Need tips from any single parents!

In the last week or so I have started getting really stressed about money, and I'm hoping some single parents out there who have walked a similar path are able to give me some advice or tips.

A quick re-cap of my story. I'm 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and her Dad lives in the UK; he is a British Citizen. It was a difficult breakup in the beginning, and resulted in me flying home to Australia at 6 weeks pregnant alone; his choice. I've worked really hard at dealing with the pain I felt, and we're now on friendly enough terms. He wants to be involved with his DD, which is music to my ears, because I think she will benefit from that relationship (in whatever form it may be).

I have been working hard to save up the $4,500 that I will need to go over to the UK for 3 weeks with my DD next September so she can meet her Dad and the rest of her relatives there. I think it's really important that DD has this opportunity to bond with her Dad from the beginning. I realise it may go balls up or he may let her down, but at least she'll be young enough to not be affected, and i'll then know that at least I have tried for her sake.

Here's where the problem lies. I am currently living with my folks, they're great, supportive and are financially well off. But, the $4,500 is the only savings I have, and when I get back from the UK in September 2010, I would like to look at moving out of Mum and Dad's so DD and I can get on our feet and be an independent family. Living with my parents was never to be a permanent arrangement.

My question is, am I kidding myself in thinking that I can go to the UK and spend all the money I have saved so that DD can meet her Dad, and then still come back to Australia and make a comfortable life for us just on the money from Centrelink? I just want what's best for my girl.

Any tips/advice most appreciated!!

Maybe you could ask if he could contribute in some way to your travelling expenses - like pay for the ticket and you will cover everything else (rather than you paying for the ticket and hmi covering everything else and then possibly letting you down)

I wouldn't spend that kind of money on it, tbh. It's a lot, a long journey etc etc. What sort of interest have his family shown this far?

It might be better to go when she is older anyway?

just mho

They are all really keen to meet her, but living in the UK is expensive and none of them really have 2 spare cents (or pence) to rub together, so him coming here or giving me some financial help with the trip aren't really an option unfortunately.

I'm just not sure how tough its going to be living alone with my DD and purely being supported by Centrelink until I can eventually get back to work (maybe first 2 years at home). I'm not sure whether I will look back in a year's time and think to myself 'you should have used that money more wisely'. Or maybe I will be perfectly able to live comfortably if I budget well.

It's just so hard to know without ever having been in that position.

:hug:I think its a very beautiful totally unselfish thing your thinking of doing hun, but i think you need to think realistically whether this money would be better off getting you guys set up with moving out etc, I agree with both muppity and lulu if you can work out him helping out with the travelling expenses or maby he could come here to meet her than maby it might work out. you'll have enough on your plate as it is without having to travel with a young baby and the expenses on top of that xx

you are so strong hun, i know it must be so hard right now, i remember being in your place maby alittle different situations but i know the strength it takes and i know you have it inside

The thing is that moving out isn't just adding rent to the equation -- you will need things to set up a place for you and your little one; bed, fridge, plates, cutlery, towels... the list goes on! Do you have all of this? Do you have a plan to acquire all of this? That is something to consider :hug:

It is tough work doing it alone but not impossible. Keep your chin up!

I just want to collapse in a flood of tears right now. I really feel there is no solution for me and it's killing me. How can I give my DD all she deserves in life when I have no money and her father is 10,000 miles away.

The strength I have found to get through this last 34 weeks is fading as the stress of feeling trapped and powerless takes over.

oh hun, it must be so hard right now!

In a perfect world it would be wonderful to hop on a plane, take baby over and do the introductions. But, as others have said, you really need to prioritise what you are going to be doing with the cash that you have.

This may sound horrible - but if they / he wants to see baby, they can help you do it. The responsibility does not lie solely on YOU to provide, care, and nourish baby AND find the fundage for her father's family to meet her.

Use the money in your best interests (fridge, bond, gas/electricity bond etc) - when the time comes that they really want to meet her I am sure they will help you. Do not let that fall on yourself, especially not the first time, as it will always be expected.

Be kind to yourself. Try to focus on the amazing ride you are just about to begin, a life with your new baby! Not worrying about money and plane trips.

Thanks for all the responses!

I think what it really comes down to is that I am scared that her life will feel incomplete if she doesn't know her Dad. It's not so much about me going so they can meet her, but more to try and bridge that geographical gap so that when it's fathers day and shes at school and the kids are making cards for their dads, shes not the little girl left feeling sad and confused about why she doesn't know her dad.

It's not that i'm trying to force this relationship between them, I just figure that if he's keen to be involved and it will make her feel more whole, maybe i'm a bad mum if I don't provide that opportunity for her. God knows if i leave it up to XP, whether his intentions are good or not, they wont meet any time soon.

It's definitely not him or his family i'd be making the trip for, it's my girl, and it would break my heart if she felt any pain, loss or abandonment at not having her Dad in her life.

Hun, take it from me - it's very very hard to live on clink alone. You need that money in the bank for YOU and baby.

If she doesn't meet her father as an infant, it won't make a difference I promise. There are other ways. At the very least it should be HIM coming out here to see her - not you trekking across the globe babe in arms.

At the end of the day she DOES have a dad, she can still make cards for him, talk on the phone - Skype and webcam. It's not perfect but it's also not up to you to do all the work.

You WILL need that money as a backup - end of story. xoxoxoxo

I have to agree with the other ladies in using your money to set yourself up at the moment over a trip for your DD to meet her father whom she probably wont be interested in until she is much older anyhow. If he is doing the same thing then thats another story. Regardless of how poor he is he could make some financial contribution to help you get over there with your DD. I wouldn't be making all the effort if he wants to meet her he would be helping more then just verbally saying her wants her over there and leaving the financial costs all to you.
The fact your so concerned about giving your daughter what you feel is essential (a relationship with her father) shows how you want to protect her and provide for her. You maybe struggling now but it doesn't mean you will be in another few years. Anything can happen and you don't know what life has install for you. I was a single mum when I was 17 and so poor but now I am financially secure. I not only had no money but her father who didn't live that far away didn't want anything to do with her. What I am saying is what maybe a huge expense now might be less of a financial difficulty in a few years time. If you use this money you have saved what does it mean you miss out on instead? The money could go towards setting up home, a car, eduaction, deposit for an investment, house etc all things that would benefit your DD as much if not more then meeting her Dad. She can still have a good relationship with him as she gets older and can use technology to keep in touch as Lulu suggested. Other then pictures as proof she has met him she will not remember a thing at the age she will be.

TBH i would use that money to set up a place for you and DD... like pay bond on a little place and furnish it... i can garuntee DD wont remember the trip to the UK and much better to do it when shes older, if she wants to.
i get by purely on Clink (but im a really good budgeter) but things r still tight. i share with friends and am on the 18 month waiting list for govt housing. im pretty sure its about the same state to state so i am getting about 850 a fortnite plus for the first 6 months was getting about 400 a fortnite baby bonus on top of that... IMO u shud use the 4500 to get a place, then maybe save up your baby bonus(5000) and if you still feel the same once DD arrives u can take her over when shes 6 or 7 months? GL hun, from another single mummy x

Here's another perspective:

Even if you have the baby here, and go and visit over there, it is possible that he may bring Court proceedings for visitation with baby whilst you are over there. He may also get Orders which restrain you from coming home.

There is no way in hell I would advise you to go back there. He can come here and visit. Don't do it.

You are NOT responsible for your daughter's relationship with her father. He is. If he wants to step up to it, well and good. If he doesn't - well it's HIS loss, not yours. Your daughter will make her own way in the world, with or without him.

He can come and visit her in Australia whenever he likes. It is much easier for an adult to travel, than a child to travel. If he wants to get to know her, he can. Just make sure it's in Australia and not over there.

Good luck - get some independent legal advice ASAP.

i'd be researching rents and bond NOW. PUblic housing lists are years long.

Bond is often six weeks rent
you need to pay a bond to the company that supplies elctircity
you need to pay a bond to the company that supplies gas

setting up a new place, takes more money that you might think.

Make a list now (stocktake if you will) of all you have, that will be useful in setting up a home for you and bubs.

That will help you make a list of what you don't have right now.

Use this list to visit opshops, garage sales etc, to start whittling down that list BEFORE BABY ARRIVES. Much harder to go shopping with a nb.

Travelling with a nb, also assumes you will have an easy labour, an easy baby.

assume nothing.

i would not be bankrupting myself, so a few far away relatives get to cuddle my nb.

i think establishing your bond with your baby is more important (you need a secure place HERE to do that).

I realise you are trying to be selfless and put your baby first, but i think you're actually putting the daddy first.

Longterm, your baby needs a home. A home lasts longer than a short holiday.

Sadly, i don't think you can do both.

i doubt you will be able to spend the baby bonus on her future, or another trip. You will be amazed how many expenses accrue, even when you're on a low income and are trying to live "without frills". Life happens, things break, need replacing. People get sick. As a single mum especially, some childcare may provide you with some sanity.

that money could be your safety net, a little buffer.

dont' let go of it too quickly. so hard to save it, so easy to spend it.

Your DD deserves to be loved, happy, safe and secure, these are the most important things and it is obvious you can offer ALL of these things to her in overflowing abundance!!!

I can understand things aren't exactly how you would like them but you will get through this. I also understand you want her to have a relationship with her dad but at her age she won't remember meeting him or his family and I understand that you are saying its tough over there but if it is going to be tough for you over here why should u and your daughter be the ones to struggle when you are the one who has diligently saved? Also you did say that you moved back here alone because thats what he wanted. I would leave it up to him to save to come over or to have you and dd come over, let him prove he is serious about being in her life before you spend all your savings going to see him.

I don't know exactly how much your centrelink payments will be. If you aren't working now contact them and you would be eligible for newstart paymetns and you will be exempt from looking for work I would do that straight away so you can have the extra bit of money to help you. With that your savings and the baby bonus that will help you a lot to set up a home for yourself and dd and to get the bills paid so you can have a few years at home with her.

It obviously is your decision but I would say having you at home with her for longer and having e roof over her head (even though it sounds like you will have that anyway with your parents) and having her mum feel more financially secure is more important for your dd then a trip to see her dad. Just remember you are far from stopping her have a relationship with her dad, you are obviously very encouraging it.

You are going to be a wonderful mum and obviously love your daughter to bits already!

There are some great ways to keep in touch with those overseas without actually being in the same place. use skype, and you can see each other in real time. send pics or videos through e-mail or snail mail or facebook. talk about your daughter's dad and how much he loves her. you guys can send cards to dad and grandma.... the relos can send postcards or e-mail etc. send letters or e-mail to the uk family and let them know what is happening, even when she is little.

all these things can help people feel like they really know each other when they do meet.

Thanks everyone!

It's good to get some advice from parents who have been there and know the situation I am heading into.

I have a bit more perspective now I think, and as much as I would love to go back to the UK for many different reasons (one reason being that I truly love Scotland where XP is and wish I could afford to live there myself!) I can see how it makes more sense to stay here and set up a stable home for her instead.

Hopefully her Dad becomes a bit more internet savvy between now and then so we can all keep in contact, but he still has my laptop so at least he can email. Unfortunately, it means that I am now without my own computer and have to use my parents'.

Just a few weeks to go until she arrives. She is my heart and soul and everything that matters and I am just so excited for her arrival.

Oh, and I forgot to mention in my last reply...

Some of you mentioned government housing and waiting lists. I was under the impression that I could rent a house normally through a real estate agency or private and receive some rent assistance from centrelink?

I had it in my mind that I could maybe get a small place for say $200-$250 per week and have it subsidised with rent assistance. If this is not the case, oh dear!!

My parents have investment properties and have indicated that maybe they could buy one that would be suitable for me and DD to live in, but even so, I would still have to pay a decent amount of rent.

I haven't read all the responses darling - but I would be very very very very careful about taking your daughter out of the country onto his turf...

If you take her over there he may choose to initiate legal action to gain some visitation/custody. He might seem like the nice meek type but I can assure you oncce the gloves are off things can get very ****eyed. If he was to initiate some type of legal action you would have to stay put until the case was heard - very costly. Plus he may gain some custody tha would then prevent you from leaving the country. Remember his relationship with his child is his responsibility not yours. If he wants a relationship with her he needs to put on his big boy undies and do it. :comfort:

Please think about this aspect of it. :hug:

Otherwise - I would be using that money to help establish yourself. :hug:

yes i think Inanna is eight, correct me if im wrong but im pretty sure if hes listed on the birth cert, then u go to the UK and then come back he can do you for child kidnapping (theres some other term for it but you get the drift)

and i can vouch for XP's getting very nasty when they seem lovely...at first xp wanted to see DD, then he said he wanted nothing to do with us and refused to pay child support, then he wanted to get her taken off me...this is someone who supposedly still loved me!!! so yes its his responsibility to come see you/her, as harsh as it sounds, hes man enough to get you pg, then hes man enough to come to you!!

def use the money to set urself up and save ur baby bonus...once bubs arrives you may feel differently...then you will have money saved up for something else!! GL xx

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Oh, and I forgot to mention in my last reply...

Some of you mentioned government housing and waiting lists. I was under the impression that I could rent a house normally through a real estate agency or private and receive some rent assistance from centrelink?

I had it in my mind that I could maybe get a small place for say $200-$250 per week and have it subsidised with rent assistance. If this is not the case, oh dear!!

My parents have investment properties and have indicated that maybe they could buy one that would be suitable for me and DD to live in, but even so, I would still have to pay a decent amount of rent.

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im not sure if its the same as here (WA) but we can apply to ministry of housing to pay the full bond, and yes u get rent assistance but it isnt much (upto $60 a week i think), im paying $100 a week where im sharing and get about $20 a week rent assistance. but as a single mum u will get FTB a and B and single parenting payment. if you go to the clink website they have a calculator thingy you can put in how much u earn (you have to take into account anything youve earnt this financial yr) and ur expected rent etc and itll give u an estimate of what benefits u could receive. like i said before im on full benefits (full spp, ftb a and ftbb and rent assist) and i get about 850 a fortnite. GL