Why Would She Say No?

Once again..not sure if this is in the right spor...if not feel free to move it mods :lol:

Background info ... ever since DP and i have been together DSD's mother has been asking for more child support, as long as ive known him he has always been paying more then CSA ask...some of you that are familiar with my story will know my frustrations with DP's ex

Currently DSD is in preschool, starting 'big school' in 2010. Now i thought this might be a huge financial burden on DP's Ex (Lets call her "S") so suggested to DP we offer to change their child support arrangment (he thought it was a great idea)...being that it is a private arrangment this wouldnt be an issue provided both parties agree.

I suggested we cease the weekly cash deposits into S's bank account and instead would foot the bill for ALL School fees, uniforms, excersions, extra curricula activities etc ... i get a text saying "no thanks im fine paying for all of Miss K's schooling" ... :wall: im trying to HELP her, i know that it would sum up to A LOT more then the Child Support we are paying plus it would directly be benefitting Miss K?

On average how much would you pay for school, sports, uniforms etc per year?

Ah well, you can lead a horse to water...

I'll get back to you on the $$$, but just because she says no, doesn't mean it can't happen.

Is it a private school?

It might even be cheaper for HER to pay since she has a HCC, she may also get a rebate..maybe why she says no?

Maybe it's easier for her to accept cash but what you're offering might seem like charity to her?? Dunno. I sure know that if someone offered to pay for my kids uniforms I would take it.

mmm not a private school, but even still with uniforms, class trips, all that stuff surely it has to be expensive...

I guess the main fact is that we offered? She may feel differently in the long run...who knows

hmm strange. maybe she is going to try and stop DD going to teh private school and if she says she is paying and that she may say its to expensive etc etc and send her to the local public school.

i know if someone offered to pay my kids school fees etc id jump at teh chance.

or maybe she doesnt realise teh costs involved in private schooling and things your trying to get the cheap end of teh bargain and you will be better off doing this and she will miss out on something.

If it is a public school, then it probably won't cost her that much unitl her DD is older. Ie, at public school - fees are optional, school uniforms can often be picked up cheap or secondhand, text books are provided (loaned) to the students free of charge, school excursions when younger tend to be cheap or free, etc.

If you are talking private school then that is a whole other kettle of fish. Catholic schools are somewhere in between.

She may not want to do that now, so don't worry about it - but once high school comes into the equation then maybe you could bring it up again?

Well you asked her and she answered I spose....

Thanks for all the responses ... :lol:

im still slamming my head against a wall we pay a fortune in csa and well atmtrying to reduce it in my dps and ex wifes divorse she got the lott and now shes *****ing cause her and her other half busted up and she only works part time and well she needs the money which is close to a thousand a month to help her live pfft the kids 5 dosent cost that much to feed and water i also offered the olive branch of we will foot schooling but nope she want have a part of it


i hope you find a solution cause i know the frustation ur feeling

mis tree im not sure as to why she came to that decision, im sure when the time comes and she needs the help we certainly arent going to say no, but should she ask for more money (on top of CSA money)..we will be paying the school directly lol

Thanks again for the responses!

Why would she say no?

maybe cos she would prefer cash, rather than her ex dictating where the money gets spent.

(i have no argument either way, but that would be my thought if i was in her position)

It is not us dictacting...its us trying to make sure the money is benefiting his daughter, thats all.

Sorry, just trying to throw something in there that she might be thinking.

no worries :lol: good to get all types of views on any situation

Ammaki I would suggest too it sounds a bit too controlling to her. I know that's not how you mean it - just step outsde the circle and look at it from her perspective. If it were me it would perhaps feel controlling.

State school grade one is really not expensive at all - so what you would have to pay for wouldnt be in most cases really xxy...

I think it would just be run of the mill to help out with the costs of uniforms and books etc & I would suggest it again early in the new year.

Murrysmum: csa is calculated on the non custodial parents & the custodial parents income & that sets the bench mark for how that child would have been cared for.

I'd knock back that offer too because primary school fees aren't that much PLUS if I was a single parent I'd rather know how much I was getting per week and then it's up to me how I budget it.

I don't think we'd have paid much more than $500 for DSD school uniform, fees and books and she's in high school so I think that primary school would be substantially less. Don't get me wrong, $500 is not a drop in the ocean but I'm betting the child support works out much more than that over the year.

Youre right fionas $500 is a lot cheaper then our CS, im just going off what my mum pays for my sisters school fees and its not cheap...but thats fine, it is completely her perogitive to reject the offer so we will continue the way we are now :lol:

As a single Mum, I would be annoyed that you guys want to be in charge of the money.

If you guys have issues with paying the extra child support, then just pay what you have to and let it be. Things are way complicated when parents break up, I say just stick to the usual rules and everything will be simple.

per year...

For one child in a private school I pay

$277 in fees per term (3 terms per year)
$200 in school uniforms
$100 on shoes

Thats all :) So it's not much here.

Thanks missy! :lol:

I should also add that the boys father pays for half of everything anyways, so I would tell him no too lol

Yeah, I probably pay $100-$150 a year for public school for 1 child.
Fee's are optional, & only I think $20 a year. Uniforms are pretty cheap if you go to Big W (they stock most uniform colours). Its only around $5 for each item of clothing. Maybe $20 for shoes.
There aren't many excursions etc in the first few years, & what there is, the P&C often tries to help with the costs to reduce the amount parents pay.
TBH, it wouldn't be fair. I know you guys are trying to do the right thing by your DSD, but that just wouldn't be it.
Good luck working it out though.

Ammaki - Fees differ hugely by state. At my state school, prep has a larger parent contribution (around $100 I think as opposed to $20 for the rest of the school) and then school buys all the supplies. Parents just supply uniforms, hat, shoes, library bag, lunch box etc. After prep, equipment is the carers responsibility - it differs between grade levels from around $50 to $100 to buy. Preps do few excursions, so I can't see it being too expensive.

HTH :)

I hope you can all come to some kind of arrangement that works for everyone.

Personally if my ex offered to pay for all their schooling, I'd be fine with that. Kindy is not so bad but after that, the excursions, events and mufti days starts really hurting the bottom line. As it was this week we have spent about $10 on mufti, $25 on an excursion to Sydney, $20 on the sports carnival and $5 on Angies sport. The week before that they had a show on at the school and a different mufti. So that was another $20 week. The school contribution in $150 for the 3 in primary and $155 for Angie in High school. It just keeps adding up. Hell, the first week the high school sent back a permission slip for a $80 overnight peer support camp for Angie. I actually found that horrific - peer support is meant to be for everyone, not just those whose parents can afford it.

But in all honesty, there are some women that dislike the idea - but I fully agree that the one paying the child support should have some actual evidence that the money truly is benefiting the child. When me and DH were separated for a little while, he was asked to pay me $120 a week for the two kids. We made an arrangement that he pays $100 a week off the rent and brings over a bag of nappies and a tin of formula a week. It was just over the $120 and he knew for a fact that it was going to support his kids. Although my XH gives far far less ($28 per month for the two), I keep it aside for their school activities such as the $80 camp and the $25 sydney excursion.

While I do want them to know it benefits their kids - I do believe it has to be day to day expenses - not a bunch of extras. If XH said I had to use it to buy them toys I'd tell him to go jump. Rent, food, clothes, school expenses. The point of child support is to share those.

well that would have been ok 10 mnths ago but my bf left his job in the mines and his earnings dropped big time from 98 thou to 52 thou and well we asked to have it changed and she refused we tried private agreement money each week plus schooling no

its frustrating as its stupid we only get a set amount and after paying bills ect ourselves there isnt a grand a month left iykwim

i think shes beeing greedy

i hope you get some answers soon csa is a nightmare

CSA should work it out based on his actual income - not what the payee wants.

Is it based on his actual income, or what he was earning before? Because if its his previous years income, then she is gonna get a big bill at the end of the financial year. Might be worth advising her of that.

I am a bit confused Murrysmum... It is not the parents who set the CSA amount it is the CSA themnselves. So, if your partners earnings have halved it really surprises me that the CSA have not adjusted it.

we cant change it as it was adjusted and changed at start of the year basicly we are getting screwed around they said they can adjust it for 2 mnths then it will go back to the same rate as they havent recived his taxble earnings and we have sent it 3 times

ive asked her many a time to ring and try and find answers her end and she wont basicly we just got to wait it out till january and witha new bub on the way we will need all the cash we can save

private agremment u can go any time as my ex and me have it for my son he pays me a certian amount each year and thats that simple done and easy

Well it should change as soon as you put in your tax (or your partner rather puts in his tax). CS is adjusted each financial year when tax is done. So, if you do your tax soon that will alter what your partner is required to pay.

If you have a statement of projected earnings from a current employer that can also be used to prove what you are being paid.

Murrysmum - When DH & I seperated his CSA was based on the previous financial year - over 50k. I rang them & told them that he wasn't going to earn that much this year. I think he signed a form (or it may have been a phone call) & they adjusted it.
If he earns more than he tells them, then he'll owe when tax is done next.
CSA sets the rate & she can't decide weather they change it to suit his income or not. Thats up to them. If she says no, I think its probably because she is sticking with the CSA arrangements so every thing works out even.

As a single parent of a primary school aged child, I would not accept her father paying for school things instead of child support.

From my point of view, I have done it for the last three years, same for my sons early intervention and kinda and would not want him getting involved now. I wouldn't want notes for swimming or music lessons or excursion fees or whatever going to him to pay. I like to know they're going to get paid. Plus it's more stuff I would have to talk to him about that I could avoid.

Caits fees at govt. school are under $200 a year. If you start buying pieces of the uniform now, or can get it though friends with older kids, it's not much.

The CSA formula changed July last year ... the govt want you to meet the costs of raising your own children, fair enough, but then my child support was cut in half, so the government benefits go up, not by the same amount, but still up. I rip their newsletters up and send them back now.

Thanks for all the advice, this situation has been put to rest (in our household) lol. So all sorted on our end.

As i said we are happy to keep going the way things are going i just thought it would have worked out better for her on her end. We arent angry, arent feeling 'ripped off' or anything like that, all is sweet :lol:

murraysmum, you can definately call the CSA and ask for a re evaluation? I made sure of that incase we ever go through them as DP is a trady so his pay tends to change week to week.

Inertia, thank you for your personal example! :D Thats all we were really asking, to make sure DSD is actually benefiting from the CS. If that sounds controlling then i guess we are controlling ... i think DP has a right to ensure his daughter is cared for properly.

Anyway, thanks again :lol:

im happy you have it sorted out!

my first impression was that she preferred to have more 'income' to budget with. but anyways, glad its sorted!

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Inertia, thank you for your personal example! :D Thats all we were really asking, to make sure DSD is actually benefiting from the CS. If that sounds controlling then i guess we are controlling ... i think DP has a right to ensure his daughter is cared for properly.

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I don't find it any more controlling than me controlling what food they eat when I do the weekly shopping, or what clothes they are going to wear when I go buy them. TBBH, the custodial parent some times tends to take these things for granted and doesn't realise that they have all the control in day to day expenses and care decisions. Court custody arrangements used to specifically state that - custodial parent has control over all day to day decisions and any long term are joint. Well I don't agree. DH had just as much right to have a say in what formula I was feeding his bub as I did. Now I know there are some exs out there that would use that kind of approach to hurt their ex. "I dont want him eating $2.50 cheese slices, I want him to be eating $7 ones" - but you know what, thats what child support is for. DH wanted me to stay in the house so he paid half the rent to ensure I could afford to. He wanted his children to be able to have NAN and Huggies, so he put his money towards ensuring that. My XH wanted our kids to have all the advantages of other kids - so his money gets put towards their school activities so they could have the advantages of their peers. Granted he has nothing more to do with them (his decision), but I have made a point of finding a way to cover his wishes for his kids with the laughable amount of money he pays towards their support.

So long as s/he is willing to put in the necessary effort (including money) to be an active part in their childs life, then I am all for them having their say in their childs upbringing. Its not being controlling - its caring for their child.