A bad situation..

Hi All,

I'm a new member here and I thought I'd post my current story to see if I can get some of this off my chest to strangers and also to see if anyone had any advice they can offer.

I separated from my wife around 4 months ago. I initiated it and I won't go into too much detail about the marriage suffice to say that we were married 7 years, we won't be getting back together and it wasn't due to anything "bad" - ie. no violence, neither of us was cheating, etc. She went overseas for 5 weeks with our daughter and when she came back I realised that I didn't miss her and didn't love her anymore.

We have an 18 month old daughter (Alicia) who means everything to me and she currently lives with her mum. We have a bit of stuff, not a lot, but I collect a lot of crap ("hobby" crap) and it's all stored in the house. She lives in Melbourne but I've moved down to Hobart temporarily and will be here for probably another 3 months.

ok, the best bits. She currently lives in the house and refuses to leave. She also refuses to pay anything towards the mortgage and up until recently I have still been paying all the bills (power, water, gas, elec, foxtel, internet, telephone & her car payment).

I fly back to Melbourne every weekend to see my daughter. She has allowed me to see her for around 4 hours per day (sat/sun) but insisted that it was supervised (by her) at the house. I have also been paying the maximum amount of child support (just under $1,500/mo) because she will not let me have our daughter overnight so has told CSA that she has 100% of the nights per year.

There has been no history of violence from me, but I do tend to yell when I get angry. She has punched me in the head before (while I was holding the baby), but I didn't go to the police or anything like that because I would have felt stupid. She is playing the 'I fear for my safety' card anyway and continually threatens to take out an AVO (but knows she currently has no grounds). I can tell she is always making little comments to get me angry but I've always kept my cool.

So anyway, last weekend I was allowed to take my daughter out of the house (after assuring her that my car is safe - I hired a car with an approved car seat as my other car in Melbourne is a ute and she refuses to let me take her in a ute). When I returned her, I was sent a txt asking to return her to the neighbours place, which I did. I then went next door to my house and tried to get in (I had something in the house I needed) and realised she has changed the locks!

I sent her a text asking her to come out and open the door, but she refused and then called the police. They couldn't do anything of course, it's my house after all. They persuaded her to open the door, I went in and got my stuff and then left.

I have been sent 3 letters through her lawyer (to mine) in the last week demanding the following:
- 72 hours notice minimum of when I want to see Alicia
- 4 contact hours per week, (or 8 per fortnight) no overnights
- Request 72 hours in advance to go to the house
- If I want to remove any items, they need to be requested through her solicitor
- Any communication must go through her solicitor (to "improve" communication apparently!)

Ultimately, I want 50% custody of my daughter, but she is fighting me every step of the way and making ridiculous demands. She holds all the cards because she has the house (and won't leave) and my daughter.

She gives lip service to look like she is cooperating but then tries to block every attempt I make to see my daughter - 4 hours per week, especially when I'm flying to Melbourne specifically to see her, is completely unfair. But to HER, it's fair - she keeps saying "We have to do what is best for Alicia" - the problem is she thinks that whatever she says is best for the baby because "mother knows best". She sill breastfeeds our daughter and in my opinion does so to maintain control over contact. She uses breastfeeding as an excuse as to why I can't have Alicia overnight.

Oh, one final thing. We went to mediation and she made no compromise and after the first session rang up and canceled the second session because she thought the mediator sided with me and was biased against her.

The only thing I can come up with is to get to court as fast as I can, but my lawyer said this morning that could take up to 6 months. So does anyone have any ideas?

Thanks for reading.

Well I'd stop paying all the bills, but other than that I don't have any ideas. Your lawyer would be the best one for advice really. Are you happy with your lawyer because you would think 72 hrs notice is going a bit far.

Cancel your accounts in your name. Give her written notice that you are doing so and keep photocopies of them (then she cant say that you didnt give her notice and left her with no power, etc)

Seek some assistance from a family soliciter.

She is gettign away with far too much. You deserve more access to your child and providing you have suitable accomodation for her you should have access to her overnight.

I would contact family assistance and let them now the situation as well. It is good to have as much stuff on the records as well.

Sorry I cant be of more help. I think you are being treated unfairly and I dont think it is right that she is using your child as a pawn in this situation. Good luck with it all.

If you are paying that much cs I would deffinatly stop paying bills, also you should get more time with dd if u pose no risk I don't know why you can't have 2 days of visits and she could express I agree go to court asap but stop paying bills!!!!

I agree with the others that you should stop paying the utilities but definitely give her notice.

I have to say as a breast feeding mother of a 20 mnth old that DS still feeds 2/3 times overnight which would make it difficult for overnight visits. DP has looked after him all night once and settled him with milk and had to sleep with him and I am going away in a couple of weeks and I am very nervous and I am with my partner. What I am trying to say that while you shouldn't have to 'prove' that you can look after DD overnight it might go a long way to help your cause to tell her how you would handle an overnight visit. Hope that makes sense...

I would also be talking with a lawyer to see what your rites are and if you aren't happy with your current lawyer find one you are happy with

Definitely stop paying bills. Give her a weeks notice and cancel everything that is in your name connected to that house!

Get another solicitor if you are not happy with the one you currently have.

Talk to Relationships Australia. Try mediation again. Make notes about her cancelling etc. It will all go in your favour when it gets to court. Take notes about everything little thing. If she promises something and doesn't deliver, make a note etc.

Lastly, do not play her game. It sounds like she is incredibly hurt by the breakdown of your marriage and she is lashing out. Try to be sympathetic but do not be a punching bag or doormat!

I have no advice, I just wanted to say welcome and to wish you well. You'll find good advice and great support here

Mmmm...

Well the requests about times IMO are just common sense. It isn't okay to just rock up...

As for paying the mortgage. If she has been the primary care giver of your daughter and the relationship breaks down... She is very likely able to claim spousal maintenance from you. Spousal Maintenance is an interim order that helps tide her over until a financial settlement is reached. A spousal maintenance order is likely to cover some if not all of the mortgage and "other reasonable expenses of the marriage"...

If you want a 50% shared care arrangement - can I ask why you are in Hobart? Usually shared care arrangements are appealed soon after separation...

If she is breastfeeding and has been breastfeeding Alicia - I would think it unlikely she is doing this for your disadvantage. The WHO advise the children are breastfed for at least 2 years.
That would make overnight visits difficult - it's my experience that it would be difficult to gain overnight visits if a child is breastfed.

I wish you luck with this... Remembering a marriage breakdown is very very painful. She is in pain, she is grieving for the loss of the family unit as it was. You are fine as this is what you want. Give her some time and space would be my advice.

I think the best thing you can do is get some legal advice about your own situation.

From an emotional perspective, the separation is very recent, and this affects how both of you interact with each other.

Good luck.

Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice for you, other than to seek some sound legal advice.

My ex-partner ended our relationship when I was 6 weeks pregnant, and it was very painful, so I would imagine she would be feeling very emotional and also probably quite frightened at the prospect of having shared custody of your child.

Having said that, I have always tried to maintain an amicable relationship with my XP despite the hurt, because I believe that he is a good father, so I think it's best for my daughter that he is in her life. In my opinion, a mother should never deny a father the right to a relationship with their child (or vice versa), as long as he is a good father and that it's whats best for the child.

Each story has different semantics, but as parents, sometimes we need to put our own emotions to the side, and concentrate on what's best for the kids.

All the best. I hope it's a good outcome for you all.

Welcome Ray. Looking forward to chatting with you more. You sound like a very interesting person.

I think, however, that what you refer to as "shared care" is actually "shared parental responsibility", which refers to decision making powers for the long term decisions about your child's care, welfare and development. These are usually health, education and religious issues. "Care" is the physical time that each parent spends with the child.

Good luck to both of you.

LOL Ray, funny! Single parenting is hard even with the most co-operative relationship between parents. It isn't uncommon for many of us to have difficulties with our XPs, so feel free to start a new thread with your own story if you would like to share.

Good luck, i hope everything gets sorted soon

I have to say Jessey that your comment sounded very harsh to me.
Breastfeeding is more than nutrition. A breastfed child is that. Breastfed. I dont really understand the necessity of overnights at the detriment to the breastfeeding bond of mother and child.

I think it's important to remember there are feelings & emotions that go along with breastfeeding. For both mother and child.

However, remembering also that divorce is difficult. The best interests of a child I would think is to have his or her life remain as "usual" as possible. Abruptly ceasing breastfeeding or indeed trying to coax an under 2 to have a bottle rather than a breastfeed would be difficult for the child. I think it would be difficult to argue that ceasing breastfeeding or beginning to bottle feed to facilitate an overnight visit by another parent may not be in the best interests of a child. Not to mention the Mama.

Hi there CFlake,

I won't comment on a lot of your situation because it sounds like a very difficult one - sadly, if you are unable to come to a mutually agreeable compromise, I think it is best dealt with through the family court system. It sounds as if you are very devoted to your daughter, and I hope things work out for you. I would be devastated if for some reason I was unable to have close contact with my children.

There are a couple of things I will comment on, though, and I will address this to both you, and Jessey, who also posted:

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everyone's saying that you cant take Alicia overnight because she breastfeeds, i dont see why your XP cant just express for you it seems like an excuse more than anything IMO

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This is really bad for maintaining supply. Expressing milk and feeding expressed milk is recommended for short periods of time - say, for one or two missed feeds - not for overnight stays or longer. Expressing milk simply does not do the same job of stimulating milk production to continue that feeding normally does. Anyone here who has been unfortunate enough to have to express long term will attest to how very difficult it is to maintain supply.

There are lots of really good reasons to breastfeed an 18 month old. It's very beneficial to their emotional development - it helps maintain their sense of security and their emotional wellbeing, and this is doubly important during the emotional upheaval of a separation. It's also good for their health - it is the most hypoallergenic, nutritious food that you can give a baby or toddler. I mean, look at all of those advertisments for the various toddler formulas which emphasise us how important it is to support the toddler's immune system to the age of 3 - breast milk does this job, and does it far more effectively than toddler milks. The WHO does recommend that children are breastfed until at least 2 years of age.

While I can sympathise with the emotional difficulties you are having at this time, I think you need to think about what is best for your daughter; and at this stage, breastfeeding is very important. I don't think you would be acting in her best interests if you put her in a situation where that might be taken away from her.

Secondly, as someone else has pointed out, you say you have initiated the separation, and you have moved to Hobart temporarily. I wonder whether this might be an important time to be as close to your daughter as possible, so that you can make the most of the limited time you have available to you with her? Perhaps it might be wise to consider your living arrangements to provide the two of you with the best possible chance to maintain your father-daughter bond.

I hope things all work out for you.

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I have to say Jessey that your comment sounded very harsh to me.
Breastfeeding is more than nutrition. A breastfed child is that. Breastfed. I dont really understand the necessity of overnights at the detriment to the breastfeeding bond of mother and child.

I think it's important to remember there are feelings & emotions that go along with breastfeeding. For both mother and child.

However, remembering also that divorce is difficult. The best interests of a child I would think is to have his or her life remain as "usual" as possible. Abruptly ceasing breastfeeding or indeed trying to coax an under 2 to have a bottle rather than a breastfeed would be difficult for the child. I think it would be difficult to argue that ceasing breastfeeding or beginning to bottle feed to facilitate an overnight visit by another parent may not be in the best interests of a child. Not to mention the Mama.

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I recognise that you have a valid point/opinion Inanna but what about the effect of not having her father in her life. To me this would be more detrimental, after having her daddy there from the beginning, than not being BF for 1 night a week!

That's so true Tiffany you are absolutely right! But this Dad lives in another state - there are lotsof hours in a day and a week where access is possible and can be negotiated. Not having a child overnight does not mean that that child cannot have a relationship with their father! I know from my own personal experience had I weaned my babies because their father decided he didn't want to be married and wanted overnight access - well they would have been distraught! They all fed frequently one until she was 3.

When marriage breaks down and there are children involved we need to think of the kids. What is going to make them feel the safest?

Usually this is having the familiar care provider to look after them - and access to their other parent. In the case of a breastfeeding child it would be very difficult to argue that it is better for them to not breastfeed so their father can have them overnight. For example my daughter at 2 fed frequently throughout the night. Had I been in this situation I would have fought strongly for the right for my child to breastfeed as she always had.

I think it's easy to get emotive and reactive and talkof the rights of parents. But let's look first at the rights of children. If a parent lives interstate and travels overseas then perhaps this child is accustomed to the absence of her father. Perhaps not used to the absence of her mother? I do not know of course - it's conjecture.

However, again, what is the best for a child is what needs to be thought of first. When parents cabnnot agree on that. The Courts will. Unfortunately when that happens it costs much in the form of money, respect and goodwill... (often)

I hear what you are saying Dad...

I think you mean the "let down" Dad.

I think you are being selective with your information Dad - the case for breastmilk being the best option for children is really indisputable. I am a health professional & I have never in my time come across a professional who can disclaim this!

I can tell you my experience with a 2 & 3 year old that breastfed... I couldn't express anything! I can especially appreciate the difficulty to try and express coupled with the extreme stress and anxiety that one typically experiences during relationship break down.

I think it is totally unreasonable to expect a child to cease breastfeeding to facilitate overnight visits. Anyone can bottlefeed a baby but not so with breastfeeding. There is a bond, an emotional, physical and dare I say Spiritual bond that develops in the breastfeeding relationship.

The time for breastfeeding is short comparative to life expectancy. If a child has always breastfed changing that for the convenience of another parent I think is not optimal.

Hi again all. Thanks for all the replies, advice and encouragement.

To reply to a few questions I've read here, the reason I moved to Hobart was for work. I had been out of work for 2 months and there were no jobs available in Melbourne. One of my friends offered me a job in Hobart and I consulted the ex (wife at the time) and she actually insisted that I go as she was worried that there would be no money coming in.

With regards to the breastfeeding, by ex said in mediation that she only breastfeeds once per day - when Alicia goes to bed and that it was only for comfort. The mediator suggested that she slowly wean Alicia off being breastfed by the time she turns 2 as there are other ways you can comfort a 2 year old. This is the reason my ex thought that the mediator was biased against her as she didn't like 'putting a time limit on it'.

Of course, now the ex has changed her tune and she now states Alicia is breastfed twice during the day, at bedtime, all throughout the night, etc. Unfortunately I can't raise this as it was mentioned during mediation and thus isn't admissible in court.

- CFlake

Ermmm, I BF'd DD till she was 3 and her dad took her overnight fairly regularly, sometimes for 2 nights. Other times I had to work at night so I couldn't give her a bedtime feed (this was from the age of about 18mo I think) and it didn't bother her at all.

However the first thing she would say when she saw me was BOOBIES!

But that's just me and her I suppose.

Ok i'm sorry if it sounded harsh i'm not even going to say anymore.... :wall:

I have to say as a breastfeeding mother I would be outraged if anyone suggested I should wean my children for any reason other than that the child wanted to wean. Breastfeeding is more than just a source of nutrician, and the WHO recommend that children have access to breastmilk for at least 2 years, and beyond. Sadly expressing is neither easy nor achievable for many women, so if your daughter still needs breastmilk at night the best thing for her is to be with her mum overnight. Children of this age often change from feeding only one per day to feeding several times per 24hours depending on teething, etc. Your ex may be telling the truth here.

That said I do not see why 4 hours a day is your limit for access to your daughter. Most children who BF frequently at the age she is could miss a feed or two during the day, and make the most of using BFing as a settling tool at night. It sounds like she is being unreasonable in her access demands. I hope you get a good lawyer to help you but TBH I suspect the courts will be more likely to go in your favour if you show that you respect your daughter's need for breastmilk and make no demands on a timescale for this to stop, as this should be your daughter's decision alone.

I agree. I think for your daughters best interests it would be reasonable, at least in the short term, to maximise your time during daylight hours with her, so that you don't disrupt her feeding and settling at night.

I don't think anyone is suggesting weaning - it wouldn't be necessary anyway.
What about the childs relationship with her father - wouldn't they need a little more time by this stage?

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I don't think anyone is suggesting weaning - it wouldn't be necessary anyway.
What about the childs relationship with her father - wouldn't they need a little more time by this stage?

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Completely agree with this.

Do you have accommodation near where your ex wife lives that is suitable for your daughter to stay overnight? ie. parents house that could be set up as a suitable childrens room. You need to think about having a set up for her like a suitable cot/bed for an 18mth old and all the bits and bobs. This would work in your favour at the courts to show that you are well prepared and understand the needs of your child.

I too think it is absolutely necessary for a relationship to be nutured and fostered with Dad too... If a child feeds frequently overnight staying overnight may not be the best for the child. As I saif previously my experience with my first child was that she couldn't be left overnight - she fed throughout. Each child is different though.

As I said there are lots of hours in a day that a child can spend with their parent that doesn't require overnight visits (to facilitate a night feeder). I too don't really understand the 4 hourly thing during the day. My child was fine without BB during the day if I wasn't about. Night time wasn't the same! Again, each child is different.

I think it is good advice that you set up house nearby with some toys, maybe a highchair etc etc so that your little girl has a feeling of home. If she co sleeps with her mother it might be pretty rough overnight without the boobies... If she co sleeps with her mum then she prbably won't need her own bed or cot.

I would suggest you get advice &/or ask for more time during the day...

:hug: to you and to your XW as you try to work through this difficult situation. I imagine that emotions are running high, particularly since your beautiful DD is so young.

I too would think that moving interstate is more harmful to seeing your child often and spending the maximum possible time with her than her mother's bfing relationship with her. So I don't really think her continued bfing is really the main issue. Where would you have her overnight anyway if your residence is in Hobart and you're visiting in Vic? A hotel for the night is hardly ideal! And you can't really take such a small child away from her main carer for days/weeks at a time interstate.

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I hired a car with an approved car seat as my other car in Melbourne is a ute and she refuses to let me take her in a ute).

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It's illegal in NSW to have a baby seat in the front seat of a car. The law has also changed here so that children up to the age of seven (I think) now need to be in an approved child seat. I imagine the law is similar in Vic, and even if it isn't, commonsense would tell you that it is at least safer that way. So it wouldn't just be her 'refusal' to take your child in a ute, to do so would be downright dangerous and probably break the law.

You both need to work together to figure out a compromise that works best for both of you and it hardly sounds like you're on good terms right now. I really hope you can both come to a place where you can work out what is best for your DD together, rather than fighting about $$ and hours.

This must be a really difficult situation to be dealing with. I wish you all the best.

Sorry, but I have to respond to that comment.

Bfing toddlers may feed once a day or many times a day. It can change from one month to another. I don't know how often your DD bfs and neither do you, atm. Toddlers are meant to bf and they do not need a 'time limit' on when they should stop. If a mediator had tried to say that to DP and I when we were planning on splitting up, neither of us would have stood for it. And 'friends' would not necessarily know how many times you are bfing a toddler.

Again, bfing is certainly putting less of a strain on access to your DD than living interstate is. Although it's only temporary, the fact is, you chose to work interstate away from your DD. When you are living closer you will have much more access to your DD and perhaps you and your XW can come to a better custody arrangement, bfing or no. It would be silly to plan an attack focused around this point as you really don't know how much of an issue it will be in three or six months time. She may or may not be still bfing, but you'll still have to sort out what works best for all of you.

And I say this with the utmost respect, but why the need to 'Hang Strong Dads'? I think all single and separated parents, male or female, need support and assistance to be able to raise their children as well as they can. This is not an 'us' vs 'them' thread and the Dad in question has had plenty of positive comments from Mums as well. I respect there is a Dad here wanting to spend more time with his DD and looking for advice on how to do that, not for an argument on why men in particular need to 'hang strong'.

Gawd, it really seems like it's you making the us V them - if anyone here were man haters (pfft) why bother giving SUPPORT?

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To those mothers who dont like my writing and support of a dads rights - get stuffed

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If you want people to take you seriously, perhaps you should re-think such childish comments. Smile or no smile i don't find that necessary. It is also important to remember there are always two sides to a story.

While we're referring to rules and guidelines:

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2. Do not abuse or 'flame' other members, websites or businesses.
If you disagree with a member, find a civil way to communicate that. Any personal arguments must be kept off the boards (eg, via email or PM). Name calling or rudeness is not okay.

If you have been offended by a member, we encourage you to contact them to clarify what they meant. Many online disagreements are caused by misunderstandings, and can be avoided when members contact one another to clarify (via PM or email).

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You must be respectful and polite towards each other. We are all worthy of respect and kindness - if you find you cannot comply with guidelines then please refrain from posting until you can.

Wow Dad2Boys...

I know personally I value the role of a positive father role model in children's lives. Having a positive father "experience" is vital for the healthy psychological and psychosocial development of children.
I actually think it may be erroneous to only support who you judge to be the "good parent" "doing the right thing"... All parents need support. All parents behave in ways that are not always optimal. All parents.

I also agree that "it is obvious that this mother is lying"... I don't see that is obvious. What I see is a relationship breakdown and the opinion of the father is that the mother is breastfeeding his daughter merely to make it difficult for him to have over night access. It would be foolish to say that this never happens. It could be happening in this situation. However, much is being made of the breastfeeding issue. When to me personally the fact that he lives across Bass Strait would surely be more of a problem. I think it would be possible that many Mothers would not cease to feed overnight to accomodate a Father that lives interstate... I would be one of those Mothers.

I don't subscribe to the good and bad parent scenario. That to me causes a great divide. For it has been my experience and observation that we all have positives and negatives - & thus we all deserve the support.

When you reply to "get stuffed" to those who perhaps disagree or challenge your viewpoints I don't understand how that is supportive to anyone?

I love men! I personally have some beautiful Souls that are men in my life - and I hope one day to meet another one to share my life... I don't hate men. But what happened to me showed me just what can happen to your average Jo Blow when a marriage ends.

I need you to hear Dad2Boys that not all women hate men. Not all men are misogynists either. We all have our story and our journey.

Now I hope you hear that this isn't about men or women or men versus women. This is individual situations.

The OP has a lawyer which is great. There is no way known I would trust anything as precious as the outcome of a divorce to my own limited knowledge of law. Just as I wouldn't trust amputating my own finger or taking out my childs tonsils...

I wish you peace Dad2Boys as it sounds from your posts that you are still rather raw. Maybe you can say Hang Strong Parents - because generally parenting does not have the support that such a Sacred role deserves. Namaste :hug:

I think we need to get back to cflakes opening post and offer any support and advice which many members are doing. I think some things were just taken out of context and there is alot of emotion involved for a lot of people. :grouphug: for everyone.

Every situation is different but in this thread lets just look at cflake's.

Cflake- You do need to hang in there and you do need to keep the best interests of your child in heart. Lots of people will have different opinions on what that is as many come from different situations.

I honestly believe that the most important thing that a child needs apart from being fed, cleaned, clothed and be in a safe and loving environment, is as many people as possible that care and love them (the more the better I say)! Your daughter seems to have two parents who both do that which is fantastic. I hope this all ends well and you can both come to an amicable agreement.

From a mums point of view I would hate to be away from my daughter for even a few hours let alone a night so I can understand your wife not wanting to part with your daughter but she does need to stay rational and be reasonable. Her demands onf money and only allowing 4 hours is ridiculously unfair. You are your DD's Dad and are equally her parent. From my esperience, I honestly think that the younger a child starts splitting them time between divorced parents the easier the transition is as it becomes something that is just 'life' to them. (My parents divorced when I was one and I have always known my life up until I was 16 of going to Dads every second weekend). I could keep telling you about my own situation as my parents had messy court battles but what they always did was keep our best interests at heart.

If you do have to speak to your ex at all, I would suggest you try and be as calm as possible, as you dont want to give her any ammunition at all against you having joint custody and just write down an action plan of what you would like in regards to access, how you are going to make it feasable and how it is in the best interests of your child.

Hope that has been in someway helpful. :hug:

I wasn't going to respond, but I have to. Firstly, from reading all the posts here, and I am trying to word this correctly so im not stepping on toes, or knowing my luck getting into trouble. But, i am completely on his side. ( the original poster) I am sorry but when a man doesn't step up and take responsibility for his children, women go nuts and the father is an ********. But yet women aren't happy when they are doing stuff so how do they win? Would any of you settle for seeing your child for only 4 hours? and for one second leave breastfeeding out of it, would you be satisfied with that time with your child? If the roles were reversed and again, leaving the breastfeeding out of it, the man had the child and was doing everything that she is doing there would be like 6 pages of replys about what a jerk he was. She is getting MORE than enough. I dont' care whether she's got the child 100% of the time or not sounds like she's doing it for the money. Paying all the bills and mortgage should be enough not the child support on top of it, im sorry but that is supporting your child, by paying the bills and mortgage. I know im going to be unpopular for this, but I think 4 hours a day is crap. This is a man who WANTS desperately WANTS to see his child. Yet we complain when they DON'T want to see their children and spend anytime with them? hrmmm

As many here are aware, I work in this area, and I would definitely ask everyone to think twice about posting too much personal information on the Internet, particularly when there is the potential for Court proceedings. I have seen printouts of Internet sites used against clients in Court, whereby their "attitude" towards the other parent is not positive. This has been significantly detrimental to the outcome sought by the client.

Cflake - again, please go and see a lawyer, if you haven't already. If mediation is not going ahead, seek advice about issuing Court proceedings. There are many issues that come into play when a Court determines what amount of time a child should spend with each parent, and your circumstances are unique to your individual case.

It is extremely difficult to give out all the relevant details about appropriate living arrangements for child(ren) of any age, particularly on the Internet. Again, caution is necessary, as there are always issues that may not be directly addressed.

Good luck Cflake, I hope that you are able to discuss this issue with your XP without too much acrimony and come to an agreement which you can both live with. Not necessarily one that you both like, but one you can both live with. Best wishes.

Wow Kristy how could you be on anyones "side" when you only know one version of the story??? I am not sure how anyone could possibly side with one person or another without knowing both versions of truth. It is that very thing that causes friction and dysfunction...

Alibaby is correct the OP asked for some direction, perspective and advice.

Breastfeeding has from some peoples perspective quite a bit to do with it - & from the OP this is an issue... I think that what we are aiming to see here is not "sides" but support and direction in a difficult and painful situation.

I am just saying from the orignal poster, from what I have heard I agree with him 100%

Separation is difficult for everyone, including the child. Nobody here knows the entire story - there are always different perspectives. Each individual case has issues which are particular to that case.

Cflake needs independent, professional legal advice. That advice can address all the issues particular to his case. Those include distance, age of child, breastfeeding, attachment issues, and many other issues which are not specifically addressed in Cflake's initial post.

Cflake does not appear to have been back to check in, so perhaps we might listen to what he has to say about the support that he has received in this thread.

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but my focus is to support the good parent doing the right thing, this dad is doing the right thing and having to endure the crap from a system and mother that is not doing the right thing in my opinion

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There is always three sides to every story...

I don't think it's fair to flame the mother, I'm not saying CFlakes is a liar either but I don't think we have all the relevant info to start pointing fingers and saying who the better parent is. CFlakes has asked for advice, not a verbal bashing on what sort of parent the mother of his child is.

Again Dad2Boys let's ease away from the generalisations. Each situation is different. It is not fair nor is it accurate to say "mothers get away with murder in these matters and fathers have to fight for their rights"... Comments such as this are inflammatory and cannot do anything but create ill feeling.

For every father that believes that women "get away with murder" there is a Mother that believe/feel they have been wronged by a man.

I don't think anyone ever goes to Court as a first choice. Remembering that seeking legal counsel is very different to going to Court. I think it is reckless to think a lay person can navigate the legalaties of separation without a Family Law Specialist. Most individuals work hard to keep a case out of Court. When through Solicitors individuals cannot reach an agreement that is suitable - there is no choice but Court. It is sad that you and your partner could not reach a solution together. It is a costly exercise: financially & emotionally - I am sure your partner and yourself have suffered much through the experience.

I think again the division - or judgement that you decide who is a "good" parent needs to be let go. For every "good" parent out there - I am sure there are times when that parent fails some. None of us a "good" all of the time.

"Good" is such a judgement. I think ALL parents need support - I actually believe that those that are in a place where there are areas that could improve need the most support.

Again ALL parents need support. Judging is a very dangerous occupation. For it is my experience that we all fail miserably at times. Humbleness is a virtue that slaps us in the face when we use judgement!

Again good luck with your healing.