Etiquette Question - You are invited to a 60th at a restaurant, do you expect to pay?

I have an etiquette question for you all! DH & his family are coming up with ideas for his mum's upcoming 60th birthday. The general thought is to have a lunch with close family and friends at a restaurant. BUT, FIL thinks that everyone invited will expect him to pay for their food. I personally think that's weird LOL! I have been invited to heaps of birthday parties held at restaurants and have always paid for myself and never expected otherwise.

So I ask - Would you expect to pay for yourself if you were invited to a 60th celebration at a restaurant? Or would you expect the host to pay? Is it rude to expect people to pay?

The reason it's a problem is because FIL is a stroke victim, lives in a nursing home and only receives the pension. So he is concerned the event is going to be a great cost to him.

I'd appreciate your opinions :D

Unless I was told it was catered for I would always assume that it was a pay for yourself kind of deal...
I think most ppl would assume the same..

I wouldn't have expectations either way. Sometimes you go to a restuarant and everyone chips in and sometimes it's one person's shout. I'm cool with either scenario I just like to know what's happening beforehand so I know if I should turn up with cash or a gift for the host or both.

I would never expect to be "paid for" when invited to a restaraunt for a party unless stated otherwise or it was ****tail & i was expecting finger food.

I won't expect to pay for my food, but I would expect that the drinks would be on the house - does that make me weird :p

i would thing i would pay for my own but maybe just put a lil ps. n the bottom of the invite

I would assume I would pay for myself, unless I was specifically told I would be paid for. I think it would be rude to assume otherwise.

I would definitely expect to pay for myself, including drinks. I would also bring a small gift as well. After all, you are there to celebrate a persons life, and expecting them to incur the cost of all the restaurant meals of all the guests is a bit much IMO. If it was a party at home or function venue, then I would expect it to be catered or have finger food.

i would never expect that my meal would be paid for, or anything else for that matter. Bonus if it is! :)

I think it's a generational thing. My parents (64 & 62) always expect that you pay for everyone if you have done the inviting (very old school). I think the younger generations see it as a bonus if someone else pays but you generally go along expecting to pay. I agree that you should put a note on the invite to clarify. Hope this helps!

Thanks for your input everyone! I hope my own comments in my original post don't sway people's opinions LOL!

DH & I are trying to think of a way to word the invite so that people know to pay themselves without sounding rude. Should we say something about the average cost of main meals so that people assume they are paying without actually being told? It seems so rude to say, "Your invited, bring cash" :lol:

It would depend what the invitation said!!

If I was invited to go out to dinner, I would expect to be paying for it. I would never assume the hosts were paying, but if it was offered I would accept and perhaps buy a drink or two for them. It could be worded as let take So n So out for her birthday, which to me implies we'll pay our own way and chip in for the Birthday person.

If I was invited to a party I would expect it was already paid for. Like a catered event.

I think it is all in the wording.

EDT: You could word it like this We are taking ......out to dinner to celebrate her birthday and to spend some time with her as she celebrates turning .... WE thought she'd love for her friends and family to celebrate with her, so no presents please as we are all going dutch. Please come, we know she'd love to have you there!!!

I would pay for ourselves unless it is specifically mentioned that the meal is provided and drinks at bar prices (for example). It is normal nowadays to pay for yourself at restuarants.

I think most people of younger generations would expect to pay but I know my parents expect to pay for everyone if they invite them so he may not be comfortable not paying for his own friends to attend.

If you choose somewhere that does a buffet or banquet you can just let people know what the cost is per head or put a gentle note on the invitation that meals are available for those who want to purchase them.

Yep, I think it depends on the circumstances of the people involved. I'm going to a 40th birthday for a friend and she's shouting everyone dinner whereas I've been to an 80th birthday and expected to pay for myself because the host was living on a pension and obviously didn't have a heap of money to throw around. But a little PS to clarify will make sure no-one's nose is out of the joint. When I had my 30th, I didn't have a heap of money but did have a heap of people I wanted to invite so just chose somewhere that had a set menu and said it was $x per head on the invite so people knew what they were up for. Some of my friends were on fantastic wages, others were struggling students so I thought it was important to spell it out plus I gave people the choice of joining me for a beer afterwards if they didn't want to/couldnt' do dinner.

Unless told otherwise I would assume everyone would pay there own way. Also people buy own drinks.

Set menu with set price can help!!! my 30th we had a set menu and everyone knew cost before aggreeing to come and they bough drinks at bar.

Trish, a friend of mine when she turned 21 had a big night at a restaurant & she and her folks paid for it all ... So when she rang me the other week confirming my postal address to send the birthday invite for her 30th that will be at the same restaurant that she did her 21st years ago i instantly told her i would be there with bells on ... i thought again she & her folks would be paying this time as well ... I got the invite on Friday & when i read the top of the invite i thought how lovely she is inviting also my DD wow how generous ... then i read the bottom $45 per head banquet, soft drinks & wines provided ... Only i nearly fell over as that's $45 x 3 of us = $135 plus $petrol for nearly 2hr drive & $birthday gift ... I thought alot to ask for a 30th birthday celebration.

Anyway, teach me a lesson for assuming.

Moral of the story make sure it is mentioned on invites people are expected to pay for the meal eg, approx amount per head/meal ?? as my friends Hubby sent out invites for his 40th & there was no mention we were to pay & we got caught out at the restaurant with not enough money on us as the restaurant staff said they wouldn't split the bill with efpos or credit card payment & we embarrassingly asked the birthday boy if we could borrow some money just for that night until we got to a ATM later that night :redface:

For my 40th i mentioned on invites the price per head for the banquet at the Italian restaurant we went to in a function room there, even mentioning what they get for their money eg, pizza, pasta, salad & dessert for $15 per head, so it looked generous for the price & also soft drink & wine provided ... and i clearly stated on the invites no gifts to be given as my gift was for everyone coming to help celebrate my special occasion ... the invite was a success & was accepted with positive outcomes ... Some gave a gift, some gave a small gift & some gave none BUT that was all fine by me as i expected none as i requested !!

If it is at a place where the menu is online direct people there.
Another thing to check is will they let people pay separately. Went somewhere recently and they wouldn't allow this.
I cannot think of the wording but one invite said no presents as guests would be paying for their meal, drinks were able to be purchased at the bar. Something like that.
I think as it's older people coming I would mention that they are paying for the meal as I know it's something they are not used to and will save them being embarrassed at the end of the night.

We're in the process of organising the IL's 45th wedding anniversary, and we were originally going to pay for it all ourselves. But since our circumstances have changed, IL's suggested we ask people to pay for their own meal in lieu of bringing gifts. We're putting it on the invites, so people can decide for themselves whether they want to come or not - this is what we've put:

'After 45 years of marriage, - and - would appreciate that each person pay for their own meal and drinks, in lieu of gifts'

I've got this on a separate card to the invitation, being sent out at the same time. Then I've mentioned the cost per adult, with the entree and choices for mains. If I get a job soon we'll be able to set up a drinks tab, which will be announced on the night, but if not, at least people are prepared, KWIM?

If you mention it on the invites, then people won't have to assume. At the end of the day, whether they come or not is up to them :)

I must know different 'old' people to you guys. I reckon the ones i know would assume that dinner at a restaurant for a birthday would be pay for your own meal. That's how all the ones i have been to have worked. who has enough to pay for everyone's meal?

And for your MIL's party, i also don't think you have to say no gifts just because people are paying for their own meal.

Thanks so much everyone for your opinions :D

We think we might give a link to the restaurant's menu (if there is one) and mention the mains prices, hopefully that will make it obvious without sounding rude!

I generally think the host is paying unless I'm told otherwise.

I don't mind being told I'm paying for my meal though! That's fine. So long as I know and have a vague idea of costs. I generally take some cash with me for drinks etc and know where the nearest cashpoint is - DH or I can dash to it and leave the other one in the restaurant!

The card could say:
Come celebrate X's birthday! We're celebrating at Y restaurant on the 19th of August at 7.00pm (for eg). We have enclosed a menu with prices on for your information. Please bring a bit extra if you would like drinks.

Love,
Me.

To accept such an invitation I would make sure that I was OK with either scenario. There are also cultural differences that would determine the likelihood of paying. I would feel that such an invitation would usually be paid for especially considering the age of the person. Young people and older people I would think an invitation would mean they re inviting you to the dinner. However, for the 18-40 age bracket I would expect to pay for myself.

Having said that I would only accept invitations if I were happy and prepared to pay for myself. Anything else is a bonus.

Why don't they just write it in the invites that it's a pay for your meal thing?

I wouldn't have any expectations... I would go prepared to pay, so as not to get caught out.

But I do think it's best to make it clear on the invites...I think linking the restaurant is a great idea, but maybe might not be enough for some people? I would put something along the lines of not needing to bring a gift as they will be paying for their meal (nicer wording perhaps;)).

Also, is there an option for people who don't want to eat to join in? If there is then I would make that clear too, so people don't decline the invitation due to money troubles IYKWIM.

So how did the party go?
I hope you all enjoyed it.

It's a great idea to put it on the invitation. This covers the etiquette of if people receive an invitation, in etiquette standards means the meal is paid for. If this is stated on the invitation then all the boxes are ticked. At the end of the day who pays is not important, I doubt any one will even bat an eyelid and they will be thrilled to be there to celebrate a remarkable feat 45 years!

Enjoy the awesome party!

We recently had my uncles 70th at a restaurant and it was pay for your own food but strictly no presents. Was a great day :)