So far I think I am, but I'm not far in.
A lot less patience than I thought I had though :redface:
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So far I think I am, but I'm not far in.
A lot less patience than I thought I had though :redface:
Ummm I don't really know. We knew what type of parents we didn't want to be, but didn't really have a formed idea of what type we did want to be if that makes sense? I guess we just decided to roll with the punches. As you get older and your children get older your parenting evolves and adapts anyway I've found so the type of parent you wanted to be will probably be different to the parent you are in 20 years time kwim?
Good question Heaven!
I sometimes think I am and then other times I think I'm not at all! I have more patience than I thought I'd ever have in some instances and then in others I have none - 0 to irate in nothing flat! :redface: But I try really hard, so I think that counts!
I'd like to get more joy out of it, but I think that is coming now that DD is becoming more interactive. She's funny & cheeky and I like that about her.
BBL, DD isn't settling for a sleep.
i had hoped i would have more patience but i dont and sometimes i just have to give DS to DH and walk out because i get angry its not his fault its just me being a first time parent and not really knowing wat to do
my nieces mother was totally against smacking when she first had her but has since changed he attitude as this was the only thing that worked for her and her daughter i hope it doesnt come to that for me but it could happen u never know
and i do like the way my mother parents so i do model myself on her where i know a lot of ppl are opposite and dont want to be like their parents
Does that make sense?
I couldn't be more different to the parent I thought I would be (and that's a blessing, really!)
Before I had children I *knew* I would be a very organised mother. No child was EVER going to change my life. I was going back to full time paid work when my first was 6 weeks old. Although I was organised, I was fairly relaxed. My children would go to bed in their own rooms and sleep all night. I would "Breastfeed if I could" but I wouldn't be "one of those women who went on and on about it" and certainly wouldn't breastfeed a child old enough to walk or talk.
Well, the cosmos (and my first born) had another plan for me.
My life has changed more deeply, profoundly and for the better than I could have ever imagined. My firstborn taught me so much about mothering. He latched onto my breast before his feet were even born - and stayed there for four and a half years. He never slept, resisted my efforts at sleep school and controlled crying and gently worked himself into my bed and into my arms. He paved the way for me and his siblings.
I changed my career from teacher (yes, I did go back to paid fulltime work when he was 6 weeks old - what was I thinking? I never did that again after the first year....)
to breastfeeding counsellor (volunteer) and Lactation Consultant (paid) My children do tell me I go on and on about it....
I posted the last of my Xmas cards today - but the mail truck had already gone by the time I got to the local post office - but the thought will be still there when the mail arrives in the New Year... I've bought far too much plastic cr*p for the kids presents. I lose my temper too much with the kids, the house looks like hell and I didn't read to them enough. My sister always laughs at the way I 'tut-tutted' her boys playing with guns when she sees the violent video games my teenage sons play.
Overall, very different - but I couldn't be happier.
What an awesome post Barb :)
Nope, I'm not. I'm not as patient or as fun as I thought I'd be. Ds eas too much crap, and walks around with a dummy all day.
But I am a happy mum, they are happy kids, we have a lovely little life. I don't have the energy to be the mum I thought I'd be ;)
:
yeah that, well said!!!! ditto!
hmmm sometimes yes and sometimes no.
I have done stuff I swore I never would, and I have done stuff I never imagined could be done.
Totally agree with Trill about it evolving though. Parenting a three year old is waaaay harder than I could have imagined lol.
Barb that was a beautiful post and LorieRae - couldn't have said it better myself.
I was always worried that I wouldn't know what to do or how to interact with a baby, I think I've settled into it quite well, although I do get frustrated sometimes when she won't go to sleep and it's nearly 10pm...have had a few of those nights, she'll just cry and cry for an hour or two, I know she is tired, she knows she is tired but she just can't get to sleep (think it might be her teeth??)...so yeah when it's taking me that long to get her to go to sleep and I still have heaps to do before I can get to bed I do get cranky...I wish I didn't but I guess I'm only human.
I am wondering what I will be like as she gets older though, especially the terrible twos stage! But so far I think I am better than the parent I thought I would be..
:yeahthat::
I got hit hard with my issues and I wasn't ready. Now I don't know if I'll ever be ready to do parenting 'my' right way round.... but we're happy.
Great question Heaven - this is something I have been thinking about lately.
Sometimes I think I am the parent I thought I would be (or even a better one ;) ) but then other times I think, "this isn't the kind of parent I want to be/thought I'd be". Like you, it's early days for me too (I struggle to think how I'll cope with 2 year old behaviour :o ) but the times I think I'm letting him/me down are usually when I get frustrated with him and expect him to do something he's not (& it's usually sleep related!!). So it's not even my behaviour as a parent that I worry about, it's what's running through my head. I always wanted to be the kind of parent who accepted their kids for who they actually are and didn't try to make round pegs fit in square holes. He's not always a great sleeper and I still struggle to accept that sometimes :( I'm working on it though.
I am actually more patient than I thought I would be (or would have to be!)
The house is much messier and and I am much more disorganised than I thought I would be.
I also don't have as much energy as I thought I would have...but I have been pregnant or breastfeeding or both since January 2006 so I'll cut myself some slack there.
I breastfed DS for 18 months or so when I was only going to "see if I could get to 3 months."
We have one child or another in bed with us every night...something else that was never going to happen.
Ultimately...I am a better mother than I thought I would be!
Much more patient than I thought!
Very 'soft' which I think is great. Very forgiving and understanding- much more than I ever thought I would be.
My DD and DS have given me such blessed gifts with their arrival!
I am more content with motherhood than i feared i'd be. after everything we'd been through, i thought i would put a lot more pressure on myself to do the Mummy thing perfectly. but i'm not perfect, and i'm ok with that. i have days where i'm not as patient as i could (and probably should) be - but i know it's related to tiredness and DD teething.
DD appears to be happy and healthy. we function beautifully as a family unit. She has a fantastic and bubbly personality. overall, i am content. what more could a mummy want?
:redface: no i am a lot less patient then i thought i would be and i give up and give dd to dh hen she is in hysterics.
But i am stronger then i thought i would be, even though we're still new to the game, i have pushed on with bf and not given in to well meaning peoples ideas on what i "should" do re feeding.
and poo hoo to the people who said i would quit mcn after a week - i love my mcn and love knowing i am doing something good by the environment.:lol:
i don't have the energy i thought i'd have... i'm not really interested in 'playing' with my dd, i know that sounds awful.... i LOVE cuddles, reading stories, kisses, baths, closeness, togetherness, talking, saying i love you, i'm just not into playing with leggo, building towers, playing hide and seek etc..... although i am 9 months pregnant so maybe i can be forgiven, but even when not pregnant, its just not something i like doing, which i wish i did.... luckily my DP is quite good at it, so hopefully there is balance.
i look forward to doing things i will be a bit more interested in, taking her to dancing lessons, going to the movies, shopping, ummmmm just things i suppose that are a bit more grown up.... although i don't wish the baby years away, i am looking forward to the future....
I think like Trill, my parenting has changed over the years and is probably a bit different which each child as they are different.
I have now been a parent for 18 years and thats astonsihing to me sometimes!! I think I have become a much better parent with experience but I am also far less judgemental about ther people's parenting than I was too.
I am the mum to a teenager I wanted to be as in I have a very open relationship with her and I get on well with her friends (they call me Mummy Chris) but I don't think I am as good with the younger two. Sometimes I feel like I fail them (actaully some days i feel like i failed them all TBH)
Some days yes alot of days no :( But I think sooo many of us have too high expectations! We all have so much to do particularly if you have multiple children and/or work and/or look after a home...a partner...extended family...studies...friends...volunteering....I could go on and on!
Being an early childhood worker, I thought it would be a natural, normal progression to my own family, but oh boy, was I WRONG!!! It is sooo tough being a parent. It changes you into such a different person. I have patience if I have had a decent amount of sleep. But often that is not the case and I lose it. Then I beat myself up about it because it's not their fault, it's mine and I'm not being an adult and contolling myself like I should.
But on the good days we do all the stuff I dremt I would- paint, play playdough, 'broom broom' cars around, play chase and tickle, go to the park, eat enough fruit and veggies, don't eat any packet/sugary/salty/fake food. But on thise days, I haven't worked, I haven't sleaned the house much, dinner is something simple, I haven't had errands to run. It's been all about the kids on those days, and realistically it can't be those days every day, no matter how much I wish it could be!!
I didn't really have any pre-conceived ideas at what I would be like, but rather what I did NOT want to be like.
And so far, I have done well to my standards.
Yes, I've lost my patience over the smallest thing on the odd occasion.
Yes, I beat myself up over the kids development - more so DD being prem.
But, I guess its a work in progress. I will be a mother for the rest of my life, so I will adapt and evolve as the children grow up.
Sometimes. Only early days here too, but I think I interact with DS differently than I thought I would.
Before DS was born, DH and I used to joke that he would be the fun one, but I think that title goes to me at the moment! We have a ball together during the day at the moment since he's at that age where he is a lot more interactive, laughs all the time and wants to play.
I am completely unorganised though which drives me insane. I thought I would be organised, know where everything was and be able to keep on top of the housework. ha!
I'm less patient that I thought I would be (mostly when he wont go to sleep), and DH is more patient than me (which I didn't think was the case before!)
Like Trillian, we know what type of parents we don't want to be (just from our personal experiences growing up) and that is what is most important to us. I'm sure we'll figure the rest out as we go along.
I think this is a great thread! I have no idea what kind of parent I am going to be...but it's nice to know it's an ever evolving thing!
Yeah that, Trillian & Mrsmac :lol:
I have changed heaps over the years... I am better in some ways, worse in others... I thought I would be more playful. Now I just feel busy & stressed all the time.
I am proud of the openness & honesty we have, especially with DD1 ( & with DS1 as he gets older, too).
I do a lot of things differently & a lot of things the same as what I got... one thing being a parent has done is changed my perspective on my own parents & step-mum. I see things quite differently now ;) - so I guess in that sense, my parenting is different from what I thought it would be when I was younger.
ITMS.
Great thread :D
I didn't have ideas about what kind of parent I'd be, but am I the parent I want to be? Mostly. I'm gentle, patient, attentive, and concientious about how my behaviour effects my kids, and rarely lose my cool, which I like. But on the other hand I can get really tired (where's my public holiday entitlements????????), which makes me grumpy and lazy and then we have too much easy food and computer/tv time. But on the whole we're all happy and I think that's what matters most!
I'm hoping that I'll feel less haggard when I've finished being pregnant, breastfeeding and night feeding (been doing it continously for 5 years now!!), and that then I'll have the time and energy to work on the parts of my parenting I'm not so satisfied with.
Overall I think I'm better. I don't know what I thought I'd be TBH but I had know idea I would have the emotional connection that I do have with both my kids. Or that I could possibly love 2 small people as much as I do, or be as unbelievably proud of them as I am.
The things I learnt along the way are:
The emotions I felt because I bottlefed my first child were my own doing and didn't in any way damage the relationship I have with my child nor did it damage her. My relationship with my breastfed child is no different, the only difference is how *I* feel. Which then goes back to it's how I felt about the situation not the reality if that makes sense. I learnt that having c/s child and a vbac child doesn't mean that I'll bond better with the vbac child because it was more natural. It really is the same. The way I felt about my birth is different once again how *I* dealt with the situation. Having said that, of course I would still have preferred to bf and birth both children vaginally but that doesn't mean it has ruined them or me in anyway because it didn't happen that way.
It's ok to have imperfections, they actually need to see them though so share them and share the "working through them" part as that helps them to in turn work through their own imperfections. It's ok to show negative emotion, but it is also important to show responsibility if your reactions hurt others, even as a parent. It's not ok to make your children cry, however if your children is crying because they are hurt by their own actions and consequences that is ok and is part of their development. But they still need reassurance, love and a cuddle so they know it's ok. Just like us they don't need to have it rubbed in when they know they've done the wrong thing.
The things I'm not so proud of:
My temper
The lack of time I spend playing
The lack of time we spend learning new things
I'm not always the perfect homemaker or earthmother LOL (but I also realise the unrealistic expectation this is but I can still dream ;))
Things I'm proud of:
My Patience (ironic given the first one of the not proud list but anyone will tell you I'm patient for the right things ie. the parenting things and not patient for the wrong things ie. taking too long etc)
Their emotional maturity and how I have nurtured that in both my children
How we interact as a family
How I set boundaries and encourage or discourage certain behaviour
How I deal with tantrums
How we show love freely
How my two children are not violent towards each other, or nasty and that they love each other very very much - for example we discovered sadly today that my 8 y.o. DD's guinea pig had died (we think it was the shock of the sudden melbourne heat this afternoon after a mild day) and my DS had been out with DH. I called to tell DH. When they got home DS (3) ran straight in and ran right up to DD and hugged her tight and said "Sissy I am soooo sorry that your lily died." I of course started bawling. They aren't always perfect to each other, but 99.9% of the time they are thoughtful, kind and enjoy each other's company immensely. I guess no differently to the relationship their father and I have.
I love that we laugh, and joke and have fun.
Our spontaneity.
Before I became a parent I thought strictness was above all important. I thought a stern tone and consequences was the best way to get results with children. I have since learnt that positive reinforcement and encouragement is the best way to get results with children :)
TBH out of everything I have ever done in my life being a parent is the achievement I am most proud of (and I'm not perfect but that's what's so awesome... I am OK with that!).
No. But then, DS isn't me in miniature: my "ideal" parent I was going to be was based on parenting my needs, not someone else's!
So we don't sit and have reading hour. Reading minute, yes. But not much longer than that. I allow my son to put on make-up... something I was adamant that my child would never do before senior school! A trip out isn't to a museum or art gallery or even a park... it's to the local station to watch the trains. We watch TV and chat about our favourite programmes - even to the point of using "wotty wotty wot" as a conversation starter.
BUT, I do treat DS as a human and get the same treatment back. I accept it when he tells me that I'm not being nice (eg yesterday, when I was having a whinge about someone). I answer all his "why?" questions (they've dried up now) and make sure he has an explanation for any answer he doesn't like (eg no I can't read a book, I'm driving). I laugh off mistakes and get apologies for naughtiness. We do chores TOGETHER and have fun, not DS having to wait for me to finish what I'm doing so he can play. I don't leave him to cry (unless he's tantruming that I won't play with a boy who hits me) and I don't hurt him.
We have a child-focussed relationship: he provides the ideas and I provide the boundaries. He has a bedtime, but he picks the bedtime story. He wants to climb, I direct him away from the Christmas tree and towards the sofa. He wants to come shopping, I make sure he helps me find the food, put it in the trolley, load it onto the conveyer belt and put it in the shopping bag.
It's great, I get my own way 95% of the time and DS doesn't realise he's not "having fun".
I am yes. After training in Childcare i learnt to always be consistant with kids and ive really stuck with that. Even if you get a few screams at first and as much as it would be easier to give in, down the track it really does pay off.
I too know what type of parent i dont want to be.. and so far im not, and dont have to deal with the consiquences of that.. i will continue to be that way... just like my dad.
GREAT post Heaven :)
Barb's post rang true for me too.....
I was going to be super-organised, have bub sleeping in their own bed by the time DH went back to work, 'might' breast feed if it works, house wont be taken over by 'kid' stuff, strict routine, you know the type - blah blah blah. I was one of those non-parenting people who say "Oh my child will never ...... (insert appropriate statement here) "..... I now think these people are idiots and realise they have (and I had) NO IDEA- LOL
I find myself to be a much more patient, nuturing, baby led, co-sleeping, attachment parenting Mummy who proudly Breastfed for 6 months. My house is no longer immaculate and perfect, nor I am, but I keep things tidy (the house and myself hahahhaha). I get so much more joy from my son than I ever could have imagined, and have learnt that my favourite time of the day is when we either play together or cuddle together.
I've also learnt that I CAN deal with less sleep (however it can turn me into a grumpy twit :D)
Naomi
ETA - Oh, and I've learnt to pick my battles - eg if my LO wont go to sleep, sometimes its easier to give up and try again in another 30-60 minutes (rountines CAN be broken without any lasting damage hahahahahaha)
To be honest i am a lot more relaxed than i thought i would be, i suffered from panic attacks when i was younger and i thought i would stress over the smallest of things but i haven't.
I am very much the mum i 'wanted' to be in regards to allowing DD to explore, get dirty and try things for herself, i'm a country girl at heart and find it odd when some kids are not allowed to play in the dirt go on swings etc.
I am not as much like my mum as i dreaded i would be (i love her but geez), she yells a lot and was never very 'active' with us due to her weight etc.
I have found even while PG my little girl comes first, even if that means chasing her around the yard for 2hrs because she doesn't want to go inside and just wants to chase the dogs.
I am not the mother i expected to be but i am on track to being the mother i WANT to be.