I'm a useless mum

I sit here in tears - again - as I'm lost and overtired - again. I'm a useless mum :crying:

I've had every breastfeeding issue possible besides mastitis (although we suspect that the antibiotics for the staph in my nipples was the only thing that kept it at bay) and I'm on an array of drugs to keep my supply up and help eleviate the pain I feel from the nipple vasospasm. Although we finally seem to be getting somewhere, it hasn't been much fun to say the least.

I thought I had a placid baby. Well I guess we did, we had a very sleeping baby who had to be woken for feeds. In the early weeks, DD would have slept for 5 hours at a time had we let her. Now I struggle to get her to sleep let alone keep her asleep and she cries a lot. I guess you could say that she is high maitenance.

I can't work it out. DD sleeps pretty well at night and generally settles quite easily but her day starts very early and she is extremely hard to settle for day sleeps. Until her growth spurt started early last week, she was going down in the evenings at 7pm but now she just won't settle and I find I'm topping her up around 9.30 or so then finally getting her down. After her middle of the night feed, she will only sleep for an hour or two and then is up for a feed and ready to start her day with another feed at 4 or 5am. And then the day just goes downhill from there.

Generally DD will not settle again after her early morning feed. I see her tired cues and swaddle her and pop her in her bassinet but she just screams at me, she just hates going down. I often have to feed her or her rock her to sleep but then she usually wakes again once she is down. Often it can take me a couple of hours to get her to sleep and it isn't rare for her to stay awake until almost midday before she finally gives in - all that time I have been trying to settle her and feed her. It's so exhausting.

When she does finally go to sleep, I attempt to sleep too but she often wakes and needs help to resettle so my nap is interrupted constantly. The only way I can get a sleep to is if someone else watches her while I nap. This is just so strange as she generally sleeps really well at night.

The problem is worse when we are out an about as she seems to constantly get overstimulated. I've had several attempts at shopping but it's been a disaster each time. Although fed and sleepy when we arrive, once in her pram (which has a bassinet), DD just screams and screams. Yesterday I resorted to the sling and she finally fell asleep. It's so frustrating to see all the other mums walking around the shopping centres with their sleeping babies in their prams. Why won't my DD do that?

I got about 5.5 hours sleep last night (that's about standard) and I've been up since DD's 4am feed, trying to settle her since 5am. I put her in her bassinet at 5am as she had fallen asleep on me. At 5.15 she started crying and that continued until 8.15 when I popped her in the sling and she's been asleep for about half an hour now. I would love to sleep too but I don't want to risk waking her by putting her in her bassinet. So I will fight through the sleep deprivation yet again.

So why is this happening? I have no doubt she gets overtired but if she won't sleep when I put her down, then how can I stop her from getting overtired? I just feel like such a failure - on a daily basis. I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to dread each day as I just know I will fail yet again. I'm hopeless at this.

I'm slowing losing my marbles. I cry daily now due to the stress and sleep deprivation. We are doing a day stay at Ngala (a parenting help centre here in Perth) where they will spend the day seeing how we feed, settle and sleep with the focus being on settling. I hope so much that it will help.

I'm getting to the point where I'm too scared to go anywhere as she becomes so unsettled, overstimulated and overtired that it's a nightmare for both of us. I also feel like I should just stay at home so we can both catch up on some sleep but it's not doing much for my sanity. Although going out doesn't help my sanity either.

I guess I should be pleased that the breastfeeding issues are almost resolved (I cried daily over them too) but I think those issues have only made all the sleep and settling issues so much worse as I just feel like I have failed my DD since day dot. Will things get better?

First - you are NOT a useless mum. You are learning, everyone gets thrown in the deep end with a baby and its like we are expected to know what to do!! Well, we don't. They are new little people, even on your 2nd or 3rd - they are usually so different than the 1st child that you are continuously learning new things.

Both of mine liked to be settled in different ways. DS liked being patted and have a dummy. DD liked being rocked in a certain motion and wouldn't settle any other way.

Have you had her checked for any reflux problems? DD had silent reflux so she wouldn't stay asleep for more than 5 minutes at around 8 weeks of age. Which was most frustrating when I had a toddler who was just cutting out his day sleeps at the same time!

So try and chill a bit - I always say in my head when I'm trying to settle them - ahh well, if they don't go to sleep its ok - so if they DON'T - it IS ok. And if they do - BONUS!! :D

You are doing a fantastic job. Keep up the good work :clap:

Was going to suggest reflux also, I really feel for you. The first 9 weeks of Charlie's life she had undiagnosed silent reflux and it was hell. I verged pnd from the sleep deprivation. I can't get my little one into the cot of a day and she sleeps on me but i feel that the security she gets of a day helps. She sleeps through the night on days where i hold her more.

My cousin uses the sling to stop her baby's silent reflux during the day and it's the only way she can settle her. Some babies need more cuddles I think. I know it's frustrating but it will get easier with time. it's hard being lost and sleep deprived. Motherhood isn't an easy thing to adjust to but it's very rewarding. It's been the most exhausting job I've had to date but I wouldn't trade my high maintenance baby for the world!

HTH

BIG HUGS TO YOU!!! dont really have any great advice for you, but can tell you we had a few similar problems...DD was and still is at times a pretty average sleeper....i laugh when i see people with their babies sleeping in prams....DD will NEVER do this, i have tried, she just cant switch off, even if she is SO tired...just cries! So i have given up on that one! She slept in her sling for most of her day sleeps, or on my lap for the first few months. Then when i got mastitus and it started getting to hot to carry her around all day we started laying on the bed and id feed her and we would both fall asleep.
She now likes to sleep in her cot or on a bed if we are on hols/at a friends but never in a pram, and i feed her to sleep and put her down when she is asleep.
I can say that the desperation i had felt that i was never going to leave the house again has subsided but (even though some people think it is stupid) i am at home for her day sleep, its to much hastle otherwise!
More hugs for you , you are doing a great job and i hope things start to get better for you.

:hug: You are NOT a useless mum.

Having BFing troubles does not make you useless - otherwise most of the womesn I know, myself included, would all be useless mums.

Having a baby who needs a bit more feeding & help settling to sleep doesn't mean you are useless either, especially at her age.

Ar didn't settle into a nice kind of pattern or self-settle until she was older than your little girl, & she is the most placid chilled out baby I have had so far. The others were all much older - months older.

It might do hergood to stay home for a bit if you are thinking she doesn't like going out, but I know how awful it is to be stuck at home!Can you leave her with someone for half an hour while you duck out to the shops?

You are doing a great job. It's never easy & it DOES get better I promise ;)
The one thought that kept me going sometimes was - everything changes - and this will too. :hug:

You are so not a useless mum! Both of you are still learning and it's not easy! Even with #2 I was feeling a bit lost all over again as the girls were so different from each other.

DD2 would not settle in her cradle during the day at all for the first 8 weeks so I got her to sleep using the sling and carrying her around for hours on end. She wouldn't sleep if I sat down so I had to stand up while she slept. I did my shopping and walked the dog while she got sleep. My best effort was to bake a banana cake with DD1 while DD2 was sleeping in the sling :lol:

However, we persisted with the cradle. She started by sleeping 5 minutes before crying to get up, then 10 min and so on.

I would also get her checked for reflux. DD2 is a chucker but it doesn't bother her at all unless she has wind. So it could also be that she is having trouble getting the wind up.

Be kind to yourself - it is a huge learning curve for you and your DD :hug:

Definitely NOT a useless mum - just a sleep deprived mummy getting used to all the changes going on!!! Well done on persevering with the breastfeeding!

My DS hates sleeping in his cot during the day - ie he won't. He will sleep next to me in bed tho - when DH hops out to go to work at 6am. I can feed, stoke, cuddle and pat and when he dozes off - so do I! He will also sleep on the couch during the day and his day sleeping seems to be improving. Can you hop in the big bed together during the day?

:hug:

K

you're not useless at all :hug: but it does all get totally overwhelming some days.

you're doing an awesome job to perservere with bfing - it's tough enough at the start without any problems & yet you've kept going through just about everything that could be thrown at you

it's hard when they go from being 'sleepy' to being more aware of what's going on around them & really fighting sleep. DS did it (and still does)...in fact, to combat it recently he's been feeding to sleep for his days sleeps (blissful....naughty mummy that i am!) but this morning he just wouldn't...so i had to go through lots of crying till he fell asleep in my arms (i won't use CC or CIO methods)....before i could put him down to sleep. also, i found that early on it was easy to get him to sleep in the pram bassinet, then he went through a stage of only sleeping in my arms before he decided that the pram bassinet was okay...i'd just try every so often & one day he didn't wake up screaming when he was put down. bonus!

okay, i'm going round in circles, but what i was trying to say there was that in my very limited experience so far, they change what they like/want with regards to sleep (usually just when you think you have it all under control) and you just need to try something different until you find what works.

also, i had someone comment last week that my DS was so nice & peaceful in his pram & that her kids had never done that. but that was early in the shopping trip & within 15 minutes i was carrying him because he was crying in his pram - so even if other people look like they have calm, quiet babies they might not be 5 minutes from now!

i found going for walks saved my sanity when i started to get frustrated. a combination of being out of the house & those lovely exercise endorphins really did the trick :)

anyway, that's all very garbled but i just wanted to say that you're doing a great job, you're perfectly normal & not all calm looking babies are always that way!

now, i think i might go & have a shower because it's officially afternoon & i'm still in my pjs! :redface:

:hug:

Sweety you are not useless! In fact I think your amazing for still bf even after all the issues you have had.

I could have written a lot of your post! Do you think your princess is windy? I started Ethan on brauer's colic relief and its done wonders for him. Does a bath/massage settle her? Maybe a nice warm bath in the evenings might help her to settle?

I don't know what else to suggest hun but you are definitely not alone!

Totally feeling for you. HUGS. HUGS. HUGS.
I found with my first I wind was the problem, she always burped, but within an hour she would be crying again. And I misinterpreted this as hunger. Which only made the problem worse. Once I worked it out I worked the wind out of her as soon as she cried, and would go straight back to sleep.
And most of all organise some time out - it took me 3 kids to realise it's OK that if Mum's not happy, no ones happy! Even 10 mins of Mummy time can make the world of difference!
Take Care.

:hug:
You're not useless at all - look how hard you're working at this and how far you've already come! I completely agree with the others - you are both learning right now. This always entails a bit of trial and error.

In the second month of life babies are more unsettled and cry more. They just do. Sometimes there are other thigns going on - as you've identified, tiredness & overstimulation, or reflux etc. For the most part this is all quite normal.

Don't get me wrong, it's hard right now I know, but it will get better. Sometimes all you can do is just ride out the tough times by doing whatever makes things easier for the both of you. If she likes the sling, then use it as much as possible. Do you co-sleep at all? That can be a lifesaver and makes feeding easier too if you can get the hang of feeding lying down. Take whatever help you can from others. Even having someone watch her for a few hours while you catch up on sleep. Get others to do the shopping so you can stay home and let her rest more - a few quiet days can make big difference sometimes.

These can just be temporary solutions till things settle - then yiou can go back to putting her down for sleeps and using a pram etc. Sometimes, especially as new mothers, we worry too much about what we should or shouldn't be doing - according to recieved wisdomm or the so-called experts - that we actually end up making life so much harder for ourselves. Even if she was happy sleeping in a cot earlier, that doesn't mean she can do it right now. But equally, if you take her into your bed now (for eg) it doesn't mean she won't be happy in her cot in a few weeks time.

:hug:

You are doing so well in what is a tough time. Just a few points- my DD wouldn't ever sleep in the pram in the shops even when very young so I just didn't take her out to save our sanity until things settled.
I too went to Ngala for a day stay and found it fabulous- very supportive and relaxing and you only do what you are comfortable with. I was very happy with my stay there!
Your bub sounds very much like my DD and her sleep patterns/behaviours early on but am happy to say that things do get better!

No sweetheart, you aren't. You're surviving, you're learning and your small one is still getting used to the world. They haven't read the books everyone has written about them either.
Tough little creatures aren't they? If it makes you feel any ounce better mine is not a pram lover either. Happy as larry in his slings....
:hug: You are doing an amazing job. Allow yourself to believe that.

You are definately NOT a usless mum. I know it's hard hun, I really do. I have an 18 month old who STILL doesn't sleep properly, and it is completely tiring and draining. Now I know why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture cause anyone would crack under that pressure. I don't have any advice because I still struggle to find out how to fix my own dd's sleep issues. But I couldn't read this without giving some :hug: and hoping it gets easier for you. Just keep reminding yourself your not useless, your trying to find a solution to your problem that's not useless babe.

Taurean, you are not a bad mum! You deserve some kind of medal for continuing with breastfeeding after all the dramas you have had.

My DS was much like Izzy, he would only have day naps if I was holding him (fine in teh cot at night) and would very rarely sleep in the car/pram. I wasn't willing to leave him crying, so the only option was to hold him. I watched a lot of T.V. I wish I had known the joy of slings.

With DD, she will sleep happily in the cot at night but wakes within minutes during the day. So I just put her on the couch. Sometimes she will stay asleep, or even drift off on her own if she is tired. Other times she wakes up again and I put her in the sling or hold her.

My advice would be to do what works best for now, whether that is holding/sling etc. In time she will begin to have longer and more regular naps and you can work on getting into a cot when she is settling better, for now she is still new to everything.

It is probably worth a try with the colic relief stuff and to consider reflux. Does the sling keep her upright? If she is happier to settle in the upright position that can be a symptom of a reflux problem. It could just as easily be that she needs her mummy close to her for now (as my DS did, nothing wrong with him he was just a clingy bub).

Someone in DS's buddy group had a bit of success with Bowen Therapy to help her DD become more settled. I also find if I have anything caffine while BF then my bubs struggle to get to sleep even when they are very tired.

You are doing a great job, just hang in there and it will get better.

:hug: I feel your pain. It was about 14 months ago that I was in the same boat, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I just couldn't get DS to settle in a pram or bassinett during the day, he slept pretty well at night once he was down, but had the evening unsettled period.
I resorted to wearing my DS in a sling during the day, he would spend most of the day sleeping, I just got on with what I had to do, with him strapped to me as best I could.
I found covering the sling in a light wrap when I wanted him to settle also helped. On top of that DS was gennerally only happy and settled when there was constant movement. None of this helped when the evening came around. I was always relived when DS finally settled. I would even eat dinner with DS in the sling while jiggling from one foot to another. DH would take his turn when able to, though DS would still settle better for me. I was so tired by the end of each day. This continued for a few months untill DH found that DS had started being more content lying and even sleeping for short periods in the pram, and without the constant movement! This was at about 4 months of age. I still found it almost impossible to get DS to sleep in his cot till he was 6 months. I just kept trying, then resorting to what I found worked, which was in his sling or walking with the pram. It was only after 6 months that I started having success getting DS to sleep in his cot during the day, now he goes to sleep like and angel in the morning, he still fights the afternoon sleep but will nap in the car or pram. Otherwise it usually takes 2 goes and alot of patting a shhhing. He still goes to sleep well at night, usually waking about once a night then waking for the day anywhere between 5am and 6.30am. The 5am day startes are an effort, but we get through them 1 day at a time. He also still has the odd night where wakes and refuses to go back to sleep, and we spend the next hour in tears.

I guess what I'm trying to say, I had so many doubts, is he too hot, cold, wet, hungry etc... trying to eliminate each one and still nothing seemed to work. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Just keep on trying, what worked yesterday may not work today. It drove me batty. But eventally you will develop your own communication and things will start to become easier. Motherhood is a damn hard job, nothing can really prepare you for it. But you are doing a good job, as long as you keep trying. Do what works and you will succeed.

I just wanted to offer you a :hug:.

You are not useless. You're just finding your way and learning about your DD. Some babies can self settle, others need a little bit more encouragement ;).

Your DD is so lucky to have a caring mummy who comforts her when she cries! You are doing and trying all the right things, its just finding the combination that works with your DD is the trick. Hang in there - it will get easier hun.

The only advice you may want to try is if DD seems to settle a bit better in an upright position try rolling a towel and putting it under the bassinette mattress at the head end - that worked well with DD.

Thank you so much for all your support and advice. I think I really let the sleep deprivation get on top of me yesterday - everything just seemed so terrible! I'm better today although still a little down but DD has been better, still not great though.

I ended up going to my parents for the day as DH was at a work golf day until late so it was good to get out of the house and be with someone to share the load. Mum and dad were great but DD was still very unsettled all day - completely overstimulated and overtired so the day just got worse and worse. There was a light at the end of the tunnel though - DD fed between 5 and 6pm then she went to sleep for EIGHT HOURS! She definitely made up for the lack of day sleeps! DH fed her at 2am for me and then I got up to her at 5am so I managd to catch up on a bit of sleep and I'm about to head to bed (at 8pm on a Saturday night - OMG!) to catch up a bit more.

I'd love to write persies but I really must get to bed while our little angel is finally sleeping but here is a quick list of the things we've tried with DD already:
- bassinet mattress is raised already as we suspected a few weeks ago she may have had silent reflux.
- DD sleeps fine in bassinet at night, just doesn't want to be there during the day - the little bugger!
- DD self settles at night - generally goes down without a peep from her and is asleep within 15 mins.
- the Bubba Moe sling is looking like it will be my saviour. She slept for an hour in it again today.
- I've tried feeding her in bed with me (both sitting up and laying down) and she will nod off but will wake within a few minutes and cry
- DD is very windy (farts a lot!) so I'm using both Infacol and Brauers Colic Relief.
- DD has a dummy and really likes it but not all the time. She goes to sleep at night without it and during her unsettled periods during the day, she generally sucks it vigorously while grunting a lot then spits it out - like she's trying to really let me know how upset she is! LOL!
- I've tried both noisey and quiet rooms, light and dark. It doesn't seem to make much difference.
- She sleeps well if she is nursed, in the sling and in the car. She just won't go down in her bassinet during the day or the pram.

Hopefully it's just a phase that will end as quickly as it started! You've all given me hope that, as all us mummies say, 'this too shall pass'. You've also made me realise that it's not my fault. I was feeling so down yesterday and although I'm still very tired and a little sad today, I do feel a lot better knowing what I'm going through is normal and I'm not alone.

Thanks so much girls :grouphug:

Hey Taurean

Well if you think you are a useless mother, then we are all too I would say!! Because everything you describe happens to every mother at some stage..if not every day! You are most definitely not useless..You are a new mum trying to figure out the best way to deal with juggling the feeding, comforting and sleeping of your little one- and it's tough!

So you know it does get better- that's a great start! Along with this, don't worry about what other babies do or dont do at the shops because in reality we all going through the same things a some point. I would also say just try and be flexible and open minded with your baby's feeding and sleeping. Honestly, this will do wonders (Except probably the opposite to what Ngala will tell you!!!!)

All the best x

Hi,

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. The first 6 weeks with a new baby are *never* as we imagined them to be - they are hell. The learning curve is so steep. The interesting thing is from where we are all sitting you seem like a great mum. it sounds like you have had significant challenges with breastfeeding and have worked really hard to sort them out - you are nearly there. Your baby is sleeping well at night - that's great, but he's got to squeeze more feeds in during the day - they need at least 8 in a 24hr period (12 is pretty normal too!) so the payoff for good sleep at night is often frequent feeding during the day. There are a whole lot of myths around babies and sleep. Often babies do sleep in the pram when they are out - they love the movement. But I guarantee that all those babies will wake up as soon as mum pushes the pram over the threshold of her house. And few of them will sleep 8 hours at night - most will be waking 2 or 3 or more times until they are 6 mnths or older. As others have said, your sling will be your best friend - babies are designed to be close to mum. No baby is going to love being put down alone to sleep. (I don't even like sleeping alone) But they will settle close to you in the sling, and you can get a bit done around the house if you want to.
Join your local Australian Breastfeeding Association. They are great. You get to go along to their meet-ups and discussions, and you learn that no-one is really getting much sleep, and by and large all babies are pretty much the same. And you are doing a great job!

Hi again

Thanks for all your support and words of wisdom. It really helped pull me out of my rut.

We are pretty sure Izzy has silent reflux and she started on Zoton yesterday and I *think* it is helping already. She slept for just over 9 hours straight last night (OMG!) and although she has been unsettled today, her cries have been different - not painful screams, more just the standard tired cries. It didn't help that we were out and about today so she didn't get much of a chance for a proper nap. Hopefully she'll catch up tonight - and me too for that matter!

We are doing a day-stay at Ngala, our parenting support centre, on Monday to get some tips on settling. I hope it helps us!

Well I'm off to eat then go to bed. I'm shattered again but at least I'm not down about it today ;)

:hug: glad you are feeling better. Sounds like you have got it all happening, the Zoton & day clinic sounds like it will be a help which is great :)