Something not quite right..
Sorry if this is too long for some ppl, but I just really need to get this off my chest without having someone look at me with tears in their eyes, or the look at utter sadness on their faces...
I'm 23yrs, 24 on wednesday andfor 10yrs have always had issues with my reproductive organs, from a young age i was told that my chances of having a baby were slim to none. At first i was devestated, all i have ever wanted to be was a mum, then time passes and you forget, I was young it's not something that I was thinking about as a near future advnture.....
Then I met this wonderful wonderful man, we fall in love and want to start a family together, but again not few a few years at least, then at the start of 2009 i get some unusually painful period, so i go to my specialist who informs me that unless I start for a family and succeed within the next 6 mths my chances of a natural pregnancy are less than 15%...
My partner being as wonderful as he is twists my arm :) to start asap... It took us just 7mths to fall pregnant, I took my first pregnancy test on the 31st August 2009, and can not explain the enjoyment, excitement and sheer terror i felt when those 2 blue lines appeared!! My partner and I waited a few more days before telling our family... meanwhile I had taken 4 more tests just to be sure!
Then about a week or 2 later I just woke up and didn't 'feel' the way I thought I would or should, but didn't think anymore of it at the time, we were having a baby and that's all that mattered!
We made the appt with my GP who referred me to our very first ultrasound appt on Wednesday 26th August 2009 everything has been going on smoothly, mornin sickness, tiredness, sore boobs...
We have our ultrasound, and the first thing that I say, is "there's no baby is there"... I still don't know why I said that, it just came out of my mouth, but there was, there was a gorgeous baby, 6wks 5days, heart beat 126bpm... I cried I was that happy, but yet I still thought, why did I say there was no baby!!
Thursday 27th 5.30am, I wake up for work go to the toilet and find blood on the toilet paper,i scream the house down and wake my partner, I just didn't know what was going on, we had a healthy baby not 12hrs earlier, and now I'm bleeding.
There was no pain, nothing, just light brown blood, like spotting, which after reading a million things on the internet I read can be quite normal, but something didn't feel right inside..
Friday 29th Still bleeding, now turning red, my GP sends me again to the ultrsound, and for blood tests, I'mm 100% positive, I'm losing the baby, nope apparently not, the ultrsound tech shows me my wonderful baby of joy with a heart beat now of 149bpm, and they tell me there is 'no evidence of a threatened miscarraige' in big bold letters on the report... This made me feel slightly at ease, but by now everything was numb, i was still bleeding and no one could tell me why! I had pictures of my baby with a healthy heart beat and nothing to suggest the worst... My GP read the report and said it sounded promising, to stay home for the next few days, rest and if the bleeding got worse or if i started to get pain go to the hospital...
Saturday, 30th seems like a blur, i stayed home with my partner continued to bleed but no pain.. I couldn't even tell you what happened I can only remember what happened sunday...
Wake up Sunday morning, with a sense of hope, no blood on pad or on toilet paper, great!!! 10.30am, it all starts, pain in the stomach, clots small but still there... we go to the hospital, we're im seen straight away, blood is taken to check my HCG levels... Internal done to check my cervix is closed and think, which they said it was, which is good...
So basically through all this blood the doctors are giving me all positve information that my baby is going to be ok, there is a strong hearbeat, my cervix is closed, and were just waiting on the HCG levels... you'd think I'd start to feel better, but I didn't I just knew somewhere something wasn't righ.... I have an intense pain in my stomach and feel a rush of blood, the nurse checks, and there are no clots, she says that a good sign... Now I have to wee... They give me a basin to collect whatever may come out...
I felt my baby come out of me, I instantly felt empty, without even having looked at it, I knew I had lost my baby just then in that moment.... I turn and look at the kidney shaped blood clot lying in the basin and I clearly see the tissue cells in the top left corner... I felt nothing, i didn't even cry, i think i had cried so much in the last 4days i had nothing left. I call the nurse to collect it so they could send it off for testing, i walk back to my room, where I tell my partner what has just happened..
Not even 2 mins later the Doctor comes in with a smile on her face to tell us that my HCG levels were going up at a good rate.... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.... I was so confused, I tell her what has just happened, she goes to inspect.. I look at my partner and feel angry and hope and sadness... what is going on, i had no idea, they are telling me everything is ok, my HCG level are going up, but I just lost the biggest blood clot i have ever seen, I saw tissue matter.. I saw my baby...
She comes back to tell me that yes, it look very likely that I have just past the baby and had a miscarriage, but they won't be able to give me a 100% answer until tomorrow, Monday 31st August...
So I go home knowing within myself that I'm no longer pregnant that I did lose my baby today, and I am so sad, but I can't cry infront of my parents, I don't know why I just can't we're such a close family my brothers and sisters have been with us through this whole thing from day dot, and I just can't...
I dont want to go to sleep, because I know that when I wake up tomorrow, I wont be pregnany anymore, If i stay awake then no one has confirmed that I'm not pregnant so I can till say I am... Please let me be... Please....
Monday 31st August - today - I go to the early pregnancy assessment unit to be told what I already know, that I had in fact had a comlete miscarriage yesterday... There is nothing left inside of me to say that I was ever pregnant, nothing....
I feel empty, but then the painful painful cramps come and then I feel something, I feel guilt, and anger and sadness and frustration. EVeryone around me is so sad, they can't look at me without crying or giving me a hug, and I love them for it, but I wont want it yet, i want to feel while I still can, i felt so numb for so long that when i start to feel something just let me be... let me cry, or scream or punch a pillow... don't stop me feeling by hugging me, let me come to you! Trust me I will come to you, I need you, just in my own time...
Then I find this website, and read these stories and I feel a huge earge to write my own, I know it's so soon, but I really really feel so much better, its taken me over an house to type this, through, tears and pain, but I've done it, and I feel so much better for doing it, I'm still so so sad, but I feel again, i can feel something again, fingers crossed it's HOPE!
I find it strange to look back and realise that something somewhere deep inside of my I knew this wouldn't last, maybe my body was trying to prepare me for something it already knew was going to happen, maybe something happen right at the start of conception, and my body was trying to prepare itself for this... I just hope it's ready again soon, becuase my partner and I want children more than anything, at least this has shown us that we can fall pregnant, and we will fall pregnany again!
Thank you for reading this... This website really has helped me...:clap:
