How do I handle this one????

MODSI wasn't too sure where to put this so please move it if it's in the wrong spot.


Last night DS-5yrs and DD-4yrs were having a shower. I went off to get their pj's and towels as I came back I overheard DD saying "then you lick my gina" then walked in to find DD with DS's penis in her mouth. She quickly sat up when she realised I was there. I asked the what made them think to do that. DS replied "Daycare".
Today I have been able to gently extract a bit more info from DS.
He said he saw one of the little boys had done it with one of the little girls, they were hiding around the corner near the brick wall and the bubbler because the little boy likes the little girl and little boy asks little girl and she does what little boy wants her to do.
We have had the 'Nobody touches your penis or vagina but you' talk many times before.

How do I handle this one???? What do I say to my kids, should I probe more myself or leave it or just go to the director or straight to the police????

:o No advice here, but what a difficult scenario to encounter- I would definitely approach the director...

you need to reinforce (gently) the boundaries for your own children. they need to know you know about it, and that it's wrong for that to happen - either with each other, or with anyone else.

as for the day care thing - i'd probably go to the director of the centre as they may not be aware of it (though it worries me that your children have seen it but staff haven't) - if they seem reluctant to act on it, then go to the police. the child in question may have seen something and not realise it's wrong, but it needs to be addressed before it comes something more.

hugs hun - not something you want to be dealing with - hope you can get to the bottom of it

At DD1's old daycare centre they had a similar situation where they found a few children in the cubby house lying on top of one another "playing sex" the director was informed and action was quickly taken DHS and the police stepped in and even had an educational chat with the children explaining how innapropriate (sp?) that kind of behaviour was etc.
So I would definately be contacting the director if things like that are happening it definatly needs to be addressed and quickly. Just dont be too hard on your own children they didnt know what they were doing was wrong they are just children experimenting with what they have seen and heard at the day care. Maybe even try set up some sort of a meeting with all the parents to discuss what is happening

Depending on the age it is "normal" for sex play
what happened to leonies children isnt something i would consider normal. infact any clothes off isnt.

definatley have a big chat again with the kids and definatley the director! if the kids are able to get naked there isnt enough supervision happening at the centre.

Well after much deliberation I think I'm going to not discuss it further with my children and start ensuring supervised showers.

DH and I are also going to meet with the director first thing Monday. I'll guage her response to see my next step.

hun, i respect supervised showers, but make sure you discuss it, even just while you're dressing them or whatever, as to what normal boundaries are. inappropriate play can happen any time - and you want to make sure they're aware of what is right and wrong (i'm saying this from experience - my nephew was exposed to some inappropriate stuff by his cousin when they were five - nephew didn't know any different as it wasn't actively discussed - they just happened to be "sprung" - the boys weren't allowed to be unsupervised again for a lot of time until the cousin underwent counselling and they were able to trust him again.) at the ages your children are, you don't constantly supervise - they play in their rooms and things...)

Something does need to be said to them. Personal boundaries is something that needs to be taught from a young age. And if it isn't it can lead to all sorts of problems, stemming from not knowing what is ok to happen to them or even what is ok to do to others. It's not something you should be ashamed of and it will not damage them to know that what they did wasn't ok and to teach them what personal boundaries they need for themselves and they need to give others. Even if it makes you uncomfortable it's something that is extremely important. Second to that if you don't know exactly what to say you can contact relationships austrlia or similar and they will put you in contact with a sex education counsellor who will give you the best advice on how to deal with this situation.

there is also the book "everyone has a bottom" would be perfect to show them they are the ones who make the rules about thier bodies.

We have had the 'Nobody touches your penis or vagina but you' talk many times before. along with the 'and you don't touch any one elses penis or vagina'
I'm more concerned with the 2 children involved at Daycare. Where does the little boy get the idea to do that, why wasn't there more supervision and what about the little girl...

I would be very concerned for the children at CC as that kind of oversexualised behaviour often indicates sexual abuse. If the CC is doing their job they will report it to DOCS as they are mandatory reporters.
You defintely need to take this further, even someone letting a child watch pornography is classed as sexual abuse.

Yes I agree, over sexualised behaviours often do mean exposure to abuse or inappropriate things - the children that are doing this at daycare need some help incase this is happening to them. I also agree with others that you should talk to your children about what happened again. Clearly they know what they were doing was wrong because they stopped straight away when you 'caught' them. I think you need to discuss what things are appropriate with in the family as well as with other people with your kids too. ie we don't touch each other's parts or let any adult in the family touch us like that either.

......... oorki, does the book state at what age limit the book can be read to a child (eg, is my 3.5 DD too young for it ??) ... thanks xox

If you tell the Director, then their mandatory reporting policy should mean that they pass the info on to the relevant authorities.

If it were me, I'd also talk to your children and reinforce personal boundaries etc, let them know (in an age-appropriate way of course) that what DS saw was not the way children should behave (sorry. brain not working... there'd be better words than that).

I hope your chat with the Director goes well.

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......... oorki, does the book state at what age limit the book can be read to a child (eg, is my 3.5 DD too young for it ??) ... thanks xox

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the book is recomended for 3-8 year olds, so will be fine for your little one. she may ask different questions as she gets older.

Everyone's Got A Bottom - A Storybook For Children Aged 3-8 years

One possible issue with talking to the two little kids involved is possibly tainting their story if there is something extra going on that needs to be investigated by the police or child services. (in terms of what the kids at day care have seen/experienced)

Hope you get some answers this week.

I've made an appointment with the Director of the centre for first thing Monday.
I am so torn and confused. I just can't stop thinking about what if DS has just made this up. The particular little boy in question frequently picks on DS and his friends. I have quite a few times asked DS "why did you do that?" when he has done something wrong here at home and he's relpied "__ made me do it" but then again if he's done that then where did he get this kind of sexual knowledge from anyway to pin on this little boy???

I think you are doing the right thing by speaking to the director and I would assume that if it was this boy, then he is probably being molested, which may explain his behaviour. So you could potentially be helping him as well.

Also, I would like to add that a lot of parents forget to teach children that their mouths are a no go area as well as the genitals. This is really important as a lot of sex offenders, can cohoax children into using their mouths. Just wanted to add that for anyone who had not thought about it. I have worked with sex offenders within my job.

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I've made an appointment with the Director of the centre for first thing Monday.
I am so torn and confused. I just can't stop thinking about what if DS has just made this up. The particular little boy in question frequently picks on DS and his friends. I have quite a few times asked DS "why did you do that?" when he has done something wrong here at home and he's relpied "__ made me do it" but then again if he's done that then where did he get this kind of sexual knowledge from anyway to pin on this little boy???

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I can understand your concern here. However, i don't believe this is something that your DS would have made up. This kind of behaviour (by the other kids) is a learnt behaviour and to me sounds like something they unfortunatly have experiences. While I understand that sex play is normal this type of behaviour is well and truely out of the norm.

You are doing the right thing by talking to the director of the CC. They need to know that this is happening so the appropriate people can be informed. They will also have a knowledge of how to gently talk to the kids without tainting thier story if it is actually abuse that is happening here.

I agree with all the PPs by informing and continuing to reinforce with your kids whats appropriate and whats not. I believe that talking about this kind of thing will may it not seem so tabu making it easier for them to talk to you about it if they or somone they know was put into a difficult situation.

A hard situation to be in. Let us know how you go hun. :hug: xx

...................... thanks heaps Kate, will look into getting it for sure !!! xOxOx

Hun i just wanted to share a similar situation that occured at our local daycare centre, so thatyou dont feel its all that uncommon.

Unfort some children are not brought up in a environment where sexual interactions between adults are ad discret as they should be.

our child care centre had a penis incident as well involving two young boys aged around 4, with one informing the other that he was meant to drink his wee..

It was brought to the ddirectors attention and dealt with quickly, DHS were involved as were the police and a 'talk' was done amongst the children.



Please make sure the director follows up because in our case the child involved needed DHS to help him.

Just dropping in to see how you went talk to CC.
xx

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Just dropping in to see how you went talk to CC.
xx

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Well they are looking into the matter. They said the little boy hasn't been to Day Care since school broke up. They also said there is not a little girl at the centre with the name DS mentioned. But they do want me to write a statement, they are looking back over their records and talking to the teachers to make a report to the department. So for now I'm leaving it to them until I am not happy with where they are taking it.

Sounds like they are doing the investigations they should be then.
I hope it all works out for you.
xx

I hope they get all the details and then report it to DOCs as they legally have to, my worry would be that they would try to cover it up.

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I hope they get all the details and then report it to DOCs as they legally have to, my worry would be that they would try to cover it up.

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I don't understand why people think Childcare centres want to 'cover things up', as a Director I find the attitude that centres are always trying to hide something quite offensive. I am sure the staff involved would be very concerned at the situation and doing everything in their power to handle it correctly.

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I don't understand why people think Childcare centres want to 'cover things up', as a Director I find the attitude that centres are always trying to hide something quite offensive. I am sure the staff involved would be very concerned at the situation and doing everything in their power to handle it correctly.

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So far I am pretty happy with the course of action. They seem very concerned, they're taking it seriously and are trying to get to the bottom of the matter.

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I don't understand why people think Childcare centres want to 'cover things up', as a Director I find the attitude that centres are always trying to hide something quite offensive. I am sure the staff involved would be very concerned at the situation and doing everything in their power to handle it correctly.

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As a primary school teacher I know how sometimes schools don't want to report things unless they are really certain something is happening, I didn't mean it as badly as it looked I am sorry- not so much covering it up but not reporting unless there is a lot more evidence.

Just an update:-
The director contacted DOCS yesterday and will get back to me this afternoon with our status.

Good to hear they're taking this further!

:hug: sweetie this must be a fraught time for you. i hope that there is some resolution and answers for your family and for the CC.

Leonie - this is such a hard situation. I hope the CC finds out what happens, the poor kid.
and i hope your kids will understand what their actions meant.. hugs

So latest update:

DOCS are paying the centre a visit to "check things out"

I'll give you more as I hear it.

Ok so Dosc visited the centre this morning and are apparently happy with what the centre have done. They have made a report on the incident and that's the end of that.

Not too sure how I feel about that... I kind of wanted to have someone talk to DS to get to the bottom of this once and for all, but also kind of glad the incident didn't have to be brought up again.

You did all the right things Leonie in a very tough situation. Be proud of yourself for the way that you acted anddelt with this matter. :hug:

Was the little boy that DS mentioned at the talk from DOCs?

I suppose they won't tell you if DOCs have talked to the little boy in the origional incident- they really need to be investigating his homelife to find out why he knows acts like that.
Sadly after many years of teaching and dealing with DOC I have realised how understaffed and undefunded they are.