Today I cancelled my contract...
So, for the last 6 or 7 weeks I've been working at a materials handling company near where I live. I quickly realised that I didn't actually have enough experience for the job, but it was great pay, and there was nothing else available, so I was determined to make it work.
The only problem was, I wasn't given proper training - I was basically given a desk and a computer, and told to 'fill in the gaps' before the auditors arrive next week. I worked my butt off, doing overtime, working through lunch breaks, just trying to get a handle on this damn job. But every week, I'd be given a new piece of the puzzle, and realise that what I'd previously done may well be wrong. I spoke honestly and openly with my manager, telling her that I was not equipped for this job, that they were still going to have problems when the auditors came through, that I was sorry for not being what I needed to be. For a couple of days things seemed to be better, but then yesterday I had almost finished working on this one flamin' purchase order that I had been working on for 2 HOURS, when my manager told me I was wasting my time, as that didn't need to be journalled. So apparently, my job was to prepare the computer system for journalling, not for auditing. Which means that, if I had started with ALL the information I have gained over the last 6 weeks, I probably would've been able to finish my job in 2 weeks. Correctly.
For a few weeks now I've noticed the strain. I'm not a person who deals well with constant stress, I tend to bottle it all up. I thought it would be alright because I was a temp, and therefore there's a certain expectation that my work may not be completely correct (although obviously I wanted it to be right!). But the politics in this company are INSANE! Other departments hover like vultures, just WAITING for us to make even the tiniest of mistakes, so they can undermine us. My manager works an average of 18 hours a day, plus weekends, because she feels she has to. What kind of work environment is that?!
This morning I attempted to harm myself for the first time in 3 years. It was NOT my intention to kill myself, only to hurt myself enough that I wouldn't have to go to work for the rest of the contract. DH stopped me, put me to bed, and called my agency. Later I was asked to write an exit interview, detailing the problems I had with the company, and giving names where possible. I fully praised the staff at the warehouse, giving full names and titles, but was also honest. I asked my agency rep to read it and offer me suggestions before passing it on, and I haven't heard back yet.
I just feel sooooo guilty. I'm still stressed about the damn audit next week. The previous staff were complete rubbish, as evidenced by the amount of misfiled, incorrectly completed paperwork I waded through on a daily basis. And the new staff are not being given the chance to prove themselves, because the other departments are just waiting for another screwup! I'm not even exaggerating here, we were told in a meeting the other day NOT to question other departments about anything, just to do what was told as long as it was in writing - in which case we had to print out the email and attach it to the documentation in question, to cover our bums later. I don't know how anyone can work under that kind of stress, I certainly couldn't.
I'm such a failure; now I'm unemployed again, we've just managed to get on top of things as it is. And I've just worked 7 weeks for an employer that I dare not ask for a reference, because no matter how good they thought I was before, leaving the way I have is completely unprofessional and irresponsible.
Maybe I should take up basket weaving?
*Mods, on re-reading this, I'm not sure if it would be better off in the Depression section - feel free to move if necessary*
