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Eight weeks can be an extraordinarily long time
The process of recovery from a vasectomy goes through a number of phases, from uncomfortable, to annoying. The first night, (post-operation and post-five-hours-of-icing-every 10 minutes) I still had my two pair of underwear on to keep everything snug and tight.
I woke at stupid-o-clock, not from discomfort, but instead it was time for the little one (three months) to have a feed. I can?t really help much with that (not being equipped for it), so I had a couple more codeine and went back to planet snoozeville.
The next day at work I was attending a professional development session. So it wasn?t going to be a big deal if I couldn?t make it in, but I seemed to be OK. A fresh two-pair of underwear, and the steady codeine stream was quite effective, although I?m glad I don?t have to walk a great distance when, on the rare occasion, I catch the train to work. I lasted the whole day without a qualm.
The second night I slept through until dawn. Whoops. That means I went seven hours without opiates. When I awoke, I could certainly feel it more. Not painful, but uncomfortable. So I took some more codeine and instead looked forward to the day after, because at day three I could start on the ibuprofen.
Getting out of bed, climbing into the bath to have a shower, sitting down from breakfast, getting up from breakfast? I was certainly far more aware of downstairs.
Walking to the train station, I could feel every step in my nether regions. Every. Single. Step. Again, not painful, but there was some discomfort. DAMN missing that codeine dose. The day after the day after is always the worst, and I was feeling it. The morning steadily grew worse and by early afternoon I had broken out in a sweat and it was very distracting, so I headed home.
Day three seemed much better. I swapped from codeine to ibuprofen (something my gastrointestinal tract would also be happy about). I became aware that the downstairs sensation was gonna be with me for a while (in fact, it would last for weeks, albeit in ever-decreasing measure). By the end of day three, I really only felt that ?awareness? feeling when going up or down steps, or if I got up out of my chair too quickly (I was always careful sitting down). It was semi-common knowledge at work that I had had ?it? done, and most of my workmates were quite amazed that I had been straight back to work the next day. As the week progressed, it got better still so by the weekend, I thought I was safe to try a quick spin on the bike. On Sunday (day 5) I nicked up the shops for the paper. No problems at all.
Monday, less than a week after it, I thought I?d was up for the ride on my bike to work. (Only 4.5 km). I took it easy (hey? that?s not saying much, I almost always do) and the saddle was not a problem in the slightest. Instead, in the same manners as what I felt going up and down stairs, any small bumps in the road felt like larger ones. Any medium bumps that I would normally just ride over, I very quickly found I had to get up out of the saddle. Again, people at work thought I was mad or crazy to ride, but in reality, it was fine.
Slowly but surely, over the next few weeks, I was reminded less and less often, of ?that? uncomfortable feeling. By the end, it was only doing something like jogging down some steps where I would feel a twinge. I didn?t try a trampoline, but I?m sure that would?ve done the same. However? there was far more important issues to think about than waiting until my testicles felt normal.
We had a countdown. During the initial questioning, and again during the actual consultation pre-surgery, I was told I could be tested 8 weeks after the procedure, but that I?d have to? err? ?use? the new plumbing 20-25 before the big test. Ooh? I like a challenge.
I had shared this with my partner prior to getting done, and she was very understanding. I kept a tally on our calendar, with the key date being eight weeks after. The tally was pretty important ? with a newborn in the house, it?s easy to lose track of just how many ?test runs? you get to have.
Initially, it seemed easy? after all, that?s only 2-3 per week. But, as time ticked down ? our average wasn?t quite up to it. (With the freshie-bub in our room with us, it really does impinge on your style). Hmm? would we have enough on the tally by the eighth week, or will we have to wait a bit longer? Oh well? better up the regularity hey. Gotta hate that, but these things just have to be done We made it, but in reality not by much.
In order to get the best, most certain testing, they ask you to abstain for three days prior to testing. If there are still some wrigglers there, it allows them to regroup and get ready for the purge, so they?ll show. If you get a negative, it?s unlikely there?ll still be some lingering in the pipes as the will have had time to move along and be a part of the sample.
Monday morning was the test. I?d brought the jar to my bedside table the night before and my partner? err?. gave me a hand. Timing was key, with the two little girls having to go through their morning routines, but me having to deliver the sample to the pathology lab within one hour of, err? taking the sample. It was going to be a fine line, but again, riding the bike into the city and going via the lab on the way to work was again an easy solution.
After that, it was, again, more waiting. They suggested they?d contact me in no-longer than 5 working days. So, come Friday, we were both pretty excited.
It got to Friday afternoon and my partner SMSed me. ?Have U called about results?? Wow? she seems keen So I again found the number of the organisation the surgery is part of (aah, the net is a wonderful thing) and got put through to the one I went to. Yes, they?d received my results. She asked me how long it had been since my surgery, and how many ejaculations did I think I?d had since. ?Hmm??, she said, ?that?s unusual.? The count is certainly low, but there was still some swimmers a swimmin?.
ARGH!
She said the doctor would look at the results and make a call on Tuesday. (My guess is that if it comes back negative, she?s permitted to say go for it, however if there is still some there, it?s up to the doctor to make the call).
My facebook status told the tale ? ?Sassin frassin tenacious virility!?
We were both a little disappointed, but there was no point in taking a risk for the sake of a few days, or perhaps a week. Many people can test negative (ie: sterile) within four weeks of the operation. And any more than 20 ejaculations should ?clear the pipes?. But, in litigious America, waits of four months and 80 ejaculations are not uncommon. Nor are multiple tests, and some even require confirmation of two negatives before they give the go-ahead. Generally in Australia, however, the common thinking is that if the numbers are significantly low, they?ll be on their way out and most doctors will call it.
I didn?t hear from them, and it ended up being the following Friday when I made the call again. (I have a remarkable habit of forgetting ?errand? type things when at work). Again, did the google for the number (he he) and got put through. ?Ah yes, I?ll just get your results here? hmm? unfortunately the doctor hasn?t made any comments on your file. We?ll fax him your results and I?ll ask him to call you back?.
ARGH!
I waited a few hours? you know how sometimes Friday afternoons go slowly? Well this one sure did! Then, the tell-tale buzz of the mobile phone. It was the same woman again, but saying that the doctor had got back to them and she proclaimed ?You are in the clear?.
?Go for launch, we have main engine start. Repeat, we have main engine start.?
I SMSed my partner the good news. She put some sparkling wine on to chill.
Well that?s it. I guess my teenage dreams of being called upon to repopulate a post-apocalyptic wasteland are well and truly dashed now.
And was it worth the wait? HELL YEAH!
