Single dad unsure about more kids ?

Hi,

I just joined the forum after coming across it. I'm a single father to my son who turns 3 in a couple of weeks. It?s just been me and him since his mother and I separated when he was 2 weeks old. I have been the sole carer of him since then. She doesn't play any role in his life, we haven't seen her in 2 years. I know a bit of a strange situation. But my son and I are both happy and I wouldn't change a thing.

Being a single parent has its ups and downs, but it all worth it in the end. But lately I find myself thinking about the future and wondering about having more kids or not. I have always wanted more than 1 child. But after my last experience, it has left me a little scared about the whole idea of trusting someone enough to have a child with them. As i don?t want to have another child then have a failed relationship. If I knew we would last and be happy, I would love to have another child.

As I said my son is about to turn 3. I never really wanted a large age gap in between my kids. So I'm starting to think that even though I want more kids it may be off the cards for me. As if I were to have another child, for starters I would need to meet someone (obviously), then have a strong enough relationship and be sure that it was the right person to have children with again. So this could be no sooner than at least 2-3 years down the track. By that stage my son would be coming up to being 7 by the time the next child would be born. Which I think is a rather large gap in between kids.

But I suppose this doesn't really matter as I'm only turning 22 this year. So my age isn't going to be a factor. Just don't want to make my situation even more complicated, by risking having more kids, sadly by seeing how many relationships actually last these days. But then again, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Plus I keep finding myself so clucky when I see newborns in the super market.

So was just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation before and how things turned out for them. Or if you have any advice? Well thanks for reading :)

David

Hi there David,

I am thankful that I am not a single father - we have three children. But I just wanted to pop my head in as another guy and say hi, and welcome to the forums, and also to mention how nice it is to see a 22 year old guy as down to earth as you. Especially to be coping as a single father of a three year old. Good on you.

:Welcome: to BellyBelly.

Mate,

Good on ya for giving a child what they deserve for starters under pretty demanding circumstances.

You're only 22, with such a world ahead of you and the chance to meet the next person to sweep you off your feet. I'm clearly not aware of you previous relationship, but you will know when the time is right with the partner you are right for.

I'd say in my humble observation, don't let the age gap in children deter you, with some more time ahead of you, think much you'll have learnt as a dad! A big brother and sister might be a wonderful blessing.

There are enough opinions here to draw enough to get you going but get uot there and learn...single fathers are so unrepresented; I think we don't show enough for you blokes.

All the very best.

Hey,

I didn't want a huge age gap either...but it ended up being 12 years! As my little one got older I had more time to get out there and do things, build a career, get a nice car, savings etc.
I had a few different relationships but none of them were right for children in the end and I am thankful I didn't end up tied to an ex through their child - the bunfights, the access visits, the arguments.
You will meet someone but you know you can't force it, and you know whats at stake by rushing into having a child.

So - I ended up waiting 12 years (my choice though, lets get that clear!), and had two more. In fact my eldest was there when her brother was born and it had such a positive effect she wants to be a midwife :D
I'm single again, but again my choice and the ex is someone like me who puts the kids welfare first, sees them whenever he likes and supports me to stay home with them (as much as he can) - so it's the next best thing to a 'proper' marriage/relationship...and actually far better than a lot of marriages I know.

So the upshot - it works out ok in the end. Life can be messy no matter what you do but it's lots less messy when kids are born into a happy home.

xoxoxoxo

Wow congrats on being there for your Son and being the kind of dad I wish my son had...

Although a female I know EXACTLY how you feel... I grew up as a only child and while it was ok at the time as mum was a single mum.. she re married when I was 8 and had 2 other kids 3 years apart.... they are now 17 and 14 and I really wish I had a sibling around my age.. I often dont feel totally apart of the family when im around them.. i feel like the odd one out... and I dont want to have that feeling passed onto my son should I find someone down the tract.

I never really wanted kids but now that I have my son a family is just what I want, although I would like to have another before im 30.. im 26 now so that doesn't leave me a whole lot of time.. ha ha

I think that if you dont stress out about it something good will happen.. your only 22 you have PLENTY of time.. for now you just have to be the best dad you can be for your little boy...

Hi Im a single mum of one and I tried dating and got pregnant again. By the end of this year Ill be a single mum of 4. Age was never a factor cz you never know your son could cope better as a big brother with a bit of an age gap. Im worried cz my DS is so young lol
I understand what you mean with regards to having a new relationship as DS' father has very little to do with him using the excuse hes only 24 and shouldnt be tied down with kids and the triplets father is a very violent and controlling person I dont want near me and my kids.
Sorry for the ramble but chin up darl. If things are going to happen theyll happen and worrying will do you no good

hi and welcome, sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your little boy, well done!

I have similar felings to you about more children. My DS turned 3 in May and like you I am very clucky and would love more babies one day, but I do worry that if i ever find someone good enough to have babies with, there will be such an age gap that DS will feel the odd one out. I think the best thing we can do is concentrate on our DS' and take life as it comes. I am certainly not looking for another partner, but I am open to another relationship in the future if it comes my way. For now we need to do the best we can with what we have

Hi and welcome to BB.

Well done on being a young single male and being an amazing father to your son.

I hope BB is what you are looking for.

HI.
Dont worry about the age gap, you cant do much about it now. As you said, its already there because its unlikely you`ll be in the situation to change this within the next year or 2.
I did not want a big age gap, but there is 6 years between my kids and thats with them having the same father - my husband. So even if you were in a stable relationship with someone and you were both ready to have kids, you cant tell what would happen. It may not be that you could have them all closer in age anyway for one reason or another.

At 22, you know you have alot of time ahead of you. I`m sure when the time is right you will meet someone lovely and hopefully you`ll be able to make babies together ;)
But that could be a year from now or 15 years from now.

YOu sound like a really loving dad.

I just wanted to pop in and congratulate you on being such a strong and supportive Dad to your DS....
You've done such an amazing job and at such a young age!

I wouldn' worry about the age gap too much - there is 8 years between my bro and me and we're really close :)

welcome.

well my now hubby had a child and gained sole custordy of him 5 years ago now, he is now 9.
he doesnt see or speak to his mother much maybe twice a eyar if he is lucky.

he was 7 when our first little girl came along, and he will be 9 when the next bundle arrives.

he loves being a big brother, even though he has 5 other brothers and another sister from his mum but once again never sees them.

the age was big and not planned by hubby, he was very similar to you decided one was enough as the age gap would be to much and so forth, then he met me and things changed lol..

so there is hope and it can turn out great.

dont give up just yet your still young and you have a great outlook on life and positive influence on your son.

My first thought was that I hoped you found someone around your age in a similar situation who already has a child LOL. Create a blended family while the kids are still little and you get a sibling for your child as well as a loving partner. Well..that would be the dream situation maybe!

I'm 31 about to be a single mum and have never wanted an only child. So I reckon when I start dating again I'll be open to dating other people with kids! I don't fancy being pregnant a second time at this stage.

Best of luck!

Just wanted to say thanks for all the nice comments and good advice. Has made me a little more open minded on the topic :D


Been looking at getting back into the dating game, but I'm so out dated in that department, so kind of gave up :doh: Seem most girls my age have completely different interests and stuff. Plus when a lot of them find out I have a child, it scares them off, or they get sick of it once they find out I can't come out every weekend and drink all night with them. So I just take things as they come. But after just moving to Cairns (use to live in Melbourne) and knowing no one, you kind of miss that adult conversation and company.

I start my new job up here next week so looking forward to hopefully making some new friends.

yeh its a tough age
i find my friends i went to school with are like that so we dont socialise much any more i ahev kids and a husband and they have their nightclubsa nd booze.

hopefully you will meet some great people with your new job and maybe even meet some people through play groups or the like.

Welcome to BellyBelly. Hopefully, you can enjoy a bit of interaction around here :)

Good luck for the new job!

ETA: I can understand feeling a bit disconnected from people your age. I'm 21 and most of my friends are long off having children so don't really understand where I am coming from most of the time.

hey single dad :) its lovely to see that you have taken on the role of sole carer of your adorable son... whats his name?
i think you are one great guy, i am 21 and about to give birth to my first son and i know exactly how you feel about being so young and the change in interests. i take my hat off to you for taking responsibility and do believe you will find that dream girl, and if shes scared off with the fact of your son then both of you dont need her :D live for eachother
there is plenty of lovely ladies around here that im sure would be willing to lend advice and a shoulder to lean on when needed, if you need someone to chat to feel free.

good luck with everything

Thanks, his name is Tyler. And best wishes for your new little boy :D

Just wanted to pop in and say wow your amazing!
And as far as age gaps there is 10 year between me and my little brother who is 14 so age isnt that much of an issue
anyways i look foward to seeing you around

btw: your son is adorable!

:

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I just wanted to pop in and congratulate you on being such a strong and supportive Dad to your DS....
You've done such an amazing job and at such a young age!

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:yeahthat: And WELCOME to BB! Don't be a stranger! :happyforyou:

Just want to reiterate - don't worry about the age gap thing. I know siblings with very small age gaps who can't stand each other and siblings with large age gaps who are best buds. My DP is one of four brothers. The first three were born with a two year age gap between each one then there was an eight-year age gap before DP (so he's the youngest). Of the four of them, the two siblings who are the best mates are DP and his next-oldest brother. The eldest three, who are the closest in age, don't see each other much or have much in common.

As an old fart, can I just say that life tends to have a way of working out just fine. You just have to be patient sometimes so don't get hung up on finding someone in a hurry. A lot of relationships are started because people don't want to be on their own or give themselves a self-imposed deadline ... only for it to all end in tears.

Enjoy your little boy, enjoy life ... you've got a lot to look forward to!!!

fiona, I love your advice, perfect!

Welcome to BellyBelly! What an amazing job you're doing for your son. I can only imagine what you must be feeling and going through. You and your son must have been through a lot, and will no doubt go through a lot in the future. But you are still young, and so is your son, and you both have plenty of time for new adventures.
I wish you all the best with your upcoming job, and I hope you and your son enjoy it here in this lovely town of ours :D

ETA: I just read in another post of yours that you're a Centrelink CSA, do you still work at Centrelink? I work in the Cairns Call Centre.

Hi & welcome to BB.
As you can see its a great place with the best support & advice!!
Good on you for taking care of your DS the way you are. Not many men your age could be bothered...single or not.
I had my babies at 18, 21 & 24, so I know about feeling left out of your age group...trust me! Can't drink all night & sleep all day, lol. I'd personally just sleep all day!
Things will happen when they are meant to :) You are still very young! Who knows you might meet a great woman with kids of her own similar age to your DS.
A bigger age gap can be a bonus too :) They can help out alot more ;)

Hi,

Just wanted to say you sound like a reat guy and there is definitely some one out there for you. It is understandable u feel this way but I am sure there is someone who would love to go through the whole journey with you and share parenthood. Don't worry about the age gap, perhaps you might even meet someone who already has a child around ur sons age?!

Thanks everyone for the nice comments :redface: It has been a journey, with ups and downs, but I have enjoyed it and wouldn't change a thing!

Jodi, that's the job I'm starting next monday. I'm going to being in the Cairns call centre too. Might run into you there one day.

Welcome to belly belly, singledad.

We are all parents here, or about to me, or wanting to be, all on some kind of a journey.

i have one child, and she came along late in my life (not my choice) and i sometimes worry about her being an only child, and what the gap might be, if a miracle happened, and i did have another child. Her father and i live together, but as housemates, co-parenting. R'ship is non existent but neither of us can raise a bond to move out, so we stay.

So i'm in a bizarre situation of living in the same unit as my child's father, but feeling, in many ways, like a single parent.

The great thing about forums like this, is when you are going thru whatever with your child, you can post questions, or have a vent, and other people pop up, sharing what they tried with their child, in that same or similar situation - or just commiserate with you.

Much of parenting, i have found pretty lonely (in real life), so it's been great to get support like this, in this cyber way.

I relate to what you said, about people WITHOUT kids, thinking about life so differently. I've experienced that with people older than myself too, so to my surprise, it's not just a "young clubbers" attitude, any agegroup can have it. Including ones that DID have kids, but that was decades ago, and they've forgotten what it's like.

I've just toilet trained my child a few months ago, so sing out if you still want info on that topic. If i can help, i will.

Welcome, i think it takes a brave man to join a forum with a predominantly female membership. But you have lots in common, we all love our kids to bits.

Hi and welcome to BB!

I think your concern is one all single parents have, whether they have one or ten children from a previous relationship.

Im a single mum to 3 boys - all under 3 - so they are all pretty close age-wise and relationship-wise. Considering I too am only young, there is always the possibility I could end up meeting someone who would like more children and Ive had a bit of a think about the fact that there would be a big gap between kids and Im not sure I like the idea because it could turn it into a mine vs ours situation.

But in the end, siblings are siblings and I think its better to make sure its a solid loving relationship your bringing another child into rather than hurry into a relationship for the sake of having another baby because of an age gap.

FWIW, I was 7.5 when my brother was born (he's my full sibling though) and I thought it was AWESOME. I also had a sister who was 2yrs younger than me. I loved being able to help my mother out with him and we still are very close today (well as close as I can be to a moody 17yo lol)

I can share a couple of experiences that people I know have had with single parenting (dads) and having more kids in new relationships. When I was in high school I met a guy who was the sole parent to a gorgeous little 2-year-old girl. Her mother had some issues with substance abuse and unfortunately wanted as little to do with her daughter as possible, so this guy was 21 and doing it all on his own. I introduced him to one of my friends and about five years later, they are very happily married and have a little boy as well. The age gap doesn't seem to worry them, and my friend would love to have at least one more bub to add to her family, but they're just seeing how they go with finances for the time being.

My DH is another kid who was raised by a single dad - his parents split up when he was 2 and sadly, we have no idea whether his mother is even alive today. She expressed no desire to be involved in his life, which is sad, but DH's dad met a beautiful (inside and out) woman when DH was 6, and they were together for 17 years and DH has a half-brother from that relationship. The age gap is 7 years, but as kids they always got along great - there were enough years between them for most of the bickering etc to not exist, and DH being the older sibling took on the protective role at school etc so for the most part they got along great, and although they played together a lot they also had their own groups of friends their own ages. DH's brother lives with us now and we have taken on more 'parent' roles with him because he is not quite 17 and needs guidance, but we are still close enough to him in age to understand what it's like to be a teenager and we can get through to him on issues like drinking, the birds and the bees and paying bills etc because we're not 'old fuddy-duddies' like parents.

In my eyes these are both overall pretty positive experiences, so please don't let the thought of an age gap get you down! There are pros and cons to every situation - hey, sometimes I think a 2-year age gap between my girls was a stupid idea because I'm now juggling a tantrum-throwing toddler as well as a newborn :) But you have age working on your side, hun - you're still so young and the majority of my friends our age haven't settled into serious relationships yet, so you plenty of time to find the right person who is going to be a great mum to your little boy and the children you will have with them in future! I know how you feel about a lot of people our age just wanting to party it up and not have the responsibility of kids, but trust me, there ARE heaps of wonderful ladies out there who are just waiting for the right guy to come along and make their lives complete... and you could well be that guy!
Best of luck, good on you for taking responsibility for your little man the way too many other men don't. Welcome to BB, hope you can make some more friends on here and get the support you need, being a single parent with a toddler!

Hi Singledad,

Just wanted to wish you all the best with the new job tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I'm sure I'll see around :D

Great to see such a young man take great resposibility. I'm sure Tyler will benefit from it greatly throughout his life. Welcome to Cairns also. I've been here about 12 years and call myself a local so if you ever need any advice on anything or just a chat drop me a line. Take care. xxoo

Congrats on being such a great role model to your son.

On age gaps - there is nearly 25 years between my brother and myself - we share the same mother but different fathers.

Good luck with it all, when the time is right, somebody will come along for you.