Have you/would you lie...

...to your MCHN?

I have always told the complete truth and as a result have left a few times feeling quite deflated because I wasn't doing what I was 'supposed' to be doing - this is usually related to sleep.

I feed DS to sleep. I have tried other ways, but feeding to sleep works the best for us and I'm happy to keep doing it... but because it's not what 'they' say to do, I guess the MCHNs feel the need to make me feel crappy about the way I'm doing things. I'm thinking next time they ask about sleep I might just say "Yup, he sleeps fine - gets to sleep on his own", etc. I mean, it's not like I'm doing anything wrong, just not by the book.

Has anyone else done this because their parenting style doesn't follow the 'norm'?

I think if you're happy with the way you're doing things, I'd just say "Yes, we have no problems with our sleep routine, we're all happy ". Hopefully the mchn will leave it at that. I too have fed all my bubbas to sleep, then went on to rocking them to sleep. I miss those days :(

Yep - I didn't go to the MCHN this time ;) However, if you would like to keep going there is always the option of answering honestly, listening to their *suggestions* and then look them straight in the eye and ask if that is the ONLY way to deal with sleep / solids / BF / FF etc etc etc If they answer yes, simply state that unfortunately you and your baby fail to comply with the instruction manual that was handed out at birth but you are doing very well without it, thank you. Can you tell my first exposure to the MCHN was not a completely positive one :redface:

It is unlikely they can honestly say there is only one way to deal with sleep / solids / BF / FF etc etc etc but is does give you the chance to say "well that is a rather limited repertoire of options isn't it". All good teachers (be they the *real* sort or of the health care variety) need to have a variety of teaching options available for their client base because we don't all fit into little square boxes and we don't all learn the same way.

P.S. You keep doing whatever it is that is keeping you and your baby happy and healthy :hug: And raspberries to anyone who suggests otherwise.

Yes Sterla I do. I try to answer in as few words as possible, but I always go prepared knowing how long he 'should' be sleeping, how many feeds he 'should' be having (when in reality some days it's still 8-10).
My MCHN with Darcy was fantastic and open to all options. With Nate however, new MCHN and totally closed to different parenting opinions.
All I want to do is have him weighed, ask for advice if I need it - not to be told I'm a terrible mother.

Yep....this time with H, i find him sleeping in our bed allows me to get some sleep....DH was for the first 12weeks out on the lounge.....it workd for all of us. At 4wk check uo with H, when i told nurse he was in bed with me. she said 'i would be getting outta that routine by 8 wks'.....i felt so much pressure to do this...even though what we were doing was working. So the 8 wk mark came and went and i just said he was in his cradle, in our room. - lie, lie, lie .

And for what its worth hun...ive fed all my babies to sleep , and now they are generally good sleepers....

My MCHN said the most brilliant thing to my mother's group : do what works for you and we'll cross that bridge IF & when it becomes a problem. Don't worry about what MIGHT become a problem, as all babies want to grow up and whatever you are worried about, might NEVER become a problem.

All MCHNs are different and their advice & "shoulds" are different too. I would take what you think will work for you from yours, and discard the rest...

HTH ;)

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Yes Sterla I do. I try to answer in as few words as possible.

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I do this too. I just don't feel like arguing and justifying myself. They all have different opinions about what is right and wrong to do with a baby and I never know what they are going to say from one appointment to the next. They contradict each other.

I usually don't feel like a lecture so I just say what I think they want me to unless there was a real problem (like my baby losing weight or being sick). It is not worth the argument and the inevitable lecture even if I am completely sure of myself. I just sit silently and wait till it is over. Then I leave and continue to parent in the way that suits me.

If I have questions about things, I have found other mums to be a far more valuable source of information than some of the MCHNs are. Other mums have real experience with real babies and their advice can be invaluable.

I will admit I lie to mine. Havnet been in a couple of months but I never told them about feeding to sleep or DD co-sleeping or when I started solids.

Every person I talk to about their baby does things differently and from that I fidured there is no one way or no "text book" baby. I find that mchn's try to tell you how to make your baby a "text book" baby and it just didnt work for us.

I do find the info I get on BB better than that from the mchn.

I have a question for you all.... Why go if you're going to lie?

I don't mean that in a nasty way because I used to do the exact same thing with Alexzander & when Juliette was smaller. Her eight month check was just horrible so I stopped going. I was worried that I would get into trouble, which is why I struggled through with Zander & went to eight months with Juliette. Really though, if I had any concerns I'd go & see someone, either an MCHN or our GP.

Dunno, I just don't see why we *have* to go to MCHN appointments anyway....

I only go to get DD weighed and measured.

I know people who do lie. I never bothered and just told them what I was doing. My first one retired and she was ace - she always said to keep it simple, which is what we intended to do anyway ;) The next has been a total flake - she argues with me over best practice (last time, it was something I'd read in a paediatrics journal through the uni database only a couple of weeks before and she insisted it wasn't what she was told and that it wasn't right!!), and I have avoided going back. I went back once, knowing she was on leave and there was a replacement...who was so ace, I just wanted her to be permanent - not so much for my sake, but for all those new mummies who believe what the twit nurse says!
They'll say things like "if you follow my advice you can't go wrong cos it always works"...yet if you were to follow up with those mothers, you'd probably find a lot of them just nodded, said they followed but really did their own thing ;) If they know from the start what you're doing and that you're happy, and if everyone was upfront with them, they might back off their regimes and start to realise there is no one size fits all.
"By the book" - depends on whose book you read...I prefer to go by the likes of Pinky, who doesn't prescribe methods at all :)
Alibaby - me too!

I don't go to the MCHN at all. Our GP does all the official checks in the blue book for our kids. And FWIW, he's a pediatrician (what a bonus :D ) and is totally supportive, and even encouraging, of gentle parenting methods.

I was going to have my kids weighed and measured and also a couple of times for immunisations and once because I wanted a referral to the lactation consultant. FWIW I didn't lie to the lactation consultant, I find them more realistic in their expectation and a little more understanding.

I haven't been to the MHCN in a while because I go to my GP for immunisations now and I don't get around to weighing my babies much anymore. It is a very involved process to get all of us organised to go in. I just check on our bathroom scales that they are gaining weight. It's rough but it gives me an idea.

I went for the measurement & weighing, and the basic check of developmental progress, cos I do find that stuff pretty interesting. Mine was an ok MCHN, not brilliantly inspiring, but certainly a long way from the horror stories you hear. Though even if she had been a horror story I think I'm probably lucky because I have always had enough confidence in what I'm doing (or arrogance :rolleyes:) to not worry about what was said. I get more grief from my mum, so I'm used to pretending to be a duck's back.

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My MCHN said the most brilliant thing to my mother's group : do what works for you and we'll cross that bridge IF & when it becomes a problem. Don't worry about what MIGHT become a problem, as all babies want to grow up and whatever you are worried about, might NEVER become a problem.

All MCHNs are different and their advice & "shoulds" are different too. I would take what you think will work for you from yours, and discard the rest...

HTH ;)

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I don't see the point in lying to them - are you ashamed of what you are doing? Or unsure you have the information and knowledge to explain your routines if asked or questioned?

My MCHN was pretty good, she had her expectations and I had mine - thankfully she was pro the big picture I had, despite any insignificant differences.

Be honest and if they have a 'problem' with something you are doing you can listen and take from it what you will or politely tell them that you are happy with your status quo and move on.

Besides, explaining yourself may just lead to a little bit of MCHN education and they may have better attitude for those that follow you ;)

My normal MCHN doesn't ask the usual questions- just asks what I want to talk about. Last time we went had a different one and I lied about feeding to sleep. I suspected she wasn't going to look favourably on it when she asked how many feeds/day P was having and I answered, "lots". The look she gave me was very telling. She asked how she settles and I just said, without too much fuss. ;)
I like going for the measuring and also if I have specific questions - like P used to turn her head in one direction more than the other.

i haven't and wouldn't lie - i don't see the point. but then, i am not someone to be told how to do things. i had fill in MCHN's for two appointments - they were useless. i just didn't talk to them much about anything - the normal MCHN is brilliant - i was there on Friday, she asked questions, i answered honestly and she was supportive. her attitude is very much "if it works, keep doing it". she is more concerned about the overall health of the kidlets and parents, not how you go about achieving it which i find really helpful.

i am not someone that fits into a schedule myself, so i can't expect my girl to do it! and if i felt something i was doing wasn't fitting what i "should" be doing, i'd defend myself and my right to do it my way! as an example, i feed E at least 20 times a day. she is a snacker, she is a very chucky baby. i know how long she feeds (which isn't that long), i know how much she chucks - i know that she needs those closer together feeds. i wouldn't lie and say she's on a certain schedule to fit their model, cos we're not - and it's working for us so who cares!

Thanks for your replies girls :). Haha - so I'm not alone with my dislike of MCHN appointments then? :p

Sarah H: I was going to my MCHN monthly, but am not going to bother except for the bigger checks now I think, unless I'm worried about something or want DS weighed. I'm starting to realise those checks aren't really as 'necessary' as they make it out to be.

LimeSlice: I have been honest with what I'm doing so far, and I'm not ashamed of what I do - but I get so sick of the lectures/disapproving looks. It feels like more trouble (and stress on my part) than it's worth - though you make a good point :).

What I find really frustrating is that I seem to get a different MCHN every time I go, and every one of them has different ideas about what to do/not do, etc. One or two have been lovely, and have basically said "just keep doing what you're doing", whereas others have been so awful, and went so far as to tell me I was rocking/soothing DS wrong and gave me step-by-step instructions on how to rock/soothe my own baby (and btw, what she was telling me didn't work at all).
It's so awful - being a new mum you're already concerned enough and questioning everything you do... then to have an MCHN completely shake your confidence. Some of them seem to be on a bit of a power trip to be honest!
... sorry, that turned into a bit of a vent/rant :redface:.

I also only go to have DS weighed and measured and have his blue book filled in. I have never lied and don't intend to, even though I definitely don't do things "by the book". Whatever advice I'm given I just nod and say "oh yeah I should try that" but of course I know nothing will work with DS as he's just a fussy and clingy baby who wants everything his way! Everytime I go they ask if he's been vaccinated and I always say "oh I haven't gotten around to it but will organise something soon" as I really don't want to have to justify and explain my reasons to anyone and that usually shuts them up.

One thing that really ****ed me off though was when I had DS in the sling and my MCHN said that it was a no-no and I was putting DS at risk of harm because what if I fell, tripped, someone bumped into me, etc...and that they should only be used around the house, if at all :rolleyes:

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One thing that really ****ed me off though was when I had DS in the sling and my MCHN said that it was a no-no and I was putting DS at risk of harm because what if I fell, tripped, someone bumped into me, etc...and that they should only be used around the house, if at all

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eh?? I think SHE was dropped on her head at some stage...and not from a sling, but from a great height!

Yep I lied to mine about feeding to sleep and co-sleeping. In reply to the question 'why go if you lie" I believe all mchn ahve had the same training been told to suggest the same routines etc. I did so much reading about co-sleeping and feeding to sleep and made my decision I was happy to do that. i don't want to waste my time with the mchn debating why I made these decisions the pros and cons etc i am happy with that aspect of my child raising I would rather spend the time talking about things i need advice on, help with feeding solids, developmental milestones and things I just don't have much knowledge about. I don't think my mchn would even care that much I just cant be bothered having to explain myself if you know what I mean.

I have not, not would I lie to my MCHN. I guess if I disliked her/him enough I might not keep going back. But actually the nurses at my local clinic are lovely.

I think it's good for them to realise that at least some people in my area are doing cloth-nappies, co-sleeping and generally attachment parenting. It means that they get to see that my DD is turning out great and that's what we're doing, and maybe, even if they don't know much about those approaches, they will go back and read up on them, and thus learn a little.

Actually they haven't been critical of me at all, and when I mentioned BLS the nurse grinned and whipped out a DVD about it to show my parents group "solids" meeting. Maybe other parents, before me, mentioned that they were doing those things... :)

I also listen carefully to the suggestions that my MCHNs make to me. Some of it is right, some of it wrong for us. But you never know when you'll learn something important... Just like I read many posts here carefully, even though I don't always agree with what is being said.

I don't lie but I don't go there looking for info, I just say things are going great (which they are) and if I want to find out something look on here. Mine is just bonkers or deaf I am not sure which, she asks the same question over and over and never seems to take in any answer, and at the last appointment they are now doing this new thing where they ask you questions and follow different pathways and she was reading the ones for 2 year olds, my daughter was 4 months and I had to point it out to her. All the girls in our mothers group have similar stories. I only go to get DD weighed and measured, she is nice enough but just not useful at all and is off in a world of her own - and I can never be sure that she is giving the right info for the age DD is at.

I prefer her to the other stand in's though, one insisted should be waking DD at night despite ok weight gains, that was after I had to point out to her that DD was 12 weeks not 12 months. The other one who did the home visit - first question was who would look after DD if I was sick and was like an interrogation (she really made me feel like because neither DH or I have any family here in Melbourne that we shouldn't have had a baby not what you need on day 4), then she said no mothers group for ages and I shouldn't be disappointed because shouldn't be out socialising till at least 12 weeks, no lansinoh on nipples because softens them up and what need is fresh air and sunshine (it was middle of winter in Melbourne) and also she put me off taking DD for early ultrasound because she said that normally they want to rescan at 6 weeks anyway, DD's hip was so bad it would have shown up at early ultrasound and they would have started treatment straight away. (Anyway is all good now as got treatment started at 6 weeks and has responded really well brace only for sleeping in now - but I really think she should have been saying go get the ultrasound done). I do know people from different councils who really like theirs and find them very useful so is the luck of the draw really depending on where you live.

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One thing that really ****ed me off though was when I had DS in the sling and my MCHN said that it was a no-no and I was putting DS at risk of harm because what if I fell, tripped, someone bumped into me, etc...and that they should only be used around the house, if at all :rolleyes:

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pmsl - my mum used to give me that one - I should have her in a pram - that is why they were invented you know - in case you tripped and crushed the baby whilst walking down the street ;)

I have to be honest - I too didn't see the MCHN with baby number 2. With baby 1 she told me:
- at 2 weeks that I would never be able to bf without nipple shields due to flat nipples. 2 weeks later she was astounded that I was bfing just fine without nipple shields since having DS's tongue-tie snipped
- at 9 months she told me I needed to wean DS. No reason - just do it.

I wonder why I never went back ;)

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I don't see the point in lying to them - are you ashamed of what you are doing? Or unsure you have the information and knowledge to explain your routines if asked or questioned?

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FWIW I really don't think any of us go in there thinking, 'now what can I make up today?' ;) I'm confident in my ability and my choices...I'm just a bit meh about explaining them over and over.
I live in a place where there is very little choice regarding health care. GPs are few and far between and none bulk bill. I only go to the health centre for immunisations.
Initially I tried to explain my parenting choices, but they were met by country town closed ears and rolled eyes. We don't even have a clinic....
They are just a service to me. I'f telling white lies gets me in and outta there with what I need done...then hey. No biggie.

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Initially I tried to explain my parenting choices, but they were met by country town closed ears and rolled eyes.

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It's not only in country towns that most of them don't listen. I find that some of them are very set in their own way, ideals and beliefs and really refuse to listen. I had one tell me that it is impossible for my baby to have wind that is difficult for her to expelle because she is breastfed :rolleyes:

I just couldn't be bothered talking and have them not listen. I think the ones that are likely to listen to a different way of doing things are the ones that are far more open minded and less likely to give you disapproving looks and lectures in the first place.

I think most of them need to understand that we have 2 ears and only one mouth - therefore we should do twice as much listening as talking. Unfortunately, there are only a few that I have come across that actually want to listen.

Just to be clear - I don't think all MCHN do a bad job. There are some brilliant ones out there and I have met them a couple of times, but there are some dreadful ones and they are the ones I could not be bothered justifying my actions to. It's not that I am ashamed, it's just not worth the effort.

I certainly don't go in there planning to fib. I really try to tell the truth all the time, it's part of how I choose to live.

I have however, felt really put on the spot with an inflexible MCHN who was making me feel really guilty for not following the immunisation schedule and fibbed about planning on taking them really soon. I'd already argued my points, and yes I'm completely confident about how I parent - I just felt weary of arguing, slightly insecure and a bit bored so I fibbed. Not right - but then I don't believe that MCHN's should put parents in a position where they feel so pressured!

And for the record, I've had some really lovely MCHN's who've been really supportive of my right to make an informed choice about the way I parent. xo And even the one in my story is pretty good, just inflexible on immunisation.

This thread is very interesting....
My first i went to a great Health Nurse .... she was more a mentor and grandma type of role model with heaps of ideas that did actually worked. BUt her tricks were with things like how to get a unsettled baby to sleep.... i never forget in a mums group she showed us all how to wrap and settle a bub on his/her side and just keep patting until he/she falls asleep.... she went on and said sometimes it feels like an eternity to get some babies to sleep but eventually they cant fight sleep forever and wrapping is the key. Im talking the first 8 mths here. I went to her for months and months until my relationship broke down and i moved away then i just didnt go .
My second bub whos 15mths now well to be honest i took him to the health nurse for the first 12 weeks then that was it.... like someone else said ... alot of work to get a newborn in the car bla bla for a 5 mins visit and if you and nurse dont agree its not a very pleasant experience.
However with my second i remember i was forced to ring them as Alistair wouldnt stop crying and i reckon i walked every street just to try to stop his crying but to no avail. He was probably 12 13 14 weeks old and he cried no joke for 12 hours.... he cried then had a bottle then he cried and pooed then weed then cried some more and then another bottle..... i rang them in desperation and i have to say when you are a stressed mum on the phone they are absoultely fab. My health nurse told me ... dont worry darling your baby isnt hurt he is just getting rid of excess energy.... she went on and said ... you or i we can get outside and go for a walk to get rid of energy but babys cry and wee and poo to get it all out. BUt as pooing and weeing and crying uses energy the feed more .... but it eventually settles down. With that advice i calmed down and inturn my baby calmed down and stopped the crying and feeding non stop excatly 12 hrs from when he started.

What im trying to say is that these nurses are great to have when you really really need them to calm you down.. Its not compulsory to go so new mums out there stop worrying and enjoy your babies.

No, I didn't lie. I was totally - and I mean totally - honest. Discussed worries and concerns. I also wasn't afraid to say "well, I'm OK with that so don't need advice there" or "I've done some other research and would rather wait for solids, although the advice is great for when we do start; what else can you tell me?" With sleeping, I said I wasn't going to CIO or CC. Every time. The HV suggested a few things half-heartedly, but was better when I said "porridge before bed? Sounds great, I'll try that one" because I was listening rather than writing off. In the end she'd say "How's his sleeping? I know you don't want to CC, right? So how about..." which was great for me.

Then again, my HV was/is a nice lady. We got on OK. I made her a coffee every visit (apparently you shouldn't because then they stay a long time... OK by me, I like company!) and chatted to her about how she was too.

BTW, I got a lot of lectures from random people in shops about "Is he good? Yes? When did he start sleeping through?" I had to change a lot of perceptions that "good" meant "sleeping through" - and that not sleeping through was OK because I not only was OK with it myself but expected it! I saw a few relieved looks on other mothers' faces when I turned round to walk out.

I don't lie. I put it all out there and if the MCHN has a problem, I either tell her to go jump off a bridge or provide her with the research I've found that affirms my practice to be 'correct' in some way or 'safe' (eg co-sleeping being frowned upon, I point to statistics correlating co-sleeping to less incidences of SIDS); depending on the attitude of the MCHN. Some of them are quite friendly in their disapproval and I can only assume that it's because they are just going 'by the book' and may not be aware of certain facts or studies, so if it seems they might be open to learning something that may help them with other mums, I point them in the direction of that research. If they're mean or demeaning about it, I clam up, get defensive and pull the good ol' 'My baby, my way - don't like it, there's the door'.

To be honest, the last time Squirt saw the midwives was when she was 10 days old, and they paid a visit to our house to check in. They saw all was well, and that I was coping great, and left it at that. I've only taken her to the GP for immunisations, and I get her weighed there (I will also weigh her if I take Munchkin to the doctor - I pop bub on the scales while I'm there out of curiosity). I know she's gaining weight and is healthy, I don't worry much about numbers on a chart - if she's happy and growing out of her clothes I have nothing to worry about, I reckon. :)

The only right way to do things is the way that suits you. If you're happy and baby is happy, then what's the prob!

Just tell her what she wants to hear. Some of them are so rude :rolleyes:

i don't lie, but i really like my MCHN. she doesn't really ask heaps of questions, it's more like i go there for a chat which is really nice as a new, first time mum. DS has had cradle cap & dry skin on his scalp/face & i liked that she suggested a natural goats milk soap as possible solution to this. i told her i was getting moogoo & she ended up writing down the details because she thought it sounded great.