the concept, kept telling me how to live, how to think, how to be, until I got upset and said I didn't want to discuss it anymore. How was that for taking control, topic over.
So then they started getting uppity saying I couldn't control other people and one of the girls wanted to continue it until I ended up just getting very upset and saying stupid things to make them go away. They got angry with me and left.
One of these 2 people had added me as a facebook friend, and they've already deleted me this morning.

Based on ONE conversation from what little they learned of me in that conversation.
Yeah, I understand the person going on at me has a wealth of experience, more than me, with kids and a divorce, etc etc, but her situation isn't MY situation and all she wanted to do was push her way on me without listening to my side of things.
I still have a splitting headache today from crying so much. She dredged up a lot of crap, my therapist doesn't even make me cry like that.
I've never felt so judged, or pushed down in my whole life. :(

I'm sorry you had a hard time of it last night Moondance. Forums do generally require a fair bit of resilience at times. I find that when Im feeling fragile it's better to avoid forum discussions unless you know and trust the members well. Maybe contact Admin if you felt they breached BB Guidelines which include posting with tact.

When you say it's "interesting" that this thread is in BB what do you mean though? Is it useful or hypocritical? I find that it can be useful and if I find myself in a discussion which I feel contains keyhole judging I sometimes link to this thread ;)

I hope your headache passes soon Moondance and that those hormones settle or you find someone that you trust to have a more positive discussion with *hug*

Well I imagine this thread was around before last night, yes?
But then my incident happened last night in the CHAT, not the general forums...

Some of the girls there said that what happened was wrong and was really against everything BellyBelly is about... I don't know much about that, I haven't been here very long...
But I seemed to get the idea that BB is supposed to be the kind of place thats about helping each other and not judging each other, I mean, I've always found forums to be a good place to ask questions, get help, etc.
But the incident last night had me feeling like I shouldn't even be here on this site if someone would be so judgemental and harsh....
Everything else I see on BB is always so nice, this thread included, I thought that this kind of thread was essentially what BB was really about... But I definitely didn't feel that in the chat last night until after the people got angry with me and left and I was back to the few people I consider friends here.

I don't think I'm saying this right at all. I'm really tired right now.

I think this is interesting. Whilst we need to be aware of when we are keyhole judging, but also of when we let others keyhole judge us. We need to be aware of the picture we give out and how that will affect the behaviour others show towards us.

For example, if only put forward a happy front, the people will assume that we have no problems and maybe not see that you really need help right now. The same if we always complain, then others will just keep on telling us to do something about it, when if fact you may be happy with your situation, just grumpy about parts of it.

I think responsibility does go both ways with judging, it just cannot be lumped on the judger that they only looking through a keyhole, when infact that is all they are being given to look at.

ETA: Just though I would add that I am talking in general about the concept of keyhole judging. Not directly about any posts or situations on the forum.

I see what you are saying Astrid and agree that it goes both ways and that we have to be mindful of the kind of situations we are portraying. It involves a degree of objectivity to your own situation though which many people can struggle with. That is also a general statement.

One thing that Moondance seemed to allude to though is that all of the members in BB should pull the party line. That every thread is written as if under-written by BB policy makers and that's just not possible. BB isn't like other community services like say, LifeLine, where there is a certain way of doing things. Whilst there are BB guidelines and (volunteer) Mods who do there best to make sure that everything that is read here in BB complies to an Ideal it's impossible to eliminate human nature. There are no guaratees that your feelings won't get hurt in here so you really do have a responsibility to yourself to turn away from your monitor if you are finding that you are becoming
upset. The Mods do their best but they are only human and can't get to every thread. I'm sure only a small minority of BB members have even read this thread.... And even if they have they are free to disagree ;)

Moondance: I recommend contacting Admin if you need to debrief about last nights incident any further darl. I can't recall the wording of BB guidelines but discussing sensitive discussions in other threads is
discouraged in BB.

I like that a lot!

I don't know what's happened, I will check the logs, but I don't think it's fair to label the actions of a few as the philosophy behind BellyBelly. If we don't say it, it's not our philosophy.

It's impossible for everyone to conform to everything. We have report features for problems, we log all chats (yes even the private messages between two users in chat, so keep it off the site if you want it private). If you can't say something nice or constructive, don't say it on BB, simple.

We do our best, as mothers, as full time workers, as workers with several jobs... we can only rely on members pointing us to what we've missed, and for members to take responibility for their contributions and acting like adults - that means making comments and also being able to react as one too.

More investigation is required, but I am sure you'll find BB is much different to the other sites out there, we do our best, but we cannot control what comes out of people's mouths... we offer services which do not have 24x7 live monitoring, that would be impossible and unfair to our mods. So we have to deal with issues in an appropriate way.

This is an interesting thread, and I'm glad it has been resurrected!

In regard to the original post and EdB's key hole scenario - doesn't the world need people who are prepared to make a decision and act upon the information which is available to them?

To use EdB's scenario, the bloke looking through the keyhole could step back and think... "hmmm, hang on a minute. Do I have ALL the possible information here? Perhaps I should hang around here outside the door and keep watching, and I'll not take action until I'm certain that I know everything there is to know about this situation." Or he can accept the information that has available to him and choose the best and most appropriate course of action based upon that information, which in this case is to break down the door. After all, his information leads him to believe that a life is in danger. He must act, and quickly.

Now, as it turns out, the bloke in EdB's story had drawn an inaccurate conclusion from the information available to him. But what if his original assessment of the situation was correct? And here he is, hanging around outside the door, waiting for more information whilst the woman he saw is stabbed to death?!

Sometimes, it is necessary to make a 'keyhole judgement'. Sometimes, the only view we have is what we can see through a keyhole. The danger is in not being capable of reassessing a situation, of not having the flexibility to change our opinion and assessment of a given situation as more information becomes available. Certainly, we should strive to further our knowledge of a situation, we should gather as much information as we can before making a decision and formulating a plan, but we must also be prepared to be decisive in our actions. The trick is to keep an open mind as we do so. I reckon EdB's bloke did an awesome job; he observed, he made a decision, he acted, he reassessed and he made a new decision based on the new information available to him. Can't ask for more than that!:think:

Just to be very clear... I am referring to the original post and EdB's scenario. I am not in any way referring to other BB threads, or to Moondance's experience.:)

Nickel: great assesment :) can I build on that though? If, in the process of acting on what information is available you make a mistake... What then? What if the fellow in the story ( hypothetically) chose to shoot the knife wielding man through the keyhole and it killed him? What then? Do we still accept the act as virtuous and/or do we accept it when he says "but I didn't know..."?

It seems to me that people often act (judge) before it's quite necessary but still demand that people accept their "but I didn't know" as their fall back plan... Meaning they don't have to accept they made a mistake.

I believe also that we need people who are prepared to take decisive action... But in forums like this I don't think it's quite as necessary as having more people who are prepared to reserve judgement and most importantly if they do judge in haste make sure they make unconditional apologies... Not the dreaded "I'm sorry but". Because that's not being sorry at all... That's just perpetuating an argument.

Injured child... Back later

I try very hard to not judge on just what I see at a particular point in time. As somebody who has been judged for the small "keyhole" others have seen of me, I find that it can be hurtful, which is why I now actively try to look at situations from various perspectives.

If I post an opinion on here, I will preface it with something stating it is my opinion or my thoughts. People can then decide whether or not to "listen" to what I've said.

Oooohh... Bathsheba, I like this exercise for my brain!

EdB's boy needs to make the best and most appropriate decision based on the information he has available to him. We are now assuming that our boy is armed with a gun. We know that to shoot the man through the keyhole would ultimately be a mistake, a poor decision in the given situation. But even without the knowledge that we (and our protagonist) learn further into our scenario, surely a better, more appropriate response to the situation would be to shoot the lock out of the door? This would enable him to gain better access to the scene, to gather more information and to formulate a plan for what would ultimately be a better course of action. In doing so, he would perhaps be placing himself in danger; entering the path of a man whom he believes to be dangerous and whom he knows to be armed with a knife. Raises an interesting question about endangering ourselves to help others!

In short, to shoot the man through the keyhole would be poor decision making (even if the intention was virtuous) and IMO our boy would be required to face up to the consequences of his poorly considered actions. A legal opinion at this point would be interesting?!

In regard to your statement about forums, I guess in entering and posting in a forum we are inviting people to peer through our keyhole. As in any community, a forum will consist of people of many different personalities, experiences and beliefs. In inviting people to peer through our keyhole and in soliciting the advice and opinions of such a diverse community we are bound to be exposed to personalities, beliefs and experiences which are far different from our own. This can be confronting and disconcerting. It can also be a magnificent opportunity to benefit from someone who has experienced the world from a different perspective. This new knowledge, this sharing of information, if we are open to receiving it, equips us to make better decisions in the future. EdB's protagonist might have made excellent decisions from the beginning if one of the crowd inside the door had come outside and told our boy what was actually going on inside the door, if only one of that crowd had shared his (or her) knowledge and experience.

Of course, the manner in which we all share our knowledge (and we ALL have something valuable to share) is paramount. Particularly if the subject matter is confronting. A lot is lost in forum communication; tone can be difficult, facial expression, body language... What I 'say' might not be what you 'hear'. I have read of members who say they are in floods of tears because of something which has been 'said' to them. Surely we need to stop and consider whether the communication directed their way has been gentle and respectful... even if it is not what they want to hear. But surely there is no point to a forum if you are not willing to 'speak' and I am not willing to 'listen'? And why solicit an opinion if we are not seeking the truth? If what you want is a 'hug' and a word of comfort, by all means ask for it. But we shouldn't solicit advice or opinion, in a forum or in life, if we are not prepared to hear the truth.

Ultimately, sometimes you and I will simply not agree... perhaps our experiences are too different, or our beliefs are poles apart. We are not necessarily 'judging' each other, we are simply recognising that we are different. And that's OK. To disagree is not necessarily to argue. If we have been honest and respectful, if we have listened to each other, then IMO neither one of us needs to apologise, even if I don't like or agree with what you have to say.

One of these days I will master the short post!:rolleyes:

I hope your injured child is OK?

My psychology teacher used that keyhole judging example on my first day in class. I went to an adult learning centre to do my VCE and there were people that were all different ages with different opinions/views on life.

It really did change my outlook.

:bump:

oooo, I thought about this thread the other day! A new comer to one of my playgroup sessions said that one of the ladies seemed really snooty towards her. The particular lady she is referring too has a lot on her plate right now so is a tad vague. She is NEVER snooty! I just said to the lady "actually she's one of the sweetest ladies I know and has a few personal issues right now"

Well done for saying something CL :) I bumped this thread because I feel it relates to the Jealousy thread that has just been started in this section of the forum. People don't just judge harshly and incorrectly... they also judge with jealousy incorrectly. For example: You might be looking through a keyhole at somebody else's life and think "she has it ALL, it's not fair!" but really she doesn't, she has just paid in a manner that is hidden to you.