I feel so bitter and angry!

Today I had my big scan. Everything was perfect, bubby's growing beautifully and the lady kept saying it was so well behaved as it kept getting in the perfect positions for her to measure everything. I know I should be over the moon right now, but I'm furious!!

DH was dead against finding out the sex of our bub. We had a surprise with DD and I just wanted something different this time. This maybe my last pregnancy so I wanted to know what it felt like knowing whats on the way. DH would not budge or give me any leeway what so ever! When the lady asked me I was fighting back tears as I desperately did want to know. I am the one that went through 4 months of m/s, I am carrying it for 9 months, I will be giving birth to it, breast feeding it, changing it... Why don't I get a say?! I just feel in the end it should be my decision, it that wrong of me??

With DD I really didn't mind either way if we found out so having a surprise was great, but when it came to the decision about pain killers during labour, once again DH was dead against it and even during the labour he told the MW not to give me an Epi even though I was screaming for one. I had a terrible delivery and sustained a 3rd deg tear from it all and went through 8 months of pain everyday... If I had an Epi I probably wouldn't have had to feel every litlte bit of that tear during the delivery and may have helped not feel every stitch I recieved. Once again I am not allowed the Epi.

Please don't get me wrong I really love DH but I can't help but feel pure anger towards him right now. Has anyone else felt like this??? I really hate feeling like this and treating him the way I am right now, I just can't help it. I can't stop crying and I am snapping at poor DD way too much atm and all I can think is he brought this upon all of us.

Thanks for the vent. Would love to hear from anyone who have had a similar thing with DH making decisions without so much as a thought for you.

my dp didnt want to find out i went tpo my ultrasound my self and just asked i was lucky he wasnt there and bub showed i ended up telling him as u can see her girly bits ont he scan pic

i sujest if u can and if its avalible go to a scan place that does private scans and get one done that way u can find out and bond with bub

with the labour issue i told dp if he starts dictating ill be asking him to leave till he comes back to his sences its us giving birth we need as much encouragment and love not a dictatorship

i hope all goes well for u darl

Sorry but your DH would not ALLOW you to have a epi???? Who is the woman in labour here? No it isn't nomal. As for the not allowing you to know the sex. WHy can't you know and he not?

Oh Pishy,
Big :hug:
I have no words, as you know I haven't experienced the scans or labour....
Hope DH can understand your point of view
:hug:
xx

Thanks so much for your speedy replies

At one stage he did say that I could find out, then as I got talking to people about it he changed his mind. We talked about it again on the weekend (well we fought about it) he said again that I could find out but he'd be really upset and I couldn't tell anyone, to which I said I'd tell my besty and my mum then he lost it with me. That night he got crazy drunk and had D&M with his besty telling him how much I hurt him blah blah blah and they both made me feel like absolute rubbish! Then he kept going on about how much I hurt him after that... Why do I have to feel guilty?! Grrrr

my DH is adament about not knowing, as he was with DD1. This time I decided I wanted to know, even if he didn't, so I just got him to go out of the room for the ultrasound technician to tell me. It's your right to know just as much as it is his right not to. As for the labour- oh my! He needs to back OFF!

Aww Tiff :hug:, I'm so sorry your DH wouldn't let you find out the gender of your bub and I'm so sorry he wouldn't support your request for an epi during your labour :hug:.

I would be feeling upset if I were in the same situation too. I think your DH needs a good talking to by someone, it is completely unfair to take away your rights and wishes like that. I think it's a fair compromise that you find out this bub's gender seeing as you didn't find out last time. Maybe you need to sit down for a really big chat about how his actions make you feel. Tell him what it would mean to you if you could find out the gender and tell him how it affected you that you didn't feel supported during labour. Say things like "When you said xyz, it made me feel like this...", rather than "You made me feel...", etc.

Big hugs lovely :hug:. There is one thing I know for sure about your bub, he or she will be GORGEOUS!

Pish honey, you are the one going through the pain of labour. You get the choice of painkillers and I believe (someone correct me if I'm wrong) the doctors and midwives are required to listen to you.
Your anger is completely justified - your body and your decision. He can have a say in painkillers when he is the one pushing the baby out.
Has he at least given a reason why he's not 'allowing' you to have them?


The gender decision was something me and DH warred a little over, whether we would or not. In the end - its still a surprise whether you find out now or at the birth. But relationships are about compromise and he needs to meet you in the middle and not expect it his way. This is something me and my DH have been learning. We decided that I would know and he wouldn't. But then he changed his mind quickly and decided it would be fun to know as DD was not known til birth anyway.

However the drugs in childbirth - that isn't need to be compromised on.
:hug: It's definitely a tough situation to be in. I hope something can be worked out.

Tiff I am really sorry you are going through this at the moment. I am angry at your DH too!!! I was washing the dishes earlier and just thinking if I was you, I would kick him out of the room, and find out the sex. You are right, you are going through this, and your choice to find out is as valid to you as his is to not find out. So why can't you find out and then keep it from him if it's that important! Maybe you can ring back the place where you had the scan and ask the Sonographer if she did actually see what it was and to tell you over the phone!!?

As far as the epi goes, I would be stating VERY clearly that you will chose however you see fit on the day, and tough luck to him. YOu are the one going through it and you have every right to make your own decision. If he wants you to go through it naturally (but not what you want), then you tell him that you will personally give him vasectomy AT HOME with a blunt kitchen knife!!! :)

I told my DH that in a day and age where I CAN have something to help me, then I will take it if I need it THANK YOU!!

Big hugs hugs Honey xo

with the gender, i think he's being a childish prat going and sooking to his friend and then playing guilt games. next time you see your care provider, ask if it is written on the scan results (DD's was!) and find out anyway. he shouldn't stop you knowing something

with the pain killers - sorry, i'd be telling him he wasn't welcome in the labour ward if he can't respoct your wishes with regards to how your labour progresses. he has never, and will never, go through labour - and as much as he can encourage you to do what you initially want with respect to your birth plan, he cannot deny you pain meds - and ANY medico that took his word for it isn't worth their salt. they should be sending him out and talking to you between contractions to confirm YOUR wishes. YOUR body, YOU birth - to hell with his opinion. talk to your middy or doc NOW about this - they need to have it noted on your file that he is to make NO decisions regarding your care - and if you're asking for meds and he is trying to talk you out of it, he should be asked to leave the room to allow you to decide

hugs hun

BG

Hugs for your anger hun... Dh and i couldnt decide so we decided not to as we can't unfind out!

I am rather angry that your DH was allowed to make those choices on your behalf.. IT IS YOUR BODY, YOUR LABOUR, if you want the drugs you have them!!!

:hug: Tiff

I'm not even pregnant and have already discussed with DH whether we'd be finding out the sex, and if he said no then i'd find out without him there. You can't stop one person from not wanting something, so if he doesn't want to find out that's fine but he shouldn't stop you from finding out. I'd be making another u/s appt and going by myself. But that's just me you have to be happy with what you choose.

it's a tough position to be in and hopefully you can get what you want. Maybe compare it to something he values. I find that works with my DH, because if you compare it to something they understand they are more likely to agree to things.

:hug: again take care

Just wanted to give you a hug Pish :hug: I don't know why he didnt let you have the epi when he saw you in sooo much pain?

Your DH sounds very stubborn. Next time put weights on his balls and ask him if he wanted an epidural to help with the pain.

I wouldve found out what I am having if DH wasn't so set on not finding out...and i can live with that.... we will both keep it a surprise for the day as something we can enjoy together rather than finding out seperately.
I don't think it's right for him to dictate to you that that is what you should be doing, instead he should be giving you a pretty good reason for not wanting to find out. then one of you changing your decision (not always necessarily him)....

As for the epi, yes ultimately it is your choice and your experience sounds horrible and i'm so sorry that happened... does he have a reason for not wanting you to have it other than a natural labour??? I would be getting someone to sit down with him and explain everything about it to him - pros and cons... maybe he has just heard cons about it and is worried about you and the baby?

Hope everything works out for you.:pray:

oh my god.

as all the other posters have said, you need to be able to make the decisions that affect your body, during your labour. i think your dh needs to grow up and get his head out of his backside.

he had no right putting the guilties on you, and i think maybe you need to set some boundaries in place.

sorry you're going through this chickie, i have an extremely supportive dp, so i have no experience in what you are going through, i just know that you don't have to.

good luck with everything xxoo

:hug: Oh hun I am so sorry your going through this :hug: the girls have given you great advice so I wont repeat it!

But I would be asking the sex at a routine checkup..do they have a scan thing in the room? And then dont tell DH what it is..make sure you tell him you are finding out though cause it may cause more trouble if you dont :hug: xxx

Huge hugs for you Pish.

I'd just like to say that at our 20 week scan we chose not to find out our baby's gender (although I did tell the u/sound lady, if it showed up it was ok), DH was not there at the time, I took a girlfriend with me. This decision was made because DH did not want to know. I went along with it, because I didn't know if I could keep it from him. It was recorded on to the DVD and when I came home I sat and went thru it, over and over til I found it, then rang back to confirm what I thought I had seen. I'm now 38 weeks, DH still doesn't know what we're having, my eldest son does, my youngest does not. I have also told a few close friends that I know would not tell. I also had my Ob confirm it for me at a later date, however when DH came with me to a later appointment, he told the Ob he did not want to know and that area was avoided during that scan.

Is it possible for you to find out by yourself. It's not too hard a secret to keep, I just keep changing from him/her, she/he whenever I talk about bub, we've discussed both "types" of names. When I have bought clothes I've been alone (or with my eldest son - which is how he found out).

I'd be talking with the midwifes/doctors and letting them know that you will be making the decisions as to what pain relief you will be using. This is not your DH's decision, you are the one going through this, does he say why he doesn't want you using pain relief.

Oh darl :hug:

I am so sorry that your DH is being so disrepectful to you and your wishes.... i think it's fair enough for you to find out the sex of your baby, fine if he doesnt want to know but why should you not be allowed to find out just because he doesnt want to know.

As for the not being ALLOWED to have a Epi , i dont think he has any right in telling you what you can and cant have during labour ...... they have no idea what our bodies go through to birth our gorgeous bubba's.

Wishing you all the best xo

Perhaps you can ring (or pop-in if close) to the sonographer's and say you've changed your mind and would really like to know. You can still let it be a suprise for DH at the birth, but if he really feels strongly about it - I can understand why it would be hurtful for people other than you to know about the sex of his baby before him if that's a bit deal to him, would you consider keeping it from your mum and BF and just satisfying your own curiosity.

My DH doesn't come to the majority of my antenatal appointments due to work etc - so the ladies' suggestion of talking to the midwives about your pre-determined pain relief options is a good idea - they can make a special note so that when you come into the hospital whoever delivers will know. The MW at your last birth probably assumed you had strong ideas about not having one prior and had asked DH to stop you IYKWIM - so if they know this isn't the case, you should be able to avoid this again.

Hope whatever you decide you feel better about it all soon. All the best.

I am overwhelmed at all the support ladies, thank you so much! I really do appreciate it as well as the advice.

I have calmed down a lot this morning, but DH and I still have a lot to talk about. I will definately be telling the hossy when I book in that I'd like the option of an Epi IF I ask... Of course I'd prefer not to, but I'd only ask for it if I was desperate.

I am lucky enough that both my GP and OB do a little scan at each check up so it's not as if the window is closed, but I just had my heart set on finding out at this scan. Once again DH and I will be doing a lot of talking about it. Someone made a good point that her and DH wanted to find out together so decided to find out at the birth, that certainly got me thinking!

MiniMax - You crack me up dear, I love the V home job comment!!! :lol:

Thank you all so very very much.

One more thing to add which is really important...

DH is generally a very supportive person who has helped me through a lot over the years, I can usually rely on him with anything and everything, it just (as some of you have said) he can be VERY stubborn and when he gets his mind set there is really no changing it.... He definately gets that from his mother! He does his very best to talk everyone around to go along with him, but sometimes that doesn't work and I get my nose out of joint.

He was really upset with all of my crying yesterday after the scan, which I wasn't doing to try and get him to change his mind, it was just raw emotion, but it didn't even get him thinking.

Please don't think he's a horribe person, cuz he really is a sweet heart. We live and work together so being together 24/7 can build up feels over time then they all start over flowing at times like these.

Thank you once again everyone.

I hope you guys work it out soon so you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy :).... which i'm sure you will xxx;)

Oh Pish just came across this :hug:. You had been looking forward to you scan so much and were so excited, I'm so sorry that DH ruined that experience for you.

If you really do want to find out, can you sneak a look next time your at the OB?

I agree with the other posters, especially about the epi - it's your body, your the one that has to get the baby out. I would be having a quiet word with your Ob & widwives and let them know you do want the option of choice if YOU decide you do want an epi or any other form of pain relief you want at the time.

As my Ex-SIL once described childbirth.....it's like sh*tting a watermelon, I'd ask DH if he would like to do that without painkillers!!!

Back again as I just read your latest post....

I'm sure you two will sort it all out soon but still big :hug: I'm sure there isn't anyone who's posted here who hasn't wanted to grab their DH, DF, DP, DB by the shoulders and shake some sense into them at some stage :D Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the excitement of meeting your new bub, whether you decide to find out or wait.

I hope everything worked out Pishy :hug:

Thinking of you x

oh sweet, i am in your boat.
My DH is a lovely man, but he can be so pig headed and stubborn. it doesnt help that i am stubborn also lol.
Dh sometimes makes choices and decisions without taking my feelings into consideration which is very frustrating and hurtful, this is something we are working on, well i am at least :rolleyes:
Dh was all "no drugs" as well but i made itclear that i wasnt keen n drugs but if i needed theem i would have them, he didnt mind gas but nothing else.Turns out he wasnt there for the birth anyway and i ony used gas,
as far as the sex thing, this time we both wanted to find out which was good, like you our next baby will most likely be the last baby we have so id like to keep it a surprise just so i know what its like, but he's mde it very clear that we are finding out. i have plenty of time to work on him but i doubt ill change his mind.
Your hubby does sound supportive, i know as he sounds just like mine lol.
Good luck sweet.
i hope it all works out without too many tears xxx

Hi Tiff

You don't have to answer this, but do you know the reasons why DH doesn't want you to have pain relief during labour? Maybe this is something that can be addressed by the Drs to give him the facts rather than the hype that he may have been told. The science may convince him that there are circumstances when it is recommended. Still, it should be your choice.