Coping with other people's babies/toddlers

Hi everyone, Like many of you, I find it tough sometimes, seeing other people's new babies, or seeing my pregnant friends, or being at kids parties. It's just a reminder of what I don't yet have, a reminder of the little angels who I have lost and what could have been.

Anyway, a friend is 8 months pregnant, and has a toddler. The toddler is about to turn two, and we've been invited to the party. He is a gorgeous little boy, but I really don't want to go to the party, and be around other mums and kids etc.
I am also preparing myself for the hospital visit when my friend has her baby soon- always tough I find, being in the maternity ward and staring at a tiny beautiful newborn...my heart breaks a little.

How do you handle these situations?

My friend took a long time, and a couple of losses to conceive #1, but only a few months to conceive # 2. She says she remembers how hard it is, however sometimes can be pretty insensitive, so that I think maybe she has forgotten, or is so wrapped up in her life now she doesn't think about how I might be feeling...which we are all guilty of with different things, I understand that.

Possums, if it helps, I find that there are times when it is easier to handle and times when it is more difficult. I don't know if it's down to mood, hormones or simply what stage of a cycle I'm at, but sometimes I'm fine. And sometimes I'm a bundle of barely-contained emotion, just waiting to burst...

Earlier this year I missed the baby shower for our friend expecting twins because it was 3 days after our BFN for IVF#2 and I just couldn't face it. And yet, a week later, I got through a christening and 1st birthday party without incident. When the twins were born (on our anniversary and halfway through stims for IVF#3), I was fine when we went in to meet them. But 6 weeks earlier (also just after the BFN for IVF#2) I burst into tears when we visited another friend and her new arrival in hospital (fortunately their first child was from IVF so she understood).

I'm at a point now where, if I know its something that I'm going to have difficulty with, or if I'm standing at the door praying for an act of god to get me out of it, I make an excuse - I don't force myself to go. In the case of the baby shower I sent DH in my place. And if it's something I can't get out of then I just need to rely on my friends to understand if I don't handle it well.

ps. By coincidence, the older brother of the twins turns 2 this week and we're supposed to be going to the party this weekend. Of course, AF is due this weekend too for me. I'll be making a decision on the day as to whether or not I go.

First - :hug:

I dont know - all I do beleive is that we are put in this situation cause we are the stronger ones who can handle it.

I have my neice (4) and nephews (1) birthdays coming up and my sister is preggers with her 3rd at the moment. It a sucky time - but you can't blame those little people, its not there fault.

Maybe arrange a time to go see her and the toddler on your own -without the whole "party" thing.

thanks ladies for the understanding...it helps, as does knowing I dont have to be there for everything

I know you've had responses that are saying the same thing as me, but just reading your post made me well up :redface: I totally agree with juniper, I reckon it's a combination of where the hormones are, what stage of a cycle you're at etc.

It's a terrible admission but I find it easier to be happier for those who have had IVF or issues themselves. I believe all my friends should be blessed with the children they desire, but bloody hell don't we all ask, 'when's it [B]my[B]turn??!!

I've actually barely seen one friend who's pregnant for about 3 months partly because when she can I'm not 'in the right place' and make excuses, and when I am, she's too tired.

We're all in that age group where we're surrounded by it though, so it's hard to get away from it. While we were in our last 2ww our friends announced they're having twins, which we both dealt with because where we were in the cycle and we still had hope.
After, I just told DH well now I'm the only one of my friends who doesn't have kids, so at least I don't have to take anyone else's feelings into consideration when we have our good news;)

Hang in there, it can be quite lonely at times I've found, and I've really noticed because I love company, but this year I've become more of a hermit :rolleyes:

Take care, look after no.1 (and DH:D)

I agree with the other ladies - some times it's harder than other times. I spent some time with a colleague and her baby last week and hardly flinched. Another time, right after my early m/c, I had to go to a christening, and found heart sitting in my mouth all day.

I reckon it's okay to say no to events that upset you. If people are not understanding about your absence, perhaps they're not the friends you need right now. One of my colleagues invited me to go baby gift shopping but was completely understanding when I said no. I might feel a bit bad about not going, but it's about protecting myself from further emotional pain.

A friend of my DH recently lost her adult brother. Apparently she's spent a lot of time being angry with other people who have a brother - it's her grief manifesting itself. It might not make much sense to people who have never lost a brother, but it's still something that she has to deal with. If spending time with other men the same age as her brother causes her too much pain, she removes herself from the situation, even if other people think she's rude. It's about protecting herself from further pain.

Anyway, infertility has made me into a person I sometimes don't like, and I'm very different from the person I was before TTC. But I am who I am, and I have to do what is best for me, even if that causes other people annoyance or upset.

I hope you're doing okay. I've been lucky recently because I don't know anyone who is pregnant...except all my family law clients :rolleyes:

Oh this eaaaats me...

I feel the same way - and I think that I am losing some of my closest, dearest friends because of it... I cannot BARE to be around one of my best friends, who got married... concieved a honeymoon baby - had her baby - and her baby is now one, and she's pregnant again! EASY! I have made every excuse under the sun not to see her... I can't deal - she's like, 7 months pregnant and I haven't seen her ONCE in the 7 months...

As for family gigs... I went to Father's Day lunch knowing my husband's cousin's 1 month old would be there... I went there, all positive - even brought a gift... but as soon as they arrived, and I saw the baby being passed around - and the baby being bounced, and loved... it cut me up!!! I just couldn't deal.

And... I'm not even using hormones yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:(

L x

thanks ladies ....:)

I just wanted to come on here and add, that my pregnant friend who is having the 2 yr olds party just emailed me to say she understood if i didnt feel up to coming as there will be lots of kids/babies etc.!! I was so pleased she understood and sent me that email. :D i said I would pop over to see her son sometime before the party

It's lovely when your friends understand what you're going through. I guess that's what makes them true friends! I would make a special point of telling her how much that email meant to you as well, that way she can help spread the love amongst other friends who may not get it in the same way? :)

Enjoy your visit with them both.

gret idea meo!

:) thanks meo...that is a good idea...I replied, but will email now and say how much it means having a friend who understands

well, a further update I wanted to share..after I sent that email, my friend replied saying she understood how hard it is, and how she hopes it won't be too hard for me when her baby is born, and that she will understand if I ever need space, or to stay away etc. and she hopes I will always be honest etc. So this really opened the door to some honest communication and was a great suggestion. I said it would be hard, but I would also want to not be totally removed, as I know its great for her and I want to be a friend, but sometimes I might need some space. I even admitted it's been hard because she fell pregnant so soon after my last miscarriage, and it's hard not to imagine what could have been, or think we should have been sharing being pregnant, having new babies together etc. i felt kinda nervous saying that, but also relieved.

good for you possums. your friend's definately a keeper :-)

Glad it worked out for you possums.

Just wanted to add that I don't handle other people's babies and pregnant bellies at all.

Am supposed to be catching up with a group of friends in a couple of weeks. One has a toddler and recently announced her 2nd pregnancy. Another has a 3 mth old. And I have a feeling the 3rd is going to announce her pregnancy that day. I've decided, like others above, that I'm not going. I don't want to put myself in that uncomfortable situation and I also don't want to be the dampener on what should be a happy occasion for the others. It's certainly not their fault they are fertile and I'm not. Sigh.

In a way it is nice to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

oh mrsP....I put off meeting with someone for months!!! Eventually met them, and at time wasn't too bad...but driving home:rolleyes: the tears came.

I see your sig. shows poss. FET Oct. Are you still on track?

Oh it's hard, isn't it. I find some days a lot easier than others. I was at a BBQ a couple of weeks ago and half the girls were pregnant, and the other half had kids, and there were only three of us without. But I handled it ok, however this morning - on my way to the clinic - there was the most adorable little boy making faces at me, and his mum gave me a huge "isn't my child gorgeous" smile, and I just looked straight through both of them.

I walked behind them to wait for the lift, and he swiveled around to look at me and I swear I almost started crying. His Mum then scolded him to stop staring at me. I'm sure she thought I was some hideous child-hater, but I just couldn't look at him because he was so damn cute and I knew I would cry.

oh ladies, I totally understand and am exactly the same (hence this post!). Sorry it's so hard.

I am not close with my sister in law, and met her little daughter, now 8 months, for the first time last week...i was worried about how I would be...but surprised both myself and DH because I handled it well, and didn't feel too badly afterwards.
Like you have all said, our responses really can vary quite a lot. Only weeks ago I had to leave the table at a work lunch and go into the ladies room to regroup when a lady who had been on maternity leave walked in with her baby for everyone to cuddle.

hang in there everyone...our turn will come!

amaryllis...love the name! ... I do EXACTLY the same!!! sometimes I barely glance and actually avoid all eye contact etc etc around wee ones out and about, other times I must feel more secure and in a 'happy place' and I can enjoy the wonder that is a little being without anything more than a wistful afterthought when i walk away.

Possums..I feel for you re. the lady coming in with her baby...sometimes it just throws us hey? I wish there was a higher level of understanding amongst the sisterhood out there that it's not easy for all, and sometimes it's damn hard for some of us to share others' happiness...but there's flippin' good reasoning behind it. I for sure know, that I apologised to my girlfriend because way back in my 20s (:redface::rolleyes:), she told me she was trying and whenever I saw her I asked if she had any news for me. If I knew an eighth then what I know now I'd not have done that to her or anyone else I may have inadvertantly upset re. the subject of having children. As it turns out, she was blessed with 2 pretty close together and had her 3rd last year.

Wow hindsight...

oh absolutely...hindsight...I have been guilty before my losses of saying the dreadful comment "it obviously wasn't meant to be..blah blah"...noone ever wants to hear that. All people want is understanding that its awful and a hug.
i have also been guilty of saying nothing when i didnt know what to say. another bad move. say something that shows you care. when my friends say nothing i feel hurt.
anyway, I guess we are more sensitive understanding people now!

I totally hear where you're coming from. I went to a 2 year old birthday party last week and a very large proportion of the mum's there with 2 yr olds were due to have another in the next few months. It's so hard!!!

The thing I try to hold at the forefront of my mind is something I read in the paper recently from a chinese accupuncturist who said that you should try to encourage into your life that which you seek or wish for yourself. Easier said than done sometimes, but I'm trying to work with that idea at present.

Hi girls, I'm in a slightly different situation to most of you, but similar in that I know I'm ready for a baby but can't do it yet. (waiting for the all-clear to TTC again after a molar preg)

I find general preg bellies around the place not so bad, although they seem to draw my eye more than they used to. People I know are a bit harder; at lest with strangers, you can imagine that they've had a battle far worse than your own, and that's their miracle, and that maybe your own miracle is out there somewhere.
Friends who are just having a baby to try and save their relationship, or who have massive credit card debt, and breed anyway are a lot harder to deal with.

Our counsellor gave me some great advice as far as dealing with friends, which is to tell people what you need before an event. So I do. I give the host a phone call beforehand, and say "Here's what's happened/where I'm at. If I have to leave early/step outside/whatever, it's not because I'm not having fun, I just don't want to ruin your night."
Once I've done that, I find it takes the pressure off me trying to make things seem normal, and put everyone t ease by over-acting that everything is OK. Which was really draining. But this way I fare a lot better.

I can totally relate to what you're all saying - sometimes I dread going to do the shopping because I know there are going to be pregnant bellies and babies everywhere, but other times it's kind of nice to be out and have a little kid stare and smile at me (I take it to mean I mustn't have turned into a bitter and ugly person, despite feeling that way sometimes!)

I'm about to visit family (including two nieces and a nephew under the age of 5) this weekend for the first time since we learned we'd need IVF (and told them), and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I want them to treat us the same, not tiptoe around us or make us feel like a sad case, but by the same token I feel a little bit fragile and know I'm going to be pretty sensitive to any unhelpful/overhelpful comments. Contradictory I know!

I think I might email them with instructions on how to treat us :lol:

communication upfront, or before events seems to be a key thing to making everyone lives easier...us and our family and friends.
hope it goes OK