my only chance

Hi all
I don't know whether writing this is going to make me feel worse or better. This morning doc tells me the pregnancy won't proceed, the baby has died at 11 weeks. I knew something was wrong because I started to lose side effects, so I went to the doctor and he redid the blood test.
We never expected to have kids. 3 years ago we were told that without IVF, we would likely never conceive. Back then, at age 41, the stats were not good for falling pregnant even with IVF. So gave up on the idea. 2.5 years later, surprise surprise, I get pregnant, for the first time in my life. We were astonished, it was supposed to be a less than 1 in 30,000 chance. My partner suffers debilitating depression, and all of a sudden he changed, he had something to live for again. I knew that at age 43 my chances of miscarriage were higher, but even then it didn't stop us starting to read books and thinking up names and planning a future we never, ever expected we'd have. Our doctor is really kind and said he was really disappointed for us--we have been through so much these last few years, and this suddenly became a blip of hope, of joy for the future aside from our dreary selves. I had suffered anorexia in the past, and so I felt this to be a miracle. Being pregnant also gave me a new love and respect for my body, and an "aha" realisation: that this is what my body is for. All my other plans for a new career etc paled in comparison to this. I sit here and write and starting to bleed and must have D&C (is that scary?) on Monday. We came home, lay in bed and just bawled our eyes out. The odds were stacked against us, they still are, and I have no hope of it ever happening again, with the fertility profile as it was, and my age. I enjoyed reading these forums, but have no place any more. Those of you who have even one child, you are lucky and blessed. thank you for reading this. I'm surprised I'm able to write...I'm numb and at a loss for words.
Metaphorica

Oh sweets, I have no words, just some hugs and all my thoughts .......... :comfort:

a loss is so painful whenever it happens. you and DH need each other right now, hold each other tight xx

:hug: oh hun I am so so sorry x x x x

That sounds so hard. Look after yourself, and your partner. Don't be afraid to seek counselling.

And always remember that little one in your heart - with you for such a short time, but look what joy it had already brought.

:hug:

I'm so sorry for your loss. xo

so sorry for your loss metaphorica

Can't imagine how hurt you are feeling right now as most of us on here have had a least one child and then lost but you must not give up hope be strong you concieved that is a miracle don't forget it you may concieve again how great would that be. Hold each other give each other strength and if you want to try again go for it life is never going the way we think it is it always throws in some change !
A D&C is not too bad general anasthetic and when you wake up you feel so sad and empty but after a couple of days of pain ( take the pain killers don't be a fool ) look on the future and start counting the days when you can try again think positive remember your body can do this again if you really want.
:hug:

I'm so sorry, I'm a bit older myself and understand a little of your perspective. I lost my first pregnancy at 10 weeks in August, and I'm 37 now. We still have more time before it's impossible to have a child, but I can emphathise with the excitement of planning, etc. for a baby and seeing that dream evaporate. Let yourself grieve for as long as it's necessary, and see a counselor if that's helpful for you. Sending kind thoughts and prayers for both of you.

my heart goes out to you, i myself have had a D and C and I wont lie, it isnt fun emotionally, but it isnt painful so dont be scared of that. Also please dont give up, just last week i had a patient (im an RN) and she was 47 and pregnant with a healthy baby, although she miscarried 3 times prior she still got there with no assistance. These stories sadly are few and far between but it can happen.

Oh hun, I'm so sorry for your loss, words can't express what it's like to lose a child.:comfort:
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your partner. Be kind to yourself :hug:

Metaphorica, I am so sorry you have lost your much wanted, much longed for baby. :hug: :hug: Please be gentle on yourself and find comfort in those around you. I found coming on BB a great help in the weeks after my missed miscarriage two and a half years ago. The D&C is not painful but I remember how very sad it was in recovery, knowing that I wouldn't be bringing home a baby to cuddle and love. I remember how much I missed being pregnant and all those dreams. I remember the fear that I'd never have another chance. I was 39 and my DP is 17 years older than me. Try not to let the blackness steal you away but focus on the future and the knowledge that yes, your body does know how to make a baby - that was a thought that helped me. And I feel truly grateful for the miracle that is my DS, who has just turned 1. Sending you much love and thinking of you and your DP.
Fly away, little angel, and watch over your mummy and daddy who hoped so much for you. Know that you will always be loved. :hug:
Kerry

Please do not feel that you don't belong on this forum, they are for everyone and at this time you need the support and love from the many wonderful women in here.
A m/c is always tragic and I know you must be absolutely devastated, I have had 2 and its the loss of hope for the future that is the worst part.
Please be kind to yourself and lean on us for support.
My thoughts are with you and your DH.

Sorry about the loss of your precious baby.Hope you &dh are able to find some comfort in each other.Miracle babies do happen so i hope you don't give up hope on your dreams.Hugs

Thank you all for your kind words and support, I am moved to tears. Thank you also for the honest assessment of the D&C--especially that their may be some emotional aftershocks. And I will certainly take painkillers, as you recommend. I think I am still in shock and so is DP. Went out for coffee today and it just seems like there are babies and pregnant women everywhere and that just hurts, but I suppose that is a common experience. my partner is really supportive and patient, but now I feel like I'm always going to be hoping it will happen, and that I will be one of the 45 year old or 47 year olds who get lucky, when it was easier when I had no expectations or hope. Life feels pretty empty at the moment, and everything else pales in comparison to that unexpected and joyous 11 weeks. Thank you again all for your understanding and support.
Metaphorica

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. Try not to give up hope. At 41 I was told I would not have a successful pregnancy without IVF. That doctor was wrong.

I gave birth at the age of 42 & my son was conceived naturally. I'd already had 3 losses & had suffered many years of infertility yet my pregnancies were all achieved without the use of fertility drugs.

My last 3 pregnancies all happened within the space of around 6 months so I felt that I actually got more fertile in my 40's which makes no sense at all but that is what happened. Please do not give up hope - you really do not know what lies around the corner where fertility is concerned. :hug:

Satya, thank you. That is very, very meaningful. Even though I know scientifically/statistically the odds are tiny, now that it's happened once, I can't help but wish and hope and pray. I have prayed that if the little one wants to try again, this time with a healthy body, that I make myself available. 6 months?!! That's amazing, and perhaps you are right, it can happen for me, too.
blessings to you all. As my partner said, when you hear of someone having undergone a miscarriage, it's just words, until it happens to you. I understand now all of you and your grief and loss.

I am scared of the D&C. A few years ago I had one and they left me waiting the whole day with nothing to eat or drink and I had a panic attack from lack of water/food. I am scared that if I turn up to emergency like my doctor has suggested,that the same thing will happen. I know there's got to be a certain amount of time elapsed between last food/water before a general anaesthetic, but I'm not sure whether to turn up to emergency first thing in the morning already fasting (and hopefully get seen to quicker) or turn up having had a light snack, in which case they wouldn't do me until the afternoon.

I am so glad of the support here.

Can you book your d & c through a gynae to get it done more promptly? Turning up to emergency doesn;t sound like a good option. Mine was done through the hospital's EPAU, and the gynae reg tacked it on to the end of the day's elective c-sects, so had a booked time.
It's a tough experience emotionally, but so is any loss. I don't think it's because of the d & c itself that it's tough.
On the plus side (if there can be one) it will really clean you out, so to speak, and might help you to become more fertile for next time, if you decide to keep trying, and I hope you do - I've got my fingers crossed!

To get you through seeing the babies and the preg bellies everywhere, just remind yourself that you don't know their story - each might have had 3 or 4 losses before they got that baby, or it might have taken 10 years to conceive, you just don't know.

Good luck for your d & c - thinking of you tomorrow :hug:

Metaphorica

Hope today goes ok for you and you are not hanging around too long waiting for the D&C think of it as the start of your next cycle and like snugglebean says its sometimes a good thing can clean you out and give you a better chance of TTC in the future.
I am 44 and still thinking positive ok Ive had kids before but I have lost 5 now so the odds are against me too. But I truley beleive my body can do this again and I am sure yours will too if you give it your best shot think only positive thoughts and go for it when you feel well and in touch with yourself again after your D&C . I spent the first 5 days after breaking down into tears all the time with no warning I felt so empty and sad but then I realized I was thinking in the past and changed my thinking and started looking into the future and that was my goal to get a BFP ASAP. Not sure if its good advice or not but Ive always been a gret beleiver in the power of the mind.

sending you a big :hug: to help you get this week over its going to be a hard one for you

Hi CraftyMummy & Snuggleybean,

Thank you for your support and advice. I went to emergency and after the ultrasound they said the sac had not come away and I will need to expel it either naturally or D&C. They gave me the option of waiting a few days to see if it happens naturally, they also gave me a drug that will stimulate the process, although this is no guarantee that I still won't need surgery-it may work, it may not, or only work partly. Since I want to TTC as quickly as possible, decided not to leave it too long, so I am booked in for the D&C on Thursday. I explained what happened to me last time at the other hospital, and they have booked me in for first on the list. In the meantime, I have the pills if I want to take them, but I am afraid, I am told the pain can be quite bad. On the other hand, it may start of it's own accord anyway, before Thursday, so I'd just have to go through it, Panadeine Forte on hand.
I thought that was good advice, to remember when I look at other mums to be to think how much they might've gone through, rather than feel envious and sad. I also think the advice to look forward is good--I think they were surprised at the hospital that I wasn't more emotional, but the truth is I'm 43 and emotionally I can't hang on to this loss, I have to be emotionally ready to try again, because time is so short. Of course I'm sad and I'm grieving, but like you, I have to think positive, or as positive as I can be. I have to be able to function again. I have to look forward, because I don't have the luxury of anything else. This may be partly a function of age--I've always been highly emotional and get more affected by events, big or small, than other people, and have a hard time getting up again. Other people noticed it. But I'm surprised at my resilience, that I'm not totally flattened. I put it down to something maturing in me. Yes, this loss will be with me forever, and I will always wonder what could've been. And I will surely cry on Thursday, too. But the maternity nurse was encouraging--she told me it was a fully formed sac, not a blighted ovum, and therefore if it happened once it could happen again, it showed I still have viable eggs. The down side is apart from my age, our fertility has been male factor, with a very negative profile, which is why I never went ahead with IVF or believed we would ever conceive.
5 is a lot to grieve over, I admire your courage and your tenacity. Like you, I believe my body knows how to do this, and do it right.
Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and concerns and sharing your stories and experiences. It really does help, doesn't it?
Metaphorica

Hi Metaphorica

Glad we were able to help just a little I know its early days for you but it seems you are looking towards the future and thats what you need you can do this again.

Just a little story for you may help My first born is from a previous relationship and when I married my DH in the late 80s we TTC from day 1. 2yrs later we decided to get tested and found my DH had a very low sperm count we had IUI with his sperm 4 times after it was cleaned and all the bad ones taken out well to be honest we were told he had hardly any good ones. After much heart ache my DH asked if I would consider donor sperm and after a few months looking into it I decided yes I would give it a go. This was back in the late 80s early 90s so fertility help was not as it is today. Anyhow I had 2 lots of donor insemination and got a BFP on the 2nd attempt we were so pleased and went on to have a healthy baby boy in 91. Well 3 yrs later we decided to try again and use the same clinic and same donor. I started my blood tests and so on ready to take the damn clomid and to my great surprise I was already pregnant ! normal conception with a so called very low almost none existent sperm count. SO THERE IS HOPE for you still.

I now have 9 children the last 7 were normal conception with my hubby and all are to us miracles it seemed the older we got the more fertile he got don't make any sense at all I know. We have lost 5 due to miscarriage along the way but never two in a row ! so when people make comments about me having so many kids I just brush it off as they don't know my story and I have let god give me as many kids as he wants me to have he truly has blessed me and those first 3 yrs of trying and all that heartache has all gone now but I do remember how it made me feel !

Hope it helps and thanks for reading anyway !

:cross fingers: one day you will have a good result too !

I'm so sorry for your loss.

just want to let you know metaphorica, i went for my 12 week scan last monday only to be told my baby had not been growing since around 8 weeks. i had the tablets you are talking about on wednesday, and i must say they are not as bad as i thought they would be. yes there was some cramping, but nothing i could not handle. and i took the pain killers.
i went back wednesday for another ultrasound but it had not all come away, there was a 2cm piece left (they said they like anything left to be less than 1cm), so i had to have more tablets, but i think they have worked this time.
have to go back again friday for another check up. it is just my opinion but i think the tablets were the best option for me, as i do not want surgery if it can be avoided. feel free to pm me if you have any questions at all. and please do not give up hope. it happened once it can happen again :hug:

i am so sorry for you loss, sending you big warm hugs xxx

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Hi Metaphorica

Glad we were able to help just a little I know its early days for you but it seems you are looking towards the future and thats what you need you can do this again.

Just a little story for you may help My first born is from a previous relationship and when I married my DH in the late 80s we TTC from day 1. 2yrs later we decided to get tested and found my DH had a very low sperm count we had IUI with his sperm 4 times after it was cleaned and all the bad ones taken out well to be honest we were told he had hardly any good ones. After much heart ache my DH asked if I would consider donor sperm and after a few months looking into it I decided yes I would give it a go. This was back in the late 80s early 90s so fertility help was not as it is today. Anyhow I had 2 lots of donor insemination and got a BFP on the 2nd attempt we were so pleased and went on to have a healthy baby boy in 91. Well 3 yrs later we decided to try again and use the same clinic and same donor. I started my blood tests and so on ready to take the damn clomid and to my great surprise I was already pregnant ! normal conception with a so called very low almost none existent sperm count. SO THERE IS HOPE for you still.

I now have 9 children the last 7 were normal conception with my hubby and all are to us miracles it seemed the older we got the more fertile he got don't make any sense at all I know. We have lost 5 due to miscarriage along the way but never two in a row ! so when people make comments about me having so many kids I just brush it off as they don't know my story and I have let god give me as many kids as he wants me to have he truly has blessed me and those first 3 yrs of trying and all that heartache has all gone now but I do remember how it made me feel !

Hope it helps and thanks for reading anyway !

:cross fingers: one day you will have a good result too !

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Hi CraftyMummy
boy, you earned the name! ;) Thank you for your inspiring story, I just love it, and it does give me hope. My DP has a rather poor sperm profile, so poor that it didn't even make the minimum % of possibility of pregnancy without IFV. They were wrong. I have to laugh because last night I prayed for you and everyone on this thread, and here you are with 9 children! You don't need my prayers, you need my help!:D. I am hoping that age doesn't get in the way for me. You know, I think fertility is a funny thing--male in particular--it can be something as simple as a small change in diet that goes unnoticed, such as maybe suddenly eating more Omega fish or cutting back on coffee for example, or a small change in environment for the sperm profile to change. Emotions probably play a part, too. Thanks for sharing with me, it enheartens me.
Metaphorica

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just want to let you know metaphorica, i went for my 12 week scan last monday only to be told my baby had not been growing since around 8 weeks. i had the tablets you are talking about on wednesday, and i must say they are not as bad as i thought they would be. yes there was some cramping, but nothing i could not handle. and i took the pain killers.
i went back wednesday for another ultrasound but it had not all come away, there was a 2cm piece left (they said they like anything left to be less than 1cm), so i had to have more tablets, but i think they have worked this time.
have to go back again friday for another check up. it is just my opinion but i think the tablets were the best option for me, as i do not want surgery if it can be avoided. feel free to pm me if you have any questions at all. and please do not give up hope. it happened once it can happen again :hug:

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Hi ScaryPinkFairy (another great name)
Thanks for your story, it really does help to hear of others in a similar situation. I passed the sac naturally the night of seeing the hospital, but I've still been bleeding alot, so went back for another US today. Like you, there's still retained product, so I have to have the D&C tommorrow morning anyway. I'm less afraid now that I know they are putting me up front the list. This afternoon I have had severe cramping and bleeding, so bad I felt faint and very scared, DP isn't here with me. Rang the hospital and they say it's nothing to worry about (meaning there's nothing wrong with me, it's my body trying to clean out the products) but suggested coming in if the pain is unbearable (which it was, an hour or two ago). This morning they also advised us to go for IFV, though DP isn't keen. I may look into it again. God knows where I'd get the money.

I hope you are feeling better and Friday's scan is clear. I can't believe the support and information I've gleaned here. All those who didn't say alot other than sorry--your words have been noticed, too. Thank you again, all. You are life-savers.
Metaphorica

I found after my first m/c I fell pg really quickly too, I had one cycle then was pg the next.
I hope everything goes well for you and I pray you will get your miracle bub.

So so sorry for your loss. Such a terribly sad experience for you and your husband. I had a lot of fertility treatment to conceive my son 10 years ago, and despite further treatment, I didn't fall pregnant again until I was 44,then 46 and they were natural conceptions. I was devastated to lose the babies, the last pregancy was twins which I lost earlier this year. I know how you feel - such an unexpected miracle when you are in your 40's and then devastation at the loss of something so precious. Give yourself time to grieve your loss but please don't give up. I hope so much you will have a healthy baby in the near future.:pray: